I reconcilled with spouse

[nobmagnet]

Dont know if im alone here but I ignore the posts that are mean.!!!!

 

I find arragance irritating and narrow minded. My way or the highway. I lived with that attitude with lowly and it sucks. I haventposted on this thread before because the title its self annoys me.

 

Its great you are having a second chance but the majority here havent had that chance. I use homers advice I always look amazing when lowly fetches the kids. I am vague and always tell him im off out. ect ect....................does he want me?? No. Im not alone here. Good for you but i feel you smug attitude annoying.

 

Nob x

[tnttim]

I haventposted on this thread before because the title its self annoys me.

why does it annoy you?

[tnttim]

Tim - just be you. Some will like it. Some will not. It doesn't matter. We are all lost here - you included. If you don't post as yourself then there is no point.

Thank you, I'm the one who got me to where I'm at today, all the decisions that I made came from me ultimately. Just like everyone here, i listened to some and discounted many more.

[tnttim]

Steadfast: I appreciate everything. The thing irks me about you is that all you did was attack me back. I apologized for my posts and asked for help, but you had to throw one more punch at me. I don't hold grudges, but please try to understand my point, I did to yours.

[floridapad]

Steadfast: I don't hold grudges, but please try to understand my point, I did to yours.

 

What's your point Tim? Be careful before you respond. Remember your audience. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable.

[floridapad]

Steadfast: I did to yours.

 

one more question. What exactly do you think steadfasts point was? Do you really understand it? Do you really understand HIM?

[tnttim]

one more question. What exactly do you think steadfasts point was? Do you really understand it? Do you really understand HIM?

I'm not here to fight, it may have seemed that way recently. Read my prior posts, I made a mistake, I made amends with the people I disrespected, and I asked for help in improving my posting skills. He quoted the very next post where I stated my strong points and weaknesses, and attacked me back, so were even. As far as I'm concerned the fight is over, I will find my place here. Sorry if I stepped on any feet. Yes I understand his statement, and no I don't understand him because I don't know his story. I will read some posts and get an idea.

[floridapad]

I made a mistake, I made amends with the people I disrespected.

 

Did you really or is that your perception? It takes two to tango my friend.

[floridapad]

Thank you, I'm the one who got me to where I'm at today, all the decisions that I made came from me ultimately. Just like everyone here, i listened to some and discounted many more.

 

Tim, Do you really think you are the only piece of the puzzle regarding your marriage. I'm going to say something that I hope you don't discount. Something that others aren't so lucky to have. Something that regardless of what method they used it wouldn't have mattered. Here it goes.

 

She LOVES YOU. Hug your wife. Kiss her. Enjoy it. She loves YOU.

 

That my friend is not all you. Give her some credit because if you don't .....you will be in a shallow marriage.

[LisaUk]

Hi Tim

 

Just wanted to say that I don't find your posts arrogant at all. All I see is someone who is defending the "means" they have had to use in order to open the chances of reconciliation with their wife. I think the desire to defend comes form the fact you are not quite sure yet if you have reconcilied b/c you caught her talking with OM, totally understandable.

 

I also think you want to help others here by letting them know that there is a way to maybe put the breaks on the D if you are quick enough. MAYBE, b/c it won't work in every case, but I actually find it quite nice to have a differnt perspective and a different alternative presented on here on how to move forward and it is moving forward whether you reconcile or not.

[HeavenOrHell]

I was with my ex 18 years too, we are still compatible, but many people change over time and their needs change so that they no longer want the same things.

 

 

 

18 years together and you're not compatible? Are you serious with this statement, or just confused. I think the latter. Okay if you want him back you have to do what I say, no matter how crazy it sounds. Can you do that?

[dearhunter]

Dear Tnttim, Steadfast, 2.50 a gallon and other members of this thread, I am new to Love Shack, and new to forums in general. I don't know the abbreviations and am still learning how to maneuver around. I have been reading this thread and feel that you guys may have some ideas that might help me in my situation.

