nickh Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 My girlfriend and have been planning to get married next year. But I'm terrified of being cheated on, and I don't really trust her. Yesterday I hacked into my girlfriend’s email and facebook accounts. Why? She has never cheated on me as far as I know, but we have had major, and repeated problems over her behaviour with other men. She has done things I think are completely inappropriate – most recently asking two of my male friends to look at her breasts to see if her nipples were showing through her shirt. I told her I would leave her if such behaviour continued, and she has respected my wishes for the last few months, but I still have a hard time trusting her completely. Anyway, in her email, I found a note from her in Spanish, replying to an email from a guy she had a fling with in Barbados a couple of years ago. She says to him, How are you, Happy New Year, my love. That’s it, nothing else. As far as I can tell she has not been in contact with him since we started going out eight months ago. Prior to that they would exchange emails filled with I miss you, love you, etc. ]I’m pissed -- and I know she would hit the roof if I referred to a former girlfriend in such a manner – she also is against maintaining contact with former lovers. She told me she would not stand for if I was friends with a former girlfriend. [/FONT][/sIZE] I also found a note on her facebook wall from a guy I’ve never heard of, telling her how beautiful she is. He also sent her a note in facebook mail telling her she was hot, etc. She has not replied to the note. She only checks facebook and email every couple of weeks. I ‘m looking for opinions as to how I should handle this, and whether or not this is worth leaving her over. Thanks, in advance.
hopesndreams Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I don't see anything incriminating. If you continue to be so distrustful of her, she'll bail.
seibert253 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I'm sorry, but I don't see much there. If she continued to email the one guy after you got together then there would be a big problem. But, according to you she's stopped contact. As far as some guy hitting on her on FB. No different then some dude hitting on her when she out at a club or bar. That's gonna happen. The tail of the tape is how she reacts. So far she's not replied, so I wouldn't be concerned. Now is replies and starts "feeling him out", then you have a problem. The bigger issue here is why you feel the need to spy on her. If she's never cheated before, and hasn't really given you the indication she is, or was going to, then dude, you are way paranoid. Eventually your relationship will crumble from your lack of trust.
Bobby2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Together 8 months and getting married? You already don't trust her. How old are you guys? Seems like you don't know her as well as you thought. Hold off getting married.
FindingE Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Based on the emails and your distrust a marriage should be out of the question right now. A relationship even would seem to be on rocky ground considering the circumstances. Was that happy new year my love email from this new year - as in she sent it in just the past few days? RED FLAG if so. Major. I married a man who didn't trust me, we have built it since then and things are much better than they were in the beginning. But it took two or three years of complete and utter disclosure and minding any and all p's and q's for me to get here. It was a lot of heartache in the process. We got married because I was pregnant with twins. Not the best reason, but it turns out to be working better than I thought it would though we still have our problems. Are you her friend on FB? (If so, you wouldn't be snooping to have seen it, it would have been right there on her wall) I would definitely ask who this guy is and why he is writing that to her. If you aren't her friend - that is another major flag. Lots of questions to ask yourself about this relationship and realize, the way this reads, any marriage between you two at this stage in your lives will end in you both being a statistic, it seems inevitable.
New_Life08 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It is odd how many people who act sexually inappropriate (in mixed company) are often people who would not put up with the same from their partner. Many times they are the ones who fear infidelity the most. I wonder if she also downplays the seriousness of your relationship to others? I have seen this happen and it is obvious they do not like to close the door on prospects even if they don't feel any immediate plans to be with anyone else. I have thought on this subject more than I care to remember and I believe they have such low self esteem they fear abandonment from friends of the opposite sex if they were to make it known they are "taken" and intimately unavailable. I think there is a certain codependency issue there that is unhealthy. I do believe however, while they do not scheme to have a physical affair, they thrive on flirting with the possibility. This is an emotional affair and needs to be dealt with. It is inevitable that it will interfere with your intimacy and communication if it is not stopped. Unfortunately it is a character flaw that they need to admit and work on to be a better person. All you can do is make your boundaries known and follow through with the consequences when the boundaries are violated. I would suggest couples counseling, especially if you plan to marry her. Marriage doesn't change things, it just makes them hide it more. All my best...
dazzle22 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You sound a lot like many women whose posts I have read whose boyfriends are incurable flirts and are always just sticking their "pinkie fingers" over the line of acceptable behavior. (Not that you sound like a woman, just that it seems many more women post about this kind of problem I think) These flirts make their partner subconsciously always a bit nervous because their behavior is always just a tad "off".. never so much you could seem justified to call them on it, oh no, in fact, they would try to make you look like the crazy unreasonable one then... her behavior of calling attention to her breasts..come on...what an outrageous behavior.!! I am sure that like all these types she is very irresistable but you need to know that just because you put a ring on her finger, does not mean you will have the only key to her chastity belt..
doushenka Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Okay. First of all, couples counseling like mad, before you say the I-dos. Make communication your mutual priority; this will build trust. Institute a policy of total honesty, if that's not an obvious need already. Eight months into a relationship really is not long before you agree to marry. What drove you to propose so soon? What time of "next year" will you be marrying -- is it a long engagement?
Author nickh Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 thanks for all who replied. I will be holding off on any marriage plans for now -- to the poster who asked, yes the happy new year my love was from this year -- she sent it to the guy just a few hours before she went to see me. They haven't had any other communication in the last few months. I'm feeling torn up inside -- hurt and upset and angry, both at her and myself for being reduced to snooping.
