SadKitty78 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Ok, guys I am confused! Ex and I broke up New Years day over a NYE's fight, which I started I guess, but that was because he never communicates and was cold and controlling at times! I apologized via text and email and phone calls and then when he called me, he let me apologize and plead for another chance (I know, so embarrassing!!!!) until I was blue in the face, and then he told me "No, it's over, don't want to be with you, blah blah!!!!" He then gave me limited access on FB and ignored me when I asked that we talk about it (to either get back together or to allow me to have closure to heal). Instead, he DEPRIVED me of that, which forced me to heal on my OWN through the ears of my wonderful friends, LS, and just getting over it on my own! Day 6 and I am getting better each day, albeit still hard moments! Packed up all gifts he gave me and threw them in a box, filed away all photos, etc, then started NC. Out of the blue today he texts me saying, "I'm not sure what happened, can we talk?" On one hand, I had so desperately wanted to talk so I could have closure, but NO, he DEPRIVED me of it, forcing me to get over it on my own, and now, HE decides he needs to talk so HE can heal?!!!!! What do I do? I needed this so desperately several days ago and now I don't think I need it anymore! Or do I? Am I just saying this because he contacted me?! Do you guys recommend talking to him or doing what he did to me and DEPRIVE him? Also, take away the tit-for-tat aspects, but at this point, would talking to him hurt me more or actually benefit me?! HELP! Thanks for your suggestions and advice!!!
HLP234 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 He told you no its over, and then I guess if you initiated and continued NC, you could keep it up. I'm not sure where talking to them will get anything out of it for you. Its up to you but if I were hurt by what they did, I would not respond. But in order to not respond you must makes sure to accept and tell your self you are getting over him/are already over him. You could just say something and sound not needy at all, stay cool see what he wants. But then you may get hurt if you have high hopes and have to start NC again.
bananaboat11 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 If you really see the relationship is over... I'm sorry to say, against my own better judgement... tell him "I tried X days ago, sadly you didn't. Moving on... (bring up random topic if you want or hang up here)"
gaudi Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 What do I do? I needed this so desperately several days ago and now I don't think I need it anymore! Or do I? Am I just saying this because he contacted me?! If you don't think you need it anymore, then I would say forget it, don't respond and leave it all in the past. If he thinks he's made a mistake it's up to him to prove it to you. I would not respond, his next move will tell you how he really feels.
TaraMaiden Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Gone NC? Been NC? Stay NC. That simple. It messes with your mind when they get back in touch (just like it's messing with yours now.....) So really, the best thing is, to leave it, not respond, and block him. Close every avenue, every which way.... Please, don't even bother reading his messages, texts or listen to his VM's. THAT'S what's messing with your head. Not the fact that he's been in touch... the fact that you've even aknowledged it.....
Wicker_Parked Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 (edited) never let the dumper dictate when they can make you feel bad and when it is convenient to come into your life. you have to take control by playing hard to get..i spent 6 months of my ex just coming into my life whenever she felt like it. E.G her: i just wanted to call you and hear your voice, how hav u been, what have you been up to? Me: well ive been..................... then two days later Me: hey so how have u been what are you up 2? her: why are u calling me? i dont want u to know anything about wat im doing me: but....why are you allowed to call me but me not call you... Fail!..... As a dumpee myself, just put em on no contact, then play hard to get - then completeley forget about em, is the only way! Oh i just remembered, the last time we met up (awkward silence.....) her: so what have you been up to in the last month me: well ive been.....blah blah etc me: so what about u, what have you been up to? her: were not having this conversation..... me: (stunned,bewildered) ok....well i also did this and this..... will i ever learn?! If you can post your problems on LS then you should be able to know what your doing wrong right? : ) Edited January 7, 2010 by Wicker_Parked
gaudi Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 her: i just wanted to call you and hear your voice, how hav u been, what have you been up to? Me: well ive been..................... then two days later Me: hey so how have u been what are you up 2? her: why are u calling me? i dont want u to know anything about wat im doing me: but....why are you allowed to call me but me not call you... Oh dear, that's twisted.
stillafool Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Warning: Leave him alone. He will suck you back into a well of pain just through useless conversations. Let him find his own way of healing.