 

I am 53, my H is 47. We have been together for 19 years, it is the second marriage for both of us. I have 3 kids with my first husband, my H has 1 with his first wife. We don't have any kids together. We moved to a town 3 years ago for his job, we know no one, and there isn't much to do, it's hours from our families. We have been talking about leaving since the first year we were here. He told me to retire 3 years ago when we moved here and enjoy life and my hobbies, that he likes taking care of me. We planned to be out of here within 2 years and I would again do what I have done for the past 12 years..find us a house, organize the moving, etc. This job didn't turn out to be what he had expected and he has had to travel 3-4 days a week. He's a homebody so he hates it and it has distanced us from each other.

 

I noticed that he was pulling away from me last spring and asked him about it and he said he was going thru some sort of midlife thing. I researched that and it said to give him space, so I did. We haven't been intimate in almost a year..I was waiting for him to figure out his stuff.

 

Two months ago after a long "hunting weekend" I asked him if he was seeing someone else, expecting the same reply as when I have previously asked, and this time he said yes. She had moved to a new town for a new job that day and he had been with her the whole weekend to say goodbye. He had started his affair with her Feb 09. Hurt does't even begin to describe the way I felt. I felt like I was in a tornado swirling around and just trying to understand and get him back. He told me it was over between them and we went to counseling to "work on our marriage". The C told us that he thought we should come individually for awhile to work on stuff before we came as a couple. We have both been doing that since Nov.

 

He kept up his contact with her, texts, phone calls. Then he told me he thought he loved her and didn't know what to do because he loved me too. I spent the next month and 1/2 trying to show him why he should stay with me..I was pathetic. It overwhelmed him to the point where he felt he needed to "have some time to think things thru". So he moved to his mom's just after Xmas. It has been almost 3 weeks.

 

I know he is seeing her, at least I'm almost positive, because when we talked about it before he left and I voiced my opinion that I didn't think it was ok that he have sex with her and spend time with her when we were married, he blurted out that we should just get divorced then. He later said that sometimes he blurts things out and does't mean them.

 

Anyway, since he left, I have been somewhat out of control, emailing, texting, sending him stuff from websites..just making a fool of myself. I finally have calmed down and now am wondering if I should just give up. I read an article from Marriage Builders that talked about coping with an affair and the resentment involved. Here is part of what it said:

 

But there is more to resent than just the number of affairs a husband had in the past. In many cases, an affair is discovered while it's going on, and the unfaithful spouse makes matters worse by choosing to be with the lover and abandoning the spouse and children. That thoughtless act is a huge source of additional resentment for the victimized spouse. He or she not only goes through the pain of discovering the affair, but must also go through the pain of being rejected. The unfaithful spouse often moves away to be with the lover, leaving the spouse all alone to face the terror of abandonment.

Then, if all of that weren't enough, the unfaithful spouse explains that he or she needs time to "sort out" feelings, whatever that means. It actually means that the unfaithful spouse will go to the highest bidder. Whoever makes the unfaithful spouse feel the best, the lover or the spouse, will win the prize of the unfaithful spouse. So he or she spends some time with the lover, and then spends some time with the spouse. Back and forth, trying to "get in touch" with feelings. Can you fathom the resentment that would follow such a horrifying and humiliating experience?

But there's more. After vacillating back and forth a few times, the lover gets sick of it all and tosses the spouse out for good. With nowhere else to go, the unfaithful spouse comes back home. It wasn't his or her choice. It was the lover's choice. How would you feel being chosen because you were the only one left. Resentment doesn't begin to describe the feeling.

I now feel like I'm a fool and that I'm just waiting around for him to make a decision..and feel like I have lost my self respect. It makes me wonder what my friends who know what is going on, think of me. I know you will tell me that doesn't matter, it's what I think of myself..but that's the point..I don't feel very good. It's like being second choice. What is there to think through, really. If he loves me then we should be working things out and he should tell her to go away. I feel like I need to tell him I want a divorce.

 

I did tell him about a month ago that no matter what happens with us, I hate it here and plan to move. I am packing and planning to put the house up for sale in April. He thought that was a good idea. He doesn't want to be here either, but I don't see him quitting his job. I plan to move to where my kids are, ironically enough, it just happens to be where she moved also.

