Austen Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Hello, I'm new to the forum. I've been visiting for a while as a guest but finally decided to join today. Posting this feels odd, but maybe it will be cathartic and help me sort out this jumble in my head. I met the MM in September and we started our "relationship" in mid-October. We only see each other once or twice a month, but we text and chat almost every day and we talk on the phone once or twice a week. I'm 32, he's 39. He's been married to someone 10 years younger than him since 2001. The have three children under the age of 10. He's a war vet with PTSD. He said when he came back from his deployments things weren't good at home. His wife cheated on him before they ever got married, but she became pregnant with his child, so he "did the right thing". When he came back from Iraq, his wife's best friend told him that his wife had been cheating on him while he was overseas. Well, he and the best friend ended up having a brief affair, but she met someone and moved on. According to him, she and I have been his only affairs. He's very passive and never confronted his wife about her cheating. If I believe what he tells me, she's very controlling, moody, yells a lot, and puts him down frequently. He says he's been very unhappy the past couple years. He's never brought up the idea of separation to her, but she's threatened him with it multiple times. I will say this about him--he's never spoken of her disrespectfully. He's really struggled with our situation to the point that he even talked to his pastor a couple weeks ago about our affair. He says he's not sure what his feelings for his wife are anymore. He's mentioned the idea of divorce to me several times, and has even talked about child custody, and where he would stay. But at this point, he's definitely in limbo. He's been very honest with me about his feelings. He says he has feelings for me, but that I shouldn't be the only reason he would change his whole life and divorce. He says he should do it for his own reasons, and I completely agree with that. Sex has not been frequent, and we've gone through periods of not having any because we both felt guilty. His kids are the center of his world, and that's the way it should be. I've made it clear to him that if he and his wife did go their separate ways, there would be plenty of room in my life for his children, and that I understand that they are number one in his life. He tells me that he doesn't want me to end it, but that he'd understand if I did. He says he needs time to figure out what to do, and that he could see us together if his marriage ended. But he's also said that he can't make any promises. And last week he told me that even though it would be hard, he'd rather see me with someone else now and be happy than to have me waiting around for "us" to begin somewhere down the road. I've told him that if we continue, his wife will catch him. He doesn't seem to care about that very much. She even confronted him last week about how much he and I are in contact. But he continues to communicate with me. All it's gonna take is her looking at the cell phone bill and seeing the hundreds of texts, and she's gonna know. But I have a gut feeling she suspects already. Yes, part of me feels guilty. But I also believe that people have the right to not be miserable. While he's never spoken disrespectfully about his wife, he has mentioned the things I noted above as well as the fact that she's hit him and locked him out of the house. He said he told co-workers in the past that if anything ever happened to him, she probably did it. His family apparently doesn't like her, and his siblings have asked him why he doesn't leave. His response is that he's a coward. Anyway, that's enough for now. Some days I feel okay with everything and like I can give him the time he needs, and other days I feel like I'm gonna explode. And I wonder if he's really pulling the wool over my eyes or is he genuinely conflicted and seriously working toward a decision. Thanks for letting me vent here and regain some of my sanity
moaningmyrtle Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Hello, I'm new to the forum. I've been visiting for a while as a guest but finally decided to join today. Posting this feels odd, but maybe it will be cathartic and help me sort out this jumble in my head. I met the MM in September and we started our "relationship" in mid-October. We only see each other once or twice a month, but we text and chat almost every day and we talk on the phone once or twice a week. I'm 32, he's 39. He's been married to someone 10 years younger than him since 2001. The have three children under the age of 10. He's a war vet with PTSD. He said when he came back from his deployments things weren't good at home. His wife cheated on him before they ever got married, but she became