Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I'm always struck by how similar so many of our stories are. I, like so many, thought the affair I was in was different. I'm just wondering (Ok, so this isn't hypothetical), how many OW have had the MM come back to them after going back home and been told that they were wrong and they want the OW? Do we all have the to-ing and fro-ing in common too? I was in NC (at his request). He's broken it (again) but this time saying that he knows for sure what he wants (have heard this before) and that he was wrong to let me down. He said he wants to show me that he will 'walk the walk'. At the moment I'm not saying anything. I don't know what I'm thinking though. I think that I'm getting somewhere and I can walk away and then he throws me through a loop again. Do I hold my ground and say 'Come to me when you're single'? Or do I stay in the background supporting him?
greengoddess Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I'm always struck by how similar so many of our stories are. I, like so many, thought the affair I was in was different. I'm just wondering (Ok, so this isn't hypothetical), how many OW have had the MM come back to them after going back home and been told that they were wrong and they want the OW? Do we all have the to-ing and fro-ing in common too? I was in NC (at his request). He's broken it (again) but this time saying that he knows for sure what he wants (have heard this before) and that he was wrong to let me down. He said he wants to show me that he will 'walk the walk'. At the moment I'm not saying anything. I don't know what I'm thinking though. I think that I'm getting somewhere and I can walk away and then he throws me through a loop again. Do I hold my ground and say 'Come to me when you're single'? Or do I stay in the background supporting him? Is he out of the house and seperated from her? Is he willing to see you openly and have you phone anytime? Will he introduce you to friends and show you off to the world? If not he is not walking the walk.
Author Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 But you already know the answer to that. I think I do... but my judgement isn't always the best.
Author Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Is he out of the house and seperated from her? Is he willing to see you openly and have you phone anytime? Will he introduce you to friends and show you off to the world? If not he is not walking the walk. No, GG, and that's why I'm only in the background and that is not longer enough for me. If I'm honest though, those are the things I want.
greengoddess Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 No, GG, and that's why I'm only in the background and that is not longer enough for me. If I'm honest though, those are the things I want. Then you have your answer. Stop talking to him until he is out of the house and can escort you arm and arm anywhere you go.
reboot Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 No, GG, and that's why I'm only in the background and that is not longer enough for me. If I'm honest though, those are the things I want. And if those are the things he also wants, he'll make them happen. If not, you'll be posting this same thread 5 years from now. Unless you refuse to allow that.
jennie-jennie Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 It depends on if you want to enjoy your relationship with him while you are waiting for him to be good and ready to leave his wife or not. My MM wanted NC to work on his marriage - at least 3 months he said. It lasted 6 days before he broke NC. Yet he was still not ready to leave his marriage. He is getting closer to that point though, but there is no guarantee he will ever reach it. I choose to stay with him, because I enjoy our relationship. I want him in my life. What he has to destroy to be able to be with me fulltime, are things that he has spent a lifetime building up. I can understand it is hard to let go. Maybe he will never be able to let go. But I don't think any action of mine will hasten that process.
Author Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Then you have your answer. Stop talking to him until he is out of the house and can escort you arm and arm anywhere you go. Thanks. Yeh, I think that's the way it has to be. I can't help him make his decision (I know that sounds contradictory), I feel like he has to do that on his own. I was just wondering if anyone had been there through it all and how it had affected them.
reboot Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 It depends on if you want to enjoy your relationship with him while you are waiting for him to be good and ready to leave his wife or not. My MM wanted NC to work on his marriage - at least 3 months he said. It lasted 6 days before he broke NC. Yet he was still not ready to leave his marriage. He is getting closer to that point though, but there is no guarantee he will ever reach it. I choose to stay with him, because I enjoy our relationship. I want him in my life. What he has to destroy to be able to be with me fulltime, are things that he has spent a lifetime building up. I can understand it is hard to let go. Maybe he will never be able to let go. But I don't think any action of mine will hasten that process. Not really fair, because you can live with this and even enjoy the relationship. And that's fine, but most people can't. If she could, she wouldn't be posting the threads she's posting.
jennie-jennie Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Not really fair, because you can live with this and even enjoy the relationship. And that's fine, but most people can't. If she could, she wouldn't be posting the threads she's posting. I think she is capable of figuring out herself whether she can live with it or not. She asked for people who have experienced this, so I answered.
