Crushed After Breakup!

[bberryguy]

I really need some advice and help.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me the other night and it's really eating me up. It's truly a complex situation and I honestly am not sure how to handle it.

 

Background:

 

I've known this woman for over a decade now. We were good friends a long time ago, had a brief fling that didn't last (due more to age than anything), stayed friends but not very close while I was married for 8 years and she was in a relationship with a mutual friend. This year both of us ended our relationships and she moved back to the area.

 

Back in April / May we really started rekindling our friendship quickly realizing that we really made good friends and also quickly realizing that there was much more than that there for both of us as far as chemistry, attraction, and passion go. We both made it clear that there was something there but also thought we should take time because we didn't want to be each others rebounds. Over the course of a few months we tried to stay friends but our interest would randomly lead us to brief stints of "involvement" together that would end either naturally or because she would back it down. I tend to throw caution to the wind so it's probably a good thing she cooled it for both our sakes.

 

Still we had quite a bit there and had an incredible friendship. Honestly, in addition to our chemistry and interest, she really became my closest friend. During the summer the ex made an appearance and pushed all her buttons. She decided to go back to him which broke my heart for me (since I'd lose my opportunity with her) and for her (because as her friend I knew she would not be happy with this guy - he was neglectful and treated her very poorly). We sat down and talked it out - as friends - and she decided to stay. I honestly would have rather her stayed for her sake and had things with her and I not work out because I knew she'd be unhappy going back. In addition to staying, the fires quickly ignited again but fizzled a week or so later, stayed dormant for a few weeks, then lit up again, then fizzled when she withdrew because again each time because it was a bad time for a relationship.

 

I would not refer to these withdraws as breakups or betrayals. They were a bit confusing but it was really just an arrangement that we had as friends with interest and at times friends with benefits that was starting and stopping. Through it all we maintained our friendship which continued to grow and underneath it all, the interest and attraction still festered.

 

Throughout all this time, I tried dating other people, but no one else had the qualities I wanted, the chemistry we had, the passion we shared, or the foundation of a great friendship.

 

Finally, three months ago, we really started seeing each other on a more than friends basis. It was great, worked well, we were happy. Nothing was official, but for all intents and purposes we were together. A month ago she decided she wanted to make things official which I was very pleased to do since I really think she's the right woman for me.

 

Current:

 

Into a few days after Christmas, everything was great. We were happy, things were clicking, we worked well together, the passion, chemistry, and friendship were all still alive. The only real issues we had that I noticed were that she liked to go with the flow in planning time together and I liked to try to pick days at the beginning of the week. I figured we'd work all that out.

 

Up to a couple days after xmas, we wound up seeing each other in some fashion for about 11 days straight. Normally we only get together about 2 to 3 times per week (there's a 40 min distance between us). Now, I'm okay with that but I now how she likes to pace things and thought that might have been a bit much. It was really on accident though how it all worked out.

 

Unfortunately, within a couple days, I started noticing her acting a bit distant and distracted. She came out mid last week and stayed the night. Early in the evening she just seemed in another place but by later in the night / next morning everything seemed fine. She had previous plans for NYE so we weren't together but I noticed her not staying in touch as much. Took her to a surprise concert Friday where I was hoping to drop the L word but while we had fun I could tell she just wasn't all there. Over the weekend she barely contacted me.

 

Finally the other night when she was supposed to come over she told me we needed to talk and called me. I knew what was coming. She said we needed to breakup. Her reasoning? It's not that theres not something there between us, it's not that there's no chemistry, etc - but she's not ready for a relationship. She thought she was a month ago but now she's realizing she's not and just needs to be single with no relational involvement beyond friendship. She could see something starting again after she's had time to be single, but doesn't want me waiting for her because she feels that would be unfair to me.

 

Now, I could call BS because I know often those lines are just that - but honestly - knowing her - I really believe her. I know she really is concerned that I'm farther along than she is and feels badly for that. Honestly, I don't care though. Someone is always further along early in a relationship than another. It would only really start to concern me at maybe 6 months in. And really, up until last week, her emotional displays and actions indicated a woman that was really happy, into me, content. Even she said that the timing was finally right.

 

Now suddenly it's wrong. When asked what it is about a relationship that she's not ready for - she says it's the obligations: having to coordinate schedules, decide whether to invite the bf out with a mutual girlfriend, worrying about spending enough time together, figuring out how to make it all work while she starts a new school path (changing careers), etc. She's just not ready to concern herself with that. She did say we probably spend too much time together up to and just past the holiday and that probably triggered her line of thinking. She feels like it's too serious even though its a relationship. Like its moving too quick.

 

Personally, I could see that preventing you from getting into a relationship, but once youre already in one, shouldn't that be stuff you talk out and try to work out? I'm very low maintinence and don't need to be out with her and her gf's and really only need to see her a couple to three times a week. I highly encourage her school and am proud of her for it and am very willing to work around it. But instead of talking with me about it all, and trying to work it out, she's breaking us up. She just wants to be single.

 

She feels badly for how she's handled things. While there's still something there, she understands if I date other people, and she still really wants to stay friends.

