Is something going on with my husband?

[should be happy]

I've been married for a little over 7 years. Lately, I have just been feeling like my husband and I are "off." It's been really awkward the past couple days and he doesn't really talk to me or if he does, it seems to be something negative. He's been sleeping in the other room under the guise that our son should sleep in our bedroom b/c he coughs in his room (kind of true). Just all of this building up has made me suspicious so I looked through his phone, even though I know I shouldn't have. I was expecting to find something recent but instead found a text message from a guy friend of ours asking my husband how his date was going and "with a couple more Coors Lights, he might get some." I realized this was from when they went on a bachelor's trip to Nashville in June. Should I confront him about this or just let it go? It is eating me up inside because I always thought we were the perfect couple, we've always been so in love and open with each other and we have two small children together. I don't think he's having an affair, he's not really away enough to be pulling that off, but I really don't like the idea that he's out flirting and buying drinks for other women. I'm not dumb and know what that usually implies and leads to. Plus, he KNOWS that is something that I would not be okay with. What also bothers me is that he used to go to work in Nashville almost every other week this past summer and I'm pretty sure he would go to the same restaurant supposedly by himself but now that I'm thinking about it, he would get back so late...at like 1am or later. That is not his style at home, he's usually asleep on the couch at 9pm. So, should I be concerned and should I confront him? Thanks...

[Patrice]

Definitely confront him ...

[whichwayisup]

Lately, I have just been feeling like my husband and I are "off." It's been really awkward the past couple days and he doesn't really talk to me or if he does, it seems to be something negative

 

Tell him exactly this ... And tell him that you want to be closer with him.

 

Do a date night and have some fun. Laugh and be silly.. See how things go.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

DO NOT TELL HIM ANYTHING!

 

Cheaters will almost ALWAYS lie when confronted.

Hell, they lie even when you have evidence.

 

The only way for you to find out is through your own investigating.

 

You can install a key logger on his computer.

You can put a voice activated recorder in his car.

You can try to access his call details on his phone.

You can look back on all bank/credit transactions.

Look at cash withdrawals, and note the time and location.

Look at his underwear drawer.

 

Did he have any change in habits during the suspicious time (change of hair cut, facial hair, new underwear, cologne, exercising, grooming pubic hair)?

 

If you ASK.....he will almost definitely deny....and then cover his tracks.

 

Why would he tell you now...you have no proof.

He can easily explain that text message as a joke amongst friends.

 

I am telling you this from a great deal of experience with infidelity.....

[eeyore1981]

DO NOT TELL HIM ANYTHING!

 

Cheaters will almost ALWAYS lie when confronted.

Hell, they lie even when you have evidence.

 

The only way for you to find out is through your own investigating.

 

You can install a key logger on his computer.

You can put a voice activated recorder in his car.

You can try to access his call details on his phone.

You can look back on all bank/credit transactions.

Look at cash withdrawals, and note the time and location.

Look at his underwear drawer.

 

Did he have any change in habits during the suspicious time (change of hair cut, facial hair, new underwear, cologne, exercising, grooming pubic hair)?

 

If you ASK.....he will almost definitely deny....and then cover his tracks.

 

Why would he tell you now...you have no proof.

He can easily explain that text message as a joke amongst friends.

 

I am telling you this from a great deal of experience with infidelity.....

 

I completely agree with this. Do not confront unless you have something to back it up.

[2sunny]

i agree with checking further. but make no mistake - if your gut tells you something's "off" - you are likely to be correct.

 

get the firm evidence - then talk about it with him to see if things can start changing... the work is mainly his to do if things are to get better.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm with the 'do not confront yet' crowd on this one. Anything you do to show your hand before you have 100% proof will result in nothing more than gaslighting and driving the affair deeper underground.

 

I suspect the separate bedroom thing is done so that he can tell the OW that you and he don't share a bed in order to placate her. It goes right up there with 'we live like roommates, we don't have sex' etc.

 

Its funny how a MM will whine and complain about how things are for him, but rarely are they truthful about how they got that way.