Angel1111 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You distrust her for a reason. Sometimes, you just have to trust your instincts and go with that. This is too big to ignore. Either end it now, saying that you just can't get past your feelings of distrust (which would be true), or wait until another incident occurs and end it then (and I'm certain another incident will occur). I wouldn't tell her that you looked at her accounts because then she'll be guarded. A lot of her behavior is telling you that she's still on 'the hunt' and that's why you don't trust her, nor should you. And, yeah, I'd be major pissed off if my bf called anyone 'my love' other than me. My take on it is that's she's just not ready to commit.
Bryanp Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 How do you think she would be feeling if you had written what she wrote to an ex lover a couple of hours before you went to see her. I would be pissed also. This is from a girl who is engaged to marry you? I disagree with the other posters. I think she clearly does not wish to cut all ties with her ex-lover.
Woman In Blue Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 You chose to ignore a poster's question about how old you two are, but I'm thinking you're both very young as you'd mentioned in another post that you were studying for a college final while she was out "clubbing" one night. Therefore, I'm assuming you're both way too young to even be considering marriage. You saw pictures of her acting like a stripper grinding up against some guy in a club on the dance floor, and she also exhibits other immature young girl behavior, asking men to look at her chest to see if nipples are showing (she's such an ass) and writing to her ex bf calling him "my love." Dump this party girl. She needs alot of male attention and doesn't seem to be too discriminate as to where it comes from. Her kind are a dime a dozen.
Author nickh Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 thanks for your thoughts woman in blue -- i'm not actually the same poster who wrote about his girlfriend acting like a stripper on the dance floor and grinding another man -- if I saw my girl doing that I would dump her on the spot. But you're right -- she does seem to crave attention from other men. and I hate it. In her defense she has changed quite a bit for me -- after I told her how much I hated some of her behaviour and that I would leave if it continued. i didn't see the question about age -- I'm 30 and she's 29. She's old enough to know better. And she has a son, who I've come to care about deeply.
seibert253 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 thanks for all who replied. I will be holding off on any marriage plans for now -- to the poster who asked, yes the happy new year my love was from this year -- she sent it to the guy just a few hours before she went to see me. They haven't had any other communication in the last few months. I'm feeling torn up inside -- hurt and upset and angry, both at her and myself for being reduced to snooping. Oh, I misuderstood. Having read this, big problem here. Eventually you're going to have to call her on it.
AmIParanoid Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 nick, you need to move on and try not to waste any more time on this one. All the flirting/inappropriate behavior/nipple display etc. is your girlfriend's way of trying to "groom" you to be a cuckold and a doormat. The reason you snooped was because what she was doing is just not right and suggestive that she is doing other stuff behind your back. And she is.
Author nickh Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 thanks to all who replied. I confronted her. she insisted it was innocent and that for her, mi amore was not meant romantically -- at least in this instance. I still have major doubts -- i wouldn't write that to a woman I knew was interested in me -- even if she did live in a different country, as this guy does. she apologized for using the words, and agreed not to contact him again -- she also volunteered to delete the guy who was hitting on her via facebook from her friends list -- she said she hadn't seen his note on her wall. she does only check her fb once every few weeks.
Space Ritual Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 thanks to all who replied. I confronted her. she insisted it was innocent and that for her, mi amore was not meant romantically -- at least in this instance. I still have major doubts -- i wouldn't write that to a woman I knew was interested in me -- even if she did live in a different country, as this guy does. she apologized for using the words, and agreed not to contact him again -- she also volunteered to delete the guy who was hitting on her via facebook from her friends list -- she said she hadn't seen his note on her wall. she does only check her fb once every few weeks. Nick, as you know I posted on your other thread. I am sorry but she is so full of crap her teeth are floating. Just remember that just because someone is deleted on FB does not mean that they cant be contacted due trio the new formatting. They can still send messages if she has her privacy set up to receive messages form non friends. I think you need a little quote from something I recently read so I will post it here for you. Best of Luck When considering a relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. One lie, one broken promise or a single neglected responsibiltiy may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
Author nickh Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 thanks space ritual I think you're right. It just sucks. I almost wish I could have caught her actually cheating or making plans to cheat -- then I wouldn't have any doubts about dumping her.
on1wheel Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 Run, run, run. Sending that "my love" message a few days ago tells you she is not only playing with you. Get checked out by a Dr & then just check out & find someone else. Good luck.
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 You both have huge issues. you don't trust her, she doesn't respect you. No, she doesn't. She already knows the kind of things that p1$$ you off, yet you have to call her on it time and again, before she does anything or apologises. She shouldn't need telling all the time, so she has low boundary perceptions.... If you really think you want to make an effort to progress with this relationship, you must - YOU MUST - both attend pre-marriage counselling and cultivate good and effective methods of Communication. An effective relationship has to have Trust, Communication and Respect (both for self, and your partner.) These are patently, obviously missing. Presumed dead. If you want to both commit 100% to this, then go to counselling. If your heart simply isn't in it any more - then, break up. But understand this - You will still need IC, because I think this may tarnish your trust for any future partner. And that won't be fair on them. Or you.
Author nickh Posted January 13, 2010 Author Posted January 13, 2010 thanks Tara I plan on going to counselling whether we stay together or not. I don't want to be mistrustful without cause. And I vacillate between thinking she has disrespected me enough for me to leave, and thinking I am just too jealous and insecure.
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