pregnant with his child, so he "did the right thing". When he came back from Iraq, his wife's best friend told him that his wife had been cheating on him while he was overseas. Well, he and the best friend ended up having a brief affair, but she met someone and moved on. According to him, she and I have been his only affairs. He's very passive and never confronted his wife about her cheating. If I believe what he tells me, she's very controlling, moody, yells a lot, and puts him down frequently. He says he's been very unhappy the past couple years. He's never brought up the idea of separation to her, but she's threatened him with it multiple times. I will say this about him--he's never spoken of her disrespectfully. He's really struggled with our situation to the point that he even talked to his pastor a couple weeks ago about our affair. He says he's not sure what his feelings for his wife are anymore. He's mentioned the idea of divorce to me several times, and has even talked about child custody, and where he would stay. But at this point, he's definitely in limbo. He's been very honest with me about his feelings. He says he has feelings for me, but that I shouldn't be the only reason he would change his whole life and divorce. He says he should do it for his own reasons, and I completely agree with that. Sex has not been frequent, and we've gone through periods of not having any because we both felt guilty. His kids are the center of his world, and that's the way it should be. I've made it clear to him that if he and his wife did go their separate ways, there would be plenty of room in my life for his children, and that I understand that they are number one in his life. He tells me that he doesn't want me to end it, but that he'd understand if I did. He says he needs time to figure out what to do, and that he could see us together if his marriage ended. But he's also said that he can't make any promises. And last week he told me that even though it would be hard, he'd rather see me with someone else now and be happy than to have me waiting around for "us" to begin somewhere down the road. I've told him that if we continue, his wife will catch him. He doesn't seem to care about that very much. She even confronted him last week about how much he and I are in contact. But he continues to communicate with me. All it's gonna take is her looking at the cell phone bill and seeing the hundreds of texts, and she's gonna know. But I have a gut feeling she suspects already. Yes, part of me feels guilty. But I also believe that people have the right to not be miserable. While he's never spoken disrespectfully about his wife, he has mentioned the things I noted above as well as the fact that she's hit him and locked him out of the house. He said he told co-workers in the past that if anything ever happened to him, she probably did it. His family apparently doesn't like her, and his siblings have asked him why he doesn't leave. His response is that he's a coward. Anyway, that's enough for now. Some days I feel okay with everything and like I can give him the time he needs, and other days I feel like I'm gonna explode. And I wonder if he's really pulling the wool over my eyes or is he genuinely conflicted and seriously working toward a decision. Thanks for letting me vent here and regain some of my sanity Umm... he's told you lots about his wife; ie: - moody - cheats on him - controlling - shouts - puts him down - threatens to leave him - already suspects him of cheating - has been violent towards him - locked him out of home - disliked by his family and his co-workers - Plus he's miserable and cheated on her with her best friend and now you. But you tell us twice, that he's never spoken disrespectfully of her to you! If you cannot see how utterly disrespectful he has both spoken of her and behaved towards her, then yes he is certainly pulling the wool over your eyes. I'm being harsh but you did wonder. Do you really believe that even if these things are all true that he is being respectful toward her? If anybody said any of these things about you would you find them respectful?
Author Austen Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 When I said he doesn't speak disrespectfully of her, I meant that he doesn't call her names, doesn't speak angrily of her, etc... Telling me why he's unhappy isn't disrespectful. If he was calling her a f****** b****, that WOULD be disrespectful. What he's told me about the marriage has been very matter of fact and because I asked. And I'm not arguing that having the affair isn't disrespectful in itself. To answer your question: If I found out that my significant other was saying these things about me in the way he's said them, I'd be taking a hard look at myself and my responsibility in the relationship. And yes, I've been cheated on. Did it hurt? Yes, but it also takes two to tango.
