someone...tell me not to do it.

[I Miss the Kiss]

If anyone has read my last thread, I need some strength...

 

This hurt is evolving because as each day-- no, each second-- passes I am dealing with the fact that he has not even had the compassion or even human decency to give ma phone call or email or otherwise to give me so much as a tiny CLUE as to what happened and maybe an "I'm sorry..."

 

I realize that I really should not even want to hear from him, but to be honest, right now 99% of the reason I want to is just to feel like I am not complete dirt under his feet (or anyone else's feet, for that matter). I guess I need to feel like maybe I wasn't that blinded by him that I didn't see the evil side of him that could literally leave me without a word... after months of planning for a life together.

 

I believe he was busted (again) in some way, but I also know he didn't admit to any more than he had to... so he probably doesn't have it all that bad right now. I need him to be miserable, but I know he's not. How someone goes from loving someone to feeling like its ok to shred their heart to pieces without a single word is beyond me. And although he is twisted and cruel, I do believe he loved me, in whatever way he is capable of doing that. Whatever... it doesn't matter now.

 

I'm sure part of his silence is because his a$$ is being watched very closely right now, but still... he has offices and other places he could call from that don't involve his cell phone. He has the ability to text without the number showing up on the bill. He knows my email address, obviously...

 

Please don't tell me I should want him to contact me, because I do realize that. But now its not at all that i want to start up with him again... its because I want to feel like something more than a human being who was tossed aside like molded bread. That's all...

 

I'm so sad.... Tell me not to email. I already have a couple of days ago, and I can't take that back now, but I'm thinking in the rational part of my brain that NOT emailing him is the BEST revenge (or at least the best statement) I could make to him right now. Tell me I'm right...

 

In his sick mind he is waiting for that email. If he doesn't get it, that doesn't stroke his ego much, does it??

 

God I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. He has F'd me up at best...

[whichwayisup]

Don't email. For your own sanity. Remember as in your signature..NC=NO new hurts.

 

The NC is your strength. Your ego, your pride! If you cave and contact him, email him, you're letting yourself down..

 

Stay strong, you can do this! The feeling of contacting him WILL pass.

 

Write out what you want to say to him, but do NOT send it. Infact, don't even open your email, do it in microsoft word or some other program you have on your computer. Vent it out for theraputic reasons only!!

 

He made a decision, NC is in place for a reason, whatever HIS reasons are doesn't matter. For you, NC is your chance to think, to grieve, to begin your healing process. It's all about YOU, don't forget that!

 

Make sure you don't sit alone and think about this all day long. go out for a walk, see a friend, do something to distract yourself..The busier your mind is, the less you'll think of him..

[Hazyhead]

Don't write. The days that you don't hear from him will soon get easier, I promise. Soon the fact that he does not contact you will empower you against him. Try to focus on you and your girls. The sadness and anger will come, let it, but then pick yourself back up again. He will not answer any of your questions. Keep venting here instead.

[DrIndigo]

If revenge is what you're after....

 

Busy yourself by going to the gym, taking a cooking class, hanging out with friends and making some new ones, and getting out in the sunshine if geography permits. Always remember there's nothing more desireable than someone who is confident and happy.

 

And if what you want is an answer....

 

Try to remember that while human nature is to see our self worth in others, that every other person will view us and our value through the lens of their own needs and biases. It's a tempting and inaccurate measure of who we are or what we are worth. Simply put, the same man can see the Hope diamond in you one day but see only a pile of carbon once his cirumstances have changed.

[I Miss the Kiss]

If revenge is what you're after....

 

Busy yourself by going to the gym, taking a cooking class, hanging out with friends and making some new ones, and getting out in the sunshine if geography permits. Always remember there's nothing more desireable than someone who is confident and happy.

 

And if what you want is an answer....

 

Try to remember that while human nature is to see our self worth in others, that every other person will view us and our value through the lens of their own needs and biases. It's a tempting and inaccurate measure of who we are or what we are worth. Simply put, the same man can see the Hope diamond in you one day but see only a pile of carbon once his cirumstances have changed.[/QUOTE]

 

Wow... that almost made me cry because it is such a true statement. I will keep this in the forefront of my mind, no matter how hard it is to do so right now. The truth is that when the rubber met the road, he was spineless and cruel.... and why would I want any part of that? His W gets to live with that little jewel of a man, not me...

