Wow, I suck big time

[sedgwick]

So this morning I got the news I've dreamed of all my life: my editor approved the final draft of my book for publication. It's been two and a half years that she and I have worked on it intensely (I sold it a week before Joe dumped me.) I first started writing it eight years ago. I got the first real praise from her that she has ever given me. I should be ecstatic, right?

 

Well, an hour or so after this happened, I accidentally saw a pic of Joe on facebook and started crying. I've purposely avoided any and all websites having anything to do with him since the day he left. I didn't save a single picture of us, I deleted them all within the hour after he walked out the door. So this one hit hard.

 

He is so beautiful, so missed. Seeing that pic was like a reminder that no matter how good I am at what I do, all it is in his eyes is "not music." And all I am is "not a musician."

 

I wish I could be happy about this. I wish I could share it with him. But instead I will defer to his wish that I not be in his life, that he be left alone to play music. And I will struggle to find some worth in my book, even though it's not old-time fiddle.

 

Meh.

Edited January 6, 2010 by sedgwick

[drew86]

Congratulations!!!! That is fantastic news!

 

I'm sorry you're not as excited as you should be, but that is really great news! What an achievement

[0hpenelope]

Congratulations! I remember you talking about your book. Do let us know when it's published!

[sedgwick]

Spring 2011!

 

And thanks...yeah, I know I should be happy. And I am. It's just that all my happiness is now tinged with sadness because I can't share it with the person I love most. And my accomplishments don't mean as much when I know that no matter what I do I'll never be good enough for him. I am a different person than I was before, a person with a permanently broken heart, who sees the world through a lens of loneliness and sadness. Things still excite me and make me smile, but not like they used to before I knew him. It's just a different world now.

[melodymatters]

C'mon sugar, you're backsliding here ! I managed a recording studio and worked closely with musicians, and I am here to tell you : I'd much rather hang out and converse with authors !

 

Don't let your understandable sadness about the ending with Joe, leach into this good moment. You might need to mentally train yourself : everytime you have one of these self defeating and stupid, yes STUPID thoughts come to mind, snap a rubber band on your wrist and proclaim out loud " I am sedgewick, a cool person, a nice person, I am a great knitter, belly dancer and now, published author, suck on this joe !"

[0hpenelope]

C'mon sugar, you're backsliding here ! I managed a recording studio and worked closely with musicians, and I am here to tell you : I'd much rather hang out and converse with authors !

 

Don't let your understandable sadness about the ending with Joe, leach into this good moment. You might need to mentally train yourself : everytime you have one of these self defeating and stupid, yes STUPID thoughts come to mind, snap a rubber band on your wrist and proclaim out loud " I am sedgewick, a cool person, a nice person, I am a great knitter, belly dancer and now, published author, suck on this joe !"

 

I had forgotten we had a belly dancer in our midst! Everytime I think of a belly dancer I always think of them having a toned stomach and I am hit with the fits of jealousy.

 

Oh Joe. That Joe definitely blows.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Wow, you rule big time.

[Blueberry7691]

Congratulations!!! What a GREAT accomplishment!!!! You should be sooo proud of yourself. I don't even know you and I'm happy for you!!!

 

I feel saddened by the way you long for your ex. It's apparent he doesn't deserve you.

 

Please....don't let him hold you back. Pick yourself up and get moving!! Look at what you accomplished. You don't need him. You've got yourself. Treat yourself as you would want to be treated. Be proud of yourself!!!!

[Lizzie60]

Wow, I suck big time

 

Me too... (and swallow)...

 

Congrats for your book...

[quankanne]

girl, you don't suck – you're pretty dang awesome in my eyes. As a fellow writer, I admire you for sticking to your goal of being published – that takes a strong will and only one in a handful of people see that goal through. I'm proud of you!

