deux ex machina Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I'm in the anger stage of getting past my ex. The problem is, I really don't like it at all. It must be the worst part of it for me. I don't think I can stress enough how very much I don't like it. In fact, I'm pretty sure that is one of the reasons I held off on going no contact - every time I started getting angry, I would feel so uncomfortable. The advice I've been given by a professional is, "It will stop when it stops. This too shall pass..." I understand that, it is good advice. Knowing what he said is true, I would be interested if any of you have been past that stage, could you tell me how long it lasted for you?
alphamale Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Knowing what he said is true, I would be interested if any of you have been past that stage, could you tell me how long it lasted for you? since i usually leave the chicks i don't have an anger stage and the few times i have had the anger stage it lasted a couple weeks the anger stage is good. it cleanses the mind and soul. consider it part of the purging process
Odyssey Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Ditto with what Alpha said - it can be a good stage. Let it ride out... your heart & mind are just in repair mode. For me it comes and goes like the weather. But so far it's been more of not caring than angry. (Forcing myself to be busy, helps). So i got nothing to bitch about - i'm in a good spot. Trust me...you'll smile again.
drew86 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I had an ugly break up a couple years ago and the anger stage lasted months... I really regret not being mature enough back then to just shut up and and not use some choice words to describe her character. In the end, taking the high road feels way better. You're better than that sh*t
mickleb Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 since i usually leave the chicks i don't have an anger stage "alphamale" - you worry me on a regular basis, although the rest of your posts nails it. I really regret not being mature enough back then to just shut up and and not use some choice words to describe her character. In the end, taking the high road feels way better. You're better than that sh*t COMPLETELY disagree with this. Anger is a perfectly natural emotion (and SO therapeutic). How you process it is where maturity comes in. As long as you don't BEHAVE aggressively with anyone, have a bleedin' ball, as far as I'm concerned. I used to be TOO passive. THAT is not healthy. It's taken several years for me to embrace anger when I feel it, then process and act on it ACCORDINGLY but, boy!, am I a better human being for that, now. It's been over 5 months, since my split. I was firmly in 'anger' for at least two of those, then utilised the drive it gave me for a further two. Now in 'can barely care' and feeling great! I recommend that the majority of 'slow healing' dumpees actually hold onto anger - its energy can really catapult you on the path to well-being, and most of us need to really 'switch' our thinking about our exes, once they've dumped and HURT our asses. I have to admit, I wondered how long I'd stay in this stage but found that it cleared quite easily, as your therapist said - in it's own time, with absolutely no damamge done. Just a whole lot of moving on. The key to embracing and harnessing it lies with analysing WHY you find it uncomfortable. Think about why you may have felt the need to suppress it, especially when you were younger. Good luck and.. enjoy. x
Simon Attwood Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Fear causes 3 distinct response in the brain, one of which is anger, otherwise know as the fight response. the other one's are flight, and freeze. Each one is accompanied by it's own chemical cocktail. I would suggest that the numbness stage was analogous to freeze as the brain is flooded with endorphins, then the fight or flight stage follows with either anger or a desire to run away, or fluctuations between both.
drew86 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 mickleb, I should have been more clear about what I mean. I was behaving aggressively when my first longterm girldfriend cheated on me then broke up with me. I agree you shouldn't bottle up your anger, but don't go to your ex calling her every name in the book (even if it might be true)!
Ms. Joolie Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Knowing what he said is true, I would be interested if any of you have been past that stage, could you tell me how long it lasted for you? Example #1 I was very angry at my ex. I exploded. I HAD to vent. I talked to him and we started seeing each other again, but that doesn't mean our relationship struggles are over. Was there a better way to deal with that anger? I couldn't see one at the time, and it seemed like the right thing to do. That was my solution to my situation, and I'm completely satisfied with that. That anger went away. Example #2 Since we are dealing with anger, I hope you don't mind me going on about a non-romantic related frustration of mine. I've been really frustrated or angry with my co-workers. As an office manager, I've been completely lenient on them, but it's been too lenient. They are behind, now I am behind. I'm incredibly frustrated with the lack of workability and communication at the office I work at. This is something that has gone on for a LONG time, just only now it's built up so much and MUST be addressed. Things have to change. Action needs to take place that I'M responsible for. I didn't automatically realize what I had to do. I actually went back to my therapist (hadn't seen her in a couple months) and a group session she started with all women. We talked about it and it was there that I worked out my frustration and created a new game plan. My point is.... I see two things you can do with your anger: 1) address your anger, your concerns and frustrations, directly with the person that you have anger with. Do NOT explode with this person, but have direct communication with them about it. Discuss what's going on with you and have them listen. They are, after all, the cause of this frustration. 2) talk with someone about what you are frustrated about. Break it down. List everything out, one by one, about why you are angry. Once you get clear on that, start listing out what you can do about it. This will break down why you are angry and begin to direct your energy toward something productive. As you begin to take action, things WILL change and you WILL move along, past this anger. Hope this helps!
