2.50 a gallon Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Alas, No! He did try for seveal years. Even bought himself a tux for the opera and the ballet. But she would never lower herself to sleeping in the woods again. Within the past few days, I have heard, they have separated, sold the house, he has moved into the RV and found a younger lady who has the same ideals in life as he. They are now in the southwest awaiting the snow to melt so they can move back north for the summer. She is not doing as well financially and is the miserable one. The kids and grandkids have moved on, and she can no longer afford to fly out to visit them. They in turn would rather spend time with pops and fishing.
vangel2 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Ok. What about the person who had the A? I've been in my marriage with my husband for 7 years & over those years he's been abusive (emotionally, physically, & verbally).. I had an EA to cope with the pain, but not once did I blame him for my affair that I had for a month with my ex. I confessed the whole thing to my husband & since then he's been on a rollercoaster about it for a long time. We did separate & now he's wanting a divorce. I have beem fighting for my marriage every since, but I also don't want to fight for the man he's become. I've been praying for God to restore our marriage & to soften his heart in order to forgive me & see that this marriage has the potential to get better. I know it's going to be hard bc of the trust...but it can be rstored & the marriage can be so much better. So, what if it was the other way around? What if I'm the one whose wanting to save the marriage after committing an EA?
Author tnttim Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Ok. What about the person who had the A? I've been in my marriage with my husband for 7 years & over those years he's been abusive (emotionally, physically, & verbally).. I had an EA to cope with the pain, but not once did I blame him for my affair that I had for a month with my ex. I confessed the whole thing to my husband & since then he's been on a rollercoaster about it for a long time. We did separate & now he's wanting a divorce. I have beem fighting for my marriage every since, but I also don't want to fight for the man he's become. I've been praying for God to restore our marriage & to soften his heart in order to forgive me & see that this marriage has the potential to get better. I know it's going to be hard bc of the trust...but it can be rstored & the marriage can be so much better. So, what if it was the other way around? What if I'm the one whose wanting to save the marriage after committing an EA? The process I used works for both sides. It handles the separation part of the process, and it worked to get my W back. The rest I'm still working on, and I'm still having great results because of the growth that happened to me during the separation. My suggestion to you is easy. NC, go out and have fun, and stop trying to fix the marriage. Start with that and then tell me after a week how much different he is.
Author tnttim Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 W and I spent 5 days together on the road working and it went great. It was her suggestion to go, she said she needed the money, but I knew it was also a test to see how far we have come, and where we stand. We had 0 fights, and plenty of opprotunities to fight. The last day was the hardest because I was exhausted and just wanted to be home. I'm thinking the MC on wheels really helped both of us out. We can communicate about anything now, with no fear of either of us judging or trying to change the others mind. It made the trip very relaxing to know I could finally be myself, and just have fun with her. I had a few boughts where I thought about the A, but I just battled the demons inside and soon the feelings subsided. I keep telling myself that I am a way better person than I was, and the person she cheated on is dead and gone. I also can see her growing from this experience, and changing to be a better spouse. I guess my feelings were right, at least so far, that if you just let go of the past and try to move on it's the best. It works for a recon, or a D. You just have to deal with some ghosts and try to press on each day. I pray some of you out there starting this scary journey could see life from my eyes for just a minute. You would see that life goes on and can be so much better if you focused on being happy, not vindictive. You would see the second you stopped trying to make things work, they would start working without your help. You would see the past is just that, done and over. You would see me standing with the light of the tunnel silhouetting my body. That's the direction I have been facing since D day, my face to the light of the tunnel and my a*s to the darkness of it.
floridapad Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 We can communicate about anything now, with no fear of either of us judging or trying to change the others mind. It made the trip very relaxing to know I could finally be myself, and just have fun with her. This is so important, but such a difficult thing to do after and A. Being able to listen or speak without fear (of pain) is the toughest thing I have endured and I'm still not there yet. It is so tough to hear where her head is at without feeling some pain. I'm glad it went well for you. It sounds like you're in a groove but more importantly it sounds like your W is growing for herself. It makes growing together so much easier.
