Wife upset I haven't converted to her religion

[Gerhard]

I've been married about a year and have been attending church with my wife for about nine months. Prior to meeting my wife, I had never been a churchgoer. While I feel I have good Christian values, I am in disagreement with much of what the Christian church says and I strongly disbelieve what they have to say about the physical world. I accompany her strictly out of respect for her. However, she is upset that I haven't yet converted to Christianity and thinks that after nearly a year of attending church with her, I should have converted by now. I would classify her faith as a blind faith, in that she can't substantiate her belief through anything other than, "it says so in the Bible".

[JamesM]

There are a couple of problems here....

 

1. She thought that you would convert. No one should marry expecting the other to change.

 

2. You married someone whose beliefs you disrespect. And yes, I say that because you call her faith blind with no substance. I have no problem that you belief this of someone, but IMO when it is your wife, then you will find that it lowers your respect for her.

 

SO....the difference in beliefs can only get bigger. When and if there are children, then how will they be raised? Just one major hurdle ahead.

 

As one who believes like your wife (except I think I can give better answers than "The Bible says so"), I feel for her. But I also feel for you as you will feel like you are stuck with someone who has "weird" notions about how we should live and about what happens after death.

 

The only way this will work besides the obvious that either of your conforms to the other's beliefs/non-beliefs, is acceptance of each other as to how you each believe now. Don't expect her to change, and she cannot expect you to change. Respect the other for what they believe and allow each to practice as he or she sees fit.

 

While I think you should be converted, I don't think it can be done just to please her. And it won't.

 

However, when the children come....things will get very interesting.

[RedDevil66]

ugh...religion is such mind control. It causes wars, fights and lots of trouble.

 

When religion is no more, the world could be at peace.

 

Tell your wife to suck it up and find more serious issues to worry about.

If she would a "real" christian, she would accept everyone's ways.

 

the end!

[TaraMaiden]

Frankly, I'm surprised this issue never arose whilst you were courting....

Did you know she was a devout Christian?

Did she know you weren't?

Did she ever voice the opinion or expectation that you would convert after marriage?

 

I really think you need to stop going to Church just to please her.

The point of going to church is to praise, worship and pray to God as a fellowship with fellow Christians, and to celebrate wahtever's happening in the moment.

not 'out of respect for her'. This isn't respecting her at all, because essentially, you're living a lie and going for the wrong motives.

 

You need to discuss this, and establish your boundaries, and fix them.

No reproach, no repercussions, no guilt-trips, no appeasement, no dishonesty.

You have to tell her like it is.

Be warned: As James so rightly points out - this could be a real dealbreaker - kids or no kids.

[reservoirdog1]

I don't see your view of your wife's faith as disrespectful of her. In my opinion, religion almost completely comes down to a matter of "blind" faith. Among my friends are a number of very intelligent people who go to church. To be honest, I find religion somewhat silly, when you get right down to it. But hey, everybody needs something in their life to believe in or to give them inner happiness. If that's religion, in their case, then may they rock on.

 

However, I draw the line where somebody tries to ram their religion down my throat. Fortunately none of my friends have tried to do so. I expect some of them see MY views as silly. But that's okay -- we can easily agree to disagree.

 

I imagine you and your wife had a number of discussions about religion before you ever got married. Presumably some of those happened around the time you agreed to start going to church with her. Did you ever give her the impression that you were planning to convert? Or was it always made very clear to her that you would attend as her husband and out of respect for her, and not as a future adherent?

 

If that's the case, then she's out of line. Faith and belief are very personal things. Some people of faith seem to be myopic on this point: your position on religion is not a "zero" -- it's just as valid a position as hers is. You have your own, considered, personal reasons for not being religious, just like she has her own reasons for being religious.

 

As long as you haven't misled her about your intentions, I think you need to make it very clear to her that the only possible outcome you will accept is to "agree to disagree", and that you will not engage in any further arguments about it or accept any further pressure from her about it. You could also suggest that, if it would help, perhaps you should stop going to church with her. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

If she won't agree to the above, then you could have a serious problem between the two of you.

 

As an aside, towards the end of my marriage, XW got religion and was thinking about becoming a Catholic. (She ultimately became an Anglican.) We have two kids, who have been baptised. When the kids are with her on Sundays, they sometimes go to church. When they're with me, they don't. Before I knew the marriage was going to end, I remember telling her that I didn't mind her going to church, or taking the kids there, but that I wouldn't be attending (I'd stay home and sleep in instead). This wasn't a problem.

