Flavour Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I wonder if I am the only one embarrassed to ask about the financial situation of your partner. It is just me? And I am stupid, as we are planning a future together, so actually both of us must know. But I will never dare to ask. I wonderf if it is a bad sign abou the relationship-am I walking on eggehells for some reason? Does a right way to ask exist? Do you feel the same or am I the only one?
mem11363 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Do you already know if you will be living in his existing place, or he in yours? Or are you planning to buy a place together? If you are planning to buy a place together this is a perfectly good reason for telling him what you make, what your debt is - if any - and asking him to tell you those things so you two can select a reasonable price range for buying/renting a property. I wonder if I am the only one embarrassed to ask about the financial situation of your partner. It is just me? And I am stupid, as we are planning a future together, so actually both of us must know. But I will never dare to ask. I wonderf if it is a bad sign abou the relationship-am I walking on eggehells for some reason? Does a right way to ask exist? Do you feel the same or am I the only one?
Ronni_W Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Like mem says, it depends where you are in your relationship...as well as individual preferences, to some extent. Like everything else in a committed relationship, there is room for win-win negotiations and compromises. After dating for a while, you'd know his occupation and have an idea of how he lives and on what he spends his money -- and those can give good clues as to his general income level, and spending/saving habits. If it's a fairly new relationship and/or talk of a future together is rather general, that's all the financial info that each is "entitled" to, IMO. Once you are seriously talking about moving in or getting engaged -- to me that would be the ideal time to ask, "So, how are we going to be handling finances?" Have your own ideas and preferences handy, and give him some time (if he needs it) to draw up his own plan. You might also want to check articles at MarriageBuilders.com, notably under 'Questionnaires' tab: Financial Support Inventory Needs and Wants Budget. Also, under 'Basic Concepts' tab: 'Emotional Needs --> Financial Support' and 'Policy of Joint Agreement'; and under 'Quick Clicks' menu on home page: Conflict --> Financial Decisions
Crazy Magnet Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Regardless of how you do it, it's VERY important to discuss ALL financial matters before taking any serious steps. Maybe sit down with your bank statements and come up with a mutual budget? Talk about views on credit cards and how the two of you plan to keep bank accounts (together or separate?)
Author Flavour Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Do you already know if you will be living in his existing place, or he in yours? Or are you planning to buy a place together? If you are planning to buy a place together this is a perfectly good reason for telling him what you make, what your debt is - if any - and asking him to tell you those things so you two can select a reasonable price range for buying/renting a property. It depends on how will things evolve regarding my child's custody. We must sort out out legal matters and if I go to his place there are visitations to schedule etc. Everything will be more clear in a couple of months. We are also preparing the documents for the marriage ( we live in different countries). I really want to sit down and tell him everything. It is only that when we see each other we have not much time, and we finish overwhlemed by other things. And on the phone-I hear him more than once daily-it does not feel right to face such topics
Author Flavour Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Like mem says, it depends where you are in your relationship...as well as individual preferences, to some extent. Like everything else in a committed relationship, there is room for win-win negotiations and compromises. After dating for a while, you'd know his occupation and have an idea of how he lives and on what he spends his money -- and those can give good clues as to his general income level, and spending/saving habits. If it's a fairly new relationship and/or talk of a future together is rather general, that's all the financial info that each is "entitled" to, IMO. Once you are seriously talking about moving in or getting engaged -- to me that would be the ideal time to ask, "So, how are we going to be handling finances?" Have your own ideas and preferences handy, and give him some time (if he needs it) to draw up his own plan. You might also want to check articles at MarriageBuilders.com, notably under 'Questionnaires' tab: Financial Support Inventory Needs and Wants Budget. Also, under 'Basic Concepts' tab: 'Emotional Needs --> Financial Support' and 'Policy of Joint Agreement'; and under 'Quick Clicks' menu on home page: Conflict --> Financial Decisions Wow these last links are gorgeous! Thank you for the detailed and precious info.
Author Flavour Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Regardless of how you do it, it's VERY important to discuss ALL financial matters before taking any serious steps. Maybe sit down with your bank statements and come up with a mutual budget? Talk about views on credit cards and how the two of you plan to keep bank accounts (together or separate?) I agree with you 100% and probably I will do this absolutely the next time I meet him. I will have to gather all my courage perhaps but i will do it. OMG I am not scared by anything but this sounds SO difficult:(
Ronni_W Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 OMG I am not scared by anything but this sounds SO difficult Flavour, I'm glad you found this MarriageBuilders' links useful. You might consider emailing them to him as well, with a note like, "Good news! I found some great links that will help to get us off on solid ground as far as budgets and finances goes. I'm working through them and maybe you'll want to do the same so that we can have a place to start, when we get around to this conversation?" In your own words, of course -- "sell" it a bit, if you feel it necessary. Who knows, though? He may be admiring of, and grateful to you for being so proactive, forward-thinking and able to table an important topic in a sensible and sensitive way? A different thing you can also do, is see if you can figure out some of the reasons that money and talking about it is so daunting (or embarrassing, or whatever exactly) for you. Sometimes, once you determine what is going on on the inside, it's not quite so scary anymore to deal with it on the outside. (If that makes sense? ) Best of luck!
gerrydevis Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 Hi, I have face same problem.Can anyone have solution?
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