I reconcilled with spouse

January 7, 2010

You can read my original thread here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=12177934

I'm here to help so here it is.

You first have to recognize that you played a major role in the breakdown and eventual separation. They did what they did for a reason, and part of it was you. They filled a void that was once there, you used to fill that void. You have to figure that part out on your own, it's different for everyone. Now you have to try to change that aspect of your life, and move on past your prior mistakes. Some dwell on this step for an eternity. Read "stop your divorce" book by Homer Macdonald or the 180 post. The next thing you do is become completely independent of spouse, don't rely on them for anything. You both come up with an agreement on the house, kids, and money, and stick to it no matter what they do. You pick a day where you can go out, no questions asked, the kids are her responsibility, and you let her have a day too. If your completely seperated, then instead you pick a day every week to go out, I suggest Friday. You should be meeting other people while out, both sexes. You should be exercising and eating good meals. You stop saying "I love you, I miss you, or I need you." Your learn to listen and actually pay attention to what they are trying to say, not the words they say but the meaning behind them. No contact means on your end only, if they call you can talk, keep it light and strictly business on your end. Keep relationship talks down, and moving on talks up. You keep interactions under 10 minutes and you end the interaction when you can. Don't answer every single call, when you feel they've had enough, don't answer. You push the divorce whenever they bring it up, you have your prior agreements set in stone by now. You start dating other people, I know it doesn't make sense and seems hurtful but whats worse than seeing the porsche that used to sit in the garage being driven by someone else. When they approach you negatively, you just agree, whatever they say or do, agree, this action works in ways I can't describe, like finding a hidden treasure. You have to try to become the person you used to be, but with the wisdom the present you has. Show your independence by moving and loving your new life. Show them your are a rock and nothing moves you. Show them you are fun to be with, and other people like hanging out with you. Show them you have a whole other exciting life that they are now not apart of. Keep your thoughts on the present day, and try to make it best you can. Imagine what the perfect life would be, and then do 1 thing you would do in your perfect life. Watch as that 1 change blossums into 100's in a short time. Break down big tasks into small manageable ones.

As the relationship improves and reconcilliation talks start, take it slow, then even slower. Take an hour a week to spend time at home together doing a common task, ie watching tv and talking. Keep the conversations light and fun, nothing serious during this hour. If they bring up recon talk just try to agree and give little input about it. Then you can move on to dating and having fun outside of the home. Again start light and easy, like a dinner and a movie. No extravagent dates just yet. Your mindset should be to show them you have self control and want to just have fun. The recon seeds will be sown, you just keep up the program of fun and easy. They will be melting before your eyes, and then one day, without even saying it, you'll be reconcilled. The biggest misconception about a successful recon is that it just happens, it's not planned. I think planned recons have a huge failure rate, the mind wants it but the heart doesn't. You need both for a true success.

Now lets hear the questions

January 7, 2010

I think planned recons have a huge failure rate, the mind wants it but the heart doesn't. You need both for a true success.
Now lets hear the questions

no question, just an agreement to this last comment.

How people get there might be slightly different to the way you guys got there.

but the bottom line - quite literally - is exactly as you've said.

It has to be both - from both.

Or else, you might just as well p1$$ in the wind....

January 7, 2010

What happens when say you have to move 200 miles away and are completely NC at their request, they have no way of finding out what you are doing, who you are seeing how you are?

Oh no wait that's me!

See, I now live 200 miles away, I am getting out, eating, exercising, meeting new people. In face I am back at university doing a post graduate law degree, planning on being a solicitor. I've given presentations, I just got home form my first days wrok experience at an excellent local law firm. I'm going out to bars and chatting to men, eating well ect all of that. But he doesn't know any of this, how could he, he requested NC 7 months ago and I haven't had so much as bitrthday card/Christmas card. Our mutal firends haven't seen hide nor hair of him. How would your plan work in my situation, that's my question to you?

Pleased for you though, wish it was as easy as you make it sound, unfortuanely it isn't, not for everyone, you were lucky your spouse clearly had not made her mind up completely, unfortunately, mine had b/c he is CP and needed to get away and stay away.

January 8, 2010

You stop saying "I love you, I miss you, or I need you." Your learn to listen and actually pay attention to what they are trying to say, not the words they say but the meaning behind them.

Boy if I could bottle that for us men I would be RICH!!!!!

I do have to agree, but for guys that is the hardest thing to do. We are fixers so when we hear our spouse talk to us we hear it as; something needs fixed.

Sometimes there is nothing to be fixed, just listen & that is hard, at least for this guy...

January 8, 2010

Boy if I could bottle that for us men I would be RICH!!!!!

I do have to agree, but for guys that is the hardest thing to do. We are fixers so when we hear our spouse talk to us we hear it as; something needs fixed.

Sometimes there is nothing to be fixed, just listen & that is hard, at least for this guy...

Plus one on that PW, the panic that sets in with trying to fix it often does more damage then the initial breakdown! Looking back, i believe I torpedoed a lot of missed opportunities if i could of just listened.

