alg24 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 You can read from my other posts the up and down, back and forth drama I have had with my MM. Anyway, its officially done. I know I have said that before but this time yes. I am a emotional wreck. I am writing this out of venting and positive support would be amazing... Before Christmas week we ended things badly.. I left it be... He started calling me and for 2-3 days we did not speak. I texted him a couple times it was over, etc. He kept calling and bothering me.. Of course I caved and went back Christmas week we spent together... Things were great... (His W and younger kids were out of town) Whole Christmas day we spent together, watching movies and laughing... It was like how things were with us last year... The day before the W came back we got into a argument, I broke down and told him how bad he is hurting me... My heart is ripped open- I care so much about you and you don't see/will never see the pain you cause me... He told me things needed to be over, he won't have as much time to see me/be there for me etc, well that night he slept over (nothing sexual) and the next morning I cried when I woke up (pathetic- and he was still there) he tried to comfort me-- I was crying because I knew it was over... He had a couple items at my house (1 pair of boxers, 3 tee shirts, 3 shorts, and a really nice addis soccer/polo jersey) I told him to take his clothes, he said no he wants it here... And he left... We kept talking/seeing each other.. But I was struggling New Years night he came over... We spent a couple hours together... He then asked me why I was so amazing- he mentioned that I am everything for him, and he is nothing for me- I am very special- I deserve one guy who can be everything for me and love me the way I deserve... I told him perhaps this is the time for us to be over... I understand he doesn't love me and maybe now we should end it... He told me he loved me and didn't want to end things... But his life is ****. The W doesn't want him in the home... He is confused and scared... A couple days later we got into an argument because I told him around 6pm at night he never has time for me... (He called because he was rushing home and couldn't see me) Around 8:30PM he called and asked if he could sleep over.. The W and him got in a fight (She later told me she kicked him out of the house) I told him on the phone the guest room is open, he can sleep there. 40 minutes later he walks into my apartment and comes for my room. Falls asleep with me and holds me all night... The other day we got into an argument again... (I am pathetic) I left it be... The next day he called me during the day to say hello... Then at night he called and asked if I wanted to see him.. I said he could sleep over.. He was distant, and told me he felt sick and sorry. The next morning he cuddled with me when he woke up, gave me kisses before he left... Yesterday, I called him around 5pm... He always calls me before he goes home... Nothing... At 8:30PM I texted him on the phone he has for me and told him I was upset he never called blah blah... I checked the pre-paid account and 3-4 dollars had been spent that day. I don't normally check over it (He pays the money but I set it up) I saw 12 text messages exchanged... I new it was to a girl, he isn't suppose to text on that phone because it cost money... I got really upset and I actually threw up... I called him on his AA&T phone and left a voicemail... I said "I am not stupid I know there is another girl... I saw the text messages blah blah blah.. I don't know what the said obviously but don't think I am stupid.. I loved you so much, I tried really hard but you care nothing. You treat me so badly!" He called me back and was furious... He called me his W's name, but W JR. Checking on him and trying to control him. He told me he does NOT care about me. Sorry I love him, but he does not love me. He cares but does not love me. For 2-3 months now he has wanted it over but I push him and push him to stay, so okay he continues to play the game (come over, sex, etc) he is so beyond sick of me, get out of his f***ing life.. I need help.. He will help me get help.. A bunch of other things.. I hung the phone up on him... The W and I actually spoke... She is going through with the D she can't stand him... We traded stories, and she was disgusted with what I told her... The lies, abuse, threats, etc. She treated very kindly. She is a true lady. But the pattern has been he sleeps at her place when she goes out and night (he watches kids) and when he doesn't have a place to stay he stays with me, or he use to sometimes watch the kids then come over and sleep with me... There was a time weeks ago he slept over my place 6 nights a week... But she told me today that he asked her if he could please stay at the house until he finds someplace to live (so maybe he is truly going to leave me alone???!) Today I left him one VM asking him for a EMS jacket I had leant him.. I kindly asked on the VM if he could drop it off at the place I work because I needed it tomorrow at 8AM... (5 minutes from him not even) But if not don't worry about it and I will figure something out.. He called my cell phone and left a pretty decent VM-- he said he couldn't drop it off because he was going home for the kids, he did not have time, but If I wanted I could go to his work and grab it.. He left it outside (we work at horse farms) And call him if I want... I decided to not get the jacket, I won't hold it over him, I am going to purchase a