Author tnttim Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 The more she talks, the more I listen. I used to try to think of ways to change her feelings, and I would always end up unfulfilled. Now I just try to support her feelings, but I don't justify them. It's hard to explain how I do it, but I am seeing great results. I have also changed my thought process, I think of the outcome first. Then I work my way back to the actions to get that outcome. IE: she's mad about something and I want her to chill out. Telling her to chill doesn't work, getting mad at her for freaking out doesn't work, sitting there with a dumb look on my face doesn't work. Ahah, listening and telling her I understand, and that I too have those feelings sometimes works. I'll do that then. Another huge step I have taken is that I think a lot more before I speak or react. I used to think firing off the first idea was the best because then I was training myself to be a quick responder. What a dumba*s I was. I think that's why I love texting so much now, it gives me time to craft a good response. I get to mull it over without pressure.
tojaz Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Ok. What about the person who had the A? I've been in my marriage with my husband for 7 years & over those years he's been abusive (emotionally, physically, & verbally).. I had an EA to cope with the pain, but not once did I blame him for my affair that I had for a month with my ex. I confessed the whole thing to my husband & since then he's been on a rollercoaster about it for a long time. We did separate & now he's wanting a divorce. I have beem fighting for my marriage every since, but I also don't want to fight for the man he's become. I've been praying for God to restore our marriage & to soften his heart in order to forgive me & see that this marriage has the potential to get better. I know it's going to be hard bc of the trust...but it can be rstored & the marriage can be so much better. So, what if it was the other way around? What if I'm the one whose wanting to save the marriage after committing an EA? Nice to see you back Vangel. You've done what you can. You were honest with your H and commited yourself to saving the M. Thats all you can really do. Its up to your husband to decide what kind of man hes going to be and take steps in that direction, and up to both of you to help the other rebuild trust. His trust in you regarding the EA and your trust in him due to the abuse. You have made the commitment to make things better but he has to do the same. You know I'm familiar with your story and you know how I feel about abuse and why, but I also do believe that people can change if they want to, but that takes a lot of desire and hard work on his part. Something Tims smoke and mirrors approach isn't going to offer you. Your H needs to see the problems he has within himself and eradicate them on his own. Vangel, I would go back and give your old thread a look, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194021/ and really read it word for word and post for post. When you can look at your H and know that the man that inspired those words is gone and a new man emerged, then you can get started on rebuilding the marriage. TOJAZ
Author tnttim Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 My smoke and mirrors got her back, you're 100% right. But now the real work has begun, for both of us. Why do you doubt me so much? Did I piss you off that bad, that now you hope I fall flat on my face. I guess time will tell if my approach really works, but until then why hope for the worse for me? By the way 2,000 posts in less than a year sounds like you haven't moved on. Go out and have fun, live that life god granted you.
trippi1432 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 My smoke and mirrors got her back, you're 100% right. But now the real work has begun, for both of us. Why do you doubt me so much? Did I piss you off that bad, that now you hope I fall flat on my face. I guess time will tell if my approach really works, but until then why hope for the worse for me? By the way 2,000 posts in less than a year sounds like you haven't moved on. Go out and have fun, live that life god granted you. Tim, I think that you are much too defensive in your technique and a lot of people here have been telling you that what might work for you may not work for others. In my case, I do not want my ex back....I KNOW that I deserve better. Not to put you down, but if you have to resort to trickery to get your wife back, does that make you a happy man or does that make you a controlling person. In my opinion, you only care about your happiness and not really about hers at all. There are many people here, many have huge post counts, not from not being able to move on, but from trying to help others. Evidently, you like to engage people in controversy by only looking at post counts. TOJAZ, Gunny, FL98, FloridaPad, HopesandDreams, LisaUK and many more (sorry if I left anyone out) all come here as a part of their moving on, getting advice, listening to other's and offering support. They don't come here to use controversy and disrespect as a way to hurt others....many are hurting enough. It's not your responsibility to shove what works for you down other people's throats....it's your approach here that is all wrong and is what is being taken as insulting. While you have it all figured out, your word is not the gospel, but you could mislead others that are desperate down a wrong path. If you have one ounce of decency (??), you will lighten your approach and just tell people what worked for you, not try to sell them on it will work for anyone.
LisaUk Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Tim, you will notice perhaps, that I have defended you many times before, just yesterday even, on your other thread. I know you feel angry given that you are perhaps trying to help and are just defending your position b/c the Homer method has worked for you. BUT, I would ask you to remember that there are many, many hurting people on here, who have not had your good fortune. You curse Tojaz out b/c he has a lot of posts? Why, b/c you are so wise with your 300 or so? I do hope your recon works out for you, truely and I think you have info and advice that can help SOME people, but unless you have an open and willing spouse? You cannot FORCE someone to reconcile and if there really was a way that works for everyone you would not be here, b/c you would be a millionaire. Aside from that, Tojaz has helped me and I am sure many others on LS more than you could ever know, in fact if wasn't for him talking privately with me for serveral hours some months ago, I may well have thrown myself of a cliff! And, NO, I am not kidding, check my back thread. Tojaz post number is not a reflection of whether he has moved on or not, that is irrelevant, he has a high post count b/c he helps so many people on their threads. Please try and remember that others on here are hurting and whilst everyones help is greatly needed, it should be given in a way that is respectful to others.
