Motive in remaining friends?

[FromTheHeart]

I'm very torn on what is going on or where to go from here. Basically, I was involved with a MM for over 1 1/2 years. We started out as friends, and eventually became more than that. It was physical, but we never had sexual intercourse. He would always stop it from going that far, which is something I'm very grateful for. But at one point (after physically going the farthest we'd ever had), he started becoming more attached. He started calling more often and trying to see way more than usual. It started to scare me because I didn't know what had changed and I was afraid I'd fall for him if we kept seeing each other too often. So I finally told him (about 2 months ago, via text) that it had to stop. I was beginning to like him too much, I didn't want to get hurt, and I was feeling intense remorse about what I could be doing to his family. He called and said he liked me too, that he cares about me and didn't want to lose me as a friend, that "I'd rather have you as a friend than nothing at all." I honestly feel the same way. I don't want to lose the friendship that I had with him.

 

The whole thing honestly felt more like an emotional affair that was physical from time to time. I'm wondering if it's safe to be just friends, and if he has an ulterior motive. I don't want him to keep me around "just in case". He has sent me texts on the recent holidays, and we've talked one time on the phone, very light and casual.

 

However, just the other night he tried calling (I missed the call), then sent a text that said "just wanted to hear your voice.try again tomorrow."

That text really bothered me. It's not something you say to someone who you're trying to be just friends with, and I don't know if he's trying to get me to hang on while he knows I'm trying to move on. And I have been missing him lately, which made it even worse, because I was hoping I'd hear from him the next day, but of course he didn't call. I feel like I'm back at square one in getting over it all. I thought we'd be able to keep in touch, but now I don't know. Is he just trying to keep me from moving on from him?

 

Sorry this was long but thanks in advance for any input...

[TaraMaiden]

The one person benefitting from this arrangement is him.

he has his wife, and a form of attachment which is obviously meeting some of his needs, and he has you, to prop him up emotionally, and make him feel good when he needs it.

I'm sure he's not deliberately being mindfully selfish - but nevertheless, selfish is what he is.

 

it's known as 'having your cake and eating it.' he's got the best of both worlds.

 

I hate to say it, and I understand how much this relationship means to you - but you have to cut yourself away from this completely.

It's not healthy, it's not productive and it will all end in tears.

Mainly, probably, yours.

 

In the cold, grey light of day -

He's an adulterer, and you are the third party.

If his wife gets wind of it, the fall-out for you will be desperate, because he has given no indication whatsoever (by your post) that he has any intention whatsoever of separating or divorcing.

You'll get nothing out of this.

Nothing.

Except a shattered heart and a bleak future.....

 

Please.

End it completely, now.

Tell him that it's over, you cannot continue, because the repercussions and emotional investment is too high for you.

Tell him to please not contact you any more, and to try to do something about his marriage.

That's where his focus should be.

not divided between you and his wife.

 

And your focus should be firmly on you.

And the only way to do that, is to remove it from him, completely.

[FromTheHeart]

He has never said anything about leaving his wife or divorcing. I've never asked, but he shows no signs. He's never made any promises, and I've never made any demands. I know he's cheated before, so I figure if he's still married, it's for a reason.

 

I've always made the excuse that he wasn't using me because he's never tried to sleep with me. Not the best rationalization, I know, but it's what has kept me from looking at him as a "bad guy" this whole time. I figured he must not want to hurt me if he won't do that with me. It took a long time to see him for what he is, a liar and a cheater, but I still find myself wanting to make excuses for him. I still want to believe that I meant something to him, or that he does care enough to at least want me as a friend still. I don't know... I'm so confused right now

[TaraMaiden]

He has never said anything about leaving his wife or divorcing. I've never asked, but he shows no signs. He's never made any promises, and I've never made any demands. I know he's cheated before, so I figure if he's still married, it's for a reason.

Yes.

