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current gf cheated last relationship, setting myself up for hurt?

demonspawn

By demonspawn
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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demonspawn Member

demonspawn

Posted
Posted (edited)

hello LS

I was wondering if im setting myself up for hurt with this new girl or am I just being too insecure?

 

here goes...

Well Ive been with this new girl for about 2 months now(im 26, shes 22)...everything is going great. Spending lots of time with each other, shes always telling me how lucky she is to have a great guy like me in her life and that i treat her better than anyone else has.

 

The thing is though, she has told me before we got together and a few days ago(while we were talkin about crazy ex's), that she has cheated in her last relationship. Her reasons were because this guy tried to change her, put her down a lot..especially for hobbies she was passionate about.... would tell her at times he didnt care whenever she would try to talk about something...He just made her feel really unhappy/depressed according to her during the end of their nearly 3 years together. It wasnt a full on dating another guy cheating just more of a one nighter with a guy at a party type...she never told her ex about it but she did say she felt bad and was planning on breaking up with him/broke up with him a little while after.

 

I talked to her about my opinion on cheating and how I can/have never been able to cheat and dont believe in it. She acknowledged it and told me she would never be able to cheat on someone like me and promised me she wouldnt.

 

I know it all comes down to trust and I really do like this girl but i cant help but be thrown off by this sometimes....Am i overthinking this too much? what do you think LS? Any ladies out there cheat once because of a bad boyfriend and never cheat again after?

Edited by demonspawn
TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Well, they do say, 'once a cheater, alwaqys a cheater', but the fact that she's actually confided in you and told you the background, is a hopeful and optimistic sign.... She trusts you enough with the information to be candid with you.

 

I think there may also be a subconscious signal indicating that if you begin behaving like her ex-, then you're History!

 

What I read from this is, "I cheated on my ex. he treated me very badly. I don't want to cheat on you, really I don't, so don't give me an excuse."

 

The fact you told her your stance and position is good, but I suspect that's not what she was getting at, entirely.

if the discussion ever comes up again, just ask her to be honest with you, if she feels there's something amiss with the relationship.

Just tell her - 'instead of running into another man's arms, let's see if we can't make sure we put things right here'.

 

My 2 cents...

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demonspawn Member

demonspawn

Posted
  • Author
Posted

hey tara...that quote is what was kind of bothering me....

 

Good you brought that last part up...I did forget to mention that she also did say she liked the fact that theres good communcation between us(we both told each other not to be afraid to ask one another something if a concern came up)...she had told me that was a problem with her and her ex, they didnt have good communication....

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

If you have good communication with her, then this is a bonus.

Trust and respect are equally important, and it takes commitment to the relationship, but most of all, it takes Effort.

 

Relationships, and people evolve. Nothing - and nobody - stays the same. Tehy don't necessarily get better or worse, they just become different, according to experience.

Respect one another, trust one another and communicate, effectively.

This provides the strong, unshakeable foundation, and basis for any relationship.

 

Good luck, be well. :)

Simon Attwood Established Member

Simon Attwood

Posted
Posted

so far we have a very ambiguous picture of her situation and what was going on in her relationship, when she "cheated". So we are very inclined to fill in the blanks.

 

Perhaps, if she is willing, you could gear a conversation towards what was actually happening at the time, and more importantly what her reasons and motives were for "cheating". If she had already made the decision to end the relationship. Whether she cheated to give an escape route to a dysfunctional relationship. Or whether there was no conscious intention involved and it was one of those things that just happened and that it was perhaps later that she rationalised the cheating as being motivated by her unhappiness with the relationship.

Space Ritual Established Member

Space Ritual

Posted
Posted
hello LS

I was wondering if im setting myself up for hurt with this new girl or am I just being too insecure?

 

here goes...

Well Ive been with this new girl for about 2 months now(im 26, shes 22)...everything is going great. Spending lots of time with each other, shes always telling me how lucky she is to have a great guy like me in her life and that i treat her better than anyone else has.

 

The thing is though, she has told me before we got together and a few days ago(while we were talkin about crazy ex's), that she has cheated in her last relationship. Her reasons were because this guy tried to change her, put her down a lot..especially for hobbies she was passionate about.... would tell her at times he didnt care whenever she would try to talk about something...He just made her feel really unhappy/depressed according to her during the end of their nearly 3 years together. It wasnt a full on dating another guy cheating just more of a one nighter with a guy at a party type...she never told her ex about it but she did say she felt bad and was planning on breaking up with him/broke up with him a little while after.

 

I talked to her about my opinion on cheating and how I can/have never been able to cheat and dont believe in it. She acknowledged it and told me she would never be able to cheat on someone like me and promised me she wouldnt.

 

I know it all comes down to trust and I really do like this girl but i cant help but be thrown off by this sometimes....Am i overthinking this too much? what do you think LS? Any ladies out there cheat once because of a bad boyfriend and never cheat again after?

 

Actions and not words.

 

Anyone can tell you anything. But remember now that since you took the time to post the question to us that this will be in the back of your mind. ALL THE TIME.