TOJAZ

January 8, 2010

Is it really as easy as a paint by numbers though? i think the reason so many of us have trouble is that we question the advice, and LOVE to draw outside the lines . But on the other side, that's why there are COACHES to get us through this. They tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Imagine an entire football team doing whatever the heck they wanted on the field. It would be a total disaster. The purpose of a coach is not only to tell you what to do, but to hold you accountable. Ok, everybody in the room choose an accountability partner.

Tnttime, you have posted on my stuff before. I'm about to move into my own place. Do you act happy you are moving out and splitting stuff up? How do you mold the 3 statements that way?

And as with previous threads, don't you think it's unfair to the OP you are dating if you have no intention of it going anywhere, because this is your plan for saving your marriage? Or the wife would take that as you moving on? I'm just wondering if these work for ALL, or just MOST. i.e. If I went up to 10 people and called them an a**hole, I bet I would get a wide range of reactions, from being laughed at to getting slapped...

January 8, 2010

Boy if I could bottle that for us men I would be RICH!!!!!

I do have to agree, but for guys that is the hardest thing to do. We are fixers so when we hear our spouse talk to us we hear it as; something needs fixed.

Sometimes there is nothing to be fixed, just listen & that is hard, at least for this guy...

Well if you haven't noticed, I still come here frequently. Can you guess what my fix it mind now focuses attention on. Like they tell a kid with violent tendencies to go out for the football team. Instead of focusing on fixing my wife's various problems, I instead focus on what she is really trying to tell me. She'll say, "worked sucked tonight, no one came in and I made no money." She's really saying, "I want you to sit in here and comfort me while I vent about work because no one showed up and I couldn't vent to them." Look past the words and find the real problem.

January 8, 2010

Is it really as easy as a paint by numbers though? i think the reason so many of us have trouble is that we question the advice, and LOVE to draw outside the lines . But on the other side, that's why there are COACHES to get us through this. They tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Imagine an entire football team doing whatever the heck they wanted on the field. It would be a total disaster. The purpose of a coach is not only to tell you what to do, but to hold you accountable. Ok, everybody in the room choose an accountability partner.

Yes it is paint by numbers, but there is no color chart, you have to decide the colors. You take whats said on here as a reference to what you want to do, then trial and error. If it works keep doing it, if not try something different. Accountability comes down to you, it's your life, make a decision and live with it. Plus we all waiver and have 2nd thoughts it's human nature.

Tnttime, you have posted on my stuff before. I'm about to move into my own place. Do you act happy you are moving out and splitting stuff up? How do you mold the 3 statements that way?

Not jump around happy, or super emotional either. You act like a man who doesn't fear the future, doesn't care about the past and lives for today. You should picture that day down to the finest detail and keep running it through your mind. How you would act, how you would respond to her, and how you can hold it together. The day before picture it going down exactly the way you crafted it in your mind. It will make it a hell of lot easier.

And as with previous threads, don't you think it's unfair to the OP you are dating if you have no intention of it going anywhere, because this is your plan for saving your marriage? Or the wife would take that as you moving on? I'm just wondering if these work for ALL, or just MOST. i.e. If I went up to 10 people and called them an a**hole, I bet I would get a wide range of reactions, from being laughed at to getting slapped...

You tell the OP that you just want to have fun and go have dinner and talk. You tell them nothing about your divorce unless they ask. There's 2 reasons this helps getting your spouse back. One, she see's the other woman as competition. I use this analogy a lot but, wouldn't you be pissed if you saw a man driving your old porsche and having fun doing it, you'd want your porsche back. Two, makes your wife think she has lost the control she once had over you. Don't have to explain that one.

January 8, 2010

What happens when say you have to move 200 miles away and are completely NC at their request, they have no way of finding out what you are doing, who you are seeing how you are?

Facebook and Myspace are both a curse and a gift. Open up pages in these and any other networking sites. Go out and have fun, make new friends and take pictures. Add these photos and funny stories to your page. Try to get as many friends as you can on the sites. Then one day he might get curious and google your name, viola. Then you can come back here and ask for more advice.

January 8, 2010

Went to MC to understand the dynamic and improve communication. Split up amicably. No 'chasing'. I didn't try to 'fix' it. Established firm boundaries. Continued to travel and meet and greet male and female friends. Have a nice personals profile up. Discussing the divorce openly with both her and my friends. Clearing up last of the financials now. Divorce will be final in a few months.

My bf says she 'moved on to her next victim'. OK, that works for me.

Happy to hear you reconciled. Perhaps, if my stbx and I had been truly compatible, we would have as well. Life goes on.

I think your strategy is a worthy one but, as with all things in life, no panacea.

January 8, 2010

Congratulations, it is good to hear about reconciliations as rare as they are. I too read Homer's book and a few others then put those ideas into practice. In my case and most others I've seen on LS in the last few years it didn't work out. However things end up it is the way to either work towards reconciliation or be prepared for life after divorce.

January 8, 2010

you understood the book then, great. It does work either way. Reconciliations are all about timing as well. Sometimes it's just too late, but you never know till you try.