It's because he's a serial player, who can't keep it in his pants.

he's either a master of disguise and is able to keep his wife completely fooled - or she's turning a blind eye and in denial, even though she might be fully aware that he's like this, but has lost so much of her self-esteem she no longer knows which way is up...

And if he's cheated before, then the only reason he's chasing you is for the conquest.

Do you know for sure that you are the only OW in the picture?

 

 

I've always made the excuse that he wasn't using me because he's never tried to sleep with me. Not the best rationalization, I know, but it's what has kept me from looking at him as a "bad guy" this whole time. I figured he must not want to hurt me if he won't do that with me. It took a long time to see him for what he is, a liar and a cheater, but I still find myself wanting to make excuses for him. I still want to believe that I meant something to him, or that he does care enough to at least want me as a friend still. I don't know... I'm so confused right now

No, you have feelings for him, would like validation, and would like to know you mean more to him, than just being a casual screw.

We all want to be someone special, someone significant, someone important in somebody's life.

 

Understand this -

You're not now, and you never will be.

He is the most important person in his life followed by more of him....

You have to save your heart, save your esteem, and save your sanity.

And save yourself for someone who will have you - and only you - as the most important woman in their life.

[jwi71]

He has never said anything about leaving his wife or divorcing. I've never asked, but he shows no signs. He's never made any promises, and I've never made any demands. I know he's cheated before, so I figure if he's still married, it's for a reason.

 

I've always made the excuse that he wasn't using me because he's never tried to sleep with me. Not the best rationalization, I know, but it's what has kept me from looking at him as a "bad guy" this whole time. I figured he must not want to hurt me if he won't do that with me. It took a long time to see him for what he is, a liar and a cheater, but I still find myself wanting to make excuses for him. I still want to believe that I meant something to him, or that he does care enough to at least want me as a friend still. I don't know... I'm so confused right now

 

He's a skilled and accomplished liar and cheat.

 

YOU are on his list of women to have sex with.

 

He is patiently, carefully and deliberately reeling you in. He is the patient type...biding his time and setting the hook in you. Its a slow process so you never really know until its too late.

 

Look at how this is affecting you ALREADY.

 

Good luck...

[hopeless4u]

He has never said anything about leaving his wife or divorcing. I've never asked, but he shows no signs. He's never made any promises, and I've never made any demands. I know he's cheated before, so I figure if he's still married, it's for a reason.

 

I've always made the excuse that he wasn't using me because he's never tried to sleep with me. Not the best rationalization, I know, but it's what has kept me from looking at him as a "bad guy" this whole time. I figured he must not want to hurt me if he won't do that with me. It took a long time to see him for what he is, a liar and a cheater, but I still find myself wanting to make excuses for him. I still want to believe that I meant something to him, or that he does care enough to at least want me as a friend still. I don't know... I'm so confused right now

 

 

My xMM and I started out like this, the attraction was there but we never slept together, he could never go all the way because of guilt for what he was doing to his W.

 

We became so close and I believed he was one of the 'good guys' because he felt guilt!

 

If you keep this EA going it WILL lead to a PA and then there is no going back.

 

I know this is probably one of the hardest and most painful decisions you will ever have to make (I'm there, right now) but you have to just step back and let him make his choice for HIM and then deal with whatever HIS choice is.

 

((hugs))

[califnan]

Hello From The Heart ...

 

I read all the posts .. they are right on .. He has probably not had sex with you because of guilt .. or to minimize your relationship to that of friendship ... Either way - he is with his wife, and that is where he wishes to be .. Men are simple - they will be With the person they want to be with ..

 

I have no idea why married men can appear to be so much more of an attraction or magnet - but they are.. They can be sweeter, more patient, more communicative than single men.. It is unfortuneate ..

 

I read another post that stated that to be in love with a married man - and all of the incompleteness of the relationship - implies lack of self confidence in the woman .. Do yourself a big favor and seek that in your life that would give you a good feeling ... it could be job improvement, exercise, an awaited project - etc... Also, seek God and pray for strength and healing - He will give it to you...

