Hate sex with husband

[Trice621]

I'm a 35-year-old woman, and I have been married for 12 years. It has been quite a long time since I've felt sexually attracted to my husband. I am currently separated from him, and he wants to work things out. I find myself missing him sometimes, as after all these years, I cannot deny that he is my best friend. He has some wonderful qualities, but we hadn't had sex for years.

 

I am seeing someone else now, and I didn't realize how much I missed having sex until I started having it once again! I quit having sex with my h in the first place because, to put it bluntly, he sucks at it! We are not sexually compatible AT ALL. I can't stand the way he kisses, he doesn't seem to know how a woman's body works, etc. Over the years, I have tried to TEACH him what would please me and what works, but he consistently screwed it up. For example, I would make it very clear when he was doing something right, then he would get overexcited or something and start doing something else! DUH!!!!!!!! I found sex with him frustrating and annoying so I quit doing it completely.

 

With this separation, I realize now what I had been missing out on all these years sexually. We are in sync, and it's awesome to experience this feeling again, but at the same time, I miss some other aspects of the relationship I had with my husband...the comforts, friendship, etc. He really is a good guy, and things would be perfect if I could see him as more than a friend and have a physical attraction for him. I do have strong feelings for this new guy, aside from the great sex, but there are things about him that make me wonder if he's the right one for the long-term.

 

If anyone else has had a loss of physical/sexual attraction for their spouse, did you find a solution for it? I don't know if I have trouble seeing my life without him forever because of the many years we've been together or if it's because I actually miss him that much???? If the latter is the case, then I would definitely like to find a way to be physically attracted to him once again.

[Ultimo12]

24 year old man here, with high libido.

 

 

My wife refuses to give me oral sex because she says she feels lowly and also is unsure about the christian stance on it. I am very sad about it because I love oral sex alot (as many men do). Eventually, I learned to renounce it because I love her. On the counterpart, she gives herself to me up to twice a day if I need her.

 

Maybe your husband is not good sexually, maybe he doesn't do what turns you on exactly, but what about your love for him? I have red books about female orgasms and alot as to do with whats going within the woman.

[alphamale]

sex, in and of itself, does not a relationship make

[JackJack]

So, is that the main reason you all are separated...because he "sucks at sex?"

 

Surely you both can find some kind of compromise on things if you truly want it to work?

[Samantha0905]

Me. I'm almost right there with you. I'm 48 and never had that real passionate/sexual (attraction) relationship with my husband, who I met when I was 14. We married when I was 21. I feel like my husband is my best friend in some ways -- he'd do anything for me, he's kind to me, he'd stand by my side until the day I die. In other ways, not so much. He's not real communicative so I don't feel we have an intimate relationship and I get lonely a lot.

 

I did have the affair with the great sex and, like you (while separated), I cared about my affair partner very much -- but some things just made me think we wouldn't click long term. Heck, just the fact he was willing to have an affair with a married woman may be one of them and I feel the fact I'm a married woman and willing also -- he should shy away from me. It's not exactly the foundation for a loving or trusting relationship. Even though I was separated physically from my husband, I was still married. I know that. He knew that.

 

How long has the affair gone on? Sometimes they fizzle as that "new" passionate feeling goes away.

 

Have the two of you gone to counseling?

 

We haven't gone to counseling over the sexual part, but in all honesty I don't think my husband realizes just how dissatisfied I've been in that department. I'm 48 now and I'm starting to think perhaps I'm putting too much weight on the sexual chemistry part. I don't know. It's sure not fun having sex when there is no attraction in that area. I've showed him things to do to satisfy me more, but that doesn't create attraction when it's not there.

 

I know I'm not being helpful as far as solutions are concerned, but at least you know you're not the only one who feels the way you do.

 

And as alphamale pointed out -- sex isn't everything in a relationship -- but I think a satisfying sexual relationship with one's spouse lends greatly to the level of intimacy in a relationship.

[Trice621]

JackJack,

 

No, that wasn't the main cause for the separation. It's just one of the factors I need to consider when debating whether to take him back or not. I just came here for the first time today to address one issue at a time. I addressed this one first because I always felt bad for my h that he wasn't getting any from me, and he doesn't even seem to care about the lack of sex while trying so hard to get back together. My male friends can't help but ask, "Wait a minute. So you guys hadn't had sex in years and he still wants to get back together with you even if that part doesn't change??" They find this SHOCKING!

 

The REAL reasons we separated (like I said, I didn't even realize I missed sex until I started having it again - and I haven't had such intimacy since age 18 with my first love!) are: He has ADD and wouldn't take his eyes off his laptop or TV, was uninterested in my life/hobbies/work, was unappreciative, had no sense of humor...and all these things made me feel very lonely. We had been sleeping in separate rooms for many years because I would rather sleep with my six dogs than with him! Prior to the problems I just listed, for years he was a real bastard to me (emotional abuse), making me hate the sight of him. This is where the sex really took a nosedive because having sex with someone I hated made me dry heave afterward. Yes, I actually got that sick to my stomach from him touching me.