[Brokenlady]

As Dr.I astutely put it, your worth does not lie in the assessment made by this MM. You keep looking to him to assure you that you're worth something because he's made you feel good in the past, but it's really something that has to come from within. You don't want your self-worth to be held hostage to his whim. I completely understand how hard this is because I'm dealing with it too. We're going to have to learn to look within to find what's missing and let these men do the same. If you reach out to him and he rejects it, you'll feel much worse. Don't do it - nothing good will come of it.

 

Instead, go do what I'm doing tonight - taking my daughter shopping for nailpolish, or ANYTHING that will made you feel good instead of throwing more good energy after bad with this guy. (((hugs)))

[confusedinkansas]

Don't contact him.

The reason you shouldn't....Because it will be harder to say good-bye - each time you break NC. It will be more difficult.

 

It is normal to miss him - if you didn't you'd wonder how much you really felt for him in the first place.

 

It DOES GET EASIER. I know you don't believe that right now, but it does.

I'm 13 months - NC (although he did text me in the summer - I did not answer) - My situation is not like most - but I didn't get any closure & it hurt like hell. Maybe he hurt, but probably not. I can't worry about that & you shouldn't worry about your XAP either or the life he choose.

 

You can't spend your days with the "What If's"

Get busy doing things. Get busy meeting new people. (I know, easier said than done - just give it a try) You have a lot on your plate as it is with the girls & the divorce. Stop worrying about him.

...hugs to you:)

[blinded]

NO NO NO Please Don't.

 

You can control your actions and yours alone. You can't control him nor make him respond to you. Are you seriously prepared for the consequences??? Do you want to get back on that rollercoaster? Because if you think that you've thought of worse case scenario, well guess what? It will happen. Maybe worse.

 

Try and have some respect for yourself and use your energy on yourself instead. Have some respect for him (he may not deserve it but for your own sake) while he works on family. Sounds like he needs it. If he really wanted to contact you, he would.

 

Please. I don't mean to sound harsh. In fact, I may be saying it for my own sanity. But we need to be strong.

 

If you need someone specifically to listen, I am here. You could PM me.

[doushenka]

Don't email him. He got violent once; I would not trust him not to do the same again. Do you want that kind of risk in your life?

 

Stay safe, IMTK.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Don't email him. He got violent once; I would not trust him not to do the same again. Do you want that kind of risk in your life?

 

Stay safe, IMTK.

 

That was my STBXH who got violent, not the xMM. The xMM was about as far from a violent person as one could possibly get. Quite frankly, he's a bit of a whimp (emotionally, anyway... he is a FF so quite strong and in good shape... *sigh*)

 

I thank you for your reply nonetheless, but I just wanted to point out that the episode of violence was with my STBXH.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

I don't know if this makes things worse or better. I am a MM myself. In defense of yours, I'm sure he hasn't turned things off as far as feelings go. Believe it or not, I bet he's hurting too.

 

I wouldn't contact him like everyone else says. Its hard not to know what happened all of a sudden, but maybe there's more to this than the lying 'wimp' or 'a$$' MM syndrome everyone talks about here.

 

Regardless of what happened, I'm sorry you're dealing with this IMTK...I just can't imagine how you're hurting. It hope it gets easier for you soon

[White Flower]

 

Wow... that almost made me cry because it is such a true statement. I will keep this in the forefront of my mind, no matter how hard it is to do so right now. The truth is that when the rubber met the road, he was spineless and cruel.... and why would I want any part of that? His W gets to live with that little jewel of a man, not me...

In the end, this will be your saving grace. Yes, he does owe you an explanation and maybe even $$$ for all the adjustments you made upon his request to be closer to him. Ethically he owes it to you but legally he does not. His lack of integrity belies the idea that he will do anything honorable at this point. Just take comfort in knowing he chose her to end up with such a demoralized character of a man and not riddle you with years of that pain.

 

(((hugs)))

[I Miss the Kiss]

Its hard not to know what happened all of a sudden, but maybe there's more to this than the lying 'wimp' or 'a$$' MM syndrome everyone talks about here.