 

as for the failed relationship with Joe ... ah, that's the trickier thing. You'll feel sad because you've got such a deeply shared history with and love for him, and it's only natural you want to share this fantastic news with him. But you're an honorable person for taking his request seriously that you don't contact him, even though it hurts you to do so. However! It doesn't mean you can't compose a letter or keep a journal to "share" these big moments with him, even though you realize he's never going to read it. It's a very carthartic act, getting those words out of you, onto paper, so that you can follow through those feelings you need to share, so to speak. Who knows? It might even be fodder for the next book

[gaudi]

So this morning I got the news I've dreamed of all my life: my editor approved the final draft of my book for publication. It's been two and a half years that she and I have worked on it intensely (I sold it a week before Joe dumped me.) I first started writing it eight years ago. I got the first real praise from her that she has ever given me. I should be ecstatic, right?

 

Well, an hour or so after this happened, I accidentally saw a pic of Joe on facebook and started crying. I've purposely avoided any and all websites having anything to do with him since the day he left. I didn't save a single picture of us, I deleted them all within the hour after he walked out the door. So this one hit hard.

 

He is so beautiful, so missed. Seeing that pic was like a reminder that no matter how good I am at what I do, all it is in his eyes is "not music." And all I am is "not a musician."

 

I wish I could be happy about this. I wish I could share it with him. But instead I will defer to his wish that I not be in his life, that he be left alone to play music. And I will struggle to find some worth in my book, even though it's not old-time fiddle.

 

Meh.

 

WOAH CONGRATS, I aspire BIG TIME to have something published, I'm trying my best at the moment to get something down the way I want it.

Thing is I'm really decent at playing a guitar, I really am good, but to me that's just a hobby.

 

Writing and music are both very creative art forms, but I know which I think is harder.

 

GO YOU.....XX

[kristinabopp]

So this morning I got the news I've dreamed of all my life: my editor approved the final draft of my book for publication. It's been two and a half years that she and I have worked on it intensely (I sold it a week before Joe dumped me.) I first started writing it eight years ago. I got the first real praise from her that she has ever given me. I should be ecstatic, right?

 

Well, an hour or so after this happened, I accidentally saw a pic of Joe on facebook and started crying. I've purposely avoided any and all websites having anything to do with him since the day he left. I didn't save a single picture of us, I deleted them all within the hour after he walked out the door. So this one hit hard.

 

He is so beautiful, so missed. Seeing that pic was like a reminder that no matter how good I am at what I do, all it is in his eyes is "not music." And all I am is "not a musician."

 

I wish I could be happy about this. I wish I could share it with him. But instead I will defer to his wish that I not be in his life, that he be left alone to play music. And I will struggle to find some worth in my book, even though it's not old-time fiddle.

 

Meh.

wow! i admire you! i wanted to do a book but i dont even know where to start! im dreaming of me publishing a book as well, but im struggling bout it. well, how did you and joe broke up? i feel you.. that happened to me too, me and my x bf. we were each others first bf/gf and we were each others first in everything. i say i love you forever to him and he replies me with i love you forever and for eternity.. and then we lived with each other for 9months and been gf/bf for 1year and 2months. and it was unbelievable because he promised me many stuff and proposed to me, and then the next day.. he broke up with me.. he broke up with me dec.24th. and it was bout to be christmas. until now im suffering bout it, never stop crying after that time. he broke up with me on yahoo voice(online) because i went back here in california and he was in dc. its been 2 weeks and 4days of NC. you and me and all the people in here, are suffering pain in their hearts and minds. i thought i was the only one suffering coz my friends are getting tired of me saying bout my heart being broken. but im glad i found LS. its giving me inspiration andstrenght and even hopes. i wish you the best. and i hope you find the right person. time will heal you. i wish time will heal me ASAP. because i really cant take it anymore. but i know its going to take forever because i love him to much. but im willing to let time heal me.. im surviving everyday of my life of being heartbroken..

[mickleb]

Ms Sedgwick, my lovely -

 

Let's sort this out: Two years is too long to hold onto someone who hurt you in such in a callous matter. Full stop.

 

Let's get to the bottom of this and wrestle it out.

 

You sound fkn fantastic to me. I need to know why he is worth this pain. I've heard nothing so far that has convinced me. And I need to know why you feel you are due this kind of agony. Same reason.

 

Go.

 

x

[DenverBachelor]

Me too... (and swallow)...

 

How *you* doing?

