I reconcilled with spouse

[dgiirl]

I said it before and I'll say it again. The Homer method works either way, moving on or getting your spouse back. The people that applied the method fully it worked for 100%.

 

You have a 50-50 chance of reconciling with your spouse or moving on. This "plan" offers you 50-50 chance of reconciling with your spouse or moving on. What exactly is a "failure"? What exactly is a "success"?

 

I don't know why you believe the "Homer" method is any more special than the advice we already offer around here and countless other books and websites? Don't grovel for your spouse to come back. Focus on yourself, get into hobbies, develop your own life, a better life than you already had, boost your self esteem and also reflect on your part of problem to the marriage.

 

Of COURSE you are going to feel like crap if all you do is focus on how this person left you. But you need to mourn the death of a marriage. It helps you learn about yourself. It makes you stronger and less dependent on other people. It helps you define who you are and reinforces what you want in life.

 

I think your delivery sucks. You give the impression that if one follows this plan correctly, they will reconcile with their wife because that is what happened to you. You give the impression that you are smarter than everyone else because obviously you applied the plan "correctly". And those that have not reconciled with their spouse obviously did something wrong, and they are failures. However, the plan gives you a 50-50 chance between two possible outcomes. I do not like the fact that you spew off this guy's name like it's gospel, disregarding common sense advice we already give around here. I do not like the fact that you told everyone here that you "left us all in the dust".

[tnttim]

I do not like the fact that you spew off this guy's name like it's gospel, disregarding common sense advice we already give around here. I do not like the fact that you told everyone here that you "left us all in the dust".

I don't understand why people keep attacking me and my methods. You are all entitled to your opinions, and I appreciate the feedback. The left 90% of you in the dust comment was my observation that most LSers wait too long to start facing the facts. They blame the other person and don't own up to the fact that they played a role in the breakdown. Time is very much a factor in a successful recon, and people were blaming the method instead of themselves. I do understand many don't want a recon, they want a full break. Well then don't listen to me because that's not what I wanted, I wanted to save my family at any cost. Why does it seem like only the vets are attacking me here, did I tread on sacred ground.

[tnttim]

What I've learned so far about my posting skills.

1. I come off pushy, and defensive

2. I push to early without getting whole story

3. I p*ss people off

4. I get people's attention

5. I get people fired up

6. I get people to spill the truth eventually

7. I have trouble getting my point across

8. I'm too deep

9. My posts are usually long

10. I make bulleted lists a lot. lol

Help me improve my skills

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you looked in the mirror lately and pointed your finger at the only cause of and solution to your problems.

ME

[Simon Attwood]

I'm thinking that this thread needs a quote from Homer;

 

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

 

Homer Simpson, that is ...

[Steadfast]

tnttim:

 

> What I've learned so far about my posting skills.

 

1. I come off pushy, and defensive (Add arrogant and shallow)

2. I push to early without getting whole story (See above)

3. I p*ss people off (Only because you're misleading, and see above)

4. I get people's attention (You crave people's attention)

5. I get people fired up (No one more than yourself)

6. I get people to spill the truth eventually (Ignore the truth regularly)

7. I have trouble getting my point across (No trouble making bad ones)

8. I'm too deep (See #1)

9. My posts are usually long (Unnecessarily long)

10. I make bulleted lists a lot. lol (And B.S lists)

Edited January 14, 2010 by Steadfast

[FeelingLonely98]

I do understand many don't want a recon, they want a full break. Well then don't listen to me because that's not what I wanted, I wanted to save my family at any cost.

 

Another arrogant comment. You insinuate LSers didn't want a reconciliation. That what was wanted was a "full break". I am certain that most if not all that come to LS actually DID want to fix their M and R. However after a time there are other factors (betrayal, trust, infidelity, ...) that are too big for the BS to overcome.

[HeavenOrHell]

tnttim, you're one of the lucky ones, most couples probably won't reconcile because people change and their needs change, people become incompatible and want different things.

You can't reconcile if only one of you wants it.

I want to, but my ex doesn't, so I'm banging my head against a brick wall constantly.

[2sunny]

that's not what I wanted, I wanted to save my family at any cost. Why does it seem like only the vets are attacking me here, did I tread on sacred ground.

 

and that is half the problem... at any cost? i wasn't willing to toss out my integrity and self worth to reclaim the marriage (again).

 

at all cost covers a lot of ground... how about that healthy boundary that keeps your self esteem, pride and dignity intact. SHE cheated not you. sometimes while i'm reading the only thing i see wrong is your attitude that you need to fix this, SHE should be making the effort WAAAAAAY more than you. sometimes when you just don't care - that's a very good place to be.

