Is what you did during a breakup a deal breaker for reconciliation?

[Cristoforo]

My ex and I got back together recently after 9 months apart, then about a week later she broke it off again. During our reconciliation she kept asking me if I had slept with anyone during our breakup. I kept lying to her and did not tell her that a few months back, when we were broken up, I had a one night stand that meant nothing to me. I used protection and it was a one time thing. Me and my ex were sleeping together as well shortly after I had the one night stand. When we decided to get back together a little over a month ago, she kept asking me if I'd slept with someone else and I kept lying, until it got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and I just told her the truth.

 

She broke it off again and now seems content with cutting me out of her life completely. I know I did the wrong thing when I lied, but I don't really think what I did during the breakup was any of her business and she shouldn't really be mad about it. She told she was upset about both the lie and the fact I slept with someone. Which leads me to believe that had I told the truth right off the bat, she would have dumped me anyway. I had a feeling about this, and that is why I lied. Something inside me made me tell the truth eventually and now she is gone.

 

I'm just wondering how other people feel about this. I know she has every right not to want to be with me because she can't trust me because I repeatedly lied about something like that. However, had I been honest from the start, would it have been a big deal. Is sleeping with someone else during a BREAKUP something that can be a deal breaker for reconcilation. I find that if someone doesn't want to get back together with you because you did something while you were broken up, then they don't really love you enough. If she had slept with someone while we were broken up, I would have been hurt at first, but because I love her and want to spend my life with her, I would be able to get past it if we could start fresh.

 

What do others think about this?

[Silver_star]

I feel that this is a sensitive subject area. If you do sleep with someone while you were broken up with your ex, there are many factors that come into play that an ex may be curious to know, such as:

1. How long after we broke up did you hop into bed with somebody?

2. Why did you hop into bed with somebody?

3.Do you still contact this individual? Does she contact you? (in any way)

4. Were you safe with this individual?

5. Would you do this to me again?

 

Never LIE to her, that is a sure fire way to end the relationship (which she did). There is a way that you could have slept with a woman on a break and approach it with her and have her take it better. Knowing that all of these questions will form in her mind immedietley you need to reassure her. Do not approach this matter while in bed (this will likely end bad), it needs to be done when you are first considering reconciliation. Sit down with her and answer all the questions (above) with sensitivity.

 

Remind her that you know it was a mistake, and that you just want her to know this going in because you want to make this work and you want complete honesty between you two. Tell her that you were confused and hurt and if it will help tell her you didnt even enjoy it. Tell her you never speak to this woman and you will never see her again. Tell her you never want to be with anyone but her from now on.

 

These steps will likely help in reconcilation in a positive way. Just dont lie about things. The truth comes out eventually.

[CaliGuy]

She was probably asking you because she either knew you did or that she slept with someone else and wanted to feel "valdiated" for doing so (if you did, then it was OK for her to).

 

Personally I see those kinds of questions as red flags. Why not ask her "Why is that question important? Why do you need to know? What does it matter what I do when we're broken up?"

 

Questions like that are always a disaster.

[Silver_star]

if those questions are red flags to you your obviously not serious about wanting to get back together and dont really care about her feelings anyways. If thats the case, leavve the poor girl alone.

[CaliGuy]

if those questions are red flags to you your obviously not serious about wanting to get back together and dont really care about her feelings anyways. If thats the case, leavve the poor girl alone.

 

Not sure if you meant this for me, but as anyone who has talked to me knows, I am really not a big fan of second chances.

 

People who truly love you would never walk away from you. Why give them a second chance to poop on you again?

 

Screw me once, shame on you.

Screw me twice, shame on me!

[Silver_star]

I agree it is wise not to get involved in a relationship that is not going to work out or one that only ever had problems. But some people do reconcile or will reconcile anyways and for those guys (like the author of this thread) who want to legitamatley go back and "make it work" so to speak. I am just giving a females perspective and logical look at how to make things better and not go into a relationship with lies. If you are sleeping with other woman while on break your probably not handling yourself in a mature fashion, but if you do see the error of your ways in the past and realize you want to "fix" things you need to be honest. If she were to get mad and dump you for telling the truth then she isnt the girl for you and its time to move on to better things.

[annxxdisaster]

This is just a random note...but it seems like you've evolved quite a bit through your long stretch on LS, CaliGuy. It's interesting looking at your threads from 2005-2006ish and reading your opinion about second chances then as compared to now.

 

Ohh life.

[HLP234]

I agree it is wise not to get involved in a relationship that is not going to work out or one that only ever had problems. But some people do reconcile or will reconcile anyways and for those guys (like the author of this thread) who want to legitamatley go back and "make it work" so to speak. I am just giving a females perspective and logical look at how to make things better and not go into a relationship with lies. If you are sleeping with other woman while on break your probably not handling yourself in a mature fashion, but if you do see the error of your ways in the past and realize you want to "fix" things you need to be honest. If she were to get mad and dump you for telling the truth then she isnt the girl for you and its time to move on to better things.

 

My ex said she wanted a break and then went around hanging out and seeing another guy. While I sat here wondering what the hell was going on. I agree its not mature at all and I would have rather told her myself when it started that I don't want a break, but I didn't know what I know now.

 

Pretty much just ran away without saying anything. The only way is to sit down and talk everything out and if it doesn't end good, be prepared for it..its not right to just leave the other person hanging.

 

Even if you were with other people during the break, tell her anyways. At least you will have no regrets later and you have been honest.

[Cristoforo]

I'm just wondering, if you were in my ex's shoes, and I had been completely honest from the beginning and told her that when we were broken up that I had a one night stand and it meant nothing, would you still be able to reconcile with me if you really loved me and wanted to make it work, as she said she did? I shouldn't have lied to her and I guess I'll never know what the outcome may have been if I had been honest from square one.

[HLP234]

Well if I were in your situation, if she really wanted to reconsider getting back with you, she would talk to you about it. Did she ask for the break the first time?

 

If she did, then she should not be upset about what each of you did. I'm not sure why she broke it off with you the first time anyway.

 

But coming from my point of view, I would not bother if she was the one that left you. I was completely cut out too without any closure or "its over" speech so I plan on us never speaking again..there is really nothing to say.

 

I wouldn't keep trying for her, its only going to push you further away and make you feel worse. If she wants to work it out she should let you know, but to be on the safe side, make sure you don't fall for any traps..such as meaningless conversations if you do start talking to her.

 

You don't want to be hanging around and feel like you are getting no where. Tell her straight up if she wants to work it out and talk with you, if not, then you have to move on.