[DenverBachelor]

I accidentally saw a pic of Joe on facebook and started crying. I've purposely avoided any and all websites having anything to do with him since the day he left. I didn't save a single picture of us, I deleted them all within the hour after he walked out the door. So this one hit hard.

 

He is so beautiful, so missed. Seeing that pic was like a reminder that no matter how good I am at what I do, all it is in his eyes is "not music." And all I am is "not a musician."

 

I'm always curious how people "accidentally" see a picture of their ex on facebook. Does one accidentally click a bookmark by mistake? I actually deactivated myself from Facebook and no longer use it. To me in my life, it is just a waste of time. The older I get, the more I become a bit of a luddite. Anyhow ... back to you.

 

Your achievements are amazing and you are playing beautiful songs right now to continue your metaphor. The fact that he is no longer in your life to see your achievements is irrelevant because the rest of the world will.

 

It is interesting that you deleted everything pertaining to him after the breakup. I can understand the reasoning, but I couldn't do such a thing. I'm not a big fan of erasing things -- even things that brought about pain. But that's a personal decision and if it helped you get through the storm, then that's great.

 

And who knows, maybe in the year 2015 he'll be on Amazon and bored and type in your name and see your book for sale. Then he'll think, "damn, she did it. Good for her. I'm proud of her."

 

Time heals all wounds.

[mickleb]

But time alone can take way too long about it.

 

I shall reiterate the painful fact that I spent 5 years of my physical prime, pining away for my first love, who I only dated for about 2. DAMN I was hot *tsssz ow!* back then.. but did I know it? Did I fook. I was too busy thinking about how hot he was. (He was a damned musician commitment phobe, too, btw. )

 

Bad. Very bad.

 

He was not worthy of the pedestal I placed him on and neither is yours, Seddy. I feel it is my mission to prove this to you..

 

Have you dated anyone since? How did that go?

 

I am all ears.

 

x

[sedgwick]

Have you dated anyone since? How did that go?

 

Not a soul. Not even a bit of flirting in...hmm...30 months now? I don't really leave my house much anymore. He just shattered my belief that I have anything to offer. I used to go out and hear live music all the time but haven't been once since he left me. I just don't feel worthy of being around musicians.

 

I'm always curious how people "accidentally" see a picture of their ex on facebook.

 

And who knows, maybe in the year 2015 he'll be on Amazon and bored and type in your name and see your book for sale. Then he'll think, "damn, she did it. Good for her. I'm proud of her."

 

I saw it because I posted a video of another old-time band that I like. FB decided I must like old-time music and threw up a sidebar ad for one of his shows. So there he was, bam. I only saw a thumbnail but felt like I was going to throw up.

 

As for typing in my name on amazon, I doubt he ever would. I seriously doubt he even remembers me at this point! Plus, searching for me online would take time away from playing music.

 

I need to know why he is worth this pain. I've heard nothing so far that has convinced me. And I need to know why you feel you are due this kind of agony.

 

He is SO amazing! Truly the coolest guy I've ever dated. Beautiful, funny, smart, talented, passionate, driven. And I feel I deserve the agony because I didn't measure up, and I wasted his time, and took so much music out of the world by asking him to spend time with me. I seriously can't forgive myself and it's killing me.

[mickleb]

He is SO amazing! Truly the coolest guy I've ever dated. Beautiful, funny, smart, talented, passionate, driven.

 

You, 30 months ago:

The story:

 

1. He supports himself as a bass player in an old-time novelty jugband. He's 6'2" and 125 lbs. Rapidly balding. Laughs like a hyena. Nearsighted. Way way hot to me but definitely the guy all my friends questioned me on -- like, "You like HIM?" Then they met him and realized we were perfect for each other -- as did his friends.

 

2. I am a heavily tattooed bellydancer, have modeled for Suicide Girls, all that silly stuff. Five weeks ago -- a week before he broke up with me -- I recognized my life dream in the form of a book deal with a major publisher, to write a memoir about becoming a tattooed lady. This is what I have wanted all my life. This, and getting into my dance company, are the most important things that have ever happened to me. I am not someone without a life and I NEVER acted like a needy girlfriend with him.

