give your take as harsh as it may be...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

so my xmm. after dday, threw me under the bus, confessed his love to his wife, started MC immediately.

 

well a few months later hes back. still in MC with her, still trying to do right by her, telling me hes in love with me and just cant shake it. has no intentions of being with me, wants her, but at the same time is trying to talk with me telling me the feelings never stopped.

 

so all of those BS out there what is your experience with situations like this? after DDAy did you believe that it really stopped? did you go to MC thinking he was NC and was transparent and doing everything to make it right?

 

it makes me lose TONS of respect for him. it seemed like a whole different situation before she knew. but now that she does, and hes still chasing me, does she really think hes ended it?

[2sunny]

i'm sure she believes anything she wants to believe until she has proof that what she believes doesn't exist.

 

all i can say right now is that your MM is perfectly mean and untrustworthy. his evidence tells us that - at the minimum.

 

the question for you is... why is that adequate for you to settle for a man such as this?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Ha. Not settling for him one bit. In fact I'm having quite the time playing the game and telling him to F*** off. the harder he chases the faster I run. I'm talking to him, but not because I want him. There is no more R between us and I dont want one. I just cant believe he would sink so low as to come after me while saying all of these things to her.

 

I just find it crazy that she would trust him. He lied to her for over 3 years!!! Why trust him after a dday? I'm just trying to gain some insight into how BS think.

[2sunny]

Ha. Not settling for him one bit. In fact I'm having quite the time playing the game and telling him to F*** off. the harder he chases the faster I run. I'm talking to him, but not because I want him. There is no more R between us and I dont want one. I just cant believe he would sink so low as to come after me while saying all of these things to her.

 

I just find it crazy that she would trust him. He lied to her for over 3 years!!! Why trust him after a dday? I'm just trying to gain some insight into how BS think.

 

you never know... she may be letting him cook his own goose...

[Untouchable_Fire]

so my xmm. after dday, threw me under the bus, confessed his love to his wife, started MC immediately.

well a few months later hes back. still in MC with her, still trying to do right by her, telling me hes in love with me and just cant shake it. has no intentions of being with me, wants her, but at the same time is trying to talk with me telling me the feelings never stopped.

so all of those BS out there what is your experience with situations like this? after DDAy did you believe that it really stopped? did you go to MC thinking he was NC and was transparent and doing everything to make it right?

it makes me lose TONS of respect for him. it seemed like a whole different situation before she knew. but now that she does, and hes still chasing me, does she really think hes ended it?

 

Your mind is still focused on the OM?

 

You should understand who he is as a person at this point. You should also realize how he sees you. Maybe that is why your losing respect for him.

 

Oh, and yes she really thinks he ended this. Why? Because he has created a lie and she is living in it... just like you once did. Can you blame her? You couldn't see through him either.

 

I think your still just upset that he didn't choose you. In your mind your glad he didn't choose you... but that rejection has a nasty hold of your heart.

[whichwayisup]

Two words... EGO TRIP..

 

He may or may not be inlove with you, but he IS addicted to the affair drama and the intensity of it all. He contacts you so he can have his 'fix'..That's not love..It's SELFISH LUST.

 

I keep saying it and I'll say it again. WHO CARES about him. The A is over and you BOTH need to let go and stop playing the ego feed, cat and mouse game.

 

He's married, you're married. IT IS POINTLESS.

 

You also MUST know he is telling you one thing and telling his wife another. Who knows what the real truth is...You'll never know.

 

YOU be the strong one and stop playing his game. Stop listening to him, what he has to say, otherwise you WILL end up back in the affair and the OW. Is that what you want?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

No, no and NO. i'll never be the OW again. somehow things have changed. during the A it didnt bother me to be the OW but now, i couldnt stand the thought of being something on the side.

 

and yes, ive seen what kind of person he really is. youre right, i didnt see through his sh** during the affair. but hes actions afterwards speak volumes. he can never take that back.

