mulling over some things (its long!!)

[McGrupp]

back from vacation. it was going really great. not to relaxing as much as just doing a lot of stuff and kinda intense as an overall experience (we went out a lot, did a lot of activities).

 

then it happened. i sent the Happy NYE text out. i included the ex's #.

 

NO!!!!!. i was drunk. it was 130, maybe 2am.

 

anyway 9am i get the happy NYE and happy bday back from her. (saw it when i woke up noonish)

 

 

then i text back, how you been? (whenever i stopped being hungover-ish)

 

she says pretty good. u?

 

i say swell.

 

NO RESPONSE.

 

a couple of hours later i text if she still hits up our pizza joint as i really miss that ****ing pizza (hey this was the truth)

 

she says she hasnt been there in forever.

 

i text back "i guess just omelttes then" as she makes a lot of omelets.

 

and that was it.

 

and you know what? im happy. im happy because well she responded and doesnt hate me. im happy because the last thing ill ever say to her was about omelttes and it is completely pointless. and im happy ive finally made the decision, the decisive decision to never talk to her again.

 

this was finally it. now i cant say that for a that night i didnt mull over what was said again and again and even post a LS thread about it. but im done. shes done. she cheated. it wasnt perfect. she was nice and lovely and pretty and sexy but she cheated and i shouldve had enough respect for myself to leave then...

 

whew...

 

then my other thoughts concern what i really miss. my best friend in fla. basically laid it down to me that all i really miss is the sex. and i gotta agree. sure there are small moments i miss (shopping, going out, movies, etc.) but i can honestly say the moments when i miss her the most are when im the horniest.

 

my friend who has been with over 100+ females ( no lie) at the ripe age of 24 has gone completely celibate for 9 months. why? because he has relaized he does not need a female to make him happy.

 

im sure if one offered herself to him, he would go for it, but he has completly stopped trying, because he is happy with himself. ive personally never seen him this way. and girls throw themselves at him all the time. (even this week)

 

and it made me think. i was so gung-ho into the sex. so into that pleasure, i was willing to let her walk all over me and not only that, but hold up my asperations and goals in order to get it. i was willing to drive 1/2 hour. and now it wasnt always like this. but i got played. i played myself. i played into it and that my friends is a sad state of affairs because im smarter then that. you should never be running your life by what lies in between someone else's legs.

 

sad really.

 

but now im off. i need change. i realized when i was down there i didnt dwell. when i came home last night i got all depressed again. the anxiety returned. the lsing returned. the job im sitting at right now is back. I NEED CHANGE.

 

and i have to find it. just go. and i will. gave me 4 weeks notice. im out. fla...perhaps? probably for now. met a great crwod, some really nice people and even some cute girls THAT I HAVE NO DESIRE TO CHASE.

 

because...well...its not that its not worth it. i cherish the fact i was and experienced true love. but the best thing about true love is, that it wasnt forced. it came naturally. with no pressure. 2 people sharing moments and each other completely to the point where one didnt want to anymore.

 

hey **** happens. i shant beat myself up for anything. cant live in the past. but i want my life to be great and now i know what i want in a relationship which is great. a lot of people dont ever expereince what i went through.

 

it was painful. it was so bad. it still hurts sometimes. but life is about lessons. plus the thing is , yes i broke NC, but i didnt even know what day i was on! i havent been counting since either.

 

its over. and im onto acceptance. snap your fingers and just say "its over"

 

cause it is.

[LikeABirdWhoFlew]

Hey GREAT POST McGrupp!!!

 

I'm glad you found some sort of closure. I totally understand you when you said that you were happy the last thing you talked about with your ex was an omelette.

 

When my ex and I broke up it got kinda nasty. And the games she played afterwards were killing me. Well, against everyone one LS advice, I talk to my ex one last time a month ago. She basically told me she moved in with another man she met online 3 weeks after I broke off our engagement, then she admitted to cheating on him in a matter of weeks and now still lives with the online guy. I can only assume they are both in a very unhealthy relationship. (makes me happy inside)

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that sometimes it's nice to close things on a friendly note. I know it made me feel a lot better. For some reason I didn't want her remembering the angry, bitter and hurt me. I wanted her to remember the cool and calm guy that I really am. And the last time I talked to her, that's what she got.... Me being cool and calm.

 

Good Job Mcgrupp, I think you are finally REALLY healing. I hope all your travels are safe.

 

D

[mickleb]

OMFG McGrupp!

 

You are freakin' AWESOME! :bunny::bunny:

 

I, too, LOVE the fact your last words to her were about omelettes. Perfect!

 

And you know, all you really did to get over her was to live your life?

 

I am one happy lady.

 

Enjoy your freedom, while it lasts! x

[GrayClouds]

McGrupp just when I think I am done with you, you post a post like this and kick my little red wagon right down the street. Insightful and intelligent.

 

Nice job, now keep moving forward.

[drew86]

Good stuff man, it's good to hear you're seeing the world as endless possibilities to grow! I like your priorities and you've got your head in the right place

[McGrupp]

today it all came back. cant believe im 4+ months and still on here.

 

i need to promote this change, but im having trouble.

 

i wonder about what her look on all of this is. like why does she respond and then not? is she bored, trying to be nice? or afraid ill freak, trying to abstain from the guilt? does it cause her pain whne she talks to me?