Wicker_Parked Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 totally, twisted, total bi-polar borderline to the extreme, and thing is i was just really nice about it...but she will call after a month or so and i always pick up...im just too nice... Oh get this she will even chuck in her: so whats your plans for the next 6 months? me: well i want to do this, then this and then... arrrgh....it stops today ok! i promise
LovelyDaze Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 totally, twisted, total bi-polar borderline to the extreme, and thing is i was just really nice about it...but she will call after a month or so and i always pick up...im just too nice... Oh get this she will even chuck in her: so whats your plans for the next 6 months? me: well i want to do this, then this and then... arrrgh....it stops today ok! i promise Oh my. Wicker_Parked, your situation is an example of why we dumpees need to stay NC. My ex also kept making empty promises of this and that even the ultimate...asking for me to come back! He never changed so I couldn't and he turned right around and allowed his recent fiance' to contact him again(he had deleted her from Facebook & MySpace) the very next day! Our exes have some serious issues when they decide to leave our life and then want to slither back in a nudge without a real commitment. Forget it. I am sick of being hurt. I am staying NC for good from my ex. I hope all do the same.
ginyi1111 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Well it really depends what you want from him. I know you are doing a great job with NC and moving on without him, and you have reached a point that you can imagine life without him, beginning to see a tiny light in the far distance. If you would want to have a second go with him I would respond to him...in time, dont jump at it tho. But after all these time of reflection maybe you realise you do not want him back...continue with NC. Seems like everyone here is against you responding to him but shouldnt it only be like that when you dont want him back? Why punish yourself when it might be just the thing that you want?
Author SadKitty78 Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Thank you for everyone's advice and encouragement! It's making it a lot easier for me. I haven't responded yet, taking my sweet ol' time!!!! ginyi1111: Thanks for pointing out that if I wanted him back, this is the opportunity to at least explore that possibility. The problem here is that I'm not sure what I want. I'm afraid re-opening dialogue might propel me back to square one if he really is just now using me to heal and not to really work on getting back together. On the other hand, if he does want to work at it, the question is, do I want to get back with him? Do I want to be with someone controlling, who demands that things happen on his terms?! On the other hand, we were compatible in many other ways. I think I'll take this time for self reflection and see what it is that I want, and if I do want to get back with him, and it doesn't happen, that'll be alright with that too!
LovelyDaze Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Thank you for everyone's advice and encouragement! It's making it a lot easier for me. I haven't responded yet, taking my sweet ol' time!!!! ginyi1111: Thanks for pointing out that if I wanted him back, this is the opportunity to at least explore that possibility. The problem here is that I'm not sure what I want. I'm afraid re-opening dialogue might propel me back to square one if he really is just now using me to heal and not to really work on getting back together. On the other hand, if he does want to work at it, the question is, do I want to get back with him? Do I want to be with someone controlling, who demands that things happen on his terms?! On the other hand, we were compatible in many other ways. I think I'll take this time for self reflection and see what it is that I want, and if I do want to get back with him, and it doesn't happen, that'll be alright with that too! Don't forget Sadkitty78, take your time. Don't be to anxious if he does want to get back together. Listen to your gut and watch for those red flags that might pop up back behind his head. But if it is killing you, go for the throat and just ask him if he wants to get back together or not. The answer might hurt like hell and that might have to be what you need to move on.
Author SadKitty78 Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 By the way, I forgot to add, you have gotten the big break/second chance that many people on here would have BEGGED or DIED FOR to get...getting that message from the Ex asking to work it out and have a second chance...even if it was only to ease the pain. Good luck with whatever you choose... Thank you for your insight! You summed it up very well that it boils down to what it is that I want. I have to reiterate, however, that he contacted me merely to TALK about it now that HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT....it's too premature to assume that he wants to work it out. It could be for his own closure. I wanted to talk to him several days ago when the issue was fresh, either to have my own closure or to work it out, and he just ignored me. So I guess I'll just let it simmer for awhile until I am clear about what it is that I want!