[should be happy]

Well, I don't think I can get anymore proof. I've looked on the computer in his emails and our bank account and in his phone and I've found nothing else. I don't want to install things and listen in on him. He's never cheated on me before to my knowledge. I really don't think he's having an affair right now. He goes to work and comes home at pretty much no later than 6 every night and goes to a happy hour every once in a while. Seriously, there's no way he could be doing anything. We live in Cincinnati and the trip to Nashville was a Bachelor's party (I don't think I phrased that correctly in my first post) with a ton of guys. Without the text message I found, I don't have any other proof and I would be over this. So maybe the guy sent the message to him in error and meant to send it to one of the other guys? And maybe I'm the one causing the awkwardness b/c of what I found. Every time I would look at him, I'd want to cry or blurt out what I found so I just avoided him. Plus, he's super smart so why would he keep that message on his phone? It's the only one on there that is in any way incriminating. And there is no response from him to it. They were all so drunk apparently on the trip that who really knows what happened. I don't know, my mind is just screwed up right now. He stopped going to Nashville for work around September I think and he's no longer in that position, he got promoted. I think I've decided to just wait and see how things go. I was normal and like myself last night and he was too. I said in my first post that our son is sick (recurring croup) and he seems to cough more when he sleeps in his room than when he's in ours. This was true and before we left for New Years, my husband and I were in the extra bed together for a while then I went and slept in our room with my kids later that night. I'm not really able to do anything with him this week so maybe I am just a hormonal paranoid person! It's just that he normally likes to cuddle and play with my hair and this whole week he's been in that other room sleeping and when we're on the couch, he's on the other one. And he's not joking with me like he usually does. So, maybe he did have a summer fling this past summer, I don't know. I would like to hope not but that text is pretty suspicious. I can't remember him changing any of his habits, I do his laundry and there was nothing new there. I looked on our bank account and there's cash withdrawals but I can't tell what he used them for...for all I know, we needed the cash to buy something off of Craigslist, I can't remember that far back. I am going to talk to him tonight and ask if everything's okay with us. He doesn't get "secret calls" and there's no one suspicious on his FB (although that would be kind of dumb of him). It's just been a weird week and not the best way to start my new year! Except now he is sick and if our son gets sick, the croup comes back so I'm sure he'll continue sleeping in that other dang bed until he's better! GRRR! Please tell me if you all think I am just a crazy stay-at-home mom this week or if I'm in denial!

[crazycatlady]

Usually when your gut is that active that something is wrong enough that it got you to snoop when you never would have snooped before, there is usually a reason for it. That said.....

 

Its up to you to decide if its worth the worry and the upset. Take the worse case - IMO from what you have said about your H - he had a ONS or a very brief A in Nashville where he doesn't even go anymore. He's got no contact and doesn't seem to be pining for the contact.

 

That's probably the worse case senerio here.

 

And it may be you are blowing a text out of proportion. Maybe he just did some drunk flirting or was even being hit on himself and his friend was just joking around about it. Oh and being smart doesn't mean that a man can't be tripped up by a text message, my H is very smart, but that's how I know.

 

I think you need to really sit and think about this. Men on their own sometimes do stupid things. If your worse fears are right, does it affect anything long term? Would you leave him? Really think about it. Yes, it would hurt and your heart would definately be broken at least for a while. Which is why I gotta ask, is it worth it trying to find out the truth? Also keep in mind, if he was rather innocent - like he was drunk and flirting, or was being hit on himself - his feelings could be hurt greatly if you accuse him of something he didn't do.

 

You could approach this several ways. You could do as other suggested and search for more proof. And if there is nothing there and he finds out trust will be killed and feelings hurt - just keep that in mind. You could come out and ask him. Say "Hey, I looked at your phone because I was feeling insecure and I saw this text. I looked because it feels like you are pulling away which made me feel insecure." You could also arrange a date night with him and say "Love, it feels like we are pulling apart from each other and i want to make a point of us reconnecting" And then you need to just let it go because it doesn't matter in the long run. But only you can decide that.

 

Its a tough situation. And only you can decide what to do. By your own words, your behavior is getting weird because of it. So if nothing else you need to talk to him about that. If only "I've been acting weird because it feels like you have been acting weird, and aren't we both being silly?" Who knows.

