My story and first post.

[myhearthurtsbadly]

Hi everyone,

 

well i have no idea where to start with this i really dont. i guess with a bit of background. I am 19 years old and met sophie in june last year at work. I had just finished boarding school and was starting a job as a waiter. I met her in the kitchen and she took my breath away.

 

Very quickly we fell in incredible, passionate love. She loved me so insanely much and last year it was her who loved me more than i loved her. We spent every day together, i mean every day for six months. In December last year i made her pregant, we had an abortion that damaged us both an incredible amount. We had already talked about the possibilities of a future together. However i was never there enough emotionally, our parents pressured me to make sure we had an abortion rather than kept the baby. I think she still blames me to this day.

 

Anyway our love remained, we would fight a lot but loved each other so much that it would never matter. We spent a beautiful summer together, went to france and just were so happy to be together. Then this september we went back to university in leeds for our second year and something changed in her. She no longer loved me with the same passion, before it was incomprehensible for us to break up. But she broke up with me, broke my heart. However i knew she never really wanted for us to be over, there was too much love. We got back together and she said she would never hurt me again, she promised.

 

But last week she broke up with me again, told me she no longer was in love with me and wanted me to move on and get over her. I cant begin to tell you the pain taht caused me, i nearly ended my life, i love her and missed her so incredibly much and feel that i cant be without her. I mean it, you all probably think that this was just a young fling, i can swear to you its not. Its the real thing. Anyway, yesterday she phoned me in the morning and was being her again, her old cute self.

 

We went for a coffee and spent a lovely day together. We went into christmas shops and looked at cards. She wanted me to look at babies and to think thats how we were going to be. She told me she loved 8 times and kissed me and held me like she was so sorry for letting me go. We went back to her house and just watched films and cudded.

 

Then she looked at my phone and saw a text from another girl who really is only a friend and went crazy. She slapped me 8 times, through me out, blocked me on facebook and on her phone. She sent me a text saying "i cant believe it after everything, i burnt the book you made me and have gone to birmingham." She lied about birmingham for some reason (she never left her house). Today she has ignored me completely, i went round to her house to try and talk to her and got my mum to ring her.

 

All of a sudden its over again, she doesnt love me and wants me to get over her. I just dont understand, yesterday she was her again, today its completely different and i just dont understand. I havent got with anyone since she broke up with me and just dotn understand how her jealousy can suddenly turn into her actually not loving me, blocking me out of her life completely, emotionally torturing me and thoroughly crushing my already broken heart. How can she do it like this? What is she trying to do?

 

 

The above was what i posted on another forum 3 weeks ago. Please forgive the repeat, i just found this forum particularly good at helping people, especillay with members like taramaiden, caliguy etc.

 

A bit more information, she slept with someone 5 days after she kicked me out, and showed no remorse when she told me and i got upset- she said "i wanted it to happen". We spoke sporadically over the christmas period but she sounds like a completely different person now. Its hard because she goes to my university and lives 2 mins away from home. We spoke 4 days ago and got into a big arguement with her threatening me and blackmailing me that if i see another girl she willd delete every memory of me etc and pretend i never existed. I also found out that she had got with someone 6 months ago when we were 'on a break'. Im very sad because i feel like the sweet loving innocent girl was never the real her.

 

We spent most days and nights together and even though its been a month since ive seen her (remember the day she broke up with me was also the day she talked about babies, future, how much she loved me etc), i miss her so very much. Unfortunately i dont think she cares how i feel at all, you know those people who love someone no matter what, well thats how i loved her. I'm a young good looking guy who has had more than his fair share of attention, yet i can hand on heart say i would have stayed with her forever if she became paralysed or something horrible like that. Does she have any idea what she is throwing away?

 

I feel like all my confidence has been stripped, and i now have a completely different outlook on life, nothing excites me anymore, the mornings are the worst and i cry every night. The feelings of betrayal and pain seem so overwhelming. Yet i still put her on a pedestal and in my mind she is perfect, what to do what to do? Many Thanks

[bberryguy]

I can tell you that I am feeling exactly the same way. Just lost my gf/bf two days ago. The vacuum is nearly unbearable.

 

I have no real advice other than stay around some people that are willing to tolerate your moping (that's what I did yesterday rather than moping at home). Try to stay distracted (I'm trying to immerse in work today - only barely helping). Try to stay busy.