Wicker_Parked Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 thanks for your insight LovelyDaze, my ex like yours has someone on the side she plays like me, the only thing i have an advantage apparently is that i have know her longer by 5 years and that we connect better. She says he even looks like me, but when i give her no attention guess who she goes crawling back to. Just like me she will find out the info and gossip about what he is up to then goes back to either me or something else that has caught her eye. Come on guys we know we are all better than this and deserve better. but why is it sooo bloody hard : )
LovelyDaze Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 thanks for your insight LovelyDaze, my ex like yours has someone on the side she plays like me, the only thing i have an advantage apparently is that i have know her longer by 5 years and that we connect better. She says he even looks like me, but when i give her no attention guess who she goes crawling back to. Just like me she will find out the info and gossip about what he is up to then goes back to either me or something else that has caught her eye. Come on guys we know we are all better than this and deserve better. but why is it sooo bloody hard : ) You're very welcome! It's hard because we attached this person to our hearts and integrated them into our lives. It's almost like our ex is an appendage of some sort and it feels like we have a freshly cut severed arm when they leave. But hell, our ex is a mangled, chopped up, gangrene-infested arm that MUST be let go and stay gone in the biohazard can! You'd rather learn to live without it then have that mess attached to you, right? We have to keep striving to move on forward without our exes. And you are so right, we deserve better and obviously KNOW that!
Author SadKitty78 Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Ex just contacted again! About 4 texts now! Confusing me!!!
gaudi Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 It's almost like our ex is an appendage of some sort and it feels like we have a freshly cut severed arm when they leave. But hell, our ex is a mangled, chopped up, gangrene-infested arm that MUST be let go and stay gone in the biohazard can! You'd rather learn to live without it then have that mess attached to you, right? HA HA HA !! How do you do it LD ?? You seem to have a knack for summing up the kind of things were going through, and making sense of our seemingly senseless situations!! As for you Sadkitty, what's confusing you ?? Has he yet sent you a text with a clear indication that he wants you back ?? I bet he hasn't.....
hoping2heal Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Um, he let you beg for an hour only to shut you down? Umm..you know what he is? He's a DRAMA-FEIND. He treated you like crap and that will NOT change if you two did "work it out". He loves drama, loves it, craves it, needs it, thrives in it. G-R-O-S-S. So, do you want to be happy? Then take your 200 dollars and please pass go (buh bye) You want to have a drama filled roller coaster? By all means, text that little jerkoff back.
LovelyDaze Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 HA HA HA !! How do you do it LD ?? You seem to have a knack for summing up the kind of things were going through, and making sense of our seemingly senseless situations!! LMAO! Hey gaudi, thanks! I just FEEL like that and start writing. I know we all have this attachment to our ex that seems so hard to break and it should be if you really loved someone. But we know that most of our exes let US go..so we should detach ASAP and get to the business of healing.
LovelyDaze Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Um, he let you beg for an hour only to shut you down? Umm..you know what he is? He's a DRAMA-FEIND. He treated you like crap and that will NOT change if you two did "work it out". He loves drama, loves it, craves it, needs it, thrives in it. G-R-O-S-S. So, do you want to be happy? Then take your 200 dollars and please pass go (buh bye) You want to have a drama filled roller coaster? By all means, text that little jerkoff back. Listen to hoping2heal, She gives no-nonsense advice. A lot of exes LOVE drama and they could care less who it hurts. If you want to put a nice finale on what your ex thinks of you, contact them so they can hurt you a little bit more. My ex pushed that dagger so far that it went through the damn wall. No more. Try to see the light that your ex has made you shut that door. Good. Because there is another door open, wanting you to come in and be happier...