 

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

CCL

[should be happy]

Thank you for your advice, you are SO right. No, I wouldn't leave him if it was just a 1-time thing if it is what even happened. I just don't want it ever happening again!! I'm hoping I'm blowing the text out of proportion...the guy is a REALLY good friend of ours, his wife is the best friend I have here, and I just don't see him condoning my husband to "get some" from another woman! That text just really, really freaked me out. The whole reason I haven't said anything to him is b/c of the trust thing. I would feel horrible if he's innocent and still the guy I married and he will be extremely hurt if I accuse him of doing something he didn't. I'm not going to search for more proof. I'm sure I'll find things that'll make me suspicious (why did he take $100 out of the ATM?) now that my guard is up when they are completely normal activities. And I want him to be able to go out with friends w/o me having to worry that he's up to no good. I know he flirts and while I don't like it, it's kind of human nature. He's a good looking guy and I'm sure people notice that. We were talking last night that we need to go out on a date...with 2 small kids and no family for either of us anywhere near to help out, it's easy to get wrapped up in everyday life, I guess. I know I've let myself go a little and this whole thing has made me realize that. And I'm def snippy and do-not-touch me a lot more so I'm going to work on that too. Whatever the problem is, I know it's not just him, I have some part in it too--my whole attitude is pushing him away and I need to adjust it before something really does happen. Thanks again, you've helped tremendously...I think I just needed some non-judgemental advice.

[crazycatlady]

SBH - at 7 years married with two young kids I could have written the same thing. Its a hard to go sometimes and being without family is difficult.

 

So, find friends who can switch off sitting duties. Ask around about babysitters. Its very easy as a stay at home mom to become sucked into being MOM. But being YOU and wife are also very important. As your kids get older, they can be put off to second and the marriage can go back to sometimes being first. Or, YOU can go back to sometimes being first. Balance is key.

 

If its not something you would leave him over - then I would try very hard to let it go from my mind. I won't tell you it won't come up in your mind again. I'm sure it will. I think things like that come up when things slip up between the two of you. Just take a look at what's going on, and make reconnecting important. While you can't change him, you can change you, and you can bring up that you think you two need to reconnect.

 

But that's what good marriages are about, connecting, and sometimes reconnecting. Noone can always be there 100% of the time. And it can be easy to take each other for granted or to let every day life take over. And its things like that that can be a wakeup call.

 

If the reconnect doesn't go well, or you feel that he's pulling away even as you try to get closer, then you might want to consider bringing it up and out into the open. Because it is possible he did screw up over the summer - sadly we are human, and being apart, even for a short period of time when drinking can lead to people being really stupid - and the guilt is just really getting to him and then it needs bringing up so he can get it out and it can stop being a festering wound for him. It will hurt you - and why he would feel so guilty over it. But I think htat's the worse case senerio and life rarely is the worse case. But give you two some time to learn to make the other a bit higher priority.

 

CCL

[silverplanets]

I know he flirts and while I don't like it, it's kind of human nature.

 

Why does he flirt? What's he looking for inside that he needs to get it from knowing he is attractive to ther women??

 

Ignoring if or if he hasn't had a ONS or A .. how do YOU feel about this flirting ... if you're ok with it then fine .. if it makes you feel devalued then perhaps you guys need to discuss it.

 

I am male and very easy going,chatable .... I never realised for a long time that I was flirting, but then some females pointed out to me how my easy going chatty nature was interperted.

 

More to the point, one day I was completely blindsided when someone I really cared about told me how some chatting was doing hurt them. At first I ran the "what i can't have friends" anger reaction, but then she made a point .... ok, so how would you feel if you saw me taking to men in the same manner you were talking to x .... mmmm ... it didn't take me long to think .. "i'd feel kinda hurt" ...

 

That was years (and years) ago and we're no longer together, but it stayed with me as a reminder that if you love somone you need to take a little care about how your actions would make them feel (even, perhaps especially, when they are not there).

 

The seperate bed things is worryingm unless it genuinly is innocent ...

 

If he;s not a cold serial affairist (and it doesn;t sound like he is) then once you're back in the same bed you;ll be able to instantly detect if his mind is not fully on you ...

 

Trust your instincts ...

 

But I also agree with everyone else, if you do get to the point where you really do think something is going on then get as many facts as you can and think through any confrontaion carefully.

 

I've been a MM and had an A .. (again, years n years ago) ... and what a prev poster posted is correct ... we only admit to what we think you know ... and then, quite naturally, we take extra care to cover everything else.

 

Sad and destructive I know (and I was younger then) but just being honest.

 

Hoefully it's just an off patch and everything will be ok ...

[Blindsidedagainalive]

At first, you were asking an opinion from us.

Now that we are supporting something you don't want to hear, you defend your husband, and call yourself paranoid.

 

He's never cheated on me before to my knowledge.