 

I suggest you don't bring it up to her again or steer any conversation towards it to her, even though it has brought up more questions than answers. You now know only two things.

 

1. she freely admitted that she has cheated before

2. she(like every human on the planet)has the ability to do it.

 

That is all you know.

 

Now, once again...it will be her actions and not her words. If you treat her well then the likelihood that she will cheat may be lessened. Just remember what so many of us overlook. And that is that if someone wants to cheat, that they will. Regardless of what they say, it is a conscious decision to undertake each and every time. So once again, you can't predict that she WILL, but at least now you know what she is capable of, and the excuses she already gave you why she did in the first place...which are just that...excuses.

Javelin Established Member

Javelin

Posted
Posted (edited)

Demonspawn,

 

I'm not going to quote anything that you've wrote, but let me say this...

 

Don't change your stance towards her!

 

She told you information that she trusts you with and that's a good thing because she didn't have to tell you anything. However, this trusted information isn't something that you should take lightly. She may have given you an excuse as to why she cheated and then go on about how she w©ouldn't cheat on you! Don't buy it, talk is cheap and whatever she says can be overturned in the right situation. That said, if your relationship becomes unhealthy, then you should probably end it.

 

Now if her past is going to bother you to the point where it affects how you trust her, then that will impact your relationship negatively. In which case you shouldn't lead her on! You'll need to end the relationship before it becomes serious. Remember, she has feelings too and obviously she's into you! Keep in mind that you'll have to explain why you feel the way that you do and don't try and sugar coat your reasoning!

 

Honestly though? You've given her a fair chance already and if you're going to treat her right - then you probably have nothing to worry about. If you really enjoy her company and see a future with her, then give her that opportunity to prove that she can be trusted again.

Edited by Javelin
samspade Established Member

samspade

Posted
Posted

OP, she is communicating to you what kind of girl she is. Her "reasons" are irrelevant. However - she is young.

 

As long as you control the frame of the relationship you will be fine. Make it clear that if it happens and you find out, you're done - that's it. The key for you is to stay true to your personal standards here. She'll hopefully respect that and fall in line. If she doesn't, you move on without her.

lkjh Established Member

lkjh

Posted
Posted

her stance is its ok to cheat if she is not happy, do you really want to be with someone that you have to keep happy all the time?

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
Posted
He just made her feel really unhappy/depressed according to her during the end of their nearly 3 years together.

 

Oh? HE did all that, all by himself? She had nothing to do with her own happiness or depression or the success or failure of their relationship? It was all on him, and she was just a bystander? It was all his fault that she cheated? She had NO other option but to cheat? It never crossed her mind at any time while she was unhappy/depressed that she could actually break up with the guy? She chose to cheat instead of dealing with the problems in their relationship?

 

She's blaming her bf for her actions and her choice to cheat. Thus, she has taken no responsibility for choosing deception, lies, betrayal of trust and exposing her bf of 3 years to STD's.

 

Thus, she has learned nothing from her experience.

 

It wasnt a full on dating another guy cheating just more of a one nighter with a guy at a party type...

 

Mm-hmm. Is it going to feel any less like cheating to YOU if she has a one night stand while she's your gf? Does she really need to date someone else for you to feel betrayed?

 

She's minimizing her cheating, trying to make it seem like it wasn't such a big deal. Thus, she's not taking responsibility for choosing to have sex with some guy while her bf thought she was committed and exclusive with him.

 

Thus, she has learned nothing from her experience.

 

she never told her ex about it but she did say she felt bad and was planning on breaking up with him/broke up with him a little while after.

 

So, even in the end, she chose to deceive her bf so she wouldn't have to face his anger at finding out she betrayed his trust and cheated. Poor dude is probably on LS wondering why his gf of 3 years broke up with him and wondering if there was another guy and he'll never know.

 

She chose to minimize her cheating by "planning" to break up with him soon after..."oh, it doesn't matter that I cheated since I'm breaking up with him soon anyway". Thus, she's not taking responsibility for screwing around on this guy behind his back, she didn't want to be honest and tell him and face up to what she did to him, and she's thinking it wasn't a big deal since she was planning on breaking up with him later.

 

Thus, she has learned nothing from her experience. Except that she can get away with cheating if she hides it, and believes it's not a big deal since he doesn't know about it.

 

I talked to her about my opinion on cheating and how I can/have never been able to cheat and dont believe in it. She acknowledged it and told me she would never be able to cheat on someone like me and promised me she wouldnt.

 

Since you're dealing with someone who cheated, blamed the guy she cheated on for making her cheat, hid it from him and got away with it, and doesn't seem to think it was that big a deal...odds are that you telling her your opinion on cheating will only make her very careful to hide it really well so you never find out when she cheats on you.

 

She's learned nothing from her experience except that she can get away with it. She's young. She's got a lot to learn. Do you really want to be the next guy she dates?

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
Posted
OP, she is communicating to you what kind of girl she is. Her "reasons" are irrelevant. However - she is young.