 

WTGFH, feel free to elaborate on that comment if you are so inclined More to it? Hmmmmm......... Right now I can't see past the wimp/a$$ syndrome! LOL

[Morelikeher]

I had to respond to this. I can SO relate to what you are going through right now. My xMM threw me quite literally under the bus. I never had any closure to it - he showed up on my front porch to let me know he was going back to his wife and I slammed the door in his face! Do I regret it?

 

Sometimes...cause somewhere in my mind I thought I would get some kind of closure by that one last talk.

 

So, after many moments of "what ifs" going though my mind (it has been 5 months), I have realized I would never receive the closure that I wanted in the end. It is human nature to want to understand why. Why did you tell me you loved me and then change your mind?

 

He has something missing in himself - nothing will fill it: not you, not his wife...only him.

 

Two things that keep me going:

 

One: If I had that one last talk I would ask him if he really loved me? It would be a catch 22 - if he said yes, it would hurt. If he said, no...it would hurt. I wouldn't win either way.

 

Second: I don't want to be with ANYone that doesn't want to be with me. We can sit around with some hope that he'll choose us in the end, but we only lose ourselves in the process. And, we will lose time and an opportunity to find someone new in our lives.

 

What keeps me from contacting him: I keep thinking about how he couldn't make up his mind. He told me that he was going back to his W -then told friends to tell me that's not what he really wanted - he texted me through other people's phones .... I was so confused. So, I finally broke NC and texted him - his W called me back to tell me to no longer contact him. That was it for me. No more games, no more roller coaster ride.

 

I think we are winners when we take back our self worth and walk away. Take strength every day that you DON'T contact him!

[I Miss the Kiss]

I don't know if this makes things worse or better. I am a MM myself. In defense of yours, I'm sure he hasn't turned things off as far as feelings go. Believe it or not, I bet he's hurting too.

 

WTGFH... Now I'm intrigued by your perspective... So, in your experience, could it be that even though my MM had this "lightening bolt/epiphany" that he couldn't leave his W, even as he is there feeling victorious that he stood up for her and their M, he can still be hurting, possibly a lot? Ya, I'm fishing a bit for some satisfaction here... He must be compartmentalising to the extreme right now...

[I Miss the Kiss]

Take strength every day that you DON'T contact him!

 

Bingo! Although this day isn't over, I'm already feeling a tiny bit stronger in that I know he must be wondering how I'm doing right now, no way around it, and I am not giving him the satisfaction.

 

Now its time for HIM to wonder every second of his day what I am doing, whether I am moving on or pining over him, etc. Let HIS mind play tricks on him the same way mine has been playing tricks on me... Let HIM have that sick feeling in his stomach that maybe I just don't give a d*mn anymore...

 

The funny thing is, throughout the entire A and even through our LC periods (I don't think we were ever truly NC), I was always there for him. I have never ONCE told him it was over, that I had to end it, that I wouldn't wait for him. I stood by him and "loved him through it" every single time... so this time will be quite different for him methinks...

[silverplanets]

IMTK - I agree completely on NOT contacting him .... you're only going to re-open your wound and he's already shown that when the chips are down he's not going to put your needs first :-(

 

RIght now you're in pain, confusion, loss and I know from experience how completely overwhelming that is .... and the only person who can give you any answers is (to be honest) not going to give you any honest answers at any point.

 

Will he be missing you .. yes he will, perhaps emotionally and perhaps also because his cosy little "always there" support person is no longer available to him.

 

Do he miss you enough to leave her - no, otherwise he would have done.

 

Has he been forced to stay - no, it's just not possible. If he really wanted it he could have left with nothing and had the courage to start again (I know because i've done it).

 

Has he been honest to her about you .. NO not at all ... all he will have admited is what he had to in order to convince her he wasn't hiding anything else.

 

What are his thoughts right now ... well they are all centered on him .. preserving his marriage (in whatever form it is) first, preserving his job and status in the community second (for which is marriage will be important) and not being forced to confront the reality of his behaviour third.