 

God Bless...

califnan

[2sunny]

it is cheating if you share time and feelings that you both wouldn't want his W to know about. it is this secrecy that makes it exciting for him especially.

 

since he is giving you time, attention and his emotional energy - he is short changing his W from the ability to have that as well. it's stealing - stealing the energy and love and intimacy that belongs only between the two people in the marriage. he's willingly giving it away to you. short changing his wife of all of it without her even knowing. how would you feel if you were the W? to think that your H is stealing from the M without your consent... THAT is why it's wrong and that's why you know you shouldn't be doing it.

[FromTheHeart]

He called again this afternoon, but I didn't answer. I'm finally starting to realize I need true distance to get over it.

 

I just wanted to say thanks to all who have given advice and stated opinions without judgement. It's what I needed to hear. This is not the most proud position to be in, but I've never claimed to be innocent in any of it. I know I've made mistakes, and now I'm just trying to focus on bettering myself and living a life that is not consumed with him or this whole mess.

 

I keep trying to remind myself that if he is comfortable with hurting his own wife, then he wouldn't even think twice about hurting me. He's been married for over 13 years, and only known me for about 3... That certainly doesn't outweigh their history. His wife is very obviously bitter and doesn't trust him, and I can't blame her either. I don't know how many times he has done this to her, or how many times he will in the future, but I just don't want to play a role in it any longer. I've been cheated on in the past, and it ripped my heart out. I don't want to keep contributing that same kind of pain to someone else.

 

hopeless4u... thank you and good luck to you

[califnan]

Another side of this story .. I believe that a married man uses the single woman because he feels something is lacking in his marriage..

Example: I knew a married man who emailed and flirted with other women... His wife was also emailing with other men who had previously been in her life.. The mm may have been trying to makeup for what he felt his wife was doing to him ..

I know this may appear to be an excuse.. But I am trying to illustrate that the single woman is actually being Used ...

 

It would appear that the only way that single woman can truly recover - would be to make her own life all that she thinks it should be, or wish for - so that she would not be such a vulnerable, easy target .. In this way the SW can stand a better chance of healing ..

[Spark1111]

HI and Welcome to LS.

 

I am a former BS, and before his affair, we both enjoyed friends of the opposite sex, work buddies, etc.

 

No more.

 

If you and he truly want to remain just "friends," then you have to also befriend the wife.

 

Any relationship conducted in secret from a spouse, is a huge red flag IMHO.

 

I understand you miss the friendship and would like to return to it. Suggest to him you all meet, he, his wife and you.

 

Guage his response. You will have your answer if he truly wants to be "just friends."

[FromTheHeart]

HI and Welcome to LS.

 

I am a former BS, and before his affair, we both enjoyed friends of the opposite sex, work buddies, etc.

 

No more.

 

If you and he truly want to remain just "friends," then you have to also befriend the wife.

 

Any relationship conducted in secret from a spouse, is a huge red flag IMHO.

 

I understand you miss the friendship and would like to return to it. Suggest to him you all meet, he, his wife and you.

 

Guage his response. You will have your answer if he truly wants to be "just friends."

 

I know that would be the healthiest way of going about a friendship, but I honestly don't see that happening. I have met his wife a couple of times, and she is not very fond of women hanging out with her husband. She has expressed to a mutual friend of mine and his that she feels very threatened when he brings female friends around, and she gets worried he's going to leave her for someone else. I've also learned over time that he pretty much does whatever he feels like doing in all aspects of his life. I know he still hangs out with male friends he has been "banned" from, and visits places he's not supposed to, regardless of his wife's wishes.

 

Basically, I don't see his wife welcoming the idea of a female friend (I could be wrong, though), and if that were the case, he's the type that would stay friends even if it did bother her. I'm going NC for a while, but if I still feel that his friendship is worth keeping afterward, it couldn't hurt to give it a try.

