Scarlett513 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I've been dating this guy for only 2 months. I really care about him and I want things to work out with him but he recently confided in me that he's seriously depressed, and that this has been an issue with him for years (he has a lot of childhood and relationship baggage). He's tried medications before, can't try therapy bc of his career, and talked about "not wanting to be here." I'm exhausted. It's 2 months in and his baggage/emotional problems are beginning to wear me down. I want to help him but I know that I can't save him, I can't fix his problems, and he is who he is. I've dealt a lot with men with emotional problems and I tend to get wrapped up in thinking I can fix them. I know rationally that it's impossible, and I don't want to get caught up in an unhealthy relationship again. He has been nothing but good to me. When we are together, I am happy and he at least *seems* happy. So this is difficult because while I am really happy with him most of the time, his issues really concern me. I don't know what to do. So confused, so frustrated.
Bejita463 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 can't try therapy bc of his career, Wait. Wait wait wait wait. Wait. Wait. Hold on, wait. What?
Author Scarlett513 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Or so he says, anyway. He's in government work and having therapy on his record could hinder opportunities for advancement. My argument to that was, isn't your mental state more important than your job. His answer, "no."
Bejita463 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Or so he says, anyway. He's in government work and having therapy on his record could hinder opportunities for advancement. My argument to that was, isn't your mental state more important than your job. His answer, "no." To be blunt, he is almost certainly full of crap on that one. I've worked in, or with government agencies my entire adult life. They all have programs specifically for this, as they recognize the type of mentality a person has that makes them join such organizations is the same type of personality that is the least likely to seek help when it is needed. As such, they tend to do everything necessary to make help as available as possible. Chances are high there's a poster up in his workplace with a number to call in case of feelings like you've described right now. There's one in mine, and has been in every office I've been in.
TaraMaiden Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Aside from the fact that you've actually responded to your own problem (You can't fix him, and you don't want to get caught up in such a destructive relationship again) He's talking balls. One of my neighbours works in Government. They have a high stress level and have an in-house counselling service, because dealing with the public (who generally has no praise, only complaints!) is extremely stressful and demoralising. So I think he's avoiding the issue, because Counselling and getting help/treatment for psychological problems is not a stigma any more. Particularly in Government. he's not getting help, because he doesn't want it. And this is also probably a symptom of his condition. But it's a vicious circle.
boogieboy Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 He is definitely full of it, and he doesnt want to go to counceling. You can try to get to the root of his issues and try to pinpoint whats making him depressed. (without sounding like youre interrogating him - if you havent asked him already) But if he doesnt want to tell you, then maybe you should bail. Not wanting counceling or his gf to help him, I know youre not going to let him pull you down with him.
tigereyes1428 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 he can get counselling i know that for a fact - I am training to be a counsellor, he clearly does not want to though and why would he want to when in fact its not affecting his life that much - he wallows you pick him up, its always someone else's responsibility not his, only he can solve this and my feelings are that he is avoiding doing so - all you can do is encourage him to speak to someone - also medication is excellent these days - what do you mean he cant take it?? you can lead a horse to water but you cant force it to drink...
DustySaltus Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Therapy is not frowned upon these days as it might have been in the past. Unless he is going into law enforcement and is having suicidal thoughts now, it shouldn't be a problem. I know that once you are hired in law enforcement many programs are readily available to help you cope. However, having big issues like this COULD hinder him from getting the job in law enforcement because they would take someone who may be less of a liability to cover their ***es. Either way he needs to help himself and you need to explore why you feel the need to be a caretaker in general. In a healthy realtionship, it should be a two-way street.
Vertex Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I don't think they would look at therapy as a hindrance -- better someone get therapy for a problem than to let it go undetected. I think he's just making excuses to not actually go.
sparkle Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Actually, if he has a top secret clearance or above, yes, mental help/counseling can put the clearance on hold and/or he can be pulled from his job temporarily.... But regardless, if you're only 2 months in, it's a good time to get out. This is a lose/lose situation.
Bejita463 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Actually, if he has a top secret clearance or above, yes, mental help/counseling can put the clearance on hold and/or he can be pulled from his job temporarily.... I used to have a top secret clearance, and that is not true.
TaraMaiden Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I've had Top Secret Clearance.... My counsin's husband works in MI6. he has top secret clearance to do things that ordinary police officers for example, cannot. In other words, he is, in some cases, above the Law, within reason.... He has psychiatric assistance as a proviso of his job. So this Top secret clearance is crud. AFAIK....
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I used to have a top secret clearance, and that is not true. It is for many military personnel. Trust me on this, there are plenty of men enlisted who don't want mental health issues in their record.
Johnny M Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 To be blunt, he is almost certainly full of crap on that one. I've worked in, or with government agencies my entire adult life. They all have programs specifically for this, as they recognize the type of mentality a person has that makes them join such organizations is the same type of personality that is the least likely to seek help when it is needed. As such, they tend to do everything necessary to make help as available as possible. Chances are high there's a poster up in his workplace with a number to call in case of feelings like you've described right now. There's one in mine, and has been in every office I've been in. "Working for the government" can mean different things and doesn't necessarily imply your typical chair warming, pencil pushing clerk. For some jobs, a person's psychological profile is taken into very serious consideration. Regardless of what the poster on the wall says, seeing a shrink can totally ruin your career prospects in some cases.
TaraMaiden Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It is for many military personnel. Trust me on this, there are plenty of men enlisted who don't want mental health issues in their record. Grant you, I think you're right. But the OP says he's in 'Government work'.... which might not be military... I guess, until the OP clarifies, we can all give our opinion, but we won't know for sure.... All well and good, but it still sounds as if her BF is prevaricating and making excuses..... Let's wait and see.....
Bejita463 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It is for many military personnel. Trust me on this, there are plenty of men enlisted who don't want mental health issues in their record. Where do you think I got my clearance from? I went to counseling when I was in service. Guess what the end result of that was? Later on in my not-ended career, I ended up with one of the more sensitive forms of clearance you can get, and I already had a Top Secret with a lifestyle poly.
Rollercoasterr Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Actually, if he has a top secret clearance or above, yes, mental help/counseling can put the clearance on hold and/or he can be pulled from his job temporarily.... But regardless, if you're only 2 months in, it's a good time to get out. This is a lose/lose situation. My fiance has that. Not true at all.
hoping2heal Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I've been dating this guy for only 2 months. I really care about him and I want things to work out with him but he recently confided in me that he's seriously depressed, and that this has been an issue with him for years (he has a lot of childhood and relationship baggage). He's tried medications before, can't try therapy bc of his career, and talked about "not wanting to be here." I'm exhausted. It's 2 months in and his baggage/emotional problems are beginning to wear me down. I want to help him but I know that I can't save him, I can't fix his problems, and he is who he is. I've dealt a lot with men with emotional problems and I tend to get wrapped up in thinking I can fix them. I know rationally that it's impossible, and I don't want to get caught up in an unhealthy relationship again. He has been nothing but good to me. When we are together, I am happy and he at least *seems* happy. So this is difficult because while I am really happy with him most of the time, his issues really concern me. I don't know what to do. So confused, so frustrated. I disagree that he has been good to you, I disagree strongly. Being good to you? Well, that would of been taking some responsibility for his emotional wellbeing and health, not lumping his pitty party onto YOUR shoulders. I don't know of ANY career where a person is encouraged to NOT seek help for their emotional and mental health- so if he actually told you that um B.S. What he is doing to you is totally unfair. He is a grown man and I wouldn't put up with someone who had all these issues but refused to take responsibility for them and certainly get some help if it were a deep depression with suicidal thoughts involved.
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