 

As long as you control the frame of the relationship you will be fine. Make it clear that if it happens and you find out, you're done - that's it. The key for you is to stay true to your personal standards here. She'll hopefully respect that and fall in line. If she doesn't, you move on without her.

 

You'd think that would prevent her from cheating, but it just makes cheaters careful to hide their cheating better so you don't catch them.

Joe Normal Established Member

Joe Normal

Posted
Posted
You'd think that would prevent her from cheating, but it just makes cheaters careful to hide their cheating better so you don't catch them.

 

I agree. If you want to put someone off from cheating, you need to make clear that you will brutally physically assault and possibly kill both your partner and their affair partner if it ever happens, and that you are a very suspicious and cunning person who can easily tell if someone is lying to you. If you're a woman, say you'd castrate a guy if he ever cheated on you. Usually this will make someone decide it's better to dump you if they are unhappy rather than cheat.

meerkat stew Established Member

meerkat stew

Posted
Posted

Every time a woman has fessed up to cheating in past relationships (and I ask them about it whenever they start pushing for exclusivity), things turn out badly, whether it's actual cheating or something else. The propensity to cheat is usually just the tip of the iceberg on top of a whole nasty substrate of bad characteristics IME. Just my .02

aerogurl87 Established Member

aerogurl87

Posted
Posted
Every time a woman has fessed up to cheating in past relationships (and I ask them about it whenever they start pushing for exclusivity), things turn out badly, whether it's actual cheating or something else. The propensity to cheat is usually just the tip of the iceberg on top of a whole nasty substrate of bad characteristics IME. Just my .02

 

Yeah see this is why most ex cheaters lie about their past. Look OP if she told you the truth about what happened then take that as a good sign. It shows she trusts you and is willing to be open with you. Most people don't tell people they cheated in the past if they did so because they don't their potential partners to do what your doing to your girl now, judging her. I wouldn't tell a guy I cheated in the past if he asked me because it's not like it's going to happen again. I learned from my past and I don't wish to repeat history in the future with anyone I date. So I don't want to be judged for my past actions as I'm sure your girl doesn't want to be judged by you. Plus we all have stuff we're ashamed of from our past, I'm sure your no saint. So give her the benefit of the doubt and let her actions speak for her more than her words.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

Get out while you can. What makes you think you will be any different than the other suckers who thought she loved them. Unless she takes full responsibility and cuts the excuses she is not a changed woman.

meerkat stew Established Member

meerkat stew

Posted
Posted

Sorry I disagree that it makes any difference if they fess up or not, especially if it was in her last relationship. Maybe if it had been in the distant past, would agree more with aero. If it was her last relationship, there has been no time for her to prove it will be a one time only thing, and cheaters often do get a taste for cheating once they have done it. Her excuses are irrelevant, if the relationship was bad she should have left it rather than cheating.

tami-chan Established Member

tami-chan

Posted
Posted

I respect that. A man should be clear about his parameters. 'Nothing more annoying than a man who waffles about these kinds of issues.

Hop_prophet Established Member

Hop_prophet

Posted
Posted

Man I really know how you feel. My girlfriend has confessed to cheating several times in abusive relationships. It really really makes me feel uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. I almost feel like its bound to happen to me eventually. It's driven me to some very controlling and insecure behavior since she insists on having her male 'friends'. I'm over it now and know its a possibility. At least she was honest about it.

 

There is no use obsessing about it. Trust me, I've done this and it will only cause more problems. I'm taking it as it comes but I'm definitely alert to any suspicious behavior. The best thing you can do is let her know you won't tolerate it. Don't relax your boundaries, if she doesn't respect them then you know where this is headed.

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demonspawn Member

demonspawn

Posted
  • Author
Posted

damn so many different views...its all hard to take in from you folks. I did talk to her more about it though and she did say this guy told her he would kill/hurt himself if she ever broke up with him and that she was all he had to live for...it worried her about ending it sooner....but she finally ended it.

 

We have also told each other that if there is any problems in the relationship to address each other since we want to keep communication good and open...

 

Its a bit hard but if i worry about this its all going to eat me. So i'm just gonna do my best and go on with what I have/feel, though of course, tread carefully.......As things stand now though, shes one of the best girls ive had and she actually treats me well and appreciates the good guy that I am...never had that before from any girl ive dated in my life....

MrFun Established Member

MrFun

Posted
Posted

..Thus, she has learned nothing from her experience...

 

This is an excellent post. And hits the nail square on the head, imho.

bluestraps Established Member

bluestraps

Posted
Posted

I will add, is she normal. Does she have any emotional, mental, or physical problems. These are the things that you may want to look for. as things get moving.

Javelin Established Member

Javelin

Posted
Posted
so many different views

 

It's common to feel a bit overwhelmed here on LS, but make sure you read each reply thoroughly as you may find common ground between them! Most importantly, you need to use the resources within your thread as tools in order to come to a better conclusion about your situation - which you have!

 

I did talk to her

 

Make sure that this is what you want and don't second guess yourself. If you have an ounce of doubt, it'll be hard to move away from her past. Don't force yourself to stay either, if you can't do it, then don't. It'll save you both a ton of grief in the end.

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