[Meaplus3]

The whole thing honestly felt more like an emotional affair that was physical from time to time. I'm wondering if it's safe to be just friends, and if he has an ulterior motive. I don't want him to keep me around "just in case". He has sent me texts on the recent holidays, and we've talked one time on the phone, very light and casual.

 

 

The only way it's safe to be just friends is if there in NO underlying attraction between the two of you. If the attraction exists.. you will be heading in the wrong direction and it could happen quick. Plus, you stated that this felt like this was an EA.. and and EA is much more than a friendship. In your case, I'd say just friends.. would be off the table at this point in time.

 

Mea:)

[TaraMaiden]

I know that would be the healthiest way of going about a friendship, but I honestly don't see that happening. I have met his wife a couple of times, and she is not very fond of women hanging out with her husband. She has expressed to a mutual friend of mine and his that she feels very threatened when he brings female friends around, and she gets worried he's going to leave her for someone else. I've also learned over time that he pretty much does whatever he feels like doing in all aspects of his life. I know he still hangs out with male friends he has been "banned" from, and visits places he's not supposed to, regardless of his wife's wishes.

 

Basically, I don't see his wife welcoming the idea of a female friend (I could be wrong, though), and if that were the case, he's the type that would stay friends even if it did bother her.

 

Could you explain how all of the above concerns and conditions could possibly make any sense, with regard to the comment below....?

 

I'm going NC for a while, but if I still feel that his friendship is worth keeping afterward, it couldn't hurt to give it a try.

 

Sorry hun, but if you have any respect for yourself - and his long-suffering beset wife - you'll go NC, stay NC and never, but never come out of it.

[2sunny]

the only reason you and he would continue this dance is to stroke each others egos... find a single guy to do that with. his wife isn't happy because she knows what it indicates when he strokes your ego and you stroke his.

 

IF you were his W - would you want him in contact with another gal the way he has contact with you?

[FromTheHeart]

Could you explain how all of the above concerns and conditions could possibly make any sense, with regard to the comment below....?

 

 

 

Sorry hun, but if you have any respect for yourself - and his long-suffering beset wife - you'll go NC, stay NC and never, but never come out of it.

 

My point in saying that it wouldn't hurt to try an honest friendship with him, is I don't know what will happen in the future. There could be a point where I feel I've had enough distance, and a friendship can take place, but I'm not betting on it because of all the points I previously stated.

 

I'm still feeling the attachment, and it's still difficult to say or think that he will not be a part of my life in any way from now on. NC is what I'm doing and I'm hoping that, in time, it will help me get to a place where I'm no longer concerned about being friends with him, but I'm not there yet. I'm just taking this one day at a time.

[TaraMaiden]

My point in saying that it wouldn't hurt to try an honest friendship with him, is I don't know what will happen in the future. There could be a point where I feel I've had enough distance, and a friendship can take place, but I'm not betting on it because of all the points I previously stated.

 

Exactly.

I don't know if you're getting it here, but this isn't up to you first and foremost.

It's not even up to you second of all.

You come in third place.

Behind his wife and him.

Until she's completely comfortable with his having women friends, you will never get a look in.

As things stand, you never should....

 

I'm still feeling the attachment, and it's still difficult to say or think that he will not be a part of my life in any way from now on. NC is what I'm doing and I'm hoping that, in time, it will help me get to a place where I'm no longer concerned about being friends with him, but I'm not there yet. I'm just taking this one day at a time.

 

And that's all you can do, I understand that.

but I think you'd better get used to the fact that this is a non-happening thing.

And it should stay that way....

[tami-chan]

Logically, I understand the concept of NC and in fact, support it....emotionally, I can't imagine turning my back on someone I have shared so much of myself, even though I do not want to be with him-sexually or otherwise-anymore. Obviously, there is a disconnect somewhere. So, I do not think there is necessarily a devious motive to be friends with an ex..

[TaraMaiden]

No, I'm not suggesting her motives are, but while the wife suspects it, then really, this cannot continue in any sensible vein.....

And we cannot entirely be sure of his motives, either.....