 

I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I'm honestly distraught. I've never had a connection with any woman like I have with her - including my exwife. Never had such a friendship, so much in common, so much mutual attraction, chemistry, and passion. Oh and did I mention that the sex was unbelievably awesome for both of us? I so want to be with her and am very willing to slow down the pace of life integration and just take it easy while she gets comfortable with life but she's not hearing it. If she would have waited and actually came out the other night - I had already been planning on having that conversation with her anyway to see if she wanted to slow things down a bit and so she'd know I didn't expect the pace to stay the way it was around the holiday. Instead I didn't even get the opportunity, she broke us up.

 

After our call, I formulated a few long text messages that I sent her that were really just a way of getting out some thoughts I couldn't formulate on the phone. I really think she's running scared and instead of talking to me and working it out shes just breaking it off. She's never really had a healthy relationship with men. Her father was neglectful, absent, addict, etc. Her exbf was also neglectful and emotionally absent. I treat her good, am attentive, fun, etc all of which she has told me and others that she likes about me. But I think with all the stuff going on in life, she's just buckling, getting scared, and doesn't know what to do with something healthy.

 

At this point I have the option of staying her friend. I don't know how to be just her friend. I still have an interest. Honestly, I doubt she knows how to stay just a friend. If she doesn't come to her senses soon, I'll go no contact for a little while but it will likely only last a couple weeks at most. I don't know how to not do life without her in it anymore. She is the person who know me the best, gets me, appreciates me, we celebrate life together and comiserate in the down times. I'm sure if I go nc for awhile she'll start to miss me horribly and want to start again. I'm sure if I stick around as friends its only a matter of time before we start up again - weeks maybe a month or two.

 

So what do I do? How do I handle it? I'll be meeting with her in a couple days to chat and give her back her stuff. For now I need it out of my house. I'm going to explain that I was already going to have the "pace" conversation and try to work that out and ask her one more time, straightforward, if she would like to figure that out with me so she can have both the happiness with me she enjoys and the freedom and space she enjoys. She will likely say no. Even her gf thinks she's being stupid and wants to give her a piece of her mind. So when she likely says no and that she needs to stay single, I gotta go nc for my own health for at least a week or two I think. Or little contact. But then what? Friends? Friends but still pursue her? Drop the friendship and maintain minimal contact (we have mutual friends so it's tough to do nc through and through)?

 

Help!

Edited January 7, 2010 by bberryguy

[bberryguy]

Anyone have any insight?

 

Here's where I'm at so far:

 

 

• In the past, we haven't broken up, she's just stopped progress mid-stream from moving from friends to relationship. We did flirt, have fwb type stuff, casually see each other, but when it "felt like too much" then she'd withdraw. Makes sense since she was out of a LTR.
  
• In the past when this has happened, I have just stuck around as her friend, continued to be present, flirt, and things would naturally progress in about a months to two months time.
  
• This is precisely what happened 3 months ago when we really bgan seeing each other until a month ago when she wanted a relationship.
  

Here's my strategy thus far:

 

• I want her back. We have a lot of good stuff going on other than this start stop nonesense. Her and I really need to work on communication as far as expectations go because I'm really thinking right now she thinks I have expectations for her that I don't have that she doesn't feel ready for.
  
• I'm trying a different strategy this time. Instead of being present as her friend, I have gone NC. Started yesterday. Two days ago we texted a bit because I wanted to meet and she is open to that sometime soon but due to our schedules this week isn't working. So for no, NC until maybe...next week? Two weeks?
  
• I want to give her a chance to miss me. To think over all the stuff we talked about that she may not have thought through, to talk to her friend who thinks she made a mistake. She said she doesn't think she can handle a relationship and wants to be single so NC gives her a taste of things without me all together.
  
• I think that will help but knowing her, she will find other friends to distract her, so I'm thinking that I have to have small re-entry into her life at some point.
  

I could be wrong, but I just don't think this isn't something we can work through as long as we have a good exchange of communication. She admits that she cares about me and that we have something she's just not ready for "the obligations and expectations of a relationship" and feels like I'm farther along (i.e. want our lives more quickly integrated) which is not the case.

 

So... help?! I'm struggling today with NC. She has a dental operation today and I would normally be checking in with her to see how she's doing before and after. I'm struggling with not doing that. I know NC is supposed to make her miss me but it sure makes me miss her too.

 

Also, is next week too soon to meet and talk? Should I wait longer? I want to share with her

 

• That had she just waited a few hours I was already planning on talking with her about our pace and that I thought we saw each other a LOT around the holiday and wanted her to know that I don't expect that pace to continue.
  
• That with her school coming up and new advancement at work for me we'd probably see each other a little less and I'm okay with that as long as we stay in touch and carve out a couple days a week.
  
• That she does not need to feel obligated to take me out with her friends. That's her time.
  
• Remind her that she can have both the happiness she was enjoying with me and the independence she needs. I love that she has her own life and respect her greatly for it. I want to support her fully in all that as her boyfriend not get in the way.
  
• Ask her if she's willing to talk about expectations with me and see if we can solve some of the misconceptions (if she seems open to hearing the above topics).
  

Until then, when we meet, whenever that will be, I'm sticking to NC - which is extremely hard.

 

Thanks in advance for your help!