 

Frankly, your wife just needs to get off her high horse, accept that you are not a person of faith, and let the matter drop.

[Gerhard]

There are a couple of problems here....

 

1. She thought that you would convert. No one should marry expecting the other to change.

Shortly after we met, when we had our early discussions about religion, she didn't expect me to attend church with her or have the same belief as her. It was more important to her that I had good Christian values.

 

2. You married someone whose beliefs you disrespect. And yes, I say that because you call her faith blind with no substance. I have no problem that you belief this of someone, but IMO when it is your wife, then you will find that it lowers your respect for her.

I say there is no substance because she lacks the Christian knowledge to answer any of my questions and is unable to provide any basis for her belief other than by pointing to the Bible. As she has been a Christian for only a few years, I respect the fact she isn't a Bible scholar. But she gets irate when I discuss the topic with her and/or ask her questions.

 

SO....the difference in beliefs can only get bigger. When and if there are children, then how will they be raised? Just one major hurdle ahead.

Children. That's easy. I'd raise them in such a way that they should base their beliefs on what they can observe. Or introduce them to all potential religious beliefs and let them make their choice.

 

As one who believes like your wife (except I think I can give better answers than "The Bible says so"), I feel for her. But I also feel for you as you will feel like you are stuck with someone who has "weird" notions about how we should live and about what happens after death.

I don't think religion is about how we should live and what happens after death is more a belief of the physical world. Whether or not that aspect of the physical world pertains to religion appears to be subjective.

 

 

The only way this will work besides the obvious that either of your conforms to the other's beliefs/non-beliefs, is acceptance of each other as to how you each believe now. Don't expect her to change, and she cannot expect you to change. Respect the other for what they believe and allow each to practice as he or she sees fit.

I accept and respect her belief - as long as she retains Christian values. While she respects my Christian values, she doesn't respect the fact I haven't accepted "Jesus as my Lord and Savior".

 

While I think you should be converted, I don't think it can be done just to please her. And it won't.

I could easily fake it, but I don't believe in being deceptive in that manner.

 

However, when the children come....things will get very interesting.

Yes, it will be interesting.

[Gerhard]

ugh...religion is such mind control. It causes wars, fights and lots of trouble.

 

When religion is no more, the world could be at peace.

 

Tell your wife to suck it up and find more serious issues to worry about.

If she would a "real" christian, she would accept everyone's ways.

 

the end!

I am in agreement with you. As George Carlin once said, "God is the biggest mass murderer of all time". Without religion, there probably wouldn't ever been any wars - and without wars, millions of deaths wouldn't have occurred.

 

But I do believe it's important to have good Christian values - but not as a ticket to get into "heaven" or to please other Christians. But to be honest to ones self and to treat others with respect. In other words, how you live your life & how you treat others is paramount to whether or not you believe in God. And a good God would know this.

[Gerhard]

Frankly, I'm surprised this issue never arose whilst you were courting....

Did you know she was a devout Christian?

Did she know you weren't?

Did she ever voice the opinion or expectation that you would convert after marriage?

We did discuss it prior to marriage. I knew she was a Christian and she knew I had good Christian values, but had no interest in organized religion. She never indicated any expectation that I would convert after marriage. This only came up after I had been accompanying her to church for several months.

 

I really think you need to stop going to Church just to please her.

The point of going to church is to praise, worship and pray to God as a fellowship with fellow Christians, and to celebrate wahtever's happening in the moment.

My Christian friends say the leaders of the church would find it more commendable that I am accompanying my wife to church & am in support of her religious interests, than it is for a Christian to go to church every Sunday. Why? Because I'm going above and beyond the call of duty. While the Christian is doing what would be expected of him.

 

not 'out of respect for her'. This isn't respecting her at all, because essentially, you're living a lie and going for the wrong motives.

I'm living a lie? Please elaborate.

 

You need to discuss this, and establish your boundaries, and fix them.

No reproach, no repercussions, no guilt-trips, no appeasement, no dishonesty.

You have to tell her like it is.

She understands where I'm at and I have conveyed it to her clearly. She doesn't see it as a dealbreaker, but merely raises the issue when she's upset about other things.

[JamesM]

I say there is no substance because she lacks the Christian knowledge to answer any of my questions and is unable to provide any basis for her belief other than by pointing to the Bible. As she has been a Christian for only a few years, I respect the fact she isn't a Bible scholar. But she gets irate when I discuss the topic with her and/or ask her questions.

 

Then this can only get worse. If she really wants you to convert, then she should educate herself so that she can answer your questions.