mickleb Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 mickleb, I should have been more clear about what I mean. I was behaving aggressively when my first longterm girldfriend cheated on me then broke up with me. I agree you shouldn't bottle up your anger, but don't go to your ex calling her every name in the book (even if it might be true)! Hey drew I see. Yes, I went through a spell of certainly feeling justified in my anger and really wanted to let him know what a big f*ck up he is but then used it to distance myself well away from him. Now, I accept that, whilst he could still use the education, I doubt he'd listen to a word of it, anyway. Unfortunate for any ladies he tries his charms on in the future but, whacanyado? I think any anger taken out on the ex, before you've really healed, just helps them to feel justified in their decision. You, drew, have got to forgive yourself about what happened, though. You've clearly learnt from it so time to shake that one off! I've been completely lenient on them, but it's been too lenient. Hey Ms J. Perhaps you're too lenient, in general? I get the impression from your past posts that you feel confident that nothing's too a big problem for you but then really things are still quite problematic. Perhaps the easy-going attitude just leads up to the angry outbursts? Not that you asked for my psych assessment, so feel free to ignore me.
Ms. Joolie Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Hey Ms J. Perhaps you're too lenient, in general? I get the impression from your past posts that you feel confident that nothing's too a big problem for you but then really things are still quite problematic. Perhaps the easy-going attitude just leads up to the angry outbursts? Not that you asked for my psych assessment, so feel free to ignore me. Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it. You phrased it well, and nailed me, too. Everything is great in my world, and life is beautiful. I'm such an easy person to get along with in person. HOWEVER... I don't address the real issues. I let things slide, and then they build up. Then I get frustrated because I look at the escalated problem and think, "OMG, WTH?!?? How'd this happen?" And only then do I take action. sigh I need to learn to deal with things one by one, as they come along. I need to address things as I see them, communicate and establish workability as I go along.... NOT letting the house burn down before I address the fire hazards. sigh again. Thank you again for phrasing it so well and with so few words. I'll take your words with me.
Ms. Joolie Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 (edited) Thinking about it... don't know that I'll change though, because I actually don't recognize the fire hazards. It may just work for me to deal with the frustration as it comes, not in angry outbursts, but by talking about it and breaking it down and creating new game plans. Recognizing 'fire hazards', or problems, is the job of the pessimist. Anyway... Deux, don't mean to go off track, but I do hope you get something from this. I actually disagree with the professional who told you that your anger would just stop or whatever. It doesn't just stop. You have to deal with it, and effectively too. Edited January 8, 2010 by Ms. Joolie
Meaplus3 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It will last as long as you allow it to last. The sooner you get to the root of the anger.. the faster you will be rid of it. Do you have a plan in place to deal with the anger? Mea:)
mickleb Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 (edited) I'm so glad it was in any way useful! I used to be like you, so I get that. I'm glad I learnt how to complain prodcutively though. I think, with your wit, no-one could get too bothered when you have to tell them like it is, though. As GC would say 'it is an underused muscle of yours', you have it there, you just need to exercise it. You'll soon be two sides of the same coin. ..Sorry - I ended up posting this before reading your added bit Ms. J. I think a bit of risk-assessment is practical. I would never wish you lose that 'voi de vivre' but perhaps, just safeguard yourself against that frustration you expressed. Best wishes. x x Edited January 8, 2010 by mickleb My tardiness
Author deux ex machina Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Apologize for my tardy response - I really wanted to get finished with a project... ----------- since i usually leave the chicks i don't have an anger stage and the few times i have had the anger stage it lasted a couple weeks the anger stage is good. it cleanses the mind and soul. consider it part of the purging process Alpha, Thank you for the reassurance that it needn't last long. Like purification. ---------- Ditto with what Alpha said - it can be a good stage. Let it ride out... your heart & mind are just in repair mode. For me it comes and goes like the weather. But so far it's been more of not caring than angry. (Forcing myself to be busy, helps). So i got nothing to bitch about - i'm in a good spot. Trust me...you'll smile again. Yes, that is the way it feels. I remember writing about certain feelings come and go in waves - so it makes sense that anger does, too. You described it perfectly, it's spot on. "In repair mode" I like that. ---------- mickleb, I should have been more clear about what I mean. I was behaving aggressively when my first longterm girldfriend cheated on me then broke up with me. I agree you shouldn't bottle up your anger, but don't go to your ex calling her every name in the book (even if it might be true)! Haha. No danger of that with my ex. I'm no one's Supply - never, ever. Simple. If I ever suspect I am - I gracefully fall back. The only thing that works is distance. I'm shocked at the level of anger I am experiencing sometimes, though.
Author deux ex machina Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 ...talk with someone about what you are frustrated about. Break it down. List everything out, one by one, about why you are angry. Once you get clear on that, start listing out what you can do about it. This will break down why you are angry and begin to direct your energy toward something productive. As you begin to take action, things WILL change and you WILL move along, past this anger... I'm seeing a therapist, he is wonderful. I realize how lucky I am to be able to go to this particular one. Your post helps me realize that making sure I use the proper amount of introspection, to get clarity, is a priority now. Thanks.