 

Oh, and embrace the grief. Let it flow. Don't be ashamed and don't be ashamed at still wanting her. So many will tell you that you have to move on and its unhealthy to still want her, look what she's done to you. I can see that side of things, but when you're in love, fight it all you want, it just has to run its course.

[nobmagnet]

welcome back and I am sorry its still so awful for you hugs.

 

I am sorry to say but it is time for NC. (no contact) It will be near on impossible because of her locality and sharing the same uni but you must try to avoid her.

 

I cant explain her behaviour but it smacks of guilt because she had flings on your break. To explode at your text (why was she looking in the first place??) also is a reaction of sombody with something to hide. they reverse their behaviour onto the other party.

 

The experiance of an abortion that you went though is probably one of the most traumatic experiences that will ever happen to her or for you. I have freinds that were in similar situations to you both.....Early into nurse training and uni. They decided to have abortions too. Both had no idea how it would impact in their future.

 

please take note she wanted to get back with you in december..........12 months since tha abortion?? It might be a coincidence but its worth thinking about......looking at babies in prams ect??

 

Its an awful thing you went through together. You have my symathys for the mess. The fall out tends to happen. Did you both get councelling after?? Its not too late. Both my freinds have had to have counselling in their 30's. One couldnt have children after and the other feels guilt that she has two beutiful kids.

 

Maybe get your mum to pursuade her to get some help? I would suggest you do too.

 

best of luck lovexxx

 

Nob x

[myhearthurtsbadly]

thankyou very much for your heart felt replies. No we didnt get counselling, i know she is still upset about it but i tried to talk to her about it weeks back and she made out like she didnt care about it. Ironic considering all the times we both said we regretted the decision.

 

I find myself checking her facebook regularly on someone elses account, possibly me trying to confirm whether she had something else lined up and thats why shes is so easily over me.

 

Its strange i feel like i dont want her back, yet a part of me wants to go back and change things. I also miss the sensitivity and intimacy and feel very alone despite the presence of family etc. I think she's one of these people who wont face up to their emotions, hence her cold nature. Its a shame because she's beautiful and our souls touched much of the time we were together. However im starting to think that it may have been constructed in our minds.

 

I dont really want to let go of her, i still can't really imagine her being out of my life forever when we both thought we were it for life. God i wish i knew what was in her head!

[CaliGuy]

She seems a little emotionally unhealthy if you ask me. Slapping you around, burning things, lying, sleeping with other people so fast.

 

Don't you see these things as RED FLAGS?! You both are young and she's very immature emotionally. Ok -- I am being easy on her. She's being a PSYCHO B*TCH! Yes you love her. The problem with being in LOVE is that you see every situation with ROSE COLORED GLASSES.

 

Until you can remove your emotional attachment to her you're not going to see with 20/20 vision as far as how the relationship REALLY was. Sure there were some good times but there were also a lot of issues that in the long run makes you both INCOMPATIBLE.

 

Read the guides in my signature. Personally if I were in your shoes I would consider the breakup a blessing in disguise. The problems you are seeing now are only MAGNIFIED when you get married.

 

They don't go away or somehow become minimized. Marriage simply makes all the of red flags stand even more.

 

Cheers, mate.

[myhearthurtsbadly]

I totally get what you're saying and yes i totally agree on her being a PYSCHO *****, it just annoys me that her or anyone else cant see it. It falls on me to pick up all the pieces and the pain.

 

I think you may be right about us being incompatible, and it almost amuses me to think about any other guy putting up with the emotional baggage and attitude she had. However none of this makes it any easier in the here and now. Caliguy do you believe in soulmates? I believe at a time we were soulmates, each others company was all we would ever need and for a time that was blissful. I guess im struggling to see myself trusting a woman again, but also opening up to love. Im not sure the pain is worth it...

[CaliGuy]

I totally get what you're saying and yes i totally agree on her being a PYSCHO *****, it just annoys me that her or anyone else cant see it. It falls on me to pick up all the pieces and the pain.

 

I think you may be right about us being incompatible, and it almost amuses me to think about any other guy putting up with the emotional baggage and attitude she had. However none of this makes it any easier in the here and now. Caliguy do you believe in soulmates? I believe at a time we were soulmates, each others company was all we would ever need and for a time that was blissful. I guess im struggling to see myself trusting a woman again, but also opening up to love. Im not sure the pain is worth it...

 

No I don't believe in Soul Mates because people change/grow over time and their attitudes and perspective along with it. Sure there are some compatibilities now but that can/will change over time.