 

 

Children. That's easy. I'd raise them in such a way that they should base their beliefs on what they can observe. Or introduce them to all potential religious beliefs and let them make their choice.

 

I can guarantee that her response will be much different. This will be a much bigger divide than you may think at this time. When the children come, their long term welfare becomes really important to both parents.

 

I don't think religion is about how we should live and what happens after death is more a belief of the physical world. Whether or not that aspect of the physical world pertains to religion appears to be subjective.

 

 

My guess is that she thinks it applies to her whole life and how she lives plus it means alot to what happens to her after death.

 

I accept and respect her belief - as long as she retains Christian values. While she respects my Christian values, she doesn't respect the fact I haven't accepted "Jesus as my Lord and Savior".

 

And for you....this will be a big point of resentment because it seems as if you cannot meet her standards to be the perfect person or husband or eventually, father.

 

I am in agreement with you. As George Carlin once said, "God is the biggest mass murderer of all time". Without religion, there probably wouldn't ever been any wars - and without wars, millions of deaths wouldn't have occurred.

 

But I do believe it's important to have good Christian values - but not as a ticket to get into "heaven" or to please other Christians. But to be honest to ones self and to treat others with respect. In other words, how you live your life & how you treat others is paramount to whether or not you believe in God. And a good God would know this.

 

THIS will get us into a discussion which will get us off topic for your own thread. So I won't go too far off topic. One quick...religion is not behind all wars. In fact a quick study would show you that many many wars begin without any basis of religion. And many which use religion as the excuse are actually wars based on power struggles and hatred. Take Hitler who was not a Christian despite what some may say. He wanted to purify the Aryan race. And then think of Stalin, Pol Pot, and on and on.

 

BUT....I truly do not want to get into that kind of discussion here. While I am surprised that your wife cannot answer such questions, I can see that it would make it hard for you to believe something that she cannot even defend intelligently (and I mean no disrespect to her. Unfortunately she is not alone).

 

 

I do think that the two of you have a bigger divide than you think.

[Gerhard]

I don't see your view of your wife's faith as disrespectful of her. In my opinion, religion almost completely comes down to a matter of "blind" faith. Among my friends are a number of very intelligent people who go to church. To be honest, I find religion somewhat silly, when you get right down to it. But hey, everybody needs something in their life to believe in or to give them inner happiness. If that's religion, in their case, then may they rock on.

 

However, I draw the line where somebody tries to ram their religion down my throat. Fortunately none of my friends have tried to do so. I expect some of them see MY views as silly. But that's okay -- we can easily agree to disagree.

 

I imagine you and your wife had a number of discussions about religion before you ever got married. Presumably some of those happened around the time you agreed to start going to church with her. Did you ever give her the impression that you were planning to convert? Or was it always made very clear to her that you would attend as her husband and out of respect for her, and not as a future adherent?

We discussed this long before we got married and it seemed to not be an issue with her. I even told her that I wouldn't object to attending church with her every once in a while. But I never told her I would make converting to her religion a priority. I've conveyed to her that I attend out of respect for her and to accompany her and that I'll always try to make the most of anything I have to do, but don't want to do - so I ask questions and get to know people. I don't sulk or complain at all. But now she thinks I should have accepted "Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior" simply because I have attended church for several months.

 

If that's the case, then she's out of line. Faith and belief are very personal things. Some people of faith seem to be myopic on this point: your position on religion is not a "zero" -- it's just as valid a position as hers is. You have your own, considered, personal reasons for not being religious, just like she has her own reasons for being religious.

 

As long as you haven't misled her about your intentions, I think you need to make it very clear to her that the only possible outcome you will accept is to "agree to disagree", and that you will not engage in any further arguments about it or accept any further pressure from her about it. You could also suggest that, if it would help, perhaps you should stop going to church with her. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

If she won't agree to the above, then you could have a serious problem between the two of you.

 

As an aside, towards the end of my marriage, XW got religion and was thinking about becoming a Catholic. (She ultimately became an Anglican.) We have two kids, who have been baptised. When the kids are with her on Sundays, they sometimes go to church. When they're with me, they don't. Before I knew the marriage was going to end, I remember telling her that I didn't mind her going to church, or taking the kids there, but that I wouldn't be attending (I'd stay home and sleep in instead). This wasn't a problem.

 

Frankly, your wife just needs to get off her high horse, accept that you are not a person of faith, and let the matter drop.

Very good points and thanks for your input.

