OnlyJake Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I have a question for men who date younger women, specifically men who are 30 something or older, and financially stable and settled into a career. I mean, you don't have student loans, you have savings, you have plenty of disposable income, and you're not living paycheck to paycheck. If you are such a man, and you date younger women - and by younger I mean, who just recently graduated with a bachelors or masters degree (if they were consecutive degrees) in the last year or two - do you expect them to be in the same financial situation as you? Let's assume that she is currently employed full-time, but that it took her a few months after graduation to find a full-time job and/or she was working part-time during college and/or after college until she found a real job. In other words, while the economy sucks, she is a hard worker and not the type to mooch off others. And now that she's working full-time, she can pay her bills, but she doesn't have a ton of money (or any) left over for fun stuff, like vacations. If you got into a dating situation with such a girl, and going into it you KNEW what her situation was, would you eventually break up with her over it?
burning 4 revenge Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Im an older man( but not in a good financial situation), but I can't imagine why a man in a good situation dating a younger woman would even want her to be on the same level as him A big part of the fun of being a wealthy older man dating a younger woman is lording it over her
meerkat stew Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 No, of course not, and a man breaking up over that would mean either he was letting the woman down easy or he was a jerk.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 In my experience, I have found that men want to contribute more to the relationship financially than the woman does, and the more financially secure he is, the more obvious this fact becomes. So, I wouldn't worry about it. As long as you're not in personal debt and taking shopping trips you can't afford, you're fine.
Author OnlyJake Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 I haven't been shopping in years! Maybe I'm just really sensitive/insecure about this situation. My last bf was as I described, and all the men I meet who ask me out seem to be in similar positions. My ex would make jokes about the situation somewhat frequently and as I don't like being in that situation, I think maybe I took them to heart, and am very sensitive to this topic. I am very conscious of how much things cost; much more than my ex (even though of course he liked saving money). He just didn't pay attention. A couple of examples: We'd be driving and need to get gas; he'd go to whichever gas station and I'd say, that's so expensive! It's 20 cents (or 30 if you pay cash) cheaper at the station we already passed; let's stop there on our way home instead. Or he'd buy an item for several hundred dollars (not quite an impulse, but he wouldn't shop around for prices); I'd see it, and KNOW where he could've gotten the same item for a couple hundred less and he'd be like oh you'll have to help me next time. Stuff like that. And then, when we'd go out to eat, even though I alwaysalwaysalways offered to pick up the whole bill if it were in my price range, or at least pay for myself if it wasn't, and he'd always say no, so I'd pay the tip and for parking instead; if we were watching a show or reading an article that was about dating and someone commented on girls picking up the tab he'd be like "Are you taking notes?"
Scottdmw Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I could care less how much a woman makes as long as she is motivated and talented. Seriously--it's not even in my top 10. Scott
Johnny M Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 No, of course I wouldn't expect a younger woman who is a recent university grad to be in the same financial position as I am. And I wouldn't break up with her because she was making less money...that's just silly. Only a woman would refuse to "date down". However, I also would not be providing her with the kind of lifestyle she herself cannot afford (in other words, no fancy restaurants, expensive vacations, etc.) Not because I'm cheap but because I want to be sure that the woman I'm seeing is not with me for the money.
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 i dont care what her financial situation is and wouldnt break up with her. i am the type of guy you describe as well.
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I have a question for men who date younger women, specifically men who are 30 something or older, and financially stable and settled into a career. I mean, you don't have student loans, you have savings, you have plenty of disposable income, and you're not living paycheck to paycheck. Well, maybe not paycheck to paycheck but I am not rich and when I do have disposable income, I make the most of it. (Hellllloooooo big screen LCD TV!) I have a small savings that I keep handy but if I get this house I am trying to buy my disposable income is going to dwindle a lot. If you are such a man, and you date younger women - and by younger I mean, who just recently graduated with a bachelors or masters degree (if they were consecutive degrees) in the last year or two - do you expect them to be in the same financial situation as you? Nope. I understand that they are not in the same position financially as I am. Plus, I also believe in chivalry so I don't expect them to pay for everything. If they want to, that's fine, I'm not going to argue with them. Let's assume that she is currently employed full-time, but that it took her a few months after graduation to find a full-time job and/or she was working part-time during college and/or after college until she found a real job. In other words, while the economy sucks, she is a hard worker and not the type to mooch off others. And now that she's working full-time, she can pay her bills, but she doesn't have a ton of money (or any) left over for fun stuff, like vacations. If you got into a dating situation with such a girl, and going into it you KNEW what her situation was, would you eventually break up with her over it? No, that would be utterly retarded. That would mean the guy wasn't dating her for the right reasons or that he's simply a tightwad. I don't date younger women expecting them to carry their own weight 100% of the time. That is part of being a man and a provider. I feel like it's my responsibility to be a provider and that HER income is an added bonus (if we were married for example). Who the heck dates someone based on their financial situation? I mean, other than her being completely inept (like the model chick I was dating) and unable to hold a job because she was a complete lazy bum, I don't see why anyone would date based on financial situations.