True, you have no knowledge....MOST affairs go undetected. It doesn't mean he had one...or did NOT have one.

 

I really don't think he's having an affair right now. He goes to work and comes home at pretty much no later than 6 every night and goes to a happy hour every once in a while. Seriously, there's no way he could be doing anything.

He absolutely can be having an affair.

Affair partners meet at lunch. They take days off of work. They meet affair partner and go into work late. They leave work early and meet affair partner.

My STBX had a 6 month affair, and was meeting OM several times a week.

We were ALWAYS together. We even commuted to work together.

They find ways...

 

So maybe the guy sent the message to him in error and meant to send it to one of the other guys?

 

You are really reaching here.

 

And maybe I'm the one causing the awkwardness b/c of what I found.

 

Sure, its all YOUR fault.......

 

Maybe he did have a summer fling this past summer, I don't know.

 

Are you okay with this? What if the behavior continues?

If he got away with it, he will do it again.

 

I am going to talk to him tonight and ask if everything's okay with us.

 

Not a good idea.....he will ask why and you will confess suspicion. He will allay your fears....and you will be happy with the answer you WANT.

 

Please tell me if you all think I am just a crazy stay-at-home mom this week or if I'm in denial!

 

Let me answer this by saying the following...

On your original post, you said "now that I'm thinking about it, he would get back so late...at like 1am or later. That is not his style at home, he's usually asleep on the couch at 9pm"

 

This is a major red flag, and you ignored this on your second post.

 

I don't know if your husband had an affair, nor do you at this time.

 

I am only saying, you will NEVER know if you don't investigate yourself.

 

If you don't want to go through the investigating, then drop it and forget it. You will NOT know the truth by confronting him.

[Woman In Blue]

He's never cheated on me before to my knowledge. I really don't think he's having an affair right now. He goes to work and comes home at pretty much no later than 6 every night and goes to a happy hour every once in a while.

Wow. Yes - you're completely in denial.

 

Things at home are "off" enough to drive you to post to this board seeking advice and then when you get probable confirmation that you're not crazy and more than likely right that he's up to no good, you do a complete 180 and defend all his suspicious behavior.

 

Seriously, there's no way he could be doing anything.

Did you not mention he was working in Nashville every other week for a period of time? May I assume you'd implanted a video camera on him and could watch every move he made from the moment he got up til the moment he went to sleep each time he was in Nashville? And did you also not say that he frequented the same restaurant while there in Nashville but never got in before 1:00 am? Do you honestly think he was hanging out with a bunch of pot-bellied businessmen discussing the merits of Capitalism Vs Socialism each night til after midnight??? Oh my.

 

Don't kid yourself - MANY people are able to carry on affairs and still get home for dinner every night at their usual time. And if he does have a "squeeze" in Nashville, he's probably using his work computer and work phone during the day to stay in contact with her. Or perhaps she's provided him with a "secret" cell phone that she put on HER plan so they can communicate without it showing up on your cell phone bills.

 

I also find it rather odd that your husband has such a sudden paternal interest in your son and needs to sleep in his room at night. Where was this wonderful paternal interest when he was working away from home in Nashville every other weekend? Guess he wasn't "feeling" it then. I'd look around REAL CLOSELY in your son's room for a hidden cell phone that Father of the Year is using to text his girlfriend while "monitoring" your son's coughing every night. What a bunch of bunk.

 

And lastly, your husband's buddy was obviousy aware that your husband was "dating" someone a while back and hoping to get lucky by pouring beers down her throat. Do you really believe that his buddy sent that text erroneously to your husband when it was meant for some other guy pouring beer down a woman's throat? Honestly?

 

Damn. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

 

And you know, for what it's worth, parents who insist on keeping that umbilical cord intact by sleeping with their kids are NOT doing themselves any favors. Nor are you doing any favors for the kids. I'll just never understand why grown adults quit being "men" and "women" once they have kids. You're doing yourself NO favors by eliminating all the romance, passion and intimacy in your marriage - as a man and a woman - by throwing all your kids in bed with you every night. I'm sorry, I'll just never understand what the possible benefits of doing that could possibly be.

[should be happy]

Wow, so many things to reply to here.

CCL-thanks again, you made me bawl. My husband and our marriage is very, very important to me and I will do whatever I need to in order to make things right again.

 

Silverplanets-I just think people flirt. I am okay with what I consider innocent flirting where you know it's not going to go anywhere. My husband and I have openly talked about this and how we will see other attractive people and that it's okay, but there are boundaries.