[quankanne]

Frankly, your wife just needs to get off her high horse, accept that you are not a person of faith, and let the matter drop.

 

I don't know if I'd classify you as as someone who doesn't "have" faith, but as one who doesn't easily fit the identifying label. Because when someone tells me he or she doesn't believe, yet strives to uphold a strong sense of moral values, it tells me that there's a higher power working in his/her life and that this person is "on the right path" as a Christian would call it.

 

I also agree that your wife is riding a high horse, expecting you to conform without truly seeing that you are also on a spiritual journey even though it might not appear to be so because again, it doesn't easily fit into an identifying label.

 

the chick who runs the faith formation office for our diocese once mentioned something about how in a marriage "I am responsible for getting my husband to heaven, and him, me." And it's true: It's by our action and support that we help others along in their faith journey. Not by insisting that they believe as we believe, but in modeling that kind of love God has for us so that others are inspired to love this way, too.

 

or, more succinctly put: It's easier to catch flies with honey than vinegar :laugh:

[hopeful1980]

Personally, I think you led her on by attending church with her. When I was growing up, mostly women attended church. It wasn't because their husbands weren't Christians, but because that's not how they wanted to spend 3 hours on Sunday (especially not during football season).

 

Anyway, the perception was that when a husband attended church with his wife that it was he who was more devout than her or at least as into it as she was. Most likely she had talked him into it by referencing the children and saying they needed to be on the "same page" and have a "united front". That's how my mom got my dad to go and he is a Christian.

 

At any rate, that's the only thing I think you did wrong. If you are going to church with her every Sunday, of course she's going to expect you to join. Plus she's probably getting asked all type of questions from the other parishioners about when you are going to join.

 

When kids enter this picture, the ***** is going to hit the fan.

[reservoirdog1]

Personally, I think you led her on by attending church with her.

I don't know... it sounds like he was pretty damned clear that he was attending as her husband and that he was not interested in converting. I'm not sure how much clearer he could have been. Given that she's gotten religion pretty recently, it sounds to me like she's letting her relatively newfound fervour blind her to things that aren't totally in accord with her new beliefs -- she's in the "wow this is amazing and so enlightening how can anybody not totally agree with all of it blah blah blah" stage.

 

When kids enter this picture, the ***** is going to hit the fan.

 

AGREED. This issue should be addressed and discussed now, while you only have the two of you to be concerned with.

 

Because when someone tells me he or she doesn't believe, yet strives to uphold a strong sense of moral values, it tells me that there's a higher power working in his/her life and that this person is "on the right path" as a Christian would call it.

Interesting point, Quankanne. To be honest, I've generally denied the possibility that I, despite being an athiest, might be in some way "spiritual". Maybe I'm simply refusing to acknowledge that possibility. I do have a pretty strong sense of moral values; I do have a bit of a belief that if you treat others like crap, sooner or later it will bite you in the ass. I guess I could possibly concede that there might be some higher power, but I don't believe it resembles anything I'm aware of from the organized religions. Who knows, maybe it's something like "The Force".

[2sunny]

how old are you both?

[RedDevil66]

I am in agreement with you. As George Carlin once said, "God is the biggest mass murderer of all time". Without religion, there probably wouldn't ever been any wars - and without wars, millions of deaths wouldn't have occurred.

 

But I do believe it's important to have good Christian values - but not as a ticket to get into "heaven" or to please other Christians. But to be honest to ones self and to treat others with respect. In other words, how you live your life & how you treat others is paramount to whether or not you believe in God. And a good God would know this.

 

Nor would there be too many births causing over-population since most religions don't believe in birth control.

 

I think it's important to have good values also, but values can come in any flavor and color, not just christain values.

Being a good person in any form is a great thing to have.

[Gerhard]

Frankly, your wife just needs to get off her high horse, accept that you are not a person of faith, and let the matter drop.

 

I don't know if I'd classify you as as someone who doesn't "have" faith, but as one who doesn't easily fit the identifying label. Because when someone tells me he or she doesn't believe, yet strives to uphold a strong sense of moral values, it tells me that there's a higher power working in his/her life and that this person is "on the right path" as a Christian would call it.

I know some people who are profound atheists, yet they also strive to uphold a strong sense of moral values. Are these people not atheists?

 

Interesting that you speak of strong sense of moral values, as my wife exhibits a lot of types of behavior that the Bible indicates are wrong for a Christian.

 

I also agree that your wife is riding a high horse, expecting you to conform without truly seeing that you are also on a spiritual journey even though it might not appear to be so because again, it doesn't easily fit into an identifying label.