 

Please help,

dearhunter

[tnttim]

I was with my ex 18 years too, we are still compatible, but many people change over time and their needs change so that they no longer want the same things.

Why didn't you fit into his needs anymore? Are you sure he needed you or wanted you? A need and a want are very different.

[HeavenOrHell]

Because I became so wrapped up in the work I was doing from home (animal care) I had NO time for us anymore, no time to even text my friends, he felt neglected and unimportant. It wore away his feelings for me bit by bit as he no longer felt loved and needed. 2 or 3 years ago we went for counselling and I stupidly said I couldn't compromise, (because I was obsessed with the animal care), I did make changes but it was too late.

I also think that he has plenty of good friends now so that I was no longer the only one who loved him, therefore he didn't need me now he has them.

We are still friends, but it's killing me.

He said he will always need me.

Just as a friend now I guess.

He used to want and need me.

I need and want him.

 

 

 

Why didn't you fit into his needs anymore? Are you sure he needed you or wanted you? A need and a want are very different.

[tnttim]

Dear Tnttim, Steadfast, 2.50 a gallon and other members of this thread, I am new to Love Shack, and new to forums in general. I don't know the abbreviations and am still learning how to maneuver around. I have been reading this thread and feel that you guys may have some ideas that might help me in my situation.

 

I am 53, my H is 47. We have been together for 19 years, it is the second marriage for both of us. I have 3 kids with my first husband, my H has 1 with his first wife. We don't have any kids together. We moved to a town 3 years ago for his job, we know no one, and there isn't much to do, it's hours from our families. We have been talking about leaving since the first year we were here. He told me to retire 3 years ago when we moved here and enjoy life and my hobbies, that he likes taking care of me. We planned to be out of here within 2 years and I would again do what I have done for the past 12 years..find us a house, organize the moving, etc. This job didn't turn out to be what he had expected and he has had to travel 3-4 days a week. He's a homebody so he hates it and it has distanced us from each other.

 

I noticed that he was pulling away from me last spring and asked him about it and he said he was going thru some sort of midlife thing. I researched that and it said to give him space, so I did. We haven't been intimate in almost a year..I was waiting for him to figure out his stuff.

 

Two months ago after a long "hunting weekend" I asked him if he was seeing someone else, expecting the same reply as when I have previously asked, and this time he said yes. She had moved to a new town for a new job that day and he had been with her the whole weekend to say goodbye. He had started his affair with her Feb 09. Hurt does't even begin to describe the way I felt. I felt like I was in a tornado swirling around and just trying to understand and get him back. He told me it was over between them and we went to counseling to "work on our marriage". The C told us that he thought we should come individually for awhile to work on stuff before we came as a couple. We have both been doing that since Nov.

 

He kept up his contact with her, texts, phone calls. Then he told me he thought he loved her and didn't know what to do because he loved me too. I spent the next month and 1/2 trying to show him why he should stay with me..I was pathetic. It overwhelmed him to the point where he felt he needed to "have some time to think things thru". So he moved to his mom's just after Xmas. It has been almost 3 weeks.

 

I know he is seeing her, at least I'm almost positive, because when we talked about it before he left and I voiced my opinion that I didn't think it was ok that he have sex with her and spend time with her when we were married, he blurted out that we should just get divorced then. He later said that sometimes he blurts things out and does't mean them.

 

Anyway, since he left, I have been somewhat out of control, emailing, texting, sending him stuff from websites..just making a fool of myself. I finally have calmed down and now am wondering if I should just give up. I read an article from Marriage Builders that talked about coping with an affair and the resentment involved. Here is part of what it said:

 

But there is more to resent than just the number of affairs a husband had in the past. In many cases, an affair is discovered while it's going on, and the unfaithful spouse makes matters worse by choosing to be with the lover and abandoning the spouse and children. That thoughtless act is a huge source of additional resentment for the victimized spouse. He or she not only goes through the pain of discovering the affair, but must also go through the pain of being rejected. The unfaithful spouse often moves away to be with the lover, leaving the spouse all alone to face the terror of abandonment.