 

once you get to the point that you will be happy EITHER way, married to her or not, is when you will really make progress. i think that is most likely the point of the book.

[tnttim]

Another arrogant comment. You insinuate LSers didn't want a reconciliation. That what was wanted was a "full break". I am certain that most if not all that come to LS actually DID want to fix their M and R. However after a time there are other factors (betrayal, trust, infidelity, ...) that are too big for the BS to overcome.

I meant I will not try to talk anyone out of a full break. sorry came across wrong. I'm trying to fix my posting skills.

[tnttim]

tnttim, you're one of the lucky ones, most couples probably won't reconcile because people change and their needs change, people become incompatible and want different things.

You can't reconcile if only one of you wants it.

I want to, but my ex doesn't, so I'm banging my head against a brick wall constantly.

You don't know if she is completely done with you, she probably doesn't know either. My W showed no signs of wanting to get back together. She was happy w/ OM. Not until I used the homer technique did she do a 180.

[tnttim]

tnttim, you're one of the lucky ones, most couples probably won't reconcile because people change and their needs change, people become incompatible and want different things.

You can't reconcile if only one of you wants it.

I want to, but my ex doesn't, so I'm banging my head against a brick wall constantly.

Do you want her back?

[tnttim]

and that is half the problem... at any cost? i wasn't willing to toss out my integrity and self worth to reclaim the marriage (again).

 

at all cost covers a lot of ground... how about that healthy boundary that keeps your self esteem, pride and dignity intact. SHE cheated not you. sometimes while i'm reading the only thing i see wrong is your attitude that you need to fix this, SHE should be making the effort WAAAAAAY more than you. sometimes when you just don't care - that's a very good place to be.

 

once you get to the point that you will be happy EITHER way, married to her or not, is when you will really make progress. i think that is most likely the point of the book.

At any cost meant I was willing to look past her A because I was an alcoholic, mentally abusive a*shole. I refused to change myself until she left me. I am a much better person now, and I'm happy being free of drinking everyday. I do have boundries, if she cheats again I am gone, plain and simple. I do check up on her from time to time, and I'm wondering if that will ever go away.

[tnttim]

tnttim:

 

> What I've learned so far about my posting skills.

 

1. I come off pushy, and defensive (Add arrogant and shallow)

2. I push to early without getting whole story (See above)

3. I p*ss people off (Only because you're misleading, and see above)

4. I get people's attention (You crave people's attention)

5. I get people fired up (No one more than yourself)

6. I get people to spill the truth eventually (Ignore the truth regularly)

7. I have trouble getting my point across (No trouble making bad ones)

8. I'm too deep (See #1)

9. My posts are usually long (Unnecessarily long)

10. I make bulleted lists a lot. lol (And B.S lists)

 

I ask for help and this is what you give me. Thanks Steadfast your right, I am all of the above. But I'm going to keep posting anyway.

[hopesndreams]

I'm thinking that this thread needs a quote from Homer;

 

Homer Simpson, that is ...

 

How about this great quote from Homer,

 

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

 

[2sunny]

At any cost meant I was willing to look past her A because I was an alcoholic, mentally abusive a*shole. I refused to change myself until she left me. I am a much better person now, and I'm happy being free of drinking everyday. I do have boundries, if she cheats again I am gone, plain and simple. I do check up on her from time to time, and I'm wondering if that will ever go away.

 

do you go to AA Tim? it does help to learn how to be happy without the drink.

[tnttim]

do you go to AA Tim? it does help to learn how to be happy without the drink.

I'm not struggling with that at all, thank god. I think I have misrepresented myself on here. I read some of my posts and I am attacking other people's methods. In my head I'm telling all of you to wake up, and you guys are telling me the same. It's common as we all move on, and get better. We want to help someone who is suffering like we did, and for me a good slap in the face worked. I read the 180 post and Homer's book and said ahha, Do the opposite of what you think you should do. I know now I can;t force that ahha moment on anyone.

[floridapad]

I'm not struggling with that at all, thank god. I think I have misrepresented myself on here. I read some of my posts and I am attacking other people's methods. In my head I'm telling all of you to wake up, and you guys are telling me the same. It's common as we all move on, and get better. We want to help someone who is suffering like we did, and for me a good slap in the face worked. I read the 180 post and Homer's book and said ahha, Do the opposite of what you think you should do. I know now I can;t force that ahha moment on anyone.

 

Tim,

 

First let me say, f**ing great job on the alcohol thing. Not easy!!! Second.....you are awakened...That means something different to each person. You have pissed alot of people off with your "arrogant" demeanor. You say you are humble (and I believe you ) but you come across as arrogant. Last time I checked an arrogant/humble person is a bit of an oxymoron. Are you arrogant?? I prefer to think of it as pride. You have alot to be proud of ......and I'm not talking about reconciliation with the wife.....I'm talking about reconciliaition with the self.

