I reconcilled with spouse

[tnttim]

tnttim. just got served today. wondering how i use the homer method to tell her that i care, but pull away. I have the book, but my brain is useless right now. might as well ask advice from someone who been there, done that

A divorce is not the end of your relationship with her, her dating someone else is not an end either. It's literally a piece of paper, like telling someone "don't get angry when I call you a worthless b*tch." A piece of paper or a vow doesn't dictate feelings, emotions rule us when we let them. You can get her back at any point in her life as long as you are both breathing. Not by being there, or stalking her either, the exact opposite.

You go on with your life like you want the divorce. You go out and date other woman immediately, have fun, exercise, enjoy your job, you live your life. She'll see how easy it is for you, how you where solid like a rock in court. She'll think she made a big f*cking mistake. Even if it eats you up inside and you go home and cry like a baby, be a man in front of her. Show her you have the strength, courage and knowledge to be better off without her. Enjoy all the extra time you'll have without her bothering you with petty drama. She has to deal with problems on her own now, so wait till the "I need help" call. When it happens, tell hear you are too busy too help, don't be negative or sorry, be firm not stern. It's her problem to work out now, she chose to leave, she has to deal with it. I can't stress how much getting out of the house is right now is. Just do it, and have fun. Also start self talk, I know it sounds weird, but it works. How do you self talk now, I bet you say, "this sucks, I need her, I miss her, I'm useless without her, my life is scary, I lost my wife, she'd never coming back." Sound familiar? How's your mood after all of this negative self talk? Are you getting that ahha moment yet? Start self talking positve, even if you have to write it down. I would put reminders in my phone, 12:00 "MY new life is full of so much freedom, I'm going to do something different today, let's see......" I would read that reminder and finish my statement, and usually go do what I said. Start small, "I'm going to walk to work today, I'm going to skip coffee this morning, I'm gonna have breakfast for dinner,I'm going to buy some new clothes." Do something different:

insanity means doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. 1+1 always equals 2, so why do keep trying to make 3. You probably feel insane right now, well maybe it's time to try something different.

[tnttim]

Don't be too cocksure tnttm that this homer method has worked. Time will tell of course.

Your 100% right it may not work. Your missing the application of this method. You use it when they pull away only. Do you guys really think I push a divorce while I'm having fun with my W? Do you think I still use NC on her?

The homer method I use still, and always will:

1. I have very few needs, the rest are wants, and I can live without a want.

2. She's being negative, I agree with her negative thoughts, I don't try to change how she feels, I acknowledge I too feel that way sometimes.

3. I'm not always available to help her solve her problems. Gives her self worth when she solves them unassisted.

4. I don't express every little feeling I have, I try to be strong and overcome them internally. So when it really matters she'll be more apt to help me.

5. Other woman would step over their dead grandmas to get me, but she knows who is my 1 and only. Makes her feel special because she in winning the competition for my love. I feel the same way about my wife, I feel like I'm better than everyone else because she's mine. I remember 2nd place and it sucked, never go back there again.

[tnttim]

My perspective is it does have a chance when the spouse (I'm speaking strictly about married people) is still emotionally engaged because the methodology functions at that level. In situations like my own, where my spouse was generally emotionally unavailable and disengaged, she'd just laugh at such things (and has). If the spouse truly could care less, IMO, it's wasted effort. If there is some care, even a small amount, it's possible. Hope it works out for those who try

I'm going to recite a song lyric that will always ring true when you truly live your life to it's fullest, and are positive about the future. Three days grace sings it, called "never too late"

Even if I say it'll be alright

Still I hear you say you want to end your life

Now and again we try to just stay alive

Maybe we'll turn it around 'cause it's not too late

It's never too late:cool:

 

[carhill]

At some point, in some relationships, 'never too late' becomes unhealthy. Until that point, the effort and emotion is healthy and productive. We have a young doctor here who's married 1 1/2 years and has been with his wife for about five years. She just filed for divorce. Go give him a hand

[mikeymad]

cahill, i've been here, and i'm still talking to tnttim. He's on it

[carhill]

Like with MC, earlier is always better, IMO. These things tend to snowball. Hope it works out for you. It'll save a ton of lawyer's fees.

[LisaUk]

18 years together and you're not compatible? Are you serious with this statement, or just confused. I think the latter. Okay if you want him back you have to do what I say, no matter how crazy it sounds. Can you do that?