Author Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 It depends on if you want to enjoy your relationship with him while you are waiting for him to be good and ready to leave his wife or not. My MM wanted NC to work on his marriage - at least 3 months he said. It lasted 6 days before he broke NC. Yet he was still not ready to leave his marriage. He is getting closer to that point though, but there is no guarantee he will ever reach it. I choose to stay with him, because I enjoy our relationship. I want him in my life. What he has to destroy to be able to be with me fulltime, are things that he has spent a lifetime building up. I can understand it is hard to let go. Maybe he will never be able to let go. But I don't think any action of mine will hasten that process. I agree that these things are hard to let go of, and I understand that it is not done overnight, but the thing is, whilst this situation is weighing down on him, I don't enjoy my time with him. I can't because I have to also think of myself. The situation with us changed about six months in - it wasn't light and casual anymore and we both agreed that we wanted more. I have made my decision and acted on it. I know his is more complicated, but I can't be there whilst he goes back and forth - I can't hurt myself again. I admire your strength JJ, to be there for him when he's going through that and show understanding all the time. For me, it pulls me further apart every time and I couldn't let myself do it again. Do you never feel like that? That you just need to get away from him and his dilemmas for a bit? Thanks for your response. Reboot - you're right, and I don't think I actually could allow it - I couldn't cope with the end again.
2sure Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 When someone has an affair, be it with one person or many... It creates a good feeling. Even if they feel guilty, the guilt or inconvenience is overshadowed by the good feelings they feel both from and for their affair partner(s). Thats a hard thing to give up. No one wants to see themselves or their relationships this way...but giving up something that is hurting your family or yourself is a hard thing when the something may currently be the only warm and fuzzy part of your life. Go to an AA meeting and see how many people fall off the wagon. They would like to not want to drink, they would like to have a life without it...but yet. So, MM /MW come back. That isnt to say they dont ever change their minds and decide the affair is what they want. (However, more than likely they will simply continue to decide nothing and have both - the affair/the guilt and the family/the love.) Like you say - walk the walk. You know you want a partner who can make hard decisions because life is full of them. Give him the opportunity to step to the plate (even when he thinks he cant) by stepping away yourself until he makes a solid move.
jennie-jennie Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I agree that these things are hard to let go of, and I understand that it is not done overnight, but the thing is, whilst this situation is weighing down on him, I don't enjoy my time with him. I can't because I have to also think of myself. The situation with us changed about six months in - it wasn't light and casual anymore and we both agreed that we wanted more. I have made my decision and acted on it. I know his is more complicated, but I can't be there whilst he goes back and forth - I can't hurt myself again. I admire your strength JJ, to be there for him when he's going through that and show understanding all the time. For me, it pulls me further apart every time and I couldn't let myself do it again. Do you never feel like that? That you just need to get away from him and his dilemmas for a bit? Thanks for your response. Reboot - you're right, and I don't think I actually could allow it - I couldn't cope with the end again. It is not all rosey if that is what you mean. We had a mini rollercoaster the other night. But he is the man I am in a relationship with, and his dilemmas and my dilemmas are part of who we are. I had a lot of old baggage with me in which he had to deal with. So it has never been onesided in that sense. When the cons outweigh the pros, you should get out. So if that is where you are at, I understand you, Hazy. In my case the pros still way outweigh the cons. So what do you want? NC or not?
anne1707 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 As a MW who had an affair, the ex-OM and I "ended" the affair countless times but it never lasted. We worked together (and still do:eek:) and we could not avoid contact 100%. We would end up talking and then things would start up again. He started increasing the pressure for me to leave and I could not do it (because I did not want to leave my H). So it ended - and I was relieved. Yet contact was resumed although the affair did not but then it all came to a head when he started seeing someone else. I no longer had my "cake". Before, I knew he was there and I could basically feed my ego but then he wasn't, I panicked and then had D-day. My behaviour was selfish and thoughtless. I wanted it all - but on my terms so I played the situation and manipulated and lied to the ex-Om just as I did with my H. So yes, lots of to-ing and fro-ing but none of it with me really wanting to leave my marriage.