 

I think people who have long lasting relationships/marriages are able to do so because they can adjust to changes as they occur. Not just adjust but adapt as well.

 

You need to understand that you are young. YOU are still growing/changing. A girl who might be good for you now may not be good for you later. I personally don't think men are long term relationship material (ie: marriage) until around the age of 30. They need to settle down into the men they are supposed to become. It takes a LONG time for men to mature. Hell, I didn't become a "man" until I hit 35. I was way behind the maturity curve.

 

It's when I hit 35 that I figured myself out. Who I was, what I wanted and where I wanted to be. I became emotionally stable and more balanced. And those traits have been refining themselves over the last 5 years to the point that -- when I meet the right woman, I'm going to knock her freaking socks off.

 

Until you get to that point, have fun and enjoy life. Get your act together. Get your education complete, get entrenched in a career and settle down. In the meantime, DATE and have FUN! You'll know when you meet the right woman, trust me.

[myhearthurtsbadly]

A month after you broke my heart and slept with someone else to ease your pain i have realised what i was to you.

Remember before i met you you were belemic? I still remember you refusing to let me see your legs during sex, you would always cover them up and say "dont look at them". Do you remember how i responded, do you remember me one day gently holding your arms and taking off the covers, looking at your legs and telling you they were beautiful? Do you f****** remember that sophie? Do you remember how for a year and a half how i built up your ego so you felt good about yourself. And what did you do? How did you use my help? What you did was to wait until you felt strong and powerful and attractive again, whilst this was happening i was becoming less attractrive to you because i let you know me and to you that is far less exciting than sleeping with a random boy isnt it? You have no idea the pain you have caused, i wanted to throw myself off a cliff, so strong were the feelings of betrayal. Right now i absolutely despise you, it insults me that i tried to reconcile with you so we could move forward as friends. You are a cheap hoar and to be frank you disgust me, even if you came back begging and apologising i would kick you to the kerb so hard you wouldnt know what hit you. Do you know that i would have loved you forever? Do you know that if you were made paralysed in an accident i would have looked after you everyday for the rest of your life? You are so selfish and manipulative and its so ironic that im the only one who really knows you. Im disgusted that you were my first love, i wasted it, something i can never take back, i hate you for that. You robbed me of something so incredibly personal and theres no way in the world i can have it back.

 

Yes im crying when i write this, do you want to laugh at me some more, like you did when i called you crying and you told me i was pathetic? Im gonna save this on my computer so i am reminded of how i really feel about you when i take you off the pedestal i put you on. One more thing and something you said that hurt me so deeply, but im laughing now. You said you wouldnt even notice me in a club because you dont fancy me. Just to let you know i was just offered a modelling contract from one of the biggest agencies in the world, so they obviously think im attractive. Interestingly one of my girl friends (who incidentally is twice as beautiful as you) said to me yesterday that i can do better yet you can only do worse, worse in every single way. Wave goodbye to your dream. Very soon you will realise what you gave up although i really hope you dont so i never have to speak to you again. Yes i miss you, but im damned if i want you. So go on p*ss off.

[CaliGuy]

Ideally, my friend, you want to get to the point where you don't care what she's feeling, what she is doing or who she is sleeping with.

 

Indifference, not hate, is the opposite of love. That's where you want to eventually be.

[myhearthurtsbadly]

Agreed but im not pretending i dont love her anymore or that im over her, just know that i would never take her back and really dont want her in my life at the moment. Cant wait until i get to the indifferent stage though!

[myhearthurtsbadly]

well guess what two mins ago she called me from an unknown number, i picked up heard it was her and hung up straight away. She then tried to call me back twice, i have no turned off my phone. I just burst into tears, I AM NOT GOING TO BE A DOORMAT.

[CaliGuy]

There ya go. And don't pick up calls from hidden/unknown numbers.

 

All those calls go straight to VM for me

[LovelyDaze]

The problems you are seeing now are only MAGNIFIED when you get married.

 

They don't go away or somehow become minimized. Marriage simply makes all the of red flags stand even more.

 

Cheers, mate.

 

Listen to CaliGuy, leave your ex alone. She has some serious issues that she must work on with a therapist. She can't even sit quietly and do this one her own going around burning stuff and being violent.

 

Don't try to reconcile, because if you do and you two cohabitate and/or get married things will just be 100x worse. People think marriage is the quicker-picker-upper. It is the polar opposite. It's like putting kerosene on a gasoline fire...not goooood.