moaningmyrtle Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 When I said he doesn't speak disrespectfully of her, I meant that he doesn't call her names, doesn't speak angrily of her, etc... Telling me why he's unhappy isn't disrespectful. If he was calling her a f****** b****, that WOULD be disrespectful. What he's told me about the marriage has been very matter of fact and because I asked. And I'm not arguing that having the affair isn't disrespectful in itself. To answer your question: If I found out that my significant other was saying these things about me in the way he's said them, I'd be taking a hard look at myself and my responsibility in the relationship. And yes, I've been cheated on. Did it hurt? Yes, but it also takes two to tango. Well you did wonder and I answered - I'll reiterate what I said before: "If you cannot see how utterly disrespectful he has both spoken of her and behaved towards her, then yes he is certainly pulling the wool over your eyes. I'm being harsh but you did wonder." Being disrespectful is not confined to calling someone rude names in my opinion. It's great that you would try take responsibility if your SO spoke of you this way. I hope she will be given the same opportunity.
Author Austen Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Thanks for your posts--I really do appreciate them And I hope she has the opportunity as well--because there is her side to the story (one which I'll never hear). I'm here trying to get my head screwed back on straight and to decide what to do. Cheating is never a good situation. I have actually seen it work out where the unhappy husband did find happiness and a long marriage with his OW (they're still together after 15 years), but I know that is the rare exception. More often, I've seen it end badly. Not all cheaters are players, but many are, and telling the difference is tricky and one I'm currently struggling with. It's difficult, if not impossible, for me to gain an objective perspective on this since I'm right smack in the middle of it...so thanks again for you input, Myrtle.
pureinheart Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 There is a difference between being disrespectful and venting and letting another individual know the nature of the problem at hand.
pureinheart Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Austen, Many M and R are based on "doing the right thing" and I would be curious to know the D rate. My heart goes out to you and I will be hoping all good things for you. IMO he needs to get out of the M and quick....as for you, this is a very difficult situation for you, I can't even begin to communicate the pain and heartache involved. You might possibly get a lot of immature, uncaring replies...please disregard them as "eating the chicken and spitting out the bones", also please keep posting as you will get a lot of help also.... GBU and keep us posted....and most of all WELCOME!!!!!
Author Austen Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Austen, Many M and R are based on "doing the right thing" and I would be curious to know the D rate. My heart goes out to you and I will be hoping all good things for you. IMO he needs to get out of the M and quick....as for you, this is a very difficult situation for you, I can't even begin to communicate the pain and heartache involved. You might possibly get a lot of immature, uncaring replies...please disregard them as "eating the chicken and spitting out the bones", also please keep posting as you will get a lot of help also.... GBU and keep us posted....and most of all WELCOME!!!!! Thank-you, Pureinheart! Yes, this is an extremely difficult situation, but I am a strong person, and I know I can work my way through this. It's nice to be able to post and get some of it off my chest, and to hear input from others. I feel like my MM is standing on the precipice of a decision, and whatever he chooses, it needs to be what's best for him and his kids, not what's best for me. Any hurt I go through is minimal compared to the hurt he's experiencing. He has a family. I don't. And I can't expect him to change his life after only knowing me mere months. My gut tells me that he's not "playing" me--that he truly is lost. But at some point, I'll have to step back and let him work it out all on his own. Thanks for your support, Pureinheart. It's much appreciated!