 

3. Things were incredible with my ex. We were together for a year. Granted, eight months out of that year he was on the road touring, but when we were together, it was like nothing I've ever felt before. I fell in love with him the minute I saw him. I did EVERYTHING I could to be the best girlfriend I'd ever been to anyone (incidentally, he's 31 and I'm 36.) I constantly knitted him things (including a cashmere scarf which he hung on a nail and never wore, but he did wear the hat and gloves, and asked me to sew the knitted fish onto his bass case.)

 

4. As the summer approached -- big touring season for him -- he became more and more freaked out and distant. In early June, he tried to break up with me, stating as his reason that he thought maybe he could be with a girl who wasn't an old-time fiddle player, but he just didn't know if he really could. Yes, that's right -- writer and bellydancer = not as good as hillbilly musician.

 

5. I talked him out of it and everything went back to being just beautiful and amazing. He was in town off and on, on short breaks from the tour, and when he was here we were madly in love -- or so I thought. On July 16, he left for three months.

 

6. The night before he left, we had a really beautiful time together. We went to a show and he introduced me to everyone there as his girlfriend, had his arm around me all night. Came home, beautiful crazy sex as always, told me he loved me as I was falling asleep. The next morning we went to breakfast, and I mentioned meeting up with him on the road, as he'd asked me at the beginning of the summer if I'd like to do, and he said, "Uh, yeah, we need to talk about that." Long story short, he told me, "It's the old-time musician thing." He said he just really couldn't be with a girl who wasn't an old-time fiddle player. Finished his breakfast while I cried into mine. Let me pay half the bill.

 

7. Came back to my house to get his stuff and broke down sobbing. I said, "Is it just that you don't love me? Are you just not that into me?" He said, "No, I love you, you're amazing, I'm in love with you, I'm still attracted to you, but I'm about to be gone for a long time and I'm a mess." This is true. He is so obsessed with square dance music that he sleeps about four hours a night and lives on coffee and cigarettes. He is literally emaciated -- I can now feel his teeth through his cheeks and his spine through his belly. He falls asleep if he leans against a wall. But he absolutely cannot stop playing or talking about music. It's his whole entire life. I was the one thing in his life that wasn't about music, and as such, I was expendable.

 

8. This guy has HORRIBLE communication skills. Many of my friends have theorized that he has Asperger's Syndrome, but I don't want to pathologize. He just comes off as really, really clueless about how human beings work. We ended up having sex right after he dumped me (I know, I know) and the whole time we were just crying all over each other and kissing and holding onto each other for dear life. Then he said, "I think sex is to you what music is to me." Because, y'know, writing and dancing don't mean anything, because they're not hillbilly music (note that for as long as we were together, he was always telling me how much what I did amazed him, and he was very supportive up until the last second when suddenly I just wasn't a musician.)

 

9. A few hours after he dumped me, he went on the road for three months. I didn't hear from him for a few days, and then he started sending me these text messages that sounded like something you'd send to your aunt: "Greetings from Michigan! How's the book coming along?" and "I'm in Ohio! We're going camping! How are you?" I was just astonished that he'd been able to go from a serious, year-long relationship to talking to me like I was his elderly relative, seemingly overnight. One week after he dumped me, he called me, sounding all chipper, "just to see how you are." I said, "I will accept one further message from you, and that's the one where you tell me you want me back." He said, "Okay," and I hung up on him. This was three weeks ago.

 

10. One week later, I caved and sent him a text saying we could talk if he wanted. That was all it said.

 

11. He called me this past Sunday. It has been a month today since the breakup, since we've seen each other. We talked for an hour. He told me he loved me and there was nobody else. Apparently at a music festival last week a girl was flirting with him and he turned her down. (This is a guy who went out with me for three months before he'd sleep with me, because he had to be sure he was "in love.") It was a decent conversation, in which we both agreed that we were still in love with each other, still attracted to each other, and, unfortunately, geographically far away from each other. The possibility of getting back together in November was discussed. He asked if he could call me again and I said yes. He said he just felt like he had to go off and really wholeheartedly chase his dream for a while. I, of course, feel this way too; I plan to run off to Mexico next month to write my book.