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I haven't been shopping in years! Maybe I'm just really sensitive/insecure about this situation. My last bf was as I described, and all the men I meet who ask me out seem to be in similar positions. My ex would make jokes about the situation somewhat frequently and as I don't like being in that situation, I think maybe I took them to heart, and am very sensitive to this topic. I am very conscious of how much things cost; much more than my ex (even though of course he liked saving money). He just didn't pay attention. A couple of examples: We'd be driving and need to get gas; he'd go to whichever gas station and I'd say, that's so expensive! It's 20 cents (or 30 if you pay cash) cheaper at the station we already passed; let's stop there on our way home instead. Or he'd buy an item for several hundred dollars (not quite an impulse, but he wouldn't shop around for prices); I'd see it, and KNOW where he could've gotten the same item for a couple hundred less and he'd be like oh you'll have to help me next time. Stuff like that. And then, when we'd go out to eat, even though I alwaysalwaysalways offered to pick up the whole bill if it were in my price range, or at least pay for myself if it wasn't, and he'd always say no, so I'd pay the tip and for parking instead; if we were watching a show or reading an article that was about dating and someone commented on girls picking up the tab he'd be like "Are you taking notes?" Perhaps in your situation he wanted to make sure that you wouldn't be a burden to him financially or that your situation was more father/daughter than boyfriend/girlfriend?
Author OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Perhaps in your situation he wanted to make sure that you wouldn't be a burden to him financially or that your situation was more father/daughter than boyfriend/girlfriend? I'm really not sure what it was about. He definitely wasn't so much older than me that it was like a father/daughter kind of thing. The first part about not being a financial burden might be accurate. He would make jokes like "aren't you afraid I'll break up with you because you're always broke?" And when I called him out on it he'd claim he was only joking; that if it were really an issue for him he wouldn't be joking about it.
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I'm really not sure what it was about. He definitely wasn't so much older than me that it was like a father/daughter kind of thing. The first part about not being a financial burden might be accurate. He would make jokes like "aren't you afraid I'll break up with you because you're always broke?" And when I called him out on it he'd claim he was only joking; that if it were really an issue for him he wouldn't be joking about it. Correct. If your financial situation wasn't an issue for him, he would never, ever mention it. My vote, again, is that he was simply a tight-wad.
Author OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 (edited) Correct. If your financial situation wasn't an issue for him, he would never, ever mention it. My vote, again, is that he was simply a tight-wad. Boo I can see that thinking back; he was just weird about it because he spent so much money on "stuff" that he could get for way less, or that he just didn't need; bar tabs worth hundreds of dollars every single weekend from going out with friends, etc., never really shopped around on prices; but at the same time would comment on his own spending (bar tabs and cabs especially), and the price of things, without ever really making an effort to save more or change his habits. I could eat very well for an entire month on what he spent on one trip to Whole Foods. I also always remember thinking what the hell is wrong with Smirnoff vodka? Is it really that much worse than Grey Goose or Ketel? I didn't think so. He somehow managed to be a tight-wad while also being a metrosexual brand snob. I think the only place he made an effort was with his electricity bill. Edited January 8, 2010 by OnlyJake
meerkat stew Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I also always remember thinking what the hell is wrong with Smirnoff vodka? Is it really that much worse than Grey Goose or Ketel? You are a truly rare treasure, dear, and the man who gets you will be lucky beyond measure.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Current guy I'm dating is in a muuuuuuuuuuuch better financial situation than I am (and yes - he definitely knows it). I think a big part of what he admires about me, though, is that I'm taking care of my own problems. I don't depend on anyone but myself, and I'm making progress. And if he was going to break up with me over that situation, I would think he would've done it when I disclosed a very huge part of my financial difficulties over a month ago. We've been dating for 5 months. I would also imagine if it was something that weighed on his mind, he'd make comments. But he doesn't.
Author OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 You are a truly rare treasure, dear, and the man who gets you will be lucky beyond measure. *blushes* Current guy I'm dating is in a muuuuuuuuuuuch better financial situation than I am (and yes - he definitely knows it). I think a big part of what he admires about me, though, is that I'm taking care of my own problems. I don't depend on anyone but myself, and I'm making progress. And if he was going to break up with me over that situation, I would think he would've done it when I disclosed a very huge part of my financial difficulties over a month ago. We've been dating for 5 months. I would also imagine if it was something that weighed on his mind, he'd make comments. But he doesn't. Just curious: What would you think if he hadn't broken up with you (knowing your situation), but then made jokes or comments about it?