 

Are any of his thoughts centered on what's best for you .. NO they are not. If they were then a) he wouldn't have let you down like this and b) he would have at least had the decency to set you emotionally free of him by explaining it all to you clearly

 

I guarantee that he has not at any point tried to put himself in your shoes and think of what you might need right now .... and yet i know you will be constantly doing that in order to try and understand what he needs.

 

This is why it's take-take from his point of view and why it is so toxic for you.

 

You can't help being emotionally inolved right now (it's too late for that) but you can draw a line under it and prevent him hurting you any more than he already has.

 

He had his choice to choose you and he didn't. He doesn't even regret his chioce (except in a missing the cosy arrangement way) as if he did then he simply has to walk out on her any day of the week.

 

There;s no way he can be held there against his will - it's his choice and he re-affirms it every day that passes.

 

At those crazy I can't stop myself emailing moments .. then maybe try one of two things ...

 

a) close the computer and walk out the door

b) if you have to write it then write it in word (so you're not tempted to his send) and then save it ... then review it in a few days time and see if you still want to send it ... normally you don't !!!

 

ps: About 2 years ago my MW who didn't leave her husband (for the second time) contacted me via email one day after runing the bus over me again with an "I still love you " email ... not big and not clever but I forwarded it to her husband and asked her to leave me alone.

 

What followed was a totally bizarre exchange and a demonstation of how little truth they actually peddle. He forwarded my email to her asking for her comment, she replied to him saying it was me chasing (which it wasn't .. I simply had given a deadline by which I was moving on and denied anyting was going on - he then forwarded that reply to me.

 

I sent back two not particularly hurtful to him emails she had sent over the last 6 months to back up my story and so it carried on.

 

Each time she confessed to only the part I'd told him about it ...

 

During this I realised how little truth there was in what she had told me about what her "status" with him was and also how she was only releasing the truth to him on a "minimum" basis ...

 

Trust me, he will be doing the same ... protecting his cosy arrangement with a web of lies and deceit ... all of which leaves you out in the cold.

 

And he's not doing it to protect you .. he's doing it go get his own way with her.

 

No contact and no more relationships with married people ... that's the positive outcome of this for you. (and then meeting someone decent :-) )

[WhereToGoFromHere]

WTGFH... Now I'm intrigued by your perspective... So, in your experience, could it be that even though my MM had this "lightening bolt/epiphany" that he couldn't leave his W, even as he is there feeling victorious that he stood up for her and their M, he can still be hurting, possibly a lot? Ya, I'm fishing a bit for some satisfaction here... He must be compartmentalising to the extreme right now...

 

I didn't read anywhere that he told you he was "feeling victorious that he stood up for her and their M". Did he say that?

 

I could only base this on my situation. There's a lot to be said for some people about obligations and doing 'whats right' vs doing what you want. I agree entering into an A is a very selfish thing to begin with. I've learned that. In the d-days I've had the pleasure of enjoying, to make the actual words come out and say "I'm done" is a very hard thing. Neither my AP or I have really been able to do that to this point. I used to think that if our SO's would make the decision for us that it would be easier, but now I think that if we really wanted to be together, we'd better be able to make that kind of decision on our own or we wouldn't have the commitment to each other we'd need to get through the rest of the damage.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that maybe he really is hurting, just like you inside. Maybe he got a huge dose of reality of what he was about to do and all the obligations came right into the fore front. Maybe he's realizing what other family and friends will be affected by all of this. Maybe he really thought he could do it when he told you that he would. Maybe he really does love you like he says. I know I love my AP more than anything. I've never said words to her that I didn't mean. She says she needs to work on her M. I love her enough to let her.

 

I know I seem to be the minority here. I'd just like to think that there are people out there that don't enter into these A's on purpose and play games to keep they're AP in the emotional frenzy..... call me crazy. I do wish that he would've had enough courtesy to at least tell you why and not just disappear. That is really chickensh*t. I'm sorry for that IMTK. I do feel your pain.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I didn't read anywhere that he told you he was "feeling victorious that he stood up for her and their M". Did he say that?

 

No, he didn't specifically say that to me.. but then again he hasn't said ANYTHING to me since the last time we talked and said "Good night. Happy New Year, baby! I love you!" on the phone late on 12/31...