 

11. Now, though, I'm just sitting here wondering why -- if he loves me and there's nobody else -- he can't just call me on a regular basis and let me come meet up with him for a couple of days on the road. Is this just way too much to ask after you've been with someone for a year?

 

All our friends seem to think he's just being an idiot and we can work through this. But right after he slept with me for the last time, he said, "I think sex is to you what music is to me." Because, y'know, it certainly couldn't be dance or writing. Those things are obviously second in importance to hillbilly music, which is the height of human achievement. This is a guy who once said to me, "In a perfect world, I'd have a fiddle in one ear and a banjo in the other all the time. It pisses me off that I have to eat and sleep and drive and stuff." Anyway, that might be the most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me, and when we talked, I called him on it. He said he didn't realize that was a hurtful thing to say, and that of course he loves and respects what I do.

 

Ugh...this hurts so, so badly...how could he just throw me away like that the morning he left? Why couldn't we, at the very least, have talked about it the night before, when he was busy being all in love with me? And how do i not sit here driving myself crazy, hating him for doing this to me when I have a book to write, counting down the minutes for the next three months? I'm really not leaving my apartment anymore except to dance. I can't help feeling, still, like nothing I do has any value because it's not music.

 

The bits in bold, in particular, jumped out at me.

 

Have you read anything by Stephen Carter?

 

x

[sedgwick]

Whoa, mickleb, you went and found that?! Damn.

 

Yes, I read "Men Who Can't Love." It does sound a lot like him, which pisses me off even further because he SAID he loved me. He was always talking about how he couldn't tell a lie, he though lies were the worst thing ever, but he lied to me about loving me. This is why I think I deserve it -- I was so worthless I was the one he COULD lie to and not have a bit of remorse about it.

[mickleb]

Yes.. there are a few more for me to check out before I've got the full picture!

 

I would place your ex FIRMLY on the CP spectrum.

 

My CP ex told me how important 'the truth' was to him and also told me 'you know I love you, don't you?' before walking out the door, only to scream at me down the phone a few hours later, when I checked if he was ok. What a tw*t, honestly.

 

I think the next book on your agenda should be 'He's Scared, She's Scared', sweets, as - I'm afraid to say - you're a classic passive CP.

 

I know! I didn't want to believe it either but, eventually, I had to accept the truth I saw in black and white, in front of me.

 

Holding onto an ex in the way you are is a BIG giveaway, my love. There is more for you to learn about it, though. So I must ask you to pick up a copy and get your head into it.

 

(You can tell me your thoughts, in between, if you wanna ) x

[sedgwick]

I think the next book on your agenda should be 'He's Scared, She's Scared', sweets, as - I'm afraid to say - you're a classic passive CP.

 

(You can tell me your thoughts, in between, if you wanna ) x

 

First, you are awesome. Second, I'm sorry your ex pulled the cannot-tell-a-lie sh*te on you too, it's horrible. Third, what is a passive CP? Interesting...

[MartianChronicles]

hey sedge,

long time no see... it's been a while since i last posted on LS, i was thrilled to read about your book and believe me, what really sucks is to see you're still pining for joe

 

anyway

mickleb, CP stands for "commitment phobe", right?

i found this: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=72399 on another board... i hope it might be of some help

 

cheers. see you soon on LS

[mickleb]

Bloody marvellous link, that one ^^ Martian. (Yes, to the abbreviation Q.)

 

Sedge: a) you are too kind, and b) you are too kind.

 

To me, to him.

 

But I'll accept your praise with grace, THANK YOU! Unlike an active CP, who accepts it with an interal 'F*ck YOU, trying to pin ME down!', whilst smiling through their rotten teeth. (I'm getting carried away. Excuse me.)

 

Due to the help of LS, 'He's Scared, She's Scared', some therapy I'd done before I met him and 'From Heartbreak To Connection', this ex is the very first knob-cheese commitment-phobe I have been able to walk away from with a loud: 'Really? Then, pardon my French but f*ck YOU. Forever.'

 

Don't get me wrong - it took a while for the penny to drop (feel free to browse my sordid history!) But, when it did? It was liberating, I tell you.

 

Anyway. You gotta do this, girl. I'll hold your hand whilst you do. Sending you a PM with some useful info.

 

 

x