Perhaps it would better fit into a different type of message boards, but I don't view my desire to uphold strong moral values to have anything to do with a spiritual journey of mine. However, if that's how 'spiritual journey' is defined, then I guess I am on a spiritual journey.

[Gerhard]

Personally, I think you led her on by attending church with her. When I was growing up, mostly women attended church. It wasn't because their husbands weren't Christians, but because that's not how they wanted to spend 3 hours on Sunday (especially not during football season).

I think you're right that I have led her on to think I will convert. However, I enjoy the people, the upbeat environment, the intellectual challenges and the stories others have to share. Because of this, I have virtually no aversion to accompanying her to church.

 

Before we married, I made it clear to her I didn't want to attend church not because of any religious viewpoints of mine, but because it would tie up one weekend day every week for the rest of our lives. It wasn't so much the type of activity, but the time & frequency with which it occurs.

 

Anyway, the perception was that when a husband attended church with his wife that it was he who was more devout than her or at least as into it as she was. Most likely she had talked him into it by referencing the children and saying they needed to be on the "same page" and have a "united front". That's how my mom got my dad to go and he is a Christian.

 

At any rate, that's the only thing I think you did wrong. If you are going to church with her every Sunday, of course she's going to expect you to join. Plus she's probably getting asked all type of questions from the other parishioners about when you are going to join.

 

When kids enter this picture, the ***** is going to hit the fan.

She has told me others ask her if I'm a Christian and she doesn't like saying "no". She and I have talked about better ways for her to respond that wouldn't be as uncomfortable for her. But more importantly, it's outright wrong for me to convert simply so she doesn't have to feel uncomfortable when others ask about me. Furthermore, that type of converting wouldn't mean I believe anything different from what I believe now. It would be a feigned belief.

Edited January 7, 2010 by Gerhard

[TaraMaiden]

So, with all these different points of View, and all these responses from you....

What do you think you'll propose to do, now?

[Gerhard]

I don't know... it sounds like he was pretty damned clear that he was attending as her husband and that he was not interested in converting. I'm not sure how much clearer he could have been. Given that she's gotten religion pretty recently, it sounds to me like she's letting her relatively newfound fervour blind her to things that aren't totally in accord with her new beliefs -- she's in the "wow this is amazing and so enlightening how can anybody not totally agree with all of it blah blah blah" stage.

I've been very clear with her that I won't feign a belief and that I will only convert if I'm given a valid reason for converting.

 

 

AGREED. This issue should be addressed and discussed now, while you only have the two of you to be concerned with.

I don't see this as a big issue, as the emphasis shouldn't be so much on our beliefs of the physical world, an afterlife or how man came into existence, but on having a good sense of moral values. If a good sense of moral values equates to being spiritually strong or having a relationship with Jesus, then it's merely a matter of semantics.

 

Interesting point, Quankanne. To be honest, I've generally denied the possibility that I, despite being an athiest, might be in some way "spiritual". Maybe I'm simply refusing to acknowledge that possibility. I do have a pretty strong sense of moral values; I do have a bit of a belief that if you treat others like crap, sooner or later it will bite you in the ass. I guess I could possibly concede that there might be some higher power, but I don't believe it resembles anything I'm aware of from the organized religions. Who knows, maybe it's something like "The Force".

As I said, it may just be an issue of semantics.

[2sunny]

I think you're right that I have led her on to think I will convert. However, I enjoy the people, the upbeat environment, the intellectual challenges and the stories others have to share. Because of this, I have virtually no aversion to accompanying her to church.

 

Before we married, I made it clear to her I didn't want to attend church not because of any religious viewpoints of mine, but because it would tie up one weekend day every week for the rest of our lives. It wasn't so much the type of activity, but the time & frequency with which it occurs.

 

She has told me others ask her if I'm a Christian and she doesn't like saying "no". She and I have talked about better ways for her to respond that wouldn't be as uncomfortable for her. But more importantly, it's outright wrong for me to convert simply so she doesn't have to feel uncomfortable when others ask about me. Furthermore, that type of converting wouldn't mean I believe anything different from what I believe now. It would be a feigned belief.

 

so these "Christians" are there to judge whether or not you suit their standard or requirements? sounds very "unchristian like" to me. if they are following their own belief system - they aren't supposed to be judging at all...

 

seems very back wards... but really G, so does every interaction and requirement in your household and marriage.

 

where does all this nonsense end for you G? your wife makes all these hideous and unreasonable requests and requirements and you just seem to bow down - but at the same time complain and complain... where is the healthy boundary that should exist in a happy marriage?