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Current guy I'm dating is in a muuuuuuuuuuuch better financial situation than I am (and yes - he definitely knows it). I think a big part of what he admires about me, though, is that I'm taking care of my own problems. I don't depend on anyone but myself, and I'm making progress. And if he was going to break up with me over that situation, I would think he would've done it when I disclosed a very huge part of my financial difficulties over a month ago. We've been dating for 5 months. I would also imagine if it was something that weighed on his mind, he'd make comments. But he doesn't. That's the key. Men aren't going to complain about things that aren't a problem in their eyes. If it's a problem, he'll usually say something about it (if he's confident and not a wuss). If he's a door mat, he'll keep his mouth shut and deal with all the problems that bother him until it overflows into a breakup. Silly insecure men. LOL
sumdude Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 (edited) Her attitude towards money is more important than her current financial situation. I'm not a tightwad, have a fair amount of disposable income and savings now. I'm usually pretty good about finding a deal. I tend to like the finer things in life but not extravagance. There is a difference between Beefeater Gin and Bombay Saffire to me at least. But every once in a while I do want to spend like a drunken sailor on a woman.. just because. As long as she doesn't expect it as the norm and appreciated the treat. Edited January 8, 2010 by sumdude
OceanTropic Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 My ex boyfriend was 35 and I was 20 at the time. Of course they do no expect the same financial situation. They are aware they are dating much younger, and if anything they are more willing to take care of you and help you figure things out.
Author OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 My ex boyfriend was 35 and I was 20 at the time. Of course they do no expect the same financial situation. They are aware they are dating much younger, and if anything they are more willing to take care of you and help you figure things out. At 20 were you working full time or were you a student? I would expect a guy to understand that if you're in college (that's one of the reasons I specified a college degree). In my experience some guys don't seem to understand, no matter how bluntly it is stated, that someone who is a recent college grad with student loans and regular living expenses with her first real job can't just throw money around the way he can.
OceanTropic Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I was a student at the time, working a part-time job and living at home with my parents. He didn't seem to mind at all, after all, what 20 year old is already independent and settled? Not even 25 years olds are, its far too difficult at that age, we are at the stage or just getting up on our feet, he should understand this, and I wouldn't be embarrassed about it.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Just curious: What would you think if he hadn't broken up with you (knowing your situation), but then made jokes or comments about it? I would ask him what it was that specifically bothered him about it. Especially considering that I'm not asking him to fix any part of it, and at the point where MAYBE we will/could get serious with each other, a good deal of my financial problems will be resolved. He's well-established in his own career, makes plenty of money to support him and his kids, owns 2 houses. He understands I'm the type of woman that carries my own burdens - so I would never expect the man to handle my financial problems. I think that's why he isn't worried about it. I'm fiercely independent. And in spite of my money situation, I have tried to pay for dates - he won't let me. That's the key. Men aren't going to complain about things that aren't a problem in their eyes. If it's a problem, he'll usually say something about it (if he's confident and not a wuss). If he's a door mat, he'll keep his mouth shut and deal with all the problems that bother him until it overflows into a breakup. Silly insecure men. LOL LOL - true enough. He would definitely say something if it bothered him. Very outspoken. It's part of what I find insanely attractive about him. We each were with people before that would internalize rather than verbalize and it's maddening. So we have no problem saying "WTF" if something is bothering us.
Author OnlyJake Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Anyone else? Just curious if there're other perspectives.
doushenka Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Hey, Big Spend-ah! Darling man, my dyed-haired silvering fox, is far better off than I am, it's true, and I was kind of clueless about this for the first few months of our relationship. ("Honey, are you sure you want to go to the ritziest g-d hotel in town? The Microtel's ten minutes from my house...") However, he knows my situation and, while he pushes me to do my best to improve it, pushes because I want to improve. Certain things are taking longer than I initially thought they would -- health, then job loss -- but I'm tackling my limitations again, and as long as I do that (er, and don't expect him to be my sugar daddy), we're awesome. What matters is that we can have a wonderful evening watching 30 Rock on one of our laptops, sharing a can of orange soda and a box of Wheat Thins for a bedtime snack. As long as it's us, it's golden.
doushenka Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 My ex boyfriend was 35 and I was 20 at the time. Of course they do no expect the same financial situation. They are aware they are dating much younger, and if anything they are more willing to take care of you and help you figure things out. And this. So much this. I've never dealt with certain practicalities; he will happily help me sort through them.
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