shadowplay Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 If you're in a new relationship with somebody who absolutely adores you, how and when do you reveal less flattering aspects of yourself? I want to be as honest with my new bf as I can, and right now I feel like I'm withholding. He doesn't know my darker aspects: the fact that I've struggled with depression and self defeating behaviors for several years, my anxieties and insecurities. I haven't lied about anything. I just haven't talked about or revealed this side of myself to him. I'm concerned that if I tell them to him he'll fall out of love with me, like happened with my ex. At the same time it makes no sense to have a relationship that's built on some form of dishonesty. Should I just tell him this stuff all at once, wait awhile, or reveal it piece meal? Or is it better just to never bring it up, work on the problems and hope they go away? I'm trying really hard to make this relationship work. It's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, and I don't want to screw it up.
Author shadowplay Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 So I bit the bullet and told him everything last night. I told him about my struggles with BDD and my trouble trusting people. I was fully expecting him to get distant. To my surprise he was completely understanding, supportive and protective. He didn't pull back at all. Instead he just hugged me, told me how much he loved me, and said that more than anything he wanted me to be happy. I was in bed in the dark with him, so I couldn't completely see his face but I felt a tear roll down his cheek at one point. When I asked him if he was crying, he denied it at first but then admitted that he had teared up a little when I told him how I sometimes felt about myself. He told me he didn't want me to think he was a "pussy." He said he has definite boundaries and he learned long ago to not take sht from anyone. I believe him. That's what I like so much about him. He's incredibly good, but he's not at all a pushover. He has a strong sense of himself and what he believes in. I asked what he values most in the world, and what his driving motivator is in life. He said the main thing is his belief in individual freedom, of expression and otherwise, and that he's sort of a libertarian in certain respects. This surprised me, but I also found the firmness and idealism of his beliefs admirable. I learned more about him. He told me that he's a very straightforward person, and that he doesn't put on pretense or try to impress people. One of my concerns had been that he's not discriminating because he fell so fast for me. I asked him more about his relationship history, and what he told me pretty much put my fears to rest. He told me that after a few bad experiences several years ago where he was really hurt, he'd been a commitment-phobe. He had gotten to know a number of girls, but quickly broke things off with them before things developed. It wasn't just because he was scared of getting hurt but also because none of them were his complete type. He told me that I was the first to break through. He really, really liked me, so he threw caution to the wind. I believe everything he's told me. I can just sense that he's a very genuine person, and my intuition hasn't failed me thus far.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Did you disclose your propensity to have sex with younger brothers
Author shadowplay Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Did you disclose your propensity to have sex with younger brothers Lol. I hope you're joking... I thought I made it clear in my other thread that I'd never go there.
boogieboy Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Did you disclose your propensity to have sex with younger brothers HAHAHAH!! Oh shyt... Hey Shadow...now that you revealed this to your bf, do you think you can control your self defeating tendencies?
Author shadowplay Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 HAHAHAH!! Oh shyt... Hey Shadow...now that you revealed this to your bf, do you think you can control your self defeating tendencies? Yeah, I hope so. My insecurities and bad habits only seem to flare up when I'm in groups of people, where I get socially anxious. When I'm alone with him things are great. I hope I can keep that in check.
sparkle Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 The fact that he lay there listening to you about your BDD and difficult times, rather than jumping out the bed, or dozing off... he gets two thumbs up from me!
Awesome Username Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 This is so sweet to hear, Shadow! For me, it always matters more that a guy can deal with the darker aspects of yourself without running. Good times are always great, but when they care about you even when you're being difficult or are in a difficult place you know that they're a potential keeper. I'm happy for ya!
burning 4 revenge Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Pretty soon this guy will be dumped. OK so I agree with you here She may be under the younger brother as I write this
marlena Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I just haven't talked about or revealed this side of myself to him. Nor should you. What you should be concentrating on is the NOW with your boyfriend and not your past.
meerkat stew Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 If you're in a new relationship with somebody who absolutely adores you, how and when do you reveal less flattering aspects of yourself? I call this the "fart barrier" and usually wait until we have both "let one" in front of the other before disclosing stuff like this. It's usually sometime in the second month after we start sleeping together. Inevitably the woman cracks before I do, as I feed my women lots of beans. After she lets one rip, I will let her feel self-conscious for awhile and then try to muster one up of my own to "clear the air" so to speak. If her fart stank really bad, I will put her in the "dutch oven" for offending my sensitive nose. Past depression, in and of itself, unless you have been recently institutionalized or are still under heavy care for it just isn't such a big stigma, so most reasonable people would be cool with that. If a woman ever catches me crying, I tell her it's because of her BO. That way I don't look so weak. Your BF obviously doesn't know this technique. Seriously, sounds like it wasn't premature and worked out fine. Don't be surprised though, if he tells you next week that some of the neighbors are buried in the basement or that he talks to his dead aunt Gladys in the shower or something.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I'd be most concerned about the fact that he cried, and that he fell for you so fast without knowing you...at all.
Author shadowplay Posted January 11, 2010 Author Posted January 11, 2010 There's nothing really to report. My bf is just really great, and I am falling in love with him. The more time I spend with him, the closer I feel. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt about the quickness of his attachment. I spoke with my father the other night and he pointed out that men often fall in love quickly, while women may take more time. (This makes sense since from an evolutionary standpoint women are generally pickier and think in the long term.) He said that happened to him with my mother. I love his intensity, and how intensely he feels about me. Sometimes when we're cuddling we lock eyes for long moments. He's the first bf I've had who likes doing stuff like that.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 If you're in a new relationship with somebody who absolutely adores you, how and when do you reveal less flattering aspects of yourself? reveal them piecemeal somewhere in the three to six month mark
Payden Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 ShadowPlay....I just want to tell you that I really adore you... Keep positive and start being kinder to yourself. I know how it is;)
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