crystal_lostheart Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 (edited) Well you did wonder and I answered - I'll reiterate what I said before: "If you cannot see how utterly disrespectful he has both spoken of her and behaved towards her, then yes he is certainly pulling the wool over your eyes. I'm being harsh but you did wonder." Being disrespectful is not confined to calling someone rude names in my opinion. It's great that you would try take responsibility if your SO spoke of you this way. I hope she will be given the same opportunity. Don't think you needed to reiterate anything. I'm sure she could read your first post quite clearly. I think as a new member, I'm sure she is just looking for some sound advice and support. Edited January 7, 2010 by crystal_lostheart
greengoddess Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Austen, Many M and R are based on "doing the right thing" and I would be curious to know the D rate. My heart goes out to you and I will be hoping all good things for you. IMO he needs to get out of the M and quick....as for you, this is a very difficult situation for you, I can't even begin to communicate the pain and heartache involved. You might possibly get a lot of immature, uncaring replies...please disregard them as "eating the chicken and spitting out the bones", also please keep posting as you will get a lot of help also.... GBU and keep us posted....and most of all WELCOME!!!!! So your support is I'll be thinking good thoughts for you and people are mean ignore them? Have you offered any advice any help any way to tell what direction she should go. Do you think a man with PTSD, who is married, has three kids under ten and cheated on his wife WITH HER BEST FRIEND (gross the ultimate of disrepect) is someone she should become involved with? If your daughter came to you with this story would you say oh honey I will think about you. It should all work out nice? Austen RUN. This relationship is new enough you can end it now before you get in deeper. This will bring you nothing but heartache and drama. These people the man and wife are both a huge drama making mess playing games with one another. Read read and read more on this forum and you will see all the heartache the ow's have been through. Don't waste another day of your life on this man. You probably feel he needs you, his wife just yells at him and you can be there for him. Don't be with a man who needs you. Be with one who loves you who you can respect. How can you respect a man who cheats on his wife with her own bestfriend. Blech you just don't go there. RUN!!! You don't need this pain or for that matter an instant family of three kids under ten!!!
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 PTSD-strike one Listened to a "friend" tell him his wife was cheating and then slept with that friend, who later dumped him-strike two Cheating with you and said former friend, seems pretty disrespectful to me-strike three Not generalizing, but there is a higher incidence of cheating in the military, especially during war times, yet he didn't partake. Entirely possible, highly unlikely-strike four. Continues to lie to the wife even when confronted and could end his marriage and walk away....gaslighting- strike five and six. Sounds like a gem of a person.
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Thank-you, Pureinheart! Yes, this is an extremely difficult situation, but I am a strong person, and I know I can work my way through this. It's nice to be able to post and get some of it off my chest, and to hear input from others. I feel like my MM is standing on the precipice of a decision, and whatever he chooses, it needs to be what's best for him and his kids, not what's best for me. Any hurt I go through is minimal compared to the hurt he's experiencing. He has a family. I don't. And I can't expect him to change his life after only knowing me mere months. My gut tells me that he's not "playing" me--that he truly is lost. But at some point, I'll have to step back and let him work it out all on his own. Thanks for your support, Pureinheart. It's much appreciated! He isn't trying to end the chaos in his life he is adding to it. Wouldn't it be wise to step out and let this mess come to an end. Your presence only adds to the chaos with 3 children involved.
jwi71 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Umm... he's told you lots about his wife; ie: - moody - cheats on him - controlling - shouts - puts him down - threatens to leave him - already suspects him of cheating - has been violent towards him - locked him out of home - disliked by his family and his co-workers - Plus he's miserable and cheated on her with her best friend and now you. Austen, this is the standard list of lies and excuses. I posted, in a sarcastic tone, almost the SAME LIST in the the thread "Disgusted by these MM" (or similar) by mybrowneyedgirl...look for it....can't be more than two days ago. Here's WHY you should look for it: It's complete and utter bullshyte. HE is twisting things around to make his disgusting behavior sound noble. Poor him, stayed for the kids...poor him, its HIS duty and he suffers so. Poor him...all bullshyte designed to make HIM the victim. He's not. He's the villain. People who are cheating want affairs not divorces. People who want divorces get them. You are nothing more than a diversion. You are NOT his first and likely not his last. I would believe virtually nothing this dog says. Plenty of RED FLAGS...he's coughed up "the list", cheated before and lies like a cheap rug...all of this YOU KNOW ALREADY. So, I would cut and run. It ONLY gets worse for YOU.