January 8, 2010

I think this technique could backfire... I have a feeling if my husband did what is suggested in this thread, it would simply cement my belief that he really didn't care deeply for me. I'd feel... wow, he's taking it so well, I guess moving on really IS the right thing...

January 8, 2010

this is what i was getting to...that maybe doing the Homer method will accelerate or damage the relationship further. What he says makes sense, but what matters is that it makes sense to the person you are applying it to. With the record that stands on LS with people using this, it doesn't look very good. Then again it may be improper application, but if they almost guarentee success, you'd think we'd see more of that around these here parts.

January 8, 2010

I think this technique could backfire... I have a feeling if my husband did what is suggested in this thread, it would simply cement my belief that he really didn't care deeply for me. I'd feel... wow, he's taking it so well, I guess moving on really IS the right thing...

Okay, I can see that, but what if your husband grieved and tried getting back together for say a year. Then he started to do what has been suggested. Would you still feel that he really didn't care deeply for you? Is it a matter of how long to wait and try to get back the other person that makes the difference?

January 8, 2010

you understood the book then, great. It does work either way. Reconciliations are all about timing as well. Sometimes it's just too late, but you never know till you try.

Seems that in most cases, particularly when the woman iis wanting the divorce. Once there's a new relationship and she moves out it's pretty much over. She's been thinking about it for at least six months before anything obvious happens. Holding her cards close to her chest and planning quietly. By then the men are blindsided because the stbx wife already gave up on communicating. The man takes the reduction of complaints as 'everything must be ok'. Let's face it women are masters of non verbal communication and most men aren't. So women get frustrated because we just don't get it. Men look back in hindsight and go "WTF!?? smoke signals?!?"

This is a very common pattern. Even those who do reconcile and move back in together find out a year or so later that it's just not working. Long term reconciliations are quite rare once someone moves out.

Those who manage it.. consider yourselves lucky.

Edited January 8, 2010 by sumdude

January 8, 2010

My H has been emotionally shut off for most of our marriage. This "Homer" method would seem to just intensify his behavior toward the negative. We are entering into MC next week, but if he pulled this Homer stuff, I wouldn't go -- I would assume there would be no reason.

What I am looking for from him is the OPPOSITE of what this method suggests. I want for him to do a 180 in his intensity, passion and connection to me. I want him to demonstrate his love for me.

... so I agree... this method might work, but it can only be applied in certain situations. In mine, it would most certainly backfire on him.

January 8, 2010

Timing is everything but you won't know til you try

January 8, 2010

Facebook and Myspace are both a curse and a gift. Open up pages in these and any other networking sites. Go out and have fun, make new friends and take pictures. Add these photos and funny stories to your page. Try to get as many friends as you can on the sites. Then one day he might get curious and google your name, viola. Then you can come back here and ask for more advice.

He even went to the lengths of deleting anyone who knows me off his facebook page! Can you believe that? My friends were really insulted and he has such an ego to think I would even care to look at his facebook! COuple that with the fact he knows I think facebook etc are evil and trust me he will NEVER google my name. Any other ideas? I seriously doubt there is anyway for me to reconcile with my ex, but I'm willing to listen if you can come up with a way? By the way he left me after 18 years after we had just booked our wedding, no warning or explantion, just we weren't compatible!

January 8, 2010

Timing is everything but you won't know til you try

Agree 100%.

January 8, 2010

tnttim. just got served today. wondering how i use the homer method to tell her that i care, but pull away. I have the book, but my brain is useless right now. might as well ask advice from someone who been there, done that

January 8, 2010

Don't be too cocksure tnttm that this homer method has worked. Time will tell of course.

January 9, 2010

I think this technique could backfire... I have a feeling if my husband did what is suggested in this thread, it would simply cement my belief that he really didn't care deeply for me. I'd feel... wow, he's taking it so well, I guess moving on really IS the right thing...

People always want what they can't have, thanks for affirming my belief. Please show me a recon that worked where the spouse was under the other persons thumb and I'll change my ways in a second.

January 9, 2010

He even went to the lengths of deleting anyone who knows me off his facebook page! Can you believe that? My friends were really insulted and he has such an ego to think I would even care to look at his facebook! COuple that with the fact he knows I think facebook etc are evil and trust me he will NEVER google my name. Any other ideas? I seriously doubt there is anyway for me to reconcile with my ex, but I'm willing to listen if you can come up with a way? By the way he left me after 18 years after we had just booked our wedding, no warning or explantion, just we weren't compatible!

18 years together and you're not compatible? Are you serious with this statement, or just confused. I think the latter. Okay if you want him back you have to do what I say, no matter how crazy it sounds. Can you do that?

January 9, 2010

Don't be too cocksure tnttm that this homer method has worked. Time will tell of course.

My perspective is it does have a chance when the spouse (I'm speaking strictly about married people) is still emotionally engaged because the methodology functions at that level. In situations like my own, where my spouse was generally emotionally unavailable and disengaged, she'd just laugh at such things (and has). If the spouse truly could care less, IMO, it's wasted effort. If there is some care, even a small amount, it's possible. Hope it works out for those who try

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