 

He said that, his reason for leaving is that he did not think we were compatible! So now you see what I am dealing with and why I do not think it would be posiible to reconcile, but yes if you think you could give me advice that would make that possible I will try it. I'm listening.....

[tnttim]

He said that, his reason for leaving is that he did not think we were compatible! So now you see what I am dealing with and why I do not think it would be posiible to reconcile, but yes if you think you could give me advice that would make that possible I will try it. I'm listening.....

 

My advice either way would be to move on with your life. What I did in my situation was trying to do things that helped both causes:

cause 1-Divorce my wife

cause 2-Reconcile with wife

Going out with my friends and talking to new people while I was out, helped both causes. No drinking at home, and being a better father, helped. Spreading myself as thin as possible, really helped. Meaning that I did a bunch of different things, stuff I used to do and the new things I started doing after separation. I opened a facebook page and filled it with as many friends as I could, then I would just be myself. I got plenty of requests to go out and remember old times w/ them, it was a lot of fun.

So in your case you should do the same. Live your life like he can see you all the time. Just imagine everything you do will eventually get back to him. So live your life to the fullest, have fun, date other people, meet new friends, and improve your career. Just imagine the look on his face when he sees you enjoying yourself without him. Imagine his face when he finds out you went out an a date. I can, a deer in headlights......

[LisaUk]

My advice either way would be to move on with your life. What I did in my situation was trying to do things that helped both causes:

cause 1-Divorce my wife

cause 2-Reconcile with wife

Going out with my friends and talking to new people while I was out, helped both causes. No drinking at home, and being a better father, helped. Spreading myself as thin as possible, really helped. Meaning that I did a bunch of different things, stuff I used to do and the new things I started doing after separation. I opened a facebook page and filled it with as many friends as I could, then I would just be myself. I got plenty of requests to go out and remember old times w/ them, it was a lot of fun.

So in your case you should do the same. Live your life like he can see you all the time. Just imagine everything you do will eventually get back to him. So live your life to the fullest, have fun, date other people, meet new friends, and improve your career. Just imagine the look on his face when he sees you enjoying yourself without him. Imagine his face when he finds out you went out an a date. I can, a deer in headlights......

 

Hi, thanks for your reply. Thing is, I do believe that the method you have used has worked in your situation b/c your wife can see it all happening, but my ex will not see all this. In fact he isn't seeing all this, since he left I have-

gone back to school to do postgraduate law

made lots of new friends at school

go out reguarly bar hopping and to nightclubs staying out till 4am

been chatted up and propostioned by 21/22 year olds

done work experinece with a first class local law firm

attended a various socail functions with the law society

attended meetings with a local judge and attended court

learning to drive, taking my test soon hopefully

 

So I am already living my life and moving on, he is not seeing it though, so I don't see how your method could work in my situation? I know you say open a facebook page, well then what? He would never look for me on there, he knows I hate FB. Even his family have not contacted me since he left me.

 

Besides, you say he would be like a deer in the headlights? He really doesn't care, he said after he left "you'll find someone else and you won't make the same mistakes with them".

 

He honestly treats me like I did something terrible to him, he didn't even send a Christmas card. He won't even forward my mail. He literally CUT me out of his life as if I never existed, he even told me he does not miss me EVER. For all intents and purposes he thinks of me as dead.

Edited January 10, 2010 by LisaUk

[carhill]

For all intents and purposes he thinks of me as dead.

 

That's what I meant by emotional disengagement. If my stbx died tomorrow, I'd feel some sadness for her family who lost a sister, aunt or daughter. That's it.

 

One needs to have some emotional engagement for this reconciliation technique to work. Even our psychologist, after over a year of work, said 'We've done the work. Time to make a decision'. In our case, the basis for the love and bond was no longer there, so irrecoverable. In other people's cases, that may not be true. One never knows until they try.

[LisaUk]

That's what I meant by emotional disengagement. If my stbx died tomorrow, I'd feel some sadness for her family who lost a sister, aunt or daughter. That's it.

 

One needs to have some emotional engagement for this reconciliation technique to work. Even our psychologist, after over a year of work, said 'We've done the work. Time to make a decision'. In our case, the basis for the love and bond was no longer there, so irrecoverable. In other people's cases, that may not be true. One never knows until they try.