Snowflower Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Hello, I'm new to the forum. I've been visiting for a while as a guest but finally decided to join today. Posting this feels odd, but maybe it will be cathartic and help me sort out this jumble in my head. I met the MM in September and we started our "relationship" in mid-October. We only see each other once or twice a month, but we text and chat almost every day and we talk on the phone once or twice a week. I'm 32, he's 39. He's been married to someone 10 years younger than him since 2001. The have three children under the age of 10. He's a war vet with PTSD. He said when he came back from his deployments things weren't good at home. His wife cheated on him before they ever got married, but she became pregnant with his child, so he "did the right thing". When he came back from Iraq, his wife's best friend told him that his wife had been cheating on him while he was overseas. Well, he and the best friend ended up having a brief affair, but she met someone and moved on. According to him, she and I have been his only affairs. He's very passive and never confronted his wife about her cheating. If I believe what he tells me, she's very controlling, moody, yells a lot, and puts him down frequently. He says he's been very unhappy the past couple years. He's never brought up the idea of separation to her, but she's threatened him with it multiple times. I will say this about him--he's never spoken of her disrespectfully. He's really struggled with our situation to the point that he even talked to his pastor a couple weeks ago about our affair. He says he's not sure what his feelings for his wife are anymore. He's mentioned the idea of divorce to me several times, and has even talked about child custody, and where he would stay. But at this point, he's definitely in limbo. He's been very honest with me about his feelings. He says he has feelings for me, but that I shouldn't be the only reason he would change his whole life and divorce. He says he should do it for his own reasons, and I completely agree with that. Sex has not been frequent, and we've gone through periods of not having any because we both felt guilty. His kids are the center of his world, and that's the way it should be. I've made it clear to him that if he and his wife did go their separate ways, there would be plenty of room in my life for his children, and that I understand that they are number one in his life. He tells me that he doesn't want me to end it, but that he'd understand if I did. He says he needs time to figure out what to do, and that he could see us together if his marriage ended. But he's also said that he can't make any promises. And last week he told me that even though it would be hard, he'd rather see me with someone else now and be happy than to have me waiting around for "us" to begin somewhere down the road. I've told him that if we continue, his wife will catch him. He doesn't seem to care about that very much. She even confronted him last week about how much he and I are in contact. But he continues to communicate with me. All it's gonna take is her looking at the cell phone bill and seeing the hundreds of texts, and she's gonna know. But I have a gut feeling she suspects already. Yes, part of me feels guilty. But I also believe that people have the right to not be miserable. While he's never spoken disrespectfully about his wife, he has mentioned the things I noted above as well as the fact that she's hit him and locked him out of the house. He said he told co-workers in the past that if anything ever happened to him, she probably did it. His family apparently doesn't like her, and his siblings have asked him why he doesn't leave. His response is that he's a coward. Anyway, that's enough for now. Some days I feel okay with everything and like I can give him the time he needs, and other days I feel like I'm gonna explode. And I wonder if he's really pulling the wool over my eyes or is he genuinely conflicted and seriously working toward a decision. Thanks for letting me vent here and regain some of my sanity Austen, welcome to LS! Read your post again here. Can you see that most everything you write is about HIM, HIM, HIM and HIS marriage and HIS issues. What about you? What about your feelings and your relationship with him? I realize you are just venting here but what about what you want? What is in this relationship for YOU, Austen? It seems like all your MM is doing a lot of taking and not as much giving...
Snowflower Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I feel like my MM is standing on the precipice of a decision, and whatever he chooses, it needs to be what's best for him and his kids, not what's best for me. Any hurt I go through is minimal compared to the hurt he's experiencing. He has a family. I don't. And I can't expect him to change his life after only knowing me mere months. /QUOTE] While it's good that you know you can't expect him to change his life after knowing you for only a few months...again I ask, what do you want from this relationship with this MM? ''...not what's best for me." Don't let him do this to you...your needs are important too. It's not all about him. Run, don't walk away, from this mess of a man. You deserve better!