 

maybe you just like having things to complain about - if so, you married the perfect person.

 

stop complaining or do something about all of her unreasonable demands.

[Gerhard]

So, with all these different points of View, and all these responses from you....

What do you think you'll propose to do, now?

In this thread, people are coming from a wide variety of angles & points of view. I don't yet know what I'm going to do, but I know for sure I won't feign belief. While I could easily feign belief when it comes to some people, others know how intelligent I am and wouldn't recognize my feigned belief as real.

 

I'm going to have to have a heart to heart chat with my wife. However, she gets irate anytime I bring the subject up - so I wouldn't be surprised if the chat doesn't last long, in which case I'll have to write her a note. I've even suggested we meet together with a pastor, but she is against the idea.

 

I'm just puzzled why or how someone could let religion take such hold over their life. Give up a Sunday morning every week for the rest of your life. Go out and go for a walk in the park. That's got to be more healthy for your mind, body and soul than sitting in church.

[Gerhard]

so these "Christians" are there to judge whether or not you suit their standard or requirements? sounds very "unchristian like" to me. if they are following their own belief system - they aren't supposed to be judging at all...

It wouldn't surprise me if these "Christians" she's talking about aren't actually asking about my faith and that she just makes that up. I've asked her to have them speak directly with me, but that never happens.

 

seems very back wards... but really G, so does every interaction and requirement in your household and marriage.

 

where does all this nonsense end for you G? your wife makes all these hideous and unreasonable requests and requirements and you just seem to bow down - but at the same time complain and complain... where is the healthy boundary that should exist in a happy marriage?

 

maybe you just like having things to complain about - if so, you married the perfect person.

 

stop complaining or do something about all of her unreasonable demands.

I don't see that her requests and demands are that unreasonable. Asking that I accompany her to church isn't unreasonable.

 

But you're right. Some requests of hers are extremely unreasonable. And I tell her so. I don't give in, she sometimes makes threats, then sulks for anywhere from a few hours to a day and then she stops. I've learned from earlier situations (described here) to not engage her when she wants to bring up something with which she won't have a mutually respectful discussion.

[redtail]

etc...

I've learned from earlier situations (described here) to not engage her when she wants to bring up something with which she won't have a mutually respectful discussion.

 

My hygienist is devout christian, her husband of some 20+ years is an athiest. They get along just fine and she knows better than to force her point of view on him, or anyone else for that matter. Her beliefs seem to work for her, and she has enough respect to allow others the same satisfaction in their beliefs, even if they differ from hers.

 

In my humble opinion, you and your wife need a third party to counsel you two so that you both can have a similar agreement. She needs to be more open and allow you the same freedom you allow her, as a relatively new convert. As it is often said, few are as self righteous as the newly converted.

 

"When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion." - Abraham Lincoln

[quankanne]

Who knows, maybe it's something like "The Force" LOL, I always tend to think of "the Shwartz" ... you know, Mel Brooks? More along my line of thinking

[Scottdmw]

Hey G,

 

I would describe myself as a well-informed (Catholic) Christian, who has spent a great deal of time trying to understand what my church teaches and why. The best advice I can give you is to try to gently encourage your wife to inform herself to the point where she is capable of answering your questions in a more reasonable way. As a person of faith herself, she really has a duty to God (IMHO) to be able to do this. It is possible she would actually convince you. Even if not, you would probably respect her more at that point.

 

If you go down this road, make sure to emphasize to her that it's not something you expect to happen easily or quickly. That is, she won't be able to read a book or talk to the pastor, talk to you for an hour, and then expect you to convert. This would be more like a long dialogue that would extend over months or even years, and require a continuing commitment from her to do the hard work of understanding what her faith really teaches and why. My grandfather was married to my grandmother for over 40 years before he converted. Emphasize that there is no promise at all that you will convert at the end of it all. As you say, faith and belief have to be sincere or they are not worth anything. Honestly though, if she's not willing to do the work, she doesn't have much room to stand on making demands on you.

 

As a side point, if you are truly interested in hearing some viewpoints on some of the issues you talk about your wife, feel free to PM me. I always enjoy a good discussion, but it might take the main discussion here off-track. If you don't want to do that, I think there is still value in you finding another man who IS well-informed to talk to about these issues, again if you really have a desire to understand things better. Men and women just don't think the same way to some level, and it can make it difficult to talk to each other about things like this.

 

Best wishes,

 

Scott