 

Gee, thanks for cheering me up Carhill! LOL

 

Not sure he has emotionally disconnected, there has been various conflictory words and behaviour, including him crying on the phone and saying he isn't as certain in his decision (that was months ago though), I have no way of knowing if he misses me due to the NC, for all I know he could still, what I wrote about him treating me as dead is my take on how he makes me feel, not his feelings, I can't know them only he can.

[Steadfast]

I'm a little confused by this thread. Not the overall subject matter or how NC, getting on and all that works, but why? No matter how much you love or miss someone, you really have to ask yourself if you really want them back. I agree it's better to stay married and save the marriage if possible, but this thread seems very 'gamish' to me in an unabashed way and that doesn't fit with the advice and direction that's usually given here on LS.

 

Play the game. Make him/her wonder. Really?

 

Well, it does work. It really does. Even in my failed relationship and my ex-wife is the absolute epitome of prideful stubbornness. Only however, I must say from my experience, to a point. My ex and I were married 16-years and that's a lot of history. Too much, in our case to overcome.

 

Even now, some two-years after with her (supposedly, I can't say for sure) being in and out of relationships and me dating, having a couple of girlfriends and generally getting on with it. Just like the advice states. In her case, there seems to be lots of time between 'epiphanies'; we get to the point where we're almost strangers and she'll reach out by texting, calling or coming by. "I wanted to visit the kids" she'll say, but spends the whole time asking me what I've been doing, how's work, small talk.

 

This is where I've made mistakes in the past, but not anymore. And, I must say, I went slow. Didn't talk about us, just some no pressure time. When it seemed she had me where she 'wanted' me (true or not, and whatever that might be) she would start to back off again. The last time or two when she began to reach out I didn't respond, and she has 'bounced' repeatedly. What's going on in her mind? What does she expect to happen? I have no idea, but I do know that if she -if anyone- wanted to return or reconcile, they would. They'd make it clear. Afraid of rejection?

 

Maybe, maybe not. See, it takes two, and if it's that hard to do, then why bother? One has the choice of selling out and swinging the door open, or stepping back and continuing on the path established after the split. I know she's capable of it; she had absolutely no problem expressing herself or her desire to be with me when we were dating, so why now? The answer to that I suspect, is she still wants to keep her options open. As for me, I'll take option #2 because I'm not interested in being in an unhealthy relationship. No matter how much I once loved her.

 

It all just seems like a game, and love should not be a game. It should be love. The good and the bad. NC and the 180 should be for regaining a healthy heart and mind after betrayal or abandonment, not for angling.

[tnttim]

Gee, thanks for cheering me up Carhill! LOL

 

Not sure he has emotionally disconnected, there has been various conflictory words and behaviour, including him crying on the phone and saying he isn't as certain in his decision (that was months ago though), I have no way of knowing if he misses me due to the NC, for all I know he could still, what I wrote about him treating me as dead is my take on how he makes me feel, not his feelings, I can't know them only he can.

You won't know if the myspace thing will work until you try it. It is such a great in too. He'll wonder, why is she on myspace when she said she hates it. This will get him wondering, and I'll bet he looks at your page outta curiousity. But you won't know til you try. There is no other way I can think while using NC. If his family comtacts you, just say your doing great and having fun, show no interest in his life, they may be fishing for him. When someone leaves it's a lot easier to come back to a wanting person, that's what he's trying to do, keep you on deck. I think my wife is doing the same thing to the OM.

[carhill]

Gee, thanks for cheering me up Carhill! LOL

I can tell you with complete certainty that, once I made the decision, I executed it, completely and unequivocally. If your H's words and actions aren't matching, getting to the bottom of that with the techniques being discussed may help with resolution.

 

I will share that another benefit (or perhaps waste product, depending on how one looks at it) of MC was being able to visualize and shut off inappropriate emotions, such as those which embroiled me in my EA a few years ago. Those emotions, dating back to when I was a young man, were very entrenched and ultimately unhealthy. Resolving them has been a freeing journey. Of course, resolving them meant there was no longer any love for the person they pertained to, so that bond died as well. So, in some ways, counseling can be a double-edged sword. I saw it as a great lens cleaner, allowing clear vision of the interpersonal psychological dynamics and their health. Sometimes that joins and bonds; sometimes it separates and divides and ends.