 

but i just wonder how or why she could trust him now. does she really think he just dropped all of that like it was nothing? afterall, years of contact and feelings could just stop without a second thought? it seems like a no brainer to me.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Two words... EGO TRIP..

He may or may not be inlove with you, but he IS addicted to the affair drama and the intensity of it all. He contacts you so he can have his 'fix'..That's not love..It's SELFISH LUST.

I keep saying it and I'll say it again. WHO CARES about him. The A is over and you BOTH need to let go and stop playing the ego feed, cat and mouse game.

He's married, you're married. IT IS POINTLESS.

You also MUST know he is telling you one thing and telling his wife another. Who knows what the real truth is...You'll never know.

YOU be the strong one and stop playing his game. Stop listening to him, what he has to say, otherwise you WILL end up back in the affair and the OW. Is that what you want?

 

Your right... this is all about his ego. The manipulation is probably better than sex for him. I've known plenty of guys like this before. He probably has money too.

 

MBEG, this is about your ego too. If you can't let this guy go because he used you... and tossed you out with the trash... then no amount of advice can help.

[whichwayisup]

but i just wonder how or why she could trust him now. does she really think he just dropped all of that like it was nothing? afterall, years of contact and feelings could just stop without a second thought? it seems like a no brainer to me.

 

Instead of focussing on him and what his wife are handling this, worry about yourself and your husband. The EXACT same thing could be said about you. Make sense?

 

YOu've even said it's a game...You're enjoying it too. STOP playing. If you don't you won't heal from this...It's like an obsession! Just...Stop...

[Untouchable_Fire]

and yes, ive seen what kind of person he really is. youre right, i didnt see through his sh** during the affair. but hes actions afterwards speak volumes. he can never take that back.

but i just wonder how or why she could trust him now. does she really think he just dropped all of that like it was nothing? afterall, years of contact and feelings could just stop without a second thought? it seems like a no brainer to me.

 

Your still missing it.

 

The only reason you see through all his s**t is because he tossed you under the bus.

 

Had he filed for divorce and asked you to marry him... your feelings would be massively different about him. Yet that would not make him a different person.

 

Instead he tossed you out... and asked her to continue as his wife. He chose HER. That's why she can't see through his crap.

 

Looking at her should be like looking at a mirror image of you back during the A.

 

Does that make sense?

[BlueeyedJonesy]

"MBEG, this is about your ego too. If you can't let this guy go because he used you... and tossed you out with the trash... then no amount of advice can help"

 

Took the words right outta my mouth. I don't think you should waste your time worrying about this creep. His wife probably has some idea..most men who cheat don't change overnight. She is holding on to the man she loves and having faith in him even though she probably shouldn't.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Instead of focussing on him and what his wife are handling this, worry about yourself and your husband. The EXACT same thing could be said about you. Make sense?

YOu've even said it's a game...You're enjoying it too. STOP playing. If you don't you won't heal from this...It's like an obsession! Just...Stop...

 

MBEG has a need to feel superior to his wife. Like she can see through his garbage and his W can't... which make the W stupid. If she stopped playing the game... the wife would no longer seem so stupid.

 

Don't get me wrong. I think your a nice person MBEG, but your caught up. You need to free yourself. Before you lose the only thing in your life worth having.

[Untouchable_Fire]

"MBEG, this is about your ego too. If you can't let this guy go because he used you... and tossed you out with the trash... then no amount of advice can help"

 

Took the words right outta my mouth. I don't think you should waste your time worrying about this creep. His wife probably has some idea..most men who cheat don't change overnight. She is holding on to the man she loves and having faith in him even though she probably shouldn't.

 

BEJ, I love your perspective. It's fresh and nice. I know in your situation you are trying to make things work with a man you love.

 

In this situation, chances are the guy has money, and she is more hanging onto a lifestyle than a love. That's just my thought.

[2sunny]

even his text just screams "big wusssssy!!!"

 

what the F did i do? come on... he knows EXACTLY what he did - and knows exactly what he's STILL doing.