Author Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Like you say - walk the walk. You know you want a partner who can make hard decisions because life is full of them. Give him the opportunity to step to the plate (even when he thinks he cant) by stepping away yourself until he makes a solid move. When the cons outweigh the pros, you should get out. So if that is where you are at, I understand you, Hazy. I understand what both of you are saying. JJ, right now the cons do outweigh the pros - we tried NC, he says he can't do it and is torn completely, but the same way he has been before. I supported him last time and it all fell down when he decided on the M. He may regret that, but even if that's true I feel he has to make the decision and the move on his own, for his own reasons. If he wants me like he claims, he knows what to do, and when the time comes I'll support him if he is with me. I do find it really hard to be here for him whilst he is still there. I like your point "2Sure about giving him the opportunity to step up to the plate. I think he really does doubt himself, but I don't want to have to persuade him to leave. I feel like he has to do it because it's what he wants.
reboot Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 When the cons outweigh the pros, you should get out. Probably the best advice so far.
Got it Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 For me, I was staying in it until our proposed timeline was up and when Dday hit. The good was greatly outweighing the bad and I was giving him the year he needed. We did have a dday and everything hit the fan. I tried to be there but couldn't do it, we broke up, start up again, and I just said if you love me you will let me go. There were too many other areas he needed to focus on and get straightened out. So I said call me when you have moved out. And he did and so we are back together. All in all we were broken up for a couple months. I needed to move on at that point if he was in limbo and not sure what he was doing. I was not going to be his bandaid or a back up and he needed to end that relationship if we were going to progress forward. After dday, the bad greatly outweighed the good until he separated.
jwi71 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 HH, Get real. Seriously...wake up. Same chapter and verse from him...again. As usual. You two have had this talk more than once. And here we are again. As usual. When YOU decide to grow up, develop a spine and stand up for YOU...this ends. How will be obvious to you.
Author Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 HH, Get real. Seriously...wake up. Same chapter and verse from him...again. As usual. You two have had this talk more than once. And here we are again. As usual. When YOU decide to grow up, develop a spine and stand up for YOU...this ends. How will be obvious to you. Did I say I was going running back to him? I posted my thread because I was wondering how others who had been in the situation had dealt with it. I am NOT interested in an affair anymore and he has been told this; this will not change. I love this man but have told him that I cannot go through it anymore; this will not change either. The decision that I was going for was to tell him I'm still staying away whilst he figures out what he wants and deals with it. I don't want to be his other woman anymore... and that is me standing up for myself. If I had turned around and told him to f*** off, I would have felt pretty heartless, and that's not me at all. I appreciate what you're saying and I don't want to be confrontational - you've given me sound advice in past threads over the last few weeks, but this post doesn't really help me, it just patronises me.