 

Even as I have moments of re-living those decisions, I believe they were and are the healthiest that could be made at the time and I stand by them. Whatever awaits you and your H is uniquely yours. Hope it brings you health

[Gypsy_Soul]

So I am already living my life and moving on, he is not seeing it though, so I don't see how your method could work in my situation? I know you say open a facebook page, well then what? He would never look for me on there, he knows I hate FB. Even his family have not contacted me since he left me.

 

Besides, you say he would be like a deer in the headlights? He really doesn't care, he said after he left "you'll find someone else and you won't make the same mistakes with them".

 

He honestly treats me like I did something terrible to him, he didn't even send a Christmas card. He won't even forward my mail. He literally CUT me out of his life as if I never existed, he even told me he does not miss me EVER. For all intents and purposes he thinks of me as dead.

Either way lisa, open up the FB and if he does happen to see you on there, the more of a shock it will be to him because he knows how much you hate FB. Do the opposite of what is expected.

[tnttim]

Either way lisa, open up the FB and if he does happen to see you on there, the more of a shock it will be to him because he knows how much you hate FB. Do the opposite of what is expected.

thank you my point exactly. Only logical way for him to see you with NC in place.

[carhill]

BTW, Lisa, I agree with trying a bit of social networking, like FB. Try something different. I don't use FB (that's strictly my stbx's domain and I respect that) but I have a lot of fun blogging on MS and putting up videos of my travels and travails and staying in touch with friends we've made over the years while traveling. For you it could serve two purposes: one, doing the unexpected, which is part of this technique and, two, opening yourself up to new friendships and social interactions. I don't see a downside, TBH, unless you're a celebrity or political figure or something like that...

[tnttim]

Steadfast she was treating you as the fall back guy, I think W has OM on that hook too. She wanted to make sure you were still on board for a recon if things continue to not work out for her. I read a study that 90% of woman that leave a marriage are just as sad, or dissappointed a year later as they were in their marriage. You did the right thing in your case, you lost the connection and moved on as she did.

[LisaUk]

I can tell you with complete certainty that, once I made the decision, I executed it, completely and unequivocally. If your H's words and actions aren't matching, getting to the bottom of that with the techniques being discussed may help with resolution.

 

I will share that another benefit (or perhaps waste product, depending on how one looks at it) of MC was being able to visualize and shut off inappropriate emotions, such as those which embroiled me in my EA a few years ago. Those emotions, dating back to when I was a young man, were very entrenched and ultimately unhealthy. Resolving them has been a freeing journey. Of course, resolving them meant there was no longer any love for the person they pertained to, so that bond died as well. So, in some ways, counseling can be a double-edged sword. I saw it as a great lens cleaner, allowing clear vision of the interpersonal psychological dynamics and their health. Sometimes that joins and bonds; sometimes it separates and divides and ends.

 

Even as I have moments of re-living those decisions, I believe they were and are the healthiest that could be made at the time and I stand by them. Whatever awaits you and your H is uniquely yours. Hope it brings you health

 

Thanks Carhill, his words and actions do not match at all, even his words and words and actions and actions don't match.

 

Either way lisa, open up the FB and if he does happen to see you on there, the more of a shock it will be to him because he knows how much you hate FB. Do the opposite of what is expected.

 

thank you my point exactly. Only logical way for him to see you with NC in place.

 

I agree, it would be a huge shock to see me on there, and what I am doing, I had suffered with agoraphobia whilst I was with him (was getting better before he left), but it would be a huge shock to see I am travelling by public transport 60 miles a day to school, that I have started drinking alcohol again after being tea total for 8 years, all of the things I am doing, and I know it's the only way being NC, BUT why/how will he look at it? Do I just leave it open for the world to see (kind of freaks me out, would want to keep it to friends) and in any case why would he even bother searching for me?

[tnttim]

BUT why/how will he look at it? Do I just leave it open for the world to see (kind of freaks me out, would want to keep it to friends) and in any case why would he even bother searching for me?

You can ask anyone who uses myspace, facebook, or classmates.com, you always look up past relationships or flings. I still do, not because I want to get back with them, I just want to see how their life went after me. Morbid curiousity I guess. As for the world seeing I know facebook allows you to show certain things to certain people.