 

he's still playing a really stupid game of acting all innocent when he's the one who continues to make it this way. he didn't even own his bull$ it! all he did was put the same crap out there that means absolutely nothing with the pretense that it would mean more to you.

 

IF he wanted to use PRECISE words that meant something to you - it might look like this...

 

"i want you to consider taking me back and i have signed divorce papers in hand, would you even consider it?"

 

see how much different precise words and actions speak - more than a few empty words?

[Trimmer]

Your still missing it.

 

The only reason you see through all his s**t is because he tossed you under the bus.

 

Well, you did say harsh was OK - I have to agree with the above. When you say things like these,

 

it makes me lose TONS of respect for him. it seemed like a whole different situation before she knew. but now that she does, and hes still chasing me, does she really think hes ended it?

 

and yes, ive seen what kind of person he really is. youre right, i didnt see through his sh** during the affair. but hes actions afterwards speak volumes. he can never take that back.

 

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe it's just your choice of phrasing above, but it makes you sound like you saw what was going on during the affair as kinda-OK as long as the wife didn't know about it, as if you see the MM-from-back-then as a sorta-respectable character, for as long as he kept his secret discreetly.

 

It's not only his actions afterward which speak volumes about his character, it's his actions DURING the affair which speak volumes to anyone who is able to listen objectively. Viewed that way, his deceptive and unfaithful actions after the affair are completely in character, aren't they?

 

Philosophically, there's not much difference between his actions during and after the affair, except that "during" you were the beneficiary, and "after," you are on the outside. Either way, his wife is betrayed and deceived - fundamentally, that hasn't really changed, has it?

Edited January 7, 2010 by Trimmer

[moaningmyrtle]

so my xmm. after dday, threw me under the bus, confessed his love to his wife, started MC immediately.

 

well a few months later hes back. still in MC with her, still trying to do right by her, telling me hes in love with me and just cant shake it. has no intentions of being with me, wants her, but at the same time is trying to talk with me telling me the feelings never stopped.

 

so all of those BS out there what is your experience with situations like this? after DDAy did you believe that it really stopped? did you go to MC thinking he was NC and was transparent and doing everything to make it right?

 

it makes me lose TONS of respect for him. it seemed like a whole different situation before she knew. but now that she does, and hes still chasing me, does she really think hes ended it?

 

You asked for the BW perspective and experience on this.

 

I think the MM that only "pretend" to their BWs that they are NC with the OW after d-day are truly despicable. I know that even now I feel sick just thinking about it.

 

I suppose this says something about me - and I'm pretty sure that it is a major fear of mine. About 2 weeks after our d-day my H finally admitted that there had been a phone call from the OW about a week after d-day. Several months later at my request he sent me a folder of some of their e-mails to each other (just the last year) and there were 2 e-mails sent at the same time (ie a week after d-day). He said she had called him so he responded by e-mail and that she had responded to this e-mail and that was all it ever was.

 

The thing was that he lied to me post d-day, as every day I asked if he'd had any contact with her and every day he said "no" until 2 weeks later he admitted to receiving just the one phone call. So when 4 months later I discovered there had been 2 e-mails as well I was utterly devastated.

 

We are now doing a good job at rebuilding our relationship and I'm starting to trust him again. The only contact I discovered after d-day that he'd lied about was in the first 2 weeks. There was additional contact several months later but he told me about that and I was there more recently when he phoned her about paternity testing for the child born during the A.

 

To answer your question, yes I believe they are not in contact now but it is a matter of faith and trust on my part and I already know that it is so easy to betray.

 

My advice is to tell him that you intend to tell his W every time he speaks to you. I suspect that in some way the attention validates you though so you won't actively discourage him. I don't really blame you for this because you have been through a very hard time; but as a BW it is a little frustrating seeing you post to LS implying you want to discourage him but you not taking any real steps to do so.

[Trimmer]

Profound, this:

I suspect that in some way the attention validates you though so you won't actively discourage him.