 

I agree the separate bed thing is weird--it was only at the end of last week and this week. This past weekend we were in the same room but with our kids (staying at a friend's house) and switched sleeping together or with the kids. It's just the way we work and always have. If it weren't for him not doing the usual hugging and joking with me like he normally does, I would honestly completely write the whole separate bed thing off. TMI, but I can't do anything with him this week anyway so sleeping in a different bed doesn't necessarily have to mean anything suspicious. He could just be thinking since we can't do anything this week, why not sleep in there alone. I've often slept in that bed when my kids were sick and he's been in ours by himself. I am optimistic and hopeful that once we are in the same bed again things will go back to normal. We tend to get a little distant when we are not able to be together and then are normal again when we can. Thanks for your input!

 

Wow, Blindsidedagainalive, you are scaring me a bit with your jadedness. Yes, you are right, I did change my tune after getting the comments and advice and that's b/c I've been thinking about my situation and considering everyone's advice and comments. A lot of you seem to be very jaded and since you've been cheated on, you seem to think the worst of everyone. I don't, he's my husband whom I love deeply and I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. All I have to go on is how he's been a little short with me for a while, the fact that he is not sleeping with me in bed this week and then a text message I found this week. Not exactly a lot of proof. Up to this point, I have always believed he has been faithful to me.

 

I still strongly believe he is not having an affair right now. We email back and forth during the day using his work email and there is no other place he can send the emails from. None of the people who work there take lunch breaks b/c it gets so crazy in there. Any time missed from work would be noticed b/c they have to have someone cover them just to go to the bathroom. He doesn't have any extra vacation days. He used them all for vacations with us and rolled over the others for this year. He can't go in late or leave early for the same reason. If anything, they will let him go a little early and he will come straight home. I am quite confident he is not having an affair now. I am only worried about what happened this summer. Maybe I shouldn't have even mentioned anything about him sleeping in the other bed. I'm thinking more and more it's innocent.

 

Yes, I probably am reaching with the text being meant for someone else. It probably was meant for him but being that it came from this friend I know, it could have been some sort of joke, however completely inappropriate and obvioulsy not appreciated by me.

 

I did not mean to imply that it is all my fault. I'm saying the awkwardness from this week is my fault b/c of the text I found. I do not believe he knows I found the text and it's just odd that the week I found the text is the week he's acting weird to me? Too coincidental, so yes, I do think I'm responsible for that.

 

No, it is not okay if he does it again, if he did have a ONS or A. I don't believe he is someone that has tons of affairs and I don't have any more proof. I'm not even sure he had 1. I refuse to put listening devices in his car. I feel bad enough that I snooped through his phone.

 

I don't think mentioning anything about us being "off" will cause any harm. I think it will do good. We need to have a talk.

 

I don't really know why I ignored the fact that he stayed out late in my second post. It was the first time I thought anything bad about it when I was writing it. Does it bother me? Yes. But it doesn't have to mean he was out having sex with another woman. But like you said, it could very well be that.

 

He is not an evil person and he knows how much it would hurt me. If I confront him, I think it will come out if there is anything. I know many of you disagree with this, but out of all of us, I'm the one who knows my husband and the relationship we have. Thanks for your input as well.

 

Wow, Woman In Blue, I almost don't want to comment on your post b/c it is really hate-filled and pretty disrespectful to me. The reason I came to this board is b/c I have no one else I feel comfortable to talking about this. I don't want anyone in my family knowing or my friends knowing there may be something wrong. When I have a problem, I talk to my husband. The reason I changed my tune was b/c I didn't have all of the story out and you still don't have it right.

 

When I made my comment that he seriously could not be having an affair right now, I was not meaning when he was in Nashville. NO, I didn't have a video camera on him to record every move. He was there to meet with customers during the day, the night was his. Yes, him going out by himself was different, but what else was he going to do? He's there by himself and doesn't want to sit in a hotel room all night by himself. (And no one please make some rude comment about that, please remember this is my husband).

 

I am not so cynical that I believe he has a secret cell he is using and keeping in my son's room. It's only been this week and I have been staying up MUCH later than him (thinking about all of this) and he's not talking on a secret phone. That's kind of ridiculous, we live in a small house, I can hear everything.