 

Tim, You have a lot to offer people here on LS, but don't discount other peoples feelings or advice.

 

Getting the spouse back is half the battle. Restoring true love is the second half....

 

Now...to respond to Steadfasts post. He has helped me greatly in his own way and I will be for ever grateful to him. Actually each person here on LS has something to offer. There is no one size fits all. I hope you see that.

 

Lastly, You are who you are. Each person has a different style in delivering their message. Don't want to take that away from you. Each veteran has a different perspective we can all learn from, Tojaz, Gunny, Steadfatst, 2sunny, Sumdude,2,50, LisaUK, FL 98, Chrome, Hopesndreams etc etc (sorry if I missed some). One person is blunt, one person is compassionate, one person throws a bit of humor in. Each person is different, but the one thing they ALL have in common....They aren't arrogant.

 

Arrogance is not bread from confidence......It is bread from insecurity.

 

God Bless and keep the pride alive....Just bury the arrogance.

[tnttim]

Floridapad, thank you for the accolades. I have seen the error of my ways, and am trying not to come off arrogant. I'll find my place among those vets you mentioned, I just have to find my place in the puzzle. My desire to help is overshadowing my current skills, I will catch up though. Yes it is possible to be arrogant and humble, look at me. I'm just trying to find the common ground between the 2. I did discount a lot of people's views and I apologize, I have to find a better way to disagree without attacking. I would like to be able to post like Gunny, you get what he's saying. he's direct, and he comes off as confident, not condescending.

Edited January 15, 2010 by tnttim

[floridapad]

Tim....Here is the Websters dictionary of arrogance vs confidence. Which one is you? Which one would you "prefer" to be.

 

 

Arrogance

an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.

 

Confidence

 

firm belief; trust; reliance

the fact of being or feeling certain; assurance

belief in one's own abilities; self-confidence

a relationship as confidant take me into your confidence

the belief that another will keep a secret; assurance of secrecy told in strict confidence

something told as a secret

[tnttim]

Confident, my last sentence says it, confident not condescending.

[floridapad]

Sorry Tim I missed your last comment on the last post about Gunny.

 

To go back to the humble vs arrogance thing. Gunny has been humbled (sorry if I'm speaking for you Gunny.. Cutt in if I'm wrong). He has "lost" something that at the time was precious to him. He has been humbled and grown from that but is still learning to better himself......as we all are. Want to be humble?? Think about that loss and don't forget it. Think about when you first knew your W was cheating. What did that feel like? That's what every person on here is dealing with.

 

Stop "trying" to be like Gunny. Can't do it. In fact you can't be like any of the vets. You know what???? That's a good thing.

 

You are who you are. You learn to improve yourself and grow.( as you have through the alcohol thing....I still say great F*cking job :-)).

 

Peace

[tnttim]

Your right I think it would healthy to re-visit the old me before I post to help. All I have to do is read my earlier posts and I'm there mentally. This is the help I was asking for thank you, you can catch more bees with honey. No I'm not trying to be Gunny, his posts always get my attention, I'd like to be able to grab someone's attention like that, and me being unique is what will get that attention, not copying gunny.

Edited January 15, 2010 by tnttim

[floridapad]

you can catch more bees with honey.

 

Yes you can...

[Steadfast]

Tim,

 

I stepped on you and I stepped hard. I had to because you were gambling with somebody else's chips. Behind each screen and the words on them are hurting people; real people. Vulnerable people. No doubt the best at giving advice here take the time to think before they post; carefully considering their response. No 'method' is 100%. The only thing that's 100% is the truth. The truth. That's what me and everyone logging on here is seeking. Truth and clarity. Sometimes we give it, sometimes we take.

 

Some hit, some don't. No perfect people mean no perfect answers.

 

The truth is, your wife is willing to work on your marriage because she loves you and her desire to be with you is stronger than her desire not to be. If she's doing this for any other reason (fear, guilt, etc) then it won't last. No question the life lessons taught in Homer's book helped the process along, and it's a great thing that you recognize your faults and are willing to correct them. Like someone said earlier, your success in this is rare and wonderful, but it isn't because of a technique, it's the two of you.

 

That's always it and the way it should be. I didn't win Tim. I survived.

 

My first post was a crystal vase that Chrome took a baseball bat to. I hated it, but if I met that guy now I'd hug him. There's always room for caring people tnttim. Smart and experienced posters can help the hurting.

 

Take care. My flame torch is doused and put away-

[JaneDoe35]

Tim - just be you. Some will like it. Some will not. It doesn't matter. We are all lost here - you included. If you don't post as yourself then there is no point.