new one today... The clothes he left here are still here... It just hurts so beyond bad... I feel like my heart has been cut out and torn into a million pieces. I won't eat, I can't sleep, I am miserable. Almost 2 years with this crap.. And I am so sick today... My head is spinning, I am getting a really bad herpes outbreak (The herpes he gave me last year), and I feel sick to my stomach. I can't remember happiness. He never cared at all and I gave him my all. Mid July (this past) I went to visit him... He was amazing and talked about a future.. Mid August he came to visit me- same thing... He told me on the phone last night he has not cared since I visited him mid July... Please someone take this pain away... What do I do? I don't want him back but I am weak.. Do you think this is the final straw for him and he will leave me alone? I don't care how bad the pain is, I will not call/text him... I know this is not love but I really did "love" him. I cooked, I cleaned, I tried so hard for him... I only had eyes for him... He was my first everything-- "love", someone I slept next to, went away with, etc. I have only been sexually involved with 2 other people (one was a one night stand, the other was a good friend but only 3-4 times) I feel like garbage... When I wanted it over in the past no no no, but when he wants it over he throws me out so fast. How do I take the pain away. I hate my life. My home. It reminds me of him... Help
Hazyhead Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I don't want him back but I am weak.. Do you think this is the final straw for him and he will leave me alone? I don't care how bad the pain is, I will not call/text him... It needs to be the last straw for you, alg. I know that you must feel completely beaten down by him now; your situation is awful, but you need to draw the line. Don't expect him to do it, he is a snake only looking out for himself. It's going to be incredibly hard for you and painful, but do not respond to him if he contacts you. Get yourself to a place where you do not care about him or his life at all. I'm sorry that you feel so low.
Hazyhead Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 How do I take the pain away. I hate my life. My home. It reminds me of him... Help Find new happy memories for your home. Live a life that doesn't involve him.
fooled once Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Are YOU really done? This is a pattern you and he have -- fight, fight, fight - make up. Fight, fight, fight - make up. You seem to be yearning for something HE CANNOT GIVE YOU. Yes, it does hurt and it will hurt! Without a doubt. But life will go on; life will continue. I think you are willing to continue to accept the crumbs this complete jacka** hands you. I think you will continue to accept them because he has convinced you that you don't deserve more. You are so young - you have SO much ahead of you. You will find TRUE love; you will find love that doesnt hurt every 5 minutes. Real love doesn't fight every day or every other day. Are you in counseling? If not, please, please find yourself a good counselor. Please DO NOT continue to call or text him. I think the whole 'jacket' thing was a way for you to see him, to have something with him, just like the underwear and tshirts. Those are things that connect you to him and you want those things to keep that connection. I think we all want you to be in a safe and HEALTHY relationship. We have been trying to help you, to stop this crap from continuing. Please listen to us and stop trying to get him to love you like you want. He isn't capable. Please - please - let him go.
Author alg24 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Hi- Thank you everyone. It really does hurt A LOT. I promise the jacket thing was not a ploy to see him-- I ride horses and have a show tomorrow. Its really cold where I live (and that is not the norm) I have a couple smaller vests, and hoodies-- I need that zip up fleece mountain jacket.. I would not go to his work and pick it up... I actually had a friend grab it for me, but later on when he was not there. I truly am done. The pain really really hurts, but I can't take the abuse anymore. Today around 7:30pm he called my cell, the apartment around 7:35, then my cell again at 7:45.. I let them all go to voicemails... He left one voicemail saying to please call him, he is sorry and only wants to talk to me for five minutes, please, please call him, but he understands if I don't call. I won't call. It hurts to much.
6070 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Dear Algi24 I am so sorry to hear of your plight. Nothing hurts more when you invest so much in a person you think you love and they turn out to be something else. I do know by experiance Just remember that anger is more productive then sadness. Keep telling yourself that the man you thought you loved is gone. He never existed, all you have left are his lies and his betrayals. The facts speak for themselfs he is the worst kind of person. I really hope that you start sleeping soundly. Well done on drawing the line and making the first step. That is the hardest part. Soon you will feel so much better. Now all you need to do is go and find a cooler guy :-D Go sign up to a paintballing weekend. There are plenty of guys who do that and you will prob be the only girl. lol. (Trying to make light of the situation) You will be fine :-) You have alot of love to give. That is never a bad thing, cos love makes the world go round.
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