Which is more painful to consider: (1) your current situation, in which you disrespect him but know that he still values you and seeks your attention, or (2) the idea that he might truly turn things around, make some kind of an honest attempt at reconciliation, assuming that included completely cutting you off, ignoring you, and to all appearances, thinking of you with ambivalence and living like you didn't exist?

[Spark1111]

Or maybe, the wife, like me, didn't care if he had continued contact with his OW!

 

I knew, but kept quiet about it.

 

He's begging, BEGGING to reconcile with me, while still contacting her. I was in a state of shock at the time and vowed to take one day at a time.

 

Why?

 

Because I remained unsure what I WAS GOING TO DO about HIM. Would I stay? Would I divorce? Until I knew what I FELT and what I WANTED to do, I ALLOWED HIM to play his games with both me and her.

 

Also, I was curious to how long (No offense meant MBEG) she would stay around waiting for his crumbs. I was fascinated in trying to understand the mindset of the OW and interested in learning all I could about her.

 

As I have said before, initially I believe he wanted it to all go back to the way it had been; happy family home and mistress on the side.

 

I waited it out because what did I have to lose at that point?

 

NOTHING.

[bentnotbroken]

you never know... she may be letting him cook his own goose...

 

 

I did.:lmao:The look on his face.

[Lizzie60]

so my xmm. after dday, threw me under the bus, confessed his love to his wife, started MC immediately.

 

well a few months later hes back. still in MC with her, still trying to do right by her, telling me hes in love with me and just cant shake it. has no intentions of being with me, wants her, but at the same time is trying to talk with me telling me the feelings never stopped.

 

so all of those BS out there what is your experience with situations like this? after DDAy did you believe that it really stopped? did you go to MC thinking he was NC and was transparent and doing everything to make it right?

 

it makes me lose TONS of respect for him. it seemed like a whole different situation before she knew. but now that she does, and hes still chasing me, does she really think hes ended it?[/QUOTE]

 

Definitely... she believes it's over..

 

I would never ever take a loser like that back.. no way... if he's thrown you under the bus... wow.. that should be the end for you... why exactly would you take him back.. if she finds out again that it's not over.. he'll start the same game again... and she will probably take him back.. these ba$tards are good at manipulation..

[Blindsidedagainalive]

BS here.

 

The affair has been the most destructive thing I have experienced in my life.

If my STBX was still in contact with OM after Dday, I can't imagine the pain I would have felt.

 

I'm talking to him, but not because I want him.

Then stop contact completely.

 

There is no more R between us and I dont want one. I just cant believe he would sink so low as to come after me while saying all of these things to her.

Believe it.....he cheated on his wife in the first place. Now suddenly he has morals and boundries? Why, because he said so? It takes YEARS of internal work for a cheater to change. You can't believe he is sinking that low? You are doing the same, by talking to him.

 

I just find it crazy that she would trust him. He lied to her for over 3 years!!! Why trust him after a dday? I'm just trying to gain some insight into how BS think.

 

No, I am sure she doesn't trust him. But, I AM sure he is lying to her to regain her trust. How do we think otherwise? Here goes my list.

 

I don't trust anyone, including myself

I have a more negative view of the world

My self esteem has been destroyed.....to the point where I formerly thought i was attractive, and now I don't

I am depressed

I have less hope for the future

I am anxious

I dont sleep well

Both STBX and I lost our jobs as a result of her affair

Our finances have been detroyed

I have considered suicide many times since the affair

Both STBX and i have lost friends over the affair

Both STBX and i have strained family relationships due to the affair

Both STBX and i have gotten physically ill over the affair

 

There are many more ways her affair has destroyed our lives.

 

The point is ....he is who he is.

Thats it.

If you were dating Joe Stalin or Adolph Hitler, I am sure you would pose the WHYS.

He is who he is......

 

WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM?

WHY ARE YOU WONDERING WHAT HIS WIFE THINKS.

 

This is what you need to examine.

No contact is SO ridiculously easy.

It goes like this.

 

Don't ever contact me further.