 

Wow, and his SUDDEN paternal instinct is not sudden. He is and always has been an AWESOME dad. People are constantly mentioning that to us, that we are great parents and maybe that's b/c we let them sleep in bed with us sometimes so our son is not up coughing his lungs out and not able to breathe and we rush him to the ER.

 

My husband was not in Nashville on the weekends, it was during the week for 2 nights at most, usually one. Nashville was his territory so he had to meet with customers. Of that, I have no doubt. The only time he was there on the weekend was for the bachelor party.

 

You really pushed a button with the kids sleeping with us. Most nights up until this week and the end of last, our kids sleep in their own beds. My husband and I share a bed most of the time. Only if our kids are sick do I maybe go sleep in that room. Both of us noticed our son coughing more when he was sleeping in his room so we moved him to ours. He's getting surgery next week to hopefully repair that and then he can move back into his room.

 

I came here seeking some input so I could think things through clearly and look at it from different aspects and opinions. I'm not turning around and saying my husband is innocent, maybe he did do something. But I don't have that proof and am not going to waste my life away trying to find something that may not be there. If he did something, I think it was a one-time thing and if anything, he's feeling guilty about it. Or maybe he's being short with me b/c I haven't been giving the kids their fruits and veggies like I'm supposed to. He just started this new job that keeps him going from 8-5, I'm sure it's tiring. I am making some excuses for him but I believe he is a good person still and am giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm not going to post on this anymore, I've gotten my answer and I thank you all for your help.

[AmIParanoid]

Something happened in Nashville at the bachelor party, that's for sure.

 

Could be they had strippers at the party giving bj's or more for some extra cash in the spare bedroom.

 

Maybe your H had too much tequila and peer pressure from his jackass friends and he had sex with one of the strippers.

 

This might explain the separate sleeping arrangements. It might be shame; it might be fear of having picked up an STD.

 

You must confront.

[Space Ritual]

It's time for you to confront.

 

As has been stated on this forum before...we want to hold onto something...ANYTHING that will either point out to us that our loved one could never possibly do this, or maybe that it just didnt happen. At that point many of us who feel that way tend to just shut down our common sense.

 

OP, basically you came here wanting us top tell you that it was nothing, but instead of telling them that they are all jaded I would submit to you that the opionions you are getting are based on Valuable experience. Horrid and awful experience. so before you blow this off thinking that it just can't be....think again. Your situation is not unique by any stretch of the imagination. I suggest you read some of the post by these people. Many of them could have written verbatim your original post

 

The advice wasn't what you wanted to hear...It is what you needed to hear.

 

Please think real hard about it so you dont return here in 6 months and tell those who have given you advice that you should have listened in the first place. You can only sweep this under the rug for so long....

[Blindsidedagainalive]

The number one sign of an affair is feeling or suspicion.

 

I too denied my feeling with the same justifications.

 

Like I said, I even COMMUTED with my STBX back and forth from work.

We were ALWAYS with each other.

 

For ONE hour a week she met the other man....when she went shopping.

She bought extra shoes, and would come home with a new pair so i would think she was shopping.

Trust me...ANYONE can find the time to do this.....because it doesn't take a lot of time.

 

My STBX did not use any vacation time to see the OM.

 

A lot of you seem to be very jaded and since you've been cheated on, you seem to think the worst of everyone. I don't, he's my husband whom I love deeply and I am trying to give him the benefit

of the doubt

 

We are trying to snap you back into reality. We have a lot of experience with affairs. We know the signs. We hear the denial.

I have been STUDYING affairs for over 2 years, through many books, websites and forums. We are educated on this matter. We have seen MANY people like yourself post here.

 

What happens in Nashville, stays in Nashville I suppose.

 

Oh, and the possible ONS text thing is the least of your worries. I am not referring to that. I agree, that could have been nothing.

 

It's your gut feeling and the late nite uncharacteristic 1:00AM thing that I am referring to.

 

Again, if you confront.....you will NEVER know the truth.

[crazycatlady]

Its not for sure something happened in Nashville. Men joke around about the stupidest things, and maybe some woman was flirting with him and his friend was teasing him about it. Or maybe he was flirting, or maybe something happened.

 

Which is why I asked the OP the questions I asked. It all boils down to her feelings on if it was worth making this into an issue if it was to be a ONS or even a short term A when he was going there so often.