Author tnttim Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 Please try and remember that others on here are hurting and whilst everyones help is greatly needed, it should be given in a way that is respectful to others. I only respect those that respect me. I realized weeks ago that I was attacking people's method's, so I stopped. I don't see very many people doing that for me. Again, isn't my method the same as all of yours. NC, move on, leave spouse alone, have fun, read some books, focus on yourself. The difference is my approach right?
wuggle Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 The difference is my approach right? No, not really, it's more your attitude. As LisaUK has said, there are many people on this site who have had a tough time. I think what many people on here are trying to say is that it's fine to give advice, some will be taken, some not, sometimes it will help, sometimes not. What works for you will not work for everyone else. We are all happy that you appear to be reconciling and that things are going well. Your advice is welcome, but please, do it with a little humility, that's all. I don't think most people here would have a problem with you if you just stop seeming so smug. There have been, and still are, many people with a LOT of experience both good and bad on this site (where did you go Owl ?) , and YOUR input IS welcome, but stop sounding so smug and assuming you know better than everyone else.
Author tnttim Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 There have been, and still are, many people with a LOT of experience both good and bad on this site (where did you go Owl ?) , and YOUR input IS welcome, but stop sounding so smug and assuming you know better than everyone else. Owl is getting back to me after he reads my posts. I will not change my approach, I think a good punch in the mouth is what some people on here need. That's what worked for me. That's why I made a thread so people can come to me, when I post on their threads I am a lot more sensative to their feelings.
wuggle Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 so people can come to me. Good luck with the smugness thing, hope it works for you ps Remember "No-one likes a smart arse"
Author tnttim Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Good luck with the smugness thing, hope it works for you ps Remember "No-one likes a smart arse" You know the story how the as*hole always gets the girl, while the nice guy goes home alone. Thanks for the compliment, maybe that's why it's working for me. I changed into Mr niceguy and my W walked all over me. I live my own life and support my W now. I don't take her sh*t and yet she's still here, huh sounds like this might work. Remember everyone likes a nice guy, but woman find them boring. I should say too that it works both ways, nice woman are boring too.
tojaz Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Update I'm sleeping on the couch, and my girls woke me up fairly soon after I fell asleep. Wife thought I was out cold, well I wasn't. I went into the room and I saw a myspace message window, couldn't see any details, but I knew it was myspace. She exited out as soon as she heard me, and said why'd you scare me. I ignored her, grabbed my smokes and went into the living room. Now pay attention Homer advocates because this is important. She said "is there anything wrong?" I said "yea..........I'm tired." She said "well he just sent a message from facebook and apologized for talking sh*t about me." I said nothing. She said "are you mad I'm talking to him." I said "I don't care what you do in your personnal life." Yep, Got her back, marriage is secure, true and faithful. Aside from the occasional chat behind your back with OM.(Yeah, thats me being a little passive aggressive, bad on me). My smoke and mirrors got her back, you're 100% right. But now the real work has begun, for both of us. Why do you doubt me so much? Did I piss you off that bad, that now you hope I fall flat on my face. I guess time will tell if my approach really works, but until then why hope for the worse for me? By the way 2,000 posts in less than a year sounds like you haven't moved on. Go out and have fun, live that life god granted you. You didn't piss me off Tim, your about as worrisome to me as a cloudy day. I hope nothing but the best for both you and your wife and wish you all the happiness in the world. I like many others here take issue with your smug egotistical attitude. I've read your thread, and you give some good advice, but it seems to be almost by accident, and certainly not what you spew in these selfserving threads you've taken to starting. If your end goal is getting her home, then yes you are a success story. Most of the folks here measure success by finding their part in the break up, bettering themselves and hopefully their marriage. I don't see that anywhere from you. Many other LSers have pointed this out so I won't bother, but by your standards i have a method that is 100% effective at stopping your spouse from leaving. ... a length of chain and a padlock! Its great that you want to help, but using the same attitude that works to sell a used Buick or some Elvis plates is not appropriate for matters of the heart, and i say what i do about that approach, not as an attack on you but for the poor desperate people looking for REAL advice here that might actually think you have answers. You don't! Neither do I, I give my opinion, my advice, and things I've learned from every scar on my heart in the hope that they don't hurt like I did, and do at times, but I never lay it out like law or a fix all, there is none and it is a disservice to this forum for you to preach it as such. I come and stay on LS not just for myself, but to help others, and those that ask, I take a personal interest in, Members like Ms. Vangel above, be it by PM, Email, and for those that need it or ask for it my phone # I do that because i care about the people I interact with here and measure the amount of help i could provide not by how puffed my ego can be, or how many pats on the back I collect, but by the number of folks who no longer visit LS because they don't need it any more. So if your concerned about my post count, I would read them or better yet, ASK AROUND! TOJAZ I think a good punch in the mouth is what some people on here need. Couldn't agree more! (ok maybe a little peeved )
Recommended Posts