DustySaltus Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 So I was dating a few women after a horrible broken engagement about 6 months ago. I did not lead any of them on and now I have started to be exclusive with one of them. One of these girls I had been talking to on and off for about 5 months. We went out on an initial date and she was just getting over an EX as well and I guess we were just being companions more than anything else. Over time we hung out every so often but as I started getting back to my old self I realized that she wasn't someone I could see myself with long term. She was too quiet, a dead fish in the bedroom, didn't seem like she would open herself up to me and very confused about what direction she was going in her own life. Now, my ex is 32 and she is 23, so i'm sure that factors in somewhere. So i've been hanging out with her less and less. We were never in a relationship, never claimed to be in one and all of a sudden the other day she comes out of her shell and starts yelling at me on the phone. She says, "What's going on with you? If you don't want to talk to me, tell me but I ain't going to be in know f'ing gray area (one of the only times i've heard her curse). I told her that I didn't want to have this conversation over the phone and we should do it in person. Well, that's supposed to happen today. SO.....do I tell her that she just isn't the right fit for me. I told her originally that I wasn't ready for a relationship but I kept wanting her to show me something to make me feel differently and she didn't. Then this new girl comes along and totally blew me away. Do I tell her I met someone else or tell her that she's not the right fit or both? I feel terrible, but I'll feel even more terrible if I let this drag on. Was it the right move to meet in person?
dreamergrl Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Just tell her you don't see it going far. No need to get into the details, just let her know.
silic0ntoad Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Hey Bro. Honestly, no need to tell her about someone else. There was no commitment, so you have no obligation to tell her. I'd simply say "I don't see us fitting together the way I need in a relationship." It's simple, and doesn't burn any bridges. I am sure she probably has it in her head you're her BF or whatever, but being honest without all the details should be more then adequate. Besides, if you tell her you met someone else, it will probably make her go psycho.
New Again Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I don't think you should tell her you met someone else, especially since you two weren't in a relationship. I think you should just tell her the other thing, about not seeing her as a good fit for a long term match.
Angel1111 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I always say it's the quiet ones you've gotta watch. Just tell her that the relationship isn't a fit for you. Don't tell her about the other person - it'll just create more questions. If she asks if you've met someone else, then tell her the truth. Just remember, whenever you sleep with a woman and spend a lot of time with her, it's no longer a casual relationship - no matter what you'd like to think. Women are going to have expectations. That's why she got pissed off when you stopped talking to her as much as you once did, and didn't explain why.
InspiredbyYou Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 SO.....do I tell her that she just isn't the right fit for me. I told her originally that I wasn't ready for a relationship but I kept wanting her to show me something to make me feel differently and she didn't. Then this new girl comes along and totally blew me away. Sorry but what does that even mean? did you want her to read your mind and surprise you with being everything she was not? This is tough Dusty, you don't want to mislead her but how the heck do you tell her "you suck in bed and not literally, plus you are boring." I agree with the rest I wouldn't tell her you met someone else that is really hurtful besides why if you were sleeping with her are you dating other women? The fact that she exploded as she did makes me think she was thinking this was something more than you ever thought...
gtrguy Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 don't think you owe her anything if you weren't exclusive.
silic0ntoad Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Sorry but what does that even mean? did you want her to read your mind and surprise you with being everything she was not? This is tough Dusty, you don't want to mislead her but how the heck do you tell her "you suck in bed and not literally, plus you are boring." I agree with the rest I wouldn't tell her you met someone else that is really hurtful besides why if you were sleeping with her are you dating other women? The fact that she exploded as she did makes me think she was thinking this was something more than you ever thought... Agreed... It's a tough pill to swallow. I never sleep around (anymore) unless I know I'd be willing to be with that person. I went for months after my ex without getting laid, and honestly, it didn't even matter, really. Like I said, tell her you aren't compatible, and call it a night.
Author DustySaltus Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 Sorry but what does that even mean? did you want her to read your mind and surprise you with being everything she was not? I think we all deserved to be surprised once in a while. I felt like I was carry this thing since day one and after that initial extended exploration period I found out that she is who she is.
Author DustySaltus Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 It is a good idea to do it in person? I already said I was going to do it but now I'm wondering if it's even worth it. I'm trying to give her respect, but I think she's going to be pissed either way.
gtrguy Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Do it over the phone. Email or text is harsh. But a phone call ending it should be fine. In person is just gonna hurt you or her and you were never in a serious relationship with her.
New Again Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 It is a good idea to do it in person? I already said I was going to do it but now I'm wondering if it's even worth it. I'm trying to give her respect, but I think she's going to be pissed either way. Either in a phone call or in person. Of course she's going to be pissed, however you do it. I think you owe it to her to do it in person (even though that's harder for you), since you've been sleeping with her for 5 months.
Author DustySaltus Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 Either in a phone call or in person. Of course she's going to be pissed, however you do it. I think you owe it to her to do it in person (even though that's harder for you), since you've been sleeping with her for 5 months. I slept with her twice in 5 months (it was awful). We would go without seeing each other for a few weeks at a time. Again, I was seeing other people as well....
threebyfate Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 However you choose to do it, do it NOW! She's obviously invested and after five months, this is pretty normal. That she's assuming you have a relationship, is her inexperience, within the dating world. I'm making the ass-umption that the two of you haven't had an exclusivity discussion. But I agree that you don't tell her you've found someone else, or that she sucks in bed, etc. She'll already have enough to contend with, knowing you're "breaking up". I put breaking up in quotes because it's not really true but in her mind, it will be.
Author DustySaltus Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 However you choose to do it, do it NOW! She's obviously invested and after five months, this is pretty normal. That she's assuming you have a relationship, is her inexperience, within the dating world. I'm making the ass-umption that the two of you haven't had an exclusivity discussion. But I agree that you don't tell her you've found someone else, or that she sucks in bed, etc. She'll already have enough to contend with, knowing you're "breaking up". I put breaking up in quotes because it's not really true but in her mind, it will be. Thanks for the input. We never had the exclusivity talk until that phone call recently. The problem was that because we didn't have that talk sooner it went from an exclusivity talk" to an "Ultimatium" and I've never been good with those let alone think that a healthy relationship can start from them...
InspiredbyYou Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I slept with her twice in 5 months (it was awful). We would go without seeing each other for a few weeks at a time. Again, I was seeing other people as well.... What made it awful, if you don't mind sharing? I have never met any live person complain that sex was awful, I am so intrigued!! . that's good that you want to let her down with respect, good for you for being decent about it and not turning into a jerk to absolve yourself of guilt, some guys would handle it like that. Having said that, and reading more about the situation I also think you should do it over the phone no need to be face to face why bring on the extra drama for yourself?
Author DustySaltus Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 What made it awful, if you don't mind sharing? I have never met any live person complain that sex was awful, I am so intrigued!! . I'll send you a PM.
TheBigQuestion Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 If she asks if you met someone else, say yes. I only say this because I'm the type of person that wants to hear the complete truth in pretty much all circumstances. Some people like being humored on the other hand. You need to decide your approach based on what you know about her personality. I was in a situation similar to yours (only the roles were reversed and we had been seeing each other pretty consistently for about a month and a half until I started getting jerked around), and I know I would've preferred to hear the actual reasons for why things turned out the way they did. But as I said, it's up to her personality.
Recommended Posts