If he does again.....say.......If you contact me again, I will go to the police and file harrassment charges.

 

Two simple sentences and you are done!

 

Oh, there could be a 3rd.....If he calls ...GO TO THE POLICE.

 

Then my dear, you are done, quite simple.

But, I have a feeling that you dont want that.

[eeyore1981]

BS here.

 

The affair has been the most destructive thing I have experienced in my life.

If my STBX was still in contact with OM after Dday, I can't imagine the pain I would have felt.

 

I'm talking to him, but not because I want him.

Then stop contact completely.

 

There is no more R between us and I dont want one. I just cant believe he would sink so low as to come after me while saying all of these things to her.

Believe it.....he cheated on his wife in the first place. Now suddenly he has morals and boundries? Why, because he said so? It takes YEARS of internal work for a cheater to change. You can't believe he is sinking that low? You are doing the same, by talking to him.

 

I just find it crazy that she would trust him. He lied to her for over 3 years!!! Why trust him after a dday? I'm just trying to gain some insight into how BS think.

 

No, I am sure she doesn't trust him. But, I AM sure he is lying to her to regain her trust. How do we think otherwise? Here goes my list.

 

I don't trust anyone, including myself

I have a more negative view of the world

My self esteem has been destroyed.....to the point where I formerly thought i was attractive, and now I don't

I am depressed

I have less hope for the future

I am anxious

I dont sleep well

Both STBX and I lost our jobs as a result of her affair

Our finances have been detroyed

I have considered suicide many times since the affair

Both STBX and i have lost friends over the affair

Both STBX and i have strained family relationships due to the affair

Both STBX and i have gotten physically ill over the affair

 

There are many more ways her affair has destroyed our lives.

 

The point is ....he is who he is.

Thats it.

If you were dating Joe Stalin or Adolph Hitler, I am sure you would pose the WHYS.

He is who he is......

 

WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM?

WHY ARE YOU WONDERING WHAT HIS WIFE THINKS.

 

This is what you need to examine.

No contact is SO ridiculously easy.

It goes like this.

 

Don't ever contact me further.

If he does again.....say.......If you contact me again, I will go to the police and file harrassment charges.

 

Two simple sentences and you are done!

 

Oh, there could be a 3rd.....If he calls ...GO TO THE POLICE.

 

Then my dear, you are done, quite simple.

But, I have a feeling that you dont want that.

 

I couldn't agree with this more. She doesn't want it to stop.

 

She questions why his wife would believe after 3 years he could drop all his feelings for her, just like that. Well, how long has he been married to his wife? If he can drop all feelings for his wife after so long to cheat on her, why couldn't he drop all feelings for OW, if there were indeed feelings at all?

 

All I see from OP is obsession with her married man. She claims over and over she is done with him. We shall see.

[Snowflower]

MBEG has a need to feel superior to his wife. Like she can see through his garbage and his W can't... which make the W stupid. If she stopped playing the game... the wife would no longer seem so stupid.

 

Don't get me wrong. I think your a nice person MBEG, but your caught up. You need to free yourself. Before you lose the only thing in your life worth having.

 

Right on point here, Untouch.

 

I will never understand the OW/xOW obsession with the BW and the marriage of the MM and the BW. I would think an OW who was thrown under the bus would be so mad, so hurt (understandably so) that she would be concentrating on herself and her own pain rather than worrying about why the BW is taking the WH back or what the state of their marriage is.

 

BEG, the BW in your situation most likely still loves the same man you do. Yes, she was betrayed and lied to in a most horrible way but she still loves him. This doesn't mean that the BW will necessarily continue the marriage, or believe the lies...it's just that her world has been turned upside down by the affair, just as yours has, MBEG.

 

Despite what is often assumed, the BS doesn't necessarily just up and divorce their WS right away. Divorce is still a major life decision, despite an affair. Perhaps the BW is being pragmatic in her approach and is just biding her time, seemingly believing the lies, until the time is right for her to file for divorce.