 

I understand making the decision she made. I have made that decision myself. My love for H is very strong, and like her I own up to my own mistakes that lead to the feeling of offness. And while I can't fix him, I can change me and so I did. And things have improved. Things also changed on his side - maybe because I was giving him what he needed, and because of other issues as well working out.

 

In a lot of ways, I can understand why an OW/OM would wait for the WS for years if need be. Love can be very powerful. My H is a part of me and while I could make it on my own I would rather not do so. I want him in my life. the OP feels the same way. So rather then let bitterness eat away at her, or mistrust or worry, she's going to let it go. Maybe she was wrong, maybe her worry is right, but what matters to her, right now, is working things out with her beloved. She has that right to make that choice.

 

This is the reason why I posted on the OW/OM board first. Because of the jadedness and bitterness of some of the BS here. There is a lot of anger and I didn't feel anger towards either party. There seems to be a need for finding proof and nailing the WS's ass to the wall. And I didn't feel like that either.

 

She isn't shutting down her common sense, instead she is making a rather calm and rational decision on what's important to her. IMO. I shouldn't speak for her like I'm doing, but I see very much where she is coming from.

 

And about the 1am. I'm in bed most nights by 11 (usually dragging H with me so I can jump him, ) but when H is out of town, I'm up most of the night. Maybe her H has trouble sleeping in bed alone too, and so hung out in a bar watching sports, playing trivia games who knows until almost 1. The worst case senerio is not always the truth.

 

CCL

[StillFighting]

I personally would just ask him. I always trusted my husband 100% and knew there would be no way that he would ever cheat on me. He started acting strange for about two weeks and I remember talking to my girlfriends saying, "if I did not know better, I'd think he was cheating on me". I laughed when I first said it, thinking how unrealistic that was. But I trusted my instincts and checked up...It did not take me too much longer to find evidence...yes he did deny it instantly and unfortunately two months later still denies how deep the relationship is/was. But regardless, I feel better knowing...and in some way, I feel better knowing that he knows I know. Does that make sense? At least this way you will not feel as though he is keeping you completely in the dark.

[dazzle22]

There are many red flags here. He at the very least WAS up to something, but agree with all the others, confrontation without stone cold proof avails NOTHING. Why do you say that text was a mistake or you can't see that friend sending that? Believe it. Guys you think you know can say things in private that would make your toes curl...

 

BTW, your son's recurrent "croup" is undiagnosed asthma. Get him to a doctor who knows how to treat it properly - a lot don't recognise it for what it really is, nor treat it correctly..(I am a doctor)

[should be happy]

Well, everyone, because I couldn't keep it in any longer, I asked my H if we could talk last night. I mean, I haven't eaten in like 3 days b/c I've been so worked up over this. I asked him if he thought things were "off" with us this week. He was genuinely shocked and didn't think so. I told him I had to tell him something and told him I thought things were weird with us this week and I told him I looked on his phone and found a message. He had no clue what I was talking about. So he grabbed his phone and checked the message and what he told me made perfect sense. I've already said there were a ton of guys there. One of them is a guy he just met and they really hit it off. At one point in the night, my H and this guy were sitting at a table alone drinking Coors Lights. Our friend saw this and sent that text message. Now, I know many of you are not going to believe this, but like I said, I know my H and our friend and this is such a typical way of joking b/t them, I am embarassed I didn't think of it before. He's not hurt at all that I looked at his phone, he told me he has nothing to hide, so I can look. If he was hiding something, he'd lock his phone w/ a password. I told him that I feel like we argue a lot more and things aren't the same as they used to be and that he's mean to me a lot more and he agreed he is and he feels bad about that. I think what makes him feel the worst is that I told him I feel like I'm not good enough for him anymore. His biggest thing was where all of this suspicion (sp?) came from and I told him I think it's b/c of my insecurities of being a stay-at-home mom while he goes out to work everyday and sees people dressed up nicely and professionally and he comes home to me who's in my comfy clothes b/c I've been playing with the kids all day. So we are trying to figure out what to do to boost my confidence. I know MANY of you are going to say I'm just accepting what I want to hear and that there are too many red flags but really, I KNOW that I just jumped to too many conclusions. There was always something I was trying to figure out. While on trip, he started liking Coors Light and that guy he was sitting with is the one who got him to start drinking it. I didn't understand why he would like Coors Light and profess it to me so excitedly if it was some tramp in Nashville who he had ONS with that got him started on it. I've already said again and again that he's not having an affair right now, it's what happened in Nashville that bothered me. My way of explaining things off is much more the H I know than the one who would sneak around on me cheating on me. So, say what you will, I believe him 100% and know this will really only make us stronger b/c we are going to start focusing on each other again. Someone asked why I couldn't believe our friend would send a message like that? Well, it's b/c he's like a brother to me and no brother of mine would send a message encouraging my husband to cheat on me. I keep things held in for too long and it builds up, it's always been a problem with me. I should've talked to him about things a long time ago. He did make a joke with me afterwards last night...he told me he's going to start calling me Elin...lol. CCL, I feel like you and I could be great friends. If my sister had any cats, I might think you were her on here. Anyways, you wrote exactly the way I think and feel. Even if it had been a ONS, it just wouldn't make me leave him. Not b/c I'm a doormat but b/c I could in some small way understand even those who love you can hurt you and do stupid things and make mistakes. But we have a family and usually we work really well together. So, thanks again, everyone. I wish you the best of everything.