Austen Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Ex just contacted again! About 4 texts now! Confusing me!!! You need to decide if you still want a relationship with him. People say things they often don't mean when they are angry. You guys got in a big argument in which you put him on the defensive (not saying you were wrong, but when you call out a significant other on a shortcoming, often their first reaction is not their best reaction). So he was hurt and angry and told you he wanted to end it. That may have been a knee-jerk reaction on his part due to being upset. Now he's had time to retreat to his cave, think about things, and when he emerged, he realized he hadn't heard from you. That is sending him into panic mode, and now he's trying to regain some control of the situation, because you took the control away by not contacting him (good girl, by the way). So...what do you want from him? Do you just want it to be done? Or do you want closure before it ends for good? Or do you want to give the relationship another chance? Hang in there!
meerkat stew Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 First of all, it's only been six days, your OP is so dramatic with all the "Depriving" talk that one could infer it had been six weeks. Consider dropping the over the top dramatic tone. It's not helping your situation. If you are speaking to him in the tone of your OP, no wonder he's not responding in the way you want. You broke up on NYD over a fight started NYE that you started. Because we don't know more about this fight, there is no clear-cut dumpee. In fact, he may even have thought you dumped him initially. We don't know any details whatsoever of what was said in the phone call when you asked for another chance. Was there fighting? Harsh words? A rehash of the NYD fight? Since we don't know, we have to assume both of you handled things poorly on that contact. How exactly has he ignored you on FB? Never mind, it's irrelevant. Please consider dropping any ideas of game-playing and sit down with him FACE TO FACE to have a discussion. Please consider dropping the "well well well ex contacted" tone pronto. That's the title of a thread where there has been NC for weeks, not a few days. Please consider terminating all further texts, phone calls, emails until you sit down face-to-face. That is if you want to explore reconciling and not continue to play silly back and forth drama games. He could probably use the same advice, not just picking on you. You each sound like you have engaged in your share of childish behavior here. It's possible that the dramatic tone of your OP has misled other posters into thinking this has been going on longer than it has. If so, they might not be so hardcore in the NC and ignoring camp. One last thing that you have probably learned. Lay off the fight-picking on holidays unless your SO does something outrageous, there's enough stress in the air already during those times.
meerkat stew Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Just read your other thread, yes, you definitely need to drop the standard NC routine and sit down face to face immediately. If drinking causes you to behave as you did on NYE, please consider stopping drinking altogether. Did anyone you know see you slam the car door and run off? If so, it could be extremely embarrassing for your BF and cause anger that could last for several days. I've dumped women on the spot for less than you describe in that thread. Not trying to beat you up, but have been there several times in this exact situation, and have a fair hunch of how your BF may feel. Stop the back and forth texting and one-up games immediately. drop the drama-laden attitude, and sit down face to face ASAP if you want to save your relationship.
control24 Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 i have to say maybe we were dating the same 'boy' or maybe they're brothers. i'm going thru the SAME thing you are going thru. my ex-boyfriend and i broke up this week. we stopped talking on tuesday night after he bailed on plans we made that i had pre-paid for ::rolling eyes::. he said we should do things on another day b/c he had made other plans w/ one of his best friends. he never replied to the message i sent after that basically said "what? i already bought the tickets and told you i had a babysitter lined up?" and.... no response. silence...crickets since tuesday night. i tried to call him on thursday. nothing. no response. i left a voicemail. a simple "???" text... nothing. silence. this is not totally new he seems to have reverted back to 'lack of communication mode' that we haven't seen in a very long time. between that and his other recent behavior I took back the power and ended it. sadly via text b/c he wouldn't reply to my message. and believe me... i'm no stalker chick AT ALL. I give LOTS of space. I need lots of space myself and am a single mom so i don't have a lot of time to give to someone else. So needless to say- I too am in a similar boat. It hurts. I stopped contact on Thursday told him he wouldn't hear from me again. Not going to lie, had hoped he would have replied with 'don't go' or otherwise. Nope... crickets. But I'm keeping busy w/ school, with friends, and trying not to get too emotional about it. his 'mo' is to call. it's only been 4 days really since i've heard from him. I give him 7-10 before he gives in and realizes how much he misses me. honestly. i just don't know how i will reply either.
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