 

whya ll of this, and if she blocked my number why do texts still get through?

 

does she miss me?

 

all of this runs through my head today. i woke up with a smile but back at work im sad. im seeing the main culprit in all of this....WORK!

[McGrupp]

i think it interesting to see im still looking for answers but refuse on some level to face the obvious facts.

 

i think i just am still picturing this future i had with her, that will not exist now.

 

im 25 and thought i would be settled and starting a family in 5 years. right now i feel like im up in the air. literally not doing anything i enjoy, with all the possibilities of the world out there, but afraid to take that first step into some direction.

 

this whole thing is taking a interiely new form. when i think of her, i think of the past and a future i cant experience.

 

when i think of doing anything that is a change i get scared and at the same time excited.

 

i still want her back so bad. but it could never be. me writing that over and over helps because im not sure if i 100% believe. honestly am i better off without her?

 

not sure. i feel still lost in the fog although the flashlight has been put in my hand, im just fighting with myself on where to shine it. and i keep shining it backwards but am afraid to shine it in some way forward.

[GrayClouds]

Your just feeling the after affect of feeling good. It does not last forever so you slid back to normal and often back to some of the old pain. Butr that is ok because part of it is that you did have progression and a good time. Which means you let go some of the hurt and now your grieving the loss. Ever time you let go a bit and little more grieving is needed.

 

Let your self grieve but just understand this is just one more step in the process. It is not going backwards so do make it more then what it is. This is good pain that tell you your growing and healing.

[sean1970]

McGrupp just when I think I am done with you, you post a post like this and kick my little red wagon right down the street.

 

today it all came back. cant believe im 4+ months and still on here.

 

Don't make Clouds have to go get his wangon...

[mickleb]

OMFG McGrupp!

 

You are freakin' OUT AGAIN! :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

I, still, LOVE the fact your last words to her were about omelettes. Still perfect!

 

And remember, all you really did to begin to get over her was to begin to live your life..

 

I am one eye-rolly lady.

 

Enjoy your ball and chain, as you've shackled yourself to it again today, while it lasts! x

 

P.S. Stop doing that job=stop doing your/our heads in.

 

xx

[LovelyDaze]

i think it interesting to see im still looking for answers but refuse on some level to face the obvious facts.

 

i think i just am still picturing this future i had with her, that will not exist now.

 

im 25 and thought i would be settled and starting a family in 5 years. right now i feel like im up in the air. literally not doing anything i enjoy, with all the possibilities of the world out there, but afraid to take that first step into some direction.

 

this whole thing is taking a interiely new form. when i think of her, i think of the past and a future i cant experience.

 

when i think of doing anything that is a change i get scared and at the same time excited.

 

i still want her back so bad. but it could never be. me writing that over and over helps because im not sure if i 100% believe. honestly am i better off without her?

 

not sure. i feel still lost in the fog although the flashlight has been put in my hand, im just fighting with myself on where to shine it. and i keep shining it backwards but am afraid to shine it in some way forward.

 

 

Leave it at omelettes.

 

You've read before what to do, McGrupp. Don't talk to her again until she wants to actually make it work with you. That whole NYE texting tastes like crumbs to me.

 

You're 25, PLENTY of time for you to meet a great woman who will be by your side and will want to be with you always. I KNOW you want your ex. I would prefer my ex, our LS friends would prefer to have their ex. But our exes either don't give a damn or don't have the skills to make it work even if they love us to pieces still. Either way....DOOM!

 

Like I said, leave it at omelettes.

[McGrupp]

i know why she is vague in communication. in a recent book i read, the language i used was so hurtful to her that she cant and wont ever open up to me again.

 

she was hurt by me as i was hurt by her.

[McGrupp]

im like still enamored by her. suicidal sort of too for weird reasons.

 

whats going on in my head?

 

yesterday i thought i was moving along quite nicely. the last 2 days though have been horrible.

[Boundary Problem]

im like still enamored by her. suicidal sort of too for weird reasons.

 

whats going on in my head?

 

yesterday i thought i was moving along quite nicely. the last 2 days though have been horrible.

 

 

It is winter blues....crappy weather. We all need A LOT more sunshine than we are getting.

 

Forget suicide. Too messy. One foot in front of the other. Like an ant. They move mountains.

 

You are one of the strongest people I know. But strong people all have their vulnerabilities. Just be careful who you allow close to you right now, and go out and have some fun. Give yourself permission to have fun.

[LovelyDaze]

It is winter blues....crappy weather. We all need A LOT more sunshine than we are getting.

 

Forget suicide. Too messy. One foot in front of the other. Like an ant. They move mountains.

 

You are one of the strongest people I know. But strong people all have their vulnerabilities. Just be careful who you allow close to you right now, and go out and have some fun. Give yourself permission to have fun.

 

I love that "Like an ant. They move mountains."

 

We have to stay strong. Look, McGrupp, you know suicide can NEVER be an option. If you are dead, how would you know that the next 5 years, 1 year or 1 day that you aren't walking in a grocery store buying snacks and meet the love of your life?

Keep marching down that path, a new and better "she" is waiting.....

[mickleb]

im like still enamored by her. suicidal sort of too for weird reasons.

 

whats going on in my head?

 

yesterday i thought i was moving along quite nicely. the last 2 days though have been horrible.

 

It's your job. Get a better one.