 

He worked on and improved upon some of the past issues, but the status of our sex life remained. We got closer as a couple when he fixed some of his abusive nature, but I still couldn't bring myself to have sex with him.

 

However, through all of this, we still always stuck together during tough times and were always there for each other when we needed each other. This is why it is all so confusing for me.

 

As for the new guy, he makes me laugh all the time. He is very funny. He's handsome, warm, caring, we listen to each other, he's attentive...didn't take much for him to sweep me off my feet! Then the sex on top of all that...WOW! But I don't have the same sense of security (financially, dependability, etc) that I had with my h. Boy, if there was a way to squish these two guys together to make one man, I'd have died and gone to Heaven. I know this isn't possible, obviously, so I am stuck struggling with a very difficult decision. The new guy has some major issues too, like extreme jealousy and self-centeredness)...no one is perfect.

 

Now this is really going to blow someone's mind. My birth control failed, and I am about 6 weeks pregnant. I never had kids with my h because I felt it would be yet another responsibility I would have to face on my own (he can be like a teenager instead of a man). I was honest with him and told him about my pregnancy, and he doesn't even care about that either. He still wants to come back, and I can keep the baby!!! The father, however, would prefer I abort because of our financial situation. Neither of us believe in abortion, but we also both believe in providing a good life for a child...I am praying something miraculous happens within the next 9 months. I've never been pregnant and never had a child of my own. My h has several ill family members, so this was another reason we never had children. We were afraid of his genes. This is one reason he doesn't mind me being pregnant...we have a better chance of having a healthy baby together this way. He's just focusing on the fact that it is half mine and ignoring it is half someone else's.

 

I am in such a mess!!!!!!!!! Part of me really does want to work things out with my h, but there's so much to consider here. Sex is just one thing. I was wondering if anyone has had this problem and seen a sex therapist or something...whatever may have gotten them re-attracted to their mate.

[mem11363]

I completely understand why you would shut down sex when your partner is not willing/able to please you. I don't think this is about orgasm - it IS about having a partner who is willing to listen to you and wants to learn your body. It is not a loving thing for him to have sex without putting just as much focus on your pleasure as on his own.

 

I had one girlfriend who I simply could not get to the finish line. Long patient and intense oral did not get her there - intercourse didn't either. No matter how much stamina I put into it nothing worked. And on the other hand she was super giving in bed. I just always felt emotionally unsatisfied afterwards - like - ok she is great in bed but somehow I cannot please her no matter what. I ended it.

 

Did you talk to him - right before and right after and tell him - "remember when you did that .... I like that but I need you to do that until I tell you to stop or it is just frustrating for me ok." And you can be even more blunt and tell someone - I need you to get me to the finish line first - before you do ok. And stick with that. A man will typically stay very very focused if he is super aroused but hasn't come yet.

 

How frustrated was he when you stopped having sex with him? How many questions did he ask you about WHY you weren't having sex?

 

I'm a 35-year-old woman, and I have been married for 12 years. It has been quite a long time since I've felt sexually attracted to my husband. I am currently separated from him, and he wants to work things out. I find myself missing him sometimes, as after all these years, I cannot deny that he is my best friend. He has some wonderful qualities, but we hadn't had sex for years.

 

I am seeing someone else now, and I didn't realize how much I missed having sex until I started having it once again! I quit having sex with my h in the first place because, to put it bluntly, he sucks at it! We are not sexually compatible AT ALL. I can't stand the way he kisses, he doesn't seem to know how a woman's body works, etc. Over the years, I have tried to TEACH him what would please me and what works, but he consistently screwed it up. For example, I would make it very clear when he was doing something right, then he would get overexcited or something and start doing something else! DUH!!!!!!!! I found sex with him frustrating and annoying so I quit doing it completely.

 

With this separation, I realize now what I had been missing out on all these years sexually. We are in sync, and it's awesome to experience this feeling again, but at the same time, I miss some other aspects of the relationship I had with my husband...the comforts, friendship, etc. He really is a good guy, and things would be perfect if I could see him as more than a friend and have a physical attraction for him. I do have strong feelings for this new guy, aside from the great sex, but there are things about him that make me wonder if he's the right one for the long-term.

 

If anyone else has had a loss of physical/sexual attraction for their spouse, did you find a solution for it? I don't know if I have trouble seeing my life without him forever because of the many years we've been together or if it's because I actually miss him that much???? If the latter is the case, then I would definitely like to find a way to be physically attracted to him once again.