Then, if all of that weren't enough, the unfaithful spouse explains that he or she needs time to "sort out" feelings, whatever that means. It actually means that the unfaithful spouse will go to the highest bidder. Whoever makes the unfaithful spouse feel the best, the lover or the spouse, will win the prize of the unfaithful spouse. So he or she spends some time with the lover, and then spends some time with the spouse. Back and forth, trying to "get in touch" with feelings. Can you fathom the resentment that would follow such a horrifying and humiliating experience?

But there's more. After vacillating back and forth a few times, the lover gets sick of it all and tosses the spouse out for good. With nowhere else to go, the unfaithful spouse comes back home. It wasn't his or her choice. It was the lover's choice. How would you feel being chosen because you were the only one left. Resentment doesn't begin to describe the feeling.

I now feel like I'm a fool and that I'm just waiting around for him to make a decision..and feel like I have lost my self respect. It makes me wonder what my friends who know what is going on, think of me. I know you will tell me that doesn't matter, it's what I think of myself..but that's the point..I don't feel very good. It's like being second choice. What is there to think through, really. If he loves me then we should be working things out and he should tell her to go away. I feel like I need to tell him I want a divorce.

 

I did tell him about a month ago that no matter what happens with us, I hate it here and plan to move. I am packing and planning to put the house up for sale in April. He thought that was a good idea. He doesn't want to be here either, but I don't see him quitting his job. I plan to move to where my kids are, ironically enough, it just happens to be where she moved also.

 

Please help,

dearhunter

You should start your own thread. This is someone elses and it will be confusing for anyone. You can copy and paste above into thread. I will help you there no problem.

[hopesndreams]

But there's more. After vacillating back and forth a few times, the lover gets sick of it all and tosses the spouse out for good. With nowhere else to go, the unfaithful spouse comes back home. It wasn't his or her choice. It was the lover's choice. How would you feel being chosen because you were the only one left. Resentment doesn't begin to describe the feeling.

Yep, it all plays out as if from textbook. This is why it is extremely important for the BS to get their act together and make the choice for the WS. When the BS loses self-esteem, self-confidence and in the end, even hate themselves, it is an insurmountable task to find themselves again, but it can be done with much hard work, coming to terms with what took place but it can take years. During that time, life may seem not worth living and the despondency so great, recovery is beyond difficult. A BS needs to take control of their life, put themselves first and beyond everything else, love themselves and respect themselves enough to not put up with their cheating spouse for one minute longer. Only then would the WS might then see what is happening, otherwise, the WS gets the best of both worlds and faces no consequence or suffering.

 

He loves the both of ya? You know that's b*ll****, right? He only loves himself. If he truly loved you, he would not, WOULD NOT, put you through pain and agony.

[hopesndreams]

Yes, Dearhunter, start your own thread. See you there.

[mickeymouse]

My spouse tells me in September that he is no longer feeling it and he is not in love with me. I begged him to stay i made him feel quilty with all the stats i could gathter. We decided we would try however i was the only one trying and he admitted this. After a few weeks I asked him to leave, he left went to his mothers, he was coming to the house to see our little guy devasted and very upset, finally after only three nights we reconilled to try again. Christmas came had a great christmas and everything seemed okay and then again this past saturday he stated that he was not sure. I offered to help him get through this. Tuesday night he came home from work, crying and stating he is not doin well with anything and i tried to get him to talk, he is not sure if he loves me or not and it is killing him to hurt me and he does not want to leave his son. So again I asked him to leave.

 

I love this man more than anything in the whole world, i love our life together, our family, our house, everything. I am trying to be really strong around him and very happy when he picks up our little boy. I packed his bags today and put them in my truck so he can get them when he drops of our little boy and our little guy will not see him do this.

 

Please give some advice, some unbiased avice.

[hopesndreams]

My spouse tells me in September that he is no longer feeling it and he is not in love with me. I begged him to stay i made him feel quilty with all the stats i could gathter. We decided we would try however i was the only one trying and he admitted this. After a few weeks I asked him to leave, he left went to his mothers, he was coming to the house to see our little guy devasted and very upset, finally after only three nights we reconilled to try again. Christmas came had a great christmas and everything seemed okay and then again this past saturday he stated that he was not sure. I offered to help him get through this. Tuesday night he came home from work, crying and stating he is not doin well with anything and i tried to get him to talk, he is not sure if he loves me or not and it is killing him to hurt me and he does not want to leave his son. So again I asked him to leave.