[carhill]

Tim knows Homer so I'll leave the technique to him but my take is such actions send a message into the world; your actions have power and energy which reach beyond you. You can't define that literally. It is a state of mind. You're talking about it right now and probably don't even realize the message you're sending. Cool stuff. Tim will explain it in practical terms. I'm lousy with that stuff.

[tnttim]

Tim knows Homer so I'll leave the technique to him but my take is such actions send a message into the world; your actions have power and energy which reach beyond you. You can't define that literally. It is a state of mind. You're talking about it right now and probably don't even realize the message you're sending. Cool stuff. Tim will explain it in practical terms. I'm lousy with that stuff.

The inner you reflects the outer you. If you keep thinking it's over, then most likely you will help it be over. It's called a self fulfilling prophecy. When you say I know she wants a divorce over and over again, you will look for signs that support your belief only. You will see the divorce signals she's sending and dismiss the rest as her just acting. If you think about the past in this state you will will remember mostly the bad times, or the good times in a bad light. You change the inside to a positive, then you will emmulate that. I just used this technique today. I used t a technique today called self talk, you think of a time when you where on top of the world, like getting that big promotion. Then you think about every detail of that moment, and try to get that feeling to happen again. Like if you pictured having sex and all of sudden you were turned on, it's that easy with practice.

[Steadfast]

 

The inner you reflects the outer you. If you keep thinking it's over, then most likely you will help it be over. It's called a self fulfilling prophecy. When you say I know she wants a divorce over and over again, you will look for signs that support your belief only...

 

 

Whoa...pretty deep but I get it. I don't agree (in this case) but I understand the principle behind that rationale. It applies to many things.

 

I haven't read Honer's book and don't plan to. I mentioned in another thread the only book I've read was Michelle Langley's 'Woman's Infidelity' series (two e-books) and to be honest, that was enough. After I realized she wasn't clairvoyant and the 'symptoms' of divorce, marital breakups and cheating was more of a social disease than anything else, I didn't feel the need to expand my mind much more. Just common sense since then.

 

And that's where I am still. And while it's true that my mind was spinning, I didn't support my 'want' for a divorce by helping it along with some obsessive mental process. She cheated, then continued to, mixing it up with lies, deception, re-writing our marriage and basically abandoning me and her children. After absorbing that for months on end, I decided that I didn't want that life and filed. Looking back I waited too long, if anything.

 

So I humbly disagree, but only to the point where one might risk over - analyzing the situation, staying in limbo, and endless second guessing.

[floridapad]

Steadfast... You rock!!

 

Enough said

[tnttim]

I mentioned in another thread the only book I've read was Michelle Langley's 'Woman's Infidelity' series (two e-books) and to be honest, that was enough. After I realized she wasn't clairvoyant and the 'symptoms' of divorce, marital breakups and cheating was more of a social disease than anything else, I didn't feel the need to expand my mind much more. Just common sense since then.

Cheating has been going on since we resided in caves. I don't think cheating has gone up, I think catching the cheater has gone up. The information age has increased our awareness and computer and cell phone history has definitely caught up the lazy cheater. Look at the middle east, far from todays standards of information sharing, and how do they deal with cheaters. They set a strict law and religion based system up, a deterant to cheating, I'll call it Sunny's way, and people still cheat. The polar opposite America, we save nothing country, the easy divorce no remorse country, the divorce rate here is over 50%. 7 per 1000 marry, while 4 per 1000 at the same time are getting divorced, thanks King Henry the 8th. We do nothing to try to change that statistic. I'll call it Steadfast's way.

I feel that I lie right in the middle of those two philosphies. Doing nothing gets you nothing, your a void. Trying to be the dictator of a deomcracy leaves you bitter and angry. How did Ghandi get things done, how did Martin Luther King get things done, and how did I get things done. I won the war without having a single battle, outside of my inner battles, I had a plan that showed success and I stuck to it, and I didn't give in to popular belief. I don't mean to call you two out, but I think your ways of handling separations are popular belief on what you should do, and not based on what actually works. So instead of bashing me, why don't you prove me wrong. Show me a case on LS that used your method(s) and succeeded?

---------------------------------------------------------

Not to have control over the senses is like sailing in a rudderless ship, bound to break to pieces on coming in contact with the very first rock.

Edited January 12, 2010 by tnttim