[Trice621]

mem11363,

 

He was VERY frustrated in the beginning when I stopped having sex with him, and I am a very open (sometimes brutally honest) person...so he didn't really have to ask WHY! I told him why in a very clear manner. I explained what was going on with me inside - my feelings about him - that were making me not want him to touch me. He understood, but sometimes I could see his anger building up, and he'd take it out on me in other ways...like having a nasty attitude, talking to me like crap, etc.

 

After much time passed, he gave up trying to have sex with me and just tried to make the most of our marriage without sex. I even offered at one point for him to find himself a girlfriend!!!!!! He refused to do that. He said he married me and would never do such a thing. I just wanted him off my back and to stop asking ME for it.

 

To answer the rest of your question, Yes! I did all those things. I told him exactly what he was doing RIGHT so he would continue with that, but for some reason, he would mess it up. WHY? WHY? WHY??????? Then I would ask, "Why did you stop when you got me so close???" I would get, "Oh, I'm sorry." DUH!!!!! Not exactly a reason for me to go back for more, ya know? If this was a one- or two-time occurrence, fine...but this is what went on for MONTHS before I gave up altogether and bought myself a battery-operated partner!

[JackJack]

Wow Trice, I'm sorry to hear you went through all of that. Sounds like alot of anger/resentments have built up over the years, and thats probably what has caused your lack of interest in him sexually, and not being attracted to him.

 

Resentments can be worked through though. But you have to really want to try and so does he. I might have missed this, so if its already been said then I apologize. Have you thought about Individual counseling for yourself? Marriage counseling would be beneficial as well, but first things first. Maybe getting some individual help from a professional, can help you work out the anger/resentment issues. People have to work on themselves before they can work on the marriage. Or at least you could start there first anyway.

[Lizzie60]

I soooo understand how you feel...

 

I felt the exact same way with my first ex... but I'm afraid that once the sexual desire is gone .. it's gone for good..

 

I honestly don,t think that he could be a good lover.. ever.. you said it yourself.. you tried and tried to teach him.. to no avail...

 

So... why not asking him for an open mariage .. he could agree with that kind of arrangement. Who knows?

[Holding-On]

Okay, Trice, I am somewhat confused.

 

What does your husband expect if you get back together?

 

That you will live like roommates and raise a kid together?

 

Personally I think that you might want to rethink that.

Would you feel he was competent to be a parent with you?

It is sometimes very hard to parent with another person.

To have to parent with someone who cannot stay focused about something as fundamental/motivating as sex strikes me as awful.

 

Would you really be able to live without sex? Or would you have affairs, or an open marriage or live on double A batteries...? How will you handle that?

 

Some individual counseling might help.

 

You could raise the child yourself with less resources (not "ideal" but hey, the kid would get to be alive). Or you could look to be in an open adoption where you can be a part of the child's life.

[PandorasBox]

Oh I know I'm gonna sound like a biatch here, but here goes...

 

If someone sucks in bed, they suck in bed. You had attraction for him in the beginning although he sucked in bed. So that tells me there were reasons other than sex that took you to the altar with him.

 

He became abusive towards you. You eventually leave him. You find another.

 

This other is sweet, and satisfies you sexually and it's wonderful but there's no 'financial security'. You then compare him with your H in that regard and wonder which is better...compatibility and respect or money? And then we learn why...you're now pregnant! And other man does not want you to have the baby, but you want to have the baby.

 

So what do you do? You're now considering going back to an abusive, sexless but financially stable marriage. I could be way off base here, but it seems like this is all about you wanting to have this baby, and which man is going to financially take care of you so you can have it.

 

I agree. OP, I'm not sure why you would even really consider getting back with him. I know you said he had some good qualities about him, most people do, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he has been abusive, you are not sexually attracted to him. He doesn't get it "right" when you tell him or show him what to do in bed. Plus a number of other things you mentioned.

 

I know people can change, but they have to really want to. Even if he changed in alot of other areas, I think you would still be unhappy and frustrated with the sex.

[Trice621]

You all have made some very good points. I appreciate your input. I just wanted to follow up on two of the issues....the baby...I am still undecided about that...teetering back and forth, sometimes minute to minute. The financial problems...I am in REAL danger of losing my HOME. This is a MAJOR problem. I have devoted my life to rescuing animals, so I have lots of pets here that I have been caring for for many years. I can't just pack up and move to an apartment and abandon the animals that were abandoned in the first place :-( It seems that keeping my present home is the ONLY option I have, I am trying desperately to find work with no luck, and because of my unemployment status, Wells Fargo has been HORRIBLY USELESS in assisting me even temporarily!!!!!!!!!! I am truly at my wit's end. I am so overwhelmed that it's making me physically ill.