 

I love this man more than anything in the whole world, i love our life together, our family, our house, everything. I am trying to be really strong around him and very happy when he picks up our little boy. I packed his bags today and put them in my truck so he can get them when he drops of our little boy and our little guy will not see him do this.

 

Please give some advice, some unbiased avice.

 

I posted in your thread mickey.

[curiou]

tnttim,

 

I enjoy your posts. People have different styles of interaction. You are full of the Homer Kool-Aid, and it's refreshing to have another perspective.

 

People who read your advice need to criticize it for themselves and be informed consumers of your information. Some will disregard the information with a lot of disdain, and some may embrace it. You keep posting the way you want.

[dearhunter]

Could some of you guys please have a look at my thread called "any ideas would be welcome" and tell me what you think? I have read your posts elsewhere and value your opinions. Thanks in advance. I didn't know how else to contact you.

dearhunter

[tnttim]

tnttim

 

Be careful what you wish for. It might that in your case you did win the battle and perhaps the war, the importatant question is have you won the peace? This will take many years before the results are in.

 

Being quite a few years older, I have seen cases, were the marriage had cracked wide open, and the H was able to win back the WW. Only to realize 20 years later, he should never have fought for her in the first place.

 

Case in point, a friend of many years was devoted to the outdoors life, especially fishing, his wife took the wayward turn, and he did won her back. The second and third kids come along, and he happily raised them with occassional trips to the outdoors, and yes they all became fishermen. The spouse, very much enjoyed the outdoors trips with her family. But now an empty nester, both retired, he is miserably lonely. He firmly believes that God does not take from the days of man the hours he spends fishing. He has the financial means to take trips to Alaska,

Montana for dry fly fishing, but he does it alone. With the kids out of the house she has no interest in getting out of the city. Her thing is to go to Paris, Rome, etc, for the art, the wine and the coffee. Both are fulfilling their life dreams but doing it alone.

 

As he puts it he had a golden opportunity to get out 30 years back, and now totally regrets that he didn't take it. He has this beautiful RV but he drives it alone.

 

He won the battle and the war, and won her back, but in the end he lost the peace

 

Gallon

He should have went to Paris with her, and I bet she would have went fly fishing with him. (ala Homer)

[floridapad]

Tim.

 

No need to post a lame comment just to keep your post alive. You have alot to offer people here. I respect your opinions. If you need attention, just say it. We are all friends here (albeit straight to the point friends :-).

 

How are things going with the W. I truly hope it is well. You seem like a sharp dude with alot of smarts and love to offer to your wife.

 

She seems like she is evolving as well. Pretty cool. Wish My W would get there.

[tnttim]

Okay you caught me, but I really did miss that post, and wanted to respond. Things are still going great with my M. I am a mover and am going to the east coast, and she wants to go. We are leaving tomorrow, and will gone for 5 days. I think this will be a huge test for the both of us. We are still talking but we both leave the past in the past. We had a huge long talk one day and we got the whole A deal off our collective chests. I'm stilling having trouble dealing with the thought of the A though. It's not hampering my life in any way, but it does depress me still. I'm assuming with time these feelings will go away, but not for good, just less hurt I guess. Thanks for busting me out on the keep the post alive trick.

[floridapad]

A's are tough to deal with. One thing my marriage builders coach said to me straight from the beginning. Why are you doing this? Why do you want to make it work? Because I love her I said. She reminded me that many BS's love their spouses but why do YOU want to make it work, she asked again. After about 5 seconds of dead silence, she jumped in and fed me the truth. "to be happy". Thats it pure and simple. The A will keep you down for awhile. It's only natural. It will take alot of time but eventually the memories will fade and the thoughts will become foggy. Keep your eye on the present. I just met someone whose friend was in the same predicament as you and me. They seperated for a year, got back together, and HE never looked back. That couple is happy as a clam today.

 

Yeah I'm rambling, but I wanted to keep your thread alive