[crazycatlady]

SBH - I think you did right to talk to him. I know what you mean by it really bothering you. And I have friends who would both tease my H or me about something like that. Also as a hopefully soon to be former stay at home mom I know what you are going through. I totally feel ya there. So keep in touch.

 

CCL

[Space Ritual]

Well, everyone, because I couldn't keep it in any longer, I asked my H if we could talk last night. I mean, I haven't eaten in like 3 days b/c I've been so worked up over this. I asked him if he thought things were "off" with us this week. He was genuinely shocked and didn't think so. I told him I had to tell him something and told him I thought things were weird with us this week and I told him I looked on his phone and found a message. He had no clue what I was talking about. So he grabbed his phone and checked the message and what he told me made perfect sense. I've already said there were a ton of guys there. One of them is a guy he just met and they really hit it off. At one point in the night, my H and this guy were sitting at a table alone drinking Coors Lights. Our friend saw this and sent that text message. Now, I know many of you are not going to believe this, but like I said, I know my H and our friend and this is such a typical way of joking b/t them, I am embarassed I didn't think of it before. He's not hurt at all that I looked at his phone, he told me he has nothing to hide, so I can look. If he was hiding something, he'd lock his phone w/ a password. I told him that I feel like we argue a lot more and things aren't the same as they used to be and that he's mean to me a lot more and he agreed he is and he feels bad about that. I think what makes him feel the worst is that I told him I feel like I'm not good enough for him anymore. His biggest thing was where all of this suspicion (sp?) came from and I told him I think it's b/c of my insecurities of being a stay-at-home mom while he goes out to work everyday and sees people dressed up nicely and professionally and he comes home to me who's in my comfy clothes b/c I've been playing with the kids all day. So we are trying to figure out what to do to boost my confidence. I know MANY of you are going to say I'm just accepting what I want to hear and that there are too many red flags but really, I KNOW that I just jumped to too many conclusions. There was always something I was trying to figure out. While on trip, he started liking Coors Light and that guy he was sitting with is the one who got him to start drinking it. I didn't understand why he would like Coors Light and profess it to me so excitedly if it was some tramp in Nashville who he had ONS with that got him started on it. I've already said again and again that he's not having an affair right now, it's what happened in Nashville that bothered me. My way of explaining things off is much more the H I know than the one who would sneak around on me cheating on me. So, say what you will, I believe him 100% and know this will really only make us stronger b/c we are going to start focusing on each other again. Someone asked why I couldn't believe our friend would send a message like that? Well, it's b/c he's like a brother to me and no brother of mine would send a message encouraging my husband to cheat on me. I keep things held in for too long and it builds up, it's always been a problem with me. I should've talked to him about things a long time ago. He did make a joke with me afterwards last night...he told me he's going to start calling me Elin...lol. CCL, I feel like you and I could be great friends. If my sister had any cats, I might think you were her on here. Anyways, you wrote exactly the way I think and feel. Even if it had been a ONS, it just wouldn't make me leave him. Not b/c I'm a doormat but b/c I could in some small way understand even those who love you can hurt you and do stupid things and make mistakes. But we have a family and usually we work really well together. So, thanks again, everyone. I wish you the best of everything.

 

 

Good Luck...SEE YOU IN 6 MONTHS!!!

[2sunny]

Good Luck...SEE YOU IN 6 MONTHS!!!

 

or ten more years like it did with me when i never addressed the issue when it originally reared it's ugly head...