hopeless4u Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Hello, I'm new to the forum. I've been visiting for a while as a guest but finally decided to join today. Posting this feels odd, but maybe it will be cathartic and help me sort out this jumble in my head. I met the MM in September and we started our "relationship" in mid-October. We only see each other once or twice a month, but we text and chat almost every day and we talk on the phone once or twice a week. I'm 32, he's 39. He's been married to someone 10 years younger than him since 2001. The have three children under the age of 10. He's a war vet with PTSD. He said when he came back from his deployments things weren't good at home. His wife cheated on him before they ever got married, but she became pregnant with his child, so he "did the right thing". When he came back from Iraq, his wife's best friend told him that his wife had been cheating on him while he was overseas. Well, he and the best friend ended up having a brief affair, but she met someone and moved on. According to him, she and I have been his only affairs. He's very passive and never confronted his wife about her cheating. If I believe what he tells me, she's very controlling, moody, yells a lot, and puts him down frequently. He says he's been very unhappy the past couple years. He's never brought up the idea of separation to her, but she's threatened him with it multiple times. I will say this about him--he's never spoken of her disrespectfully. He's really struggled with our situation to the point that he even talked to his pastor a couple weeks ago about our affair. He says he's not sure what his feelings for his wife are anymore. He's mentioned the idea of divorce to me several times, and has even talked about child custody, and where he would stay. But at this point, he's definitely in limbo. He's been very honest with me about his feelings. He says he has feelings for me, but that I shouldn't be the only reason he would change his whole life and divorce. He says he should do it for his own reasons, and I completely agree with that. Sex has not been frequent, and we've gone through periods of not having any because we both felt guilty. His kids are the center of his world, and that's the way it should be. I've made it clear to him that if he and his wife did go their separate ways, there would be plenty of room in my life for his children, and that I understand that they are number one in his life. He tells me that he doesn't want me to end it, but that he'd understand if I did. He says he needs time to figure out what to do, and that he could see us together if his marriage ended. But he's also said that he can't make any promises. And last week he told me that even though it would be hard, he'd rather see me with someone else now and be happy than to have me waiting around for "us" to begin somewhere down the road. I've told him that if we continue, his wife will catch him. He doesn't seem to care about that very much. She even confronted him last week about how much he and I are in contact. But he continues to communicate with me. All it's gonna take is her looking at the cell phone bill and seeing the hundreds of texts, and she's gonna know. But I have a gut feeling she suspects already. Yes, part of me feels guilty. But I also believe that people have the right to not be miserable. While he's never spoken disrespectfully about his wife, he has mentioned the things I noted above as well as the fact that she's hit him and locked him out of the house. He said he told co-workers in the past that if anything ever happened to him, she probably did it. His family apparently doesn't like her, and his siblings have asked him why he doesn't leave. His response is that he's a coward. Anyway, that's enough for now. Some days I feel okay with everything and like I can give him the time he needs, and other days I feel like I'm gonna explode. And I wonder if he's really pulling the wool over my eyes or is he genuinely conflicted and seriously working toward a decision. Thanks for letting me vent here and regain some of my sanity I am an xOW. I was with my xMM for 2yrs, hoping he would sort his life out, he didn't. The pain you will suffer if you stay in this situation is unimaginable to what you are going through now, believe me, I have been there and still am!! My advice is for you to step back, let him sort/end his M and if you are still single and still have feelings for him when he has then start from the beginning with him and see where it takes you. ((hugs))
Hazyhead Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I agree with most here - that you should step back and let him sort his life out. One valuable thing I have read a number of times on these forums is that you should follow actions and not words. The things he is telling you about his wife may or may not be true, but this is not your problem - your problem is that he is sucking you into them. It's hard, I know (going through the same kinda action), to step back, but sometimes it's the best thing for everyone.
Author Austen Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Thank you all for your thoughtful replies to my post. I'm reading and re-reading them and trying to soak in and process all you've said. And I don't want to be one of those posters who puts something out there and never comes back So, I'll write more in the coming days, but for now, just need some time.
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