 

I do agree that you are appear to take some comfort in the fact that you feel superior to the wife somehow. Like she is stupid for staying with her WH. IDK, maybe that is how you deal with your own pain, by feeling smarter than the wife. Whatever works, I guess.

[PhoenixRise]

MBEG

 

 

It seems to me that you are getting a massive ego boost from the fact that this MM who is saying that he wants his wife and family and as you say he threw you under the bus....is also saying that he can't stop loving you..thinking about you.

 

 

I am beyond sure that the wife is not trusting him at this point. I am beyond sure that her intuition is screaming at her. If she is staying (I think you mentioned there might be a divorce in the works) it is because she believes that the vast majority of her long marriage was good and happy for them both and by comparison your 3 year affair can be put into a context she can live with.

 

OR...maybe she is figuring out for herself what SHE wants...you don't know what is going on in her mind. I don't remember if they have children but if they do, then I am sure that is a factor. AND just because she is staying and trying to reconcile NOW it doesn't mean that her feelings can't change in the coming months/years. Especially if he doesn't pull himself together quick fast and in a hurry and stop using his OW as an emotional crutch.

 

I will say this....lots of intense emotions get stirred up in affairs...many of those emotions feel great to the APs...the passion, the excitement, the element of secrecy, the massive ego boost, the other person thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread...It all feels great.

 

After DDay, a marriage that had become stale or that had some problems to start with starts to feel like the 7th level of Hell. The WS feels like shi*....the BS is crying and devastated, the guilt is intensified, the family is in danger of imploding, the trust is obliterated, and the WS sees a bit of contempt in the eyes of the BS every time he/she looks at them.....To say this feels bad would be an understatement. So they might look back at the affair and the AP (the thing that so recently felt so good) with a lot of longing. Of course they long for the one (the AP) who looked at them with admiration and sympathy. So they break NC so they can feel good...and the AP is happy that they are breaking NC because they think it validates the affair and the feeling of the WS for the AP.

 

The really horrid thing about your situation is that both you and the WH are getting your egos stroked at the W's expense.

[Spark1111]

MBEG

 

 

 

After DDay, a marriage that had become stale or that had some problems to start with starts to feel like the 7th level of Hell. The WS feels like shi*....the BS is crying and devastated, the guilt is intensified, the family is in danger of imploding, the trust is obliterated, and the WS sees a bit of contempt in the eyes of the BS every time he/she looks at them.....To say this feels bad would be an understatement. So they might look back at the affair and the AP (the thing that so recently felt so good) with a lot of longing. Of course they long for the one (the AP) who looked at them with admiration and sympathy. So they break NC so they can feel good...and the AP is happy that they are breaking NC because they think it validates the affair and the feeling of the WS for the AP.

 

The really horrid thing about your situation is that both you and the WH are getting your egos stroked at the W's expense.

 

Brilliant synopsis of the post DDAY fallout.

 

And I agree.

 

OW did not know me, could not fathom my reasons for laying low and biding my time.

 

If she felt superior to me because he continued to string her along, so be it.

 

Just as I could not be a fly on the affair wall, she too had NO IDEA what was happening in this house, which was probably the VERY SAME BEHAVIOR he was exhibiting towards her.

 

"I love you! I never meant to hurt you! I want my life, my wife and my family back! I knew she wasn' the one, otherwise I'd have divorced you by now. Please don't give up on me, on us. It is all that really matters to me now.!"

 

Blah, blah, blah.

 

My intial motivation to even continuing to speak to this man that I hated was a primal instinct for self-preservation for, not me, but my children. He is, afterall, the only father they will ever have.

 

The jury remained out on my investment into our relationship for a very long time.

 

MBEG, what is YOUR motivation to stay in contact with this man?

 

My husband NOW CLAIMS, he was scared, ashamed, and he wanted to keep her on the hook in case I did divorce him. The OW became his PLAN B.He simply did not want to be alone with the devastion he had caused in so many lives.

 

Is that what you want? To be his back up plan in case she throws him out for good?