Gunny376 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Going through a divorce? Separation? You work on yourself. You identify your weaknesses and work on them and seek self improvement. Forget the other person. Focus on yourself, your weaknesses and seek self improvement. You identify what you need to improve about yourself, mentally, physically, financially, emotionally. You improvise, adapt and overcome your wants, needs, desires ~ your weaknesses. And yes the want and need to be emotionally, physical, mentally and financially dependent on another is a weakness. A weakness to overcome ~ and you've no business being with another until you've overcome it, conquered it, and have become Master of It! Until you can look another in the eye and say, "I Love you not because I NEED you, but because I WANT you in my Life" will you have the answers that you seek for the questions in your life, nor the solutions to the problems of such. There's no romance without finance ~ and unless you've got a one year emergency fund (one years equivalent of net income in the bank ~ that is to say you can go one year without any income coming in ~ living off of savings? You've no business getting into any kind of relationship! PERIOD! Then you need to sock away at least another $5000 for auto repair if not more for auto replacement. On top of that at the bare minimum you need to save another $5000 MAD money. The one year's net income is your OMGWAIGTDNM ~ Oh My God, what am I going to do now money Don't try and do it all at once. Focus first on one day, then one week, then one month! Then two months, then three! Go ye happy @zz to library and learn and read! Quit being a fool and get your happy @zz back into school! Read, and learn dam-it! At least listen to the audio books if your too damn lazy to read. As Lakeside Dreams knows Gunny's call them like they see them, and they're generally right? Gunny's have zero tolerance for BS! Hard times are a coming!' Maximise income Minimise living expenses! Eradicate debt Maximize savings (I would consider Gold) 1
trippi1432 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Until you can look another in the eye and say, "I Love you not because I NEED you, but because I WANT you in my Life" will you have the answers that you seek for the questions in your life, nor the solutions to the problems of such. I just have to comment on this one thing...I was at this point with my ex for many years...I even told him many times that I loved him not because I needed him, but because I wanted him in my life. For women, I fear that this may be very different than it is for men...which is a terrible thing considering how far women have come today. My ex was very insecure from the beginning of our relationship and me, being a single mom, was very independent and confident in myself that I could take on whatever came my way even though I had absolutely nothing to my name. Due to some luck, I landed a very good job and eventually my income doubled his. Suddenly, those words you state above, took on a totally different meaning to him. When I said them it was met with "Yeah, I know...you don't need me for anything". Something that I stated many months ago, and I discovered this in MC, is that when two people become man and wife they both NEED and WANT each other there. Not for emotional dependence, physical dependence...etc...(co-dependency), but as an extension of themselves..to share in happiness, sorrow...etc. My ex needed to be needed, that was his extent of happiness as this was all he knew and since I didn't need him financially, emotionally or otherwise, he became very unhappy. Yes, he is a narcissist, but no...I'm not taking the blame of his unhappiness, just recognizing my role in it whether it was role I knew I had taken on or not. I guess what I am trying to say is that all of this advice is very spot on for moving on for yourself. But, if you bring another person into your life to share it down the road, recognize that being too independent and self sufficient can push people away. Pride comes before the fall, that is a valuable lesson that I learned way back.
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 ... recognize that being too independent and self sufficient can push people away. Pride comes before the fall, that is a valuable lesson that I learned way back. #1 - Great point trippi. I think you are on to something there. Probably while in a relationship it should not be all "WANT" and no "NEED". But rather a healthy balance of the two - probably a little heavier on the want part than the need part. Too clingy or too independent are probably both recipes for disaster / failure. #2 - Gunny's post should be repeated every month (weekly?) for all newocmers to LS. All this advice is right on guys. Take it from those of us that lived and learned. PEACE!
tnttim Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 (edited) I think you have 3 needs, food, oxygen and water, everything else is a want. Now I'm not saying quit your job and move to the beach. I'm saying we all lose and gain: jobs, kids, lovers, money, and houses but manage to live on. It's not until we lost it all till we have the chance to gain everything. My biggest realization through this whole process was, "your preception of the world is your reality, if you want a happy life, then imagine your life is happy, picture it, and whatever your doing in your fantasy happy world, do it." Like if your shopping for a new clothes in fantasy land, really go shopping. It's that easy. The other was, if you take 2 arrows that are running parrallel and shift one of the arrows just a little, the change is not obvious right away, but in time they are miles apart. This is akin to changing your life, start small and manageable, and then look 6 months from now and appreciate how far you've come. Edited January 7, 2010 by tnttim
sumdude Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I think you have 3 needs, food, oxygen and water, everything else is a want. Well shelter and clothing are pretty important too. I also think human contact at a social level is a basic human need. I don't mean a romantic/sexual relationship is a need but we are the most social creatures on the planet and do actually need contact and connections with others to lead healthy lives. So all I would add to Gunny's list is to find new people and social interactions in your life as well. IOW Make some friends and stay in touch with the people already in your life who matter! Having financial peace of mind is great but it's meaningless without good people in your life to share with. Howard Hughes comes to mind.. millionaire recluse who died a sad an lonely man.
Author Gunny376 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Great points from all of you as to how live a fair and balanced life. How to live a both a singular life for yourself, but as part of a being a couple.
tnttim Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I think where people fail in this whole separation deal is that they can't face cold hard facts soon enough. They look for support here, but never look for the answer. If they find the answer they don't follow through with the game plan. They back pedal constantly and then get bummed about doing it. They get caught up in one step of a many step process. When all they have to do is move in the right direction, and if you back step, forget it and make up for it the next time, but just keep moving.
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