Author deux ex machina Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 ...I have to admit, I wondered how long I'd stay in this stage but found that it cleared quite easily, as your therapist said - in it's own time, with absolutely no damamge done. Just a whole lot of moving on. The key to embracing and harnessing it lies with analysing WHY you find it uncomfortable. Think about why you may have felt the need to suppress it, especially when you were younger. Good luck and.. enjoy. x Excellent points. Excellent, excellent. Thanks so much for the insight, and the optimism.
Author deux ex machina Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 ...Anyway... Deux, don't mean to go off track, but I do hope you get something from this. I actually disagree with the professional who told you that your anger would just stop or whatever. It doesn't just stop. You have to deal with it, and effectively too. I have to talk with the therapist about this. Ugh. The thing is, we can only cover so much, and more and more I'm realizing I should write my concerns down to stay on track. He knows he can kid around with me, and I'm positive he laughed after saying "It will pass.." as a way get me to see it's not a big issue. Instead, it had the opposite effect. I got a little pissed off, but I didn't tell him I felt invalidated by it - even though I don't think that was his intent - and I should TELL him so. So that's my responsibility as his client. I will write things down + tell him if something seems "off".
Author deux ex machina Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 It will last as long as you allow it to last. The sooner you get to the root of the anger.. the faster you will be rid of it. Do you have a plan in place to deal with the anger? Mea:) Having a concrete plan in place would be a relief. I'll see if I can come up with one tonight or tomorrow. Then I'll run it by the therapist. Great idea.
Author deux ex machina Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Fear causes 3 distinct response in the brain, one of which is anger, otherwise know as the fight response. the other one's are flight, and freeze. Each one is accompanied by it's own chemical cocktail. I would suggest that the numbness stage was analogous to freeze as the brain is flooded with endorphins, then the fight or flight stage follows with either anger or a desire to run away, or fluctuations between both. Ok. I love this. So...numbness...then... Either: 1. Fight. 2. Flight. 3. Fluctuations between fight and flight. This helps a great deal. It calms me to understand the process better. Thanks much!
Ms. Joolie Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 It's the amygdala that is the part of the brain responsible for the flight or fight response. The third option, from my point of view, is not to simply freeze but to "be." So when something happens, we either run away, fight it or be with it. It is in being with or facing what triggered the amygdala response that will challenge us to break the pattern of running away from it or fighting it. It's amazing how we are controlled by this part of the brain. We weave patterns out of the fight or flight response, and spend our lives fighting or running away. There are more productive ways to face challenges. We just have to be present enough to find those ways, and stop running away or putting up our guns. What I've heard it called is the "amygdala hijack" from the seminar series I've been attending. And if we choose, we can assume the responsibility of our lives without letting the amygdala hijack us. It takes practice.
Simon Attwood Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 It's the amygdala that is the part of the brain responsible for the flight or fight response. The third option, from my point of view, is not to simply freeze but to "be." Actually, when I used the term "Freeze" it was not to give an option, but rather a description of a particular response otherwise know as the bunny in the headlamps response. The body will literally freeze in fear. This response is caused by the system being flooded with natural endorphines 100s of times more powerful than morphine to the point of detachment, no feeling left or any sense that you are in your body. Your perspective become detached from your physical self due to the flood of chemicals. Cases in point would be "out of body experiences", etc. Nature, it seems, has evolved mercy, a psychic protection from destruction in the face of inevitable and impending death. Whether it is physical death in the case of the bunny rabbit, or psychic or emotional death in the case of the trauma of the break down of a relationship. Hence numbness may be due to a form of psychic analgesic protecting against the emotional death caused by the breakdown of a relationship.
mickleb Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 An amygdala hijack! That is the coolest excuse I've heard for erratic behaviour, EVER! I will use it often..
Taucher Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I am quite jelous of the dumped who get angry. I havent been able to muster up any anger at all, even though I would probably be justified in being a little angry. Do you need justification if you handle it properly and it helps you move on? Probably not. My lack of anger has probably contributed to me feeling so sad nearly 8 months after she left me. I am more cross with myself if anything and blame myself too. As a rule, I dont do anger in general. I have only been even slightly angry about twice in my life and one of those times resulted in me breaking my big toe and the other time, I was so angry I fell into a big puddle head first. It's not healthy when you supress it and it builds I guess... T
mickleb Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 Tauch - You are in no way angry enough! You must figure out why you find it so hard to feel. There are many things in this world we can be angry about - think about them! Exercise your right to be angry, embrace it and you will find it easier to feel and process when someone hurts or upsets you in the future. I tell you, it took me years to do this (I was much like you before my therapist encouraged me to let it out). I have achieved so much since - I have learnt to know and speak my mind, and act to change those things that I find unfair and upsetting. It's a bloody liberation, I tell you! I must encourage you to do the same. (You know you're doing too much Internalising, by blaming yourself, don't you? You need to work on that and push some of this sh*te out!) Best of British. x
Roxxstar Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm not sure if this is healthy or not but I am trying to get to the anger stage ASAP. To help me get there I am focusing, fixating actually, on EVERY trivial fight or disagreement we had. I am really trying hard not to allow myself to even think about any goodtimes we had. It's extreemly hard, because I love her so much but I don't want to be pineing away for someone that doesn't want me.
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