Author Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 For me, I was staying in it until our proposed timeline was up and when Dday hit. The good was greatly outweighing the bad and I was giving him the year he needed. We did have a dday and everything hit the fan. I tried to be there but couldn't do it, we broke up, start up again, and I just said if you love me you will let me go. There were too many other areas he needed to focus on and get straightened out. So I said call me when you have moved out. And he did and so we are back together. All in all we were broken up for a couple months. I needed to move on at that point if he was in limbo and not sure what he was doing. I was not going to be his bandaid or a back up and he needed to end that relationship if we were going to progress forward. After dday, the bad greatly outweighed the good until he separated. I feel like that Got It - that I can't do the support anymore whilst the good is outweighing the bad, as JJ said. I have to stand aside not just for me but for him too, whilst he focuses on everything he needs to sort out. If it doesn't happen for us, it doesn't happen. I've come as far as I can as part of an affair. We haven't had a Dday, but I've been through the strain of indecision and him being in limbo too much. I'm happy for you too that you worked things out and are now together
hopeless4u Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I'm always struck by how similar so many of our stories are. I, like so many, thought the affair I was in was different. I'm just wondering (Ok, so this isn't hypothetical), how many OW have had the MM come back to them after going back home and been told that they were wrong and they want the OW? Do we all have the to-ing and fro-ing in common too? I was in NC (at his request). He's broken it (again) but this time saying that he knows for sure what he wants (have heard this before) and that he was wrong to let me down. He said he wants to show me that he will 'walk the walk'. At the moment I'm not saying anything. I don't know what I'm thinking though. I think that I'm getting somewhere and I can walk away and then he throws me through a loop again. Do I hold my ground and say 'Come to me when you're single'? Or do I stay in the background supporting him? Yep HH, we are all in the same boat!! My xMM isn't saying he's made the wrong decision but that he needs to know that his 25yrs M has ended because there is nothing left but he can't get me out of his head. I truly believe he is telling me the truth and I do still love him deeply but as he knows D papers in hand is the only way I would except him back so why would he lie?? I have my guard up BIG TIME and have no intention of letting him suck me back in. I'm out partying at the weekend and for the first time in weeks I can't wait!! I say go out and live your life, tell him that when he has 'walked the walk' then you will talk about how you feel and what you want....if you are still single that is;)
jwi71 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I am NOT interested in an affair anymore and he has been told this; this will not change. I love this man but have told him that I cannot go through it anymore; this will not change either. Here's what I am afraid of: the love for him sucks yo back in. Love is a powerful thing...prolly THE most powerful thing. ITs your love for him that causes me concern...that you slide back to square one. The decision that I was going for was to tell him I'm still staying away whilst he figures out what he wants and deals with it. I don't want to be his other woman anymore... and that is me standing up for myself. If I had turned around and told him to f*** off, I would have felt pretty heartless, and that's not me at all. You're right. I missed that somehow. I guess I didn't read well enough. My bad. I appreciate what you're saying and I don't want to be confrontational - you've given me sound advice in past threads over the last few weeks, but this post doesn't really help me, it just patronises me.Well shyte. You're right again. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be patronizing but reading my post its clear as day isn't it? <sigh> I think I'll come back tomorrow...when I'm not being so stupid. One of those days I guess. And to make it worse...I bet Texas wins tonight just to make this a no good very bad day (I'm an Aggie so anytime Texas loses its great for me - and when the win it svcks) All apologies. JW
Author Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 JW, You're right about the love having the power to suck me back in. That's my concern too. All I can do is maintain strength one day at a time and try to focus on the practical. There's really no need to apologise, like I said, I always value your opinion - you're one of the ones who has stood out to me in the few weeks I've been here (in fact, and I think Ive said this before, I used your words in an email to him the previous week), and, in the nicest possible way, given me the kick in the a*** that I so needed, a couple of times, that's why you kind of surprised me with that post. Really no offense taken - water under the bridge. I wish you luck for your game tonight, I have absolutely no idea who Aggies are as I'm a Brit, but I'll cross my fingers for ya.
Author Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Yep HH, we are all in the same boat!! My xMM isn't saying he's made the wrong decision but that he needs to know that his 25yrs M has ended because there is nothing left but he can't get me out of his head. I truly believe he is telling me the truth and I do still love him deeply but as he knows D papers in hand is the only way I would except him back so why would he lie?? I have my guard up BIG TIME and have no intention of letting him suck me back in. I'm out partying at the weekend and for the first time in weeks I can't wait!! I say go out and live your life, tell him that when he has 'walked the walk' then you will talk about how you feel and what you want....if you are still single that is;) Hey H4U Our ongoing sagas, eh? I'm so glad you're sounding better, and FAR more focused on you, which is fab. I'm trying to do the same; it's not easy when despite how much you try they still have the power to throw you sometimes. I am trying to get that power back though. Have a fab weekend, you. Maybe I'll do the same
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