 

The reason I said that about him feeling victorious is because in the past few D-days (at least 3 before this one), his W and family have patted him on the back anad told him he did the "right thing"... and then its all quiet and swept under the rug. Yes there are underlying uncomfortable situations when he has to be around his in-laws, etc., but in general its just an "atta boy" attitude as if he finally woke up and has finally come to his senses. The thing about that is that he never came to his senses... not once. We never went more than a few days or maybe a week without contact. He could never do it, neither could I.

 

So now that its been a few days, and since his cell phone # has suddenly changed (I'm thinking she finally made him do it, she has asked him to do it several times before), this is finally when he wants to *tell himself* he is the strong one, he finally got it right. He is very driven by what people think of him (not in a good way, in a way that makes him very cowardly to stand up for what he needs-- and I don't mean just in terms of me. I mean in terms of his general well being and happiness). His is a "pleaser", I guess. At his own expense, quite often...

 

I don't know why I'm wasting the little energy I have even trying to figure him out... I just wondered if there is a chance he is suffering at all! LOL

[RedDevil66]

I know you're hurting because the married guy I cheated with stopped calling me out of the blue the minute I was single. He literaly didn't answer my calls or emails (there was no txting then).

My friend finally called him to say "WTF"and he called me and said "I met somene else, I don't love you anymore and please don't call me again"

 

Turns out, I was not the only one he was cheating with.

 

I was STUNNED and devastated. I was going to move to where he was (4 hrs away), leave my great job, my family etc for this PIECE OF DIRT!

I look back (this was 11 yrs ago) and can't believe how in denial I was

 

Listen, you're feeling what your H is feeling now. You should focus on what you did and why you did it.

Make amends to your H and kids and work on getting your mental health in order.

Only someone who's not right in the mind cheats.

Please get yoursel well.

My life totally changed when I grew from my mistakes.

 

Hugs, I know, I really do, know how much you're hurting.

 

This cheater was a coward and even if he made the choice to stay with his W, he could still have called you to tell you.

He's a douche like the married guy I was with. Heartless and empty and I feel for it!

 

ugh. I feel sick when I think about it

[crystal_lostheart]

 

I don't know why I'm wasting the little energy I have even trying to figure him out... I just wondered if there is a chance he is suffering at all! LOL

 

Stop wasting energy on him... I know it's hard. Just rebuild your energy and focus on you. Although you may not believe it right now, you are worth everything. His actions are telling YOU that he doesn't want anything more. As weak as he is... Do you really want to be with someone like that?

[fooled once]

STOP trying to figure him out - you can't and won't.

 

STOP trying to contact him. IF he wanted to contact you, he would. Truly think about that - if he wanted to contact you, he would have.

 

He hasn't contacted you - he hasn't contacted you.

 

i am NOT saying this to be mean. I truly am not. I am trying to help you and to save you from feeling like a dope in a few days/weeks IF you contact him.

 

I know you want closure **hug** but you are going to have to get your head around NOT getting it. Don't lower yourself to beg him for information, to want him to tell you he still cares, etc.

 

As hard as it is, stay strong and DO NOT contact him.

 

((good luck))

[whichwayisup]

You HAVE to kill off the love, the sexual feelings, the fantasy affairyland..

 

Reality is, he's chosen his wife. WHO cares what his reasons are for the new cell number. Fact is, it's been changed. Whether or not she asked him to change it or he did it on his own doesn't matter.

 

Somehow you have to let go..grieve and cry it out.. Close your heart and know that it IS over, forever.

 

Sorry you're hurting but please, don't try to contact him or hope he'll contact you. Make yourself believe it's over, even IF he does contact you again, what's the point? To continue the A? Think about it..

[datura_noir]

All this mental energy spent on why he does things, who he is "letting" guide him, what he is thinking, how he is dealing, etc...

 

Is the energy being sucked from your valuable emotional facilities, which should be directed at yourself.

 

The feelings you are feeling now are the feelings that a BS goes through after DDay; only, they are seeing the person that caused their pain everyday!

 

It really sucks all the way around, no question.

 

If he wants to work on his marriage, then don't think of him as a coward or a loser...think of him as a man who wants to try to do right thing and let it be. If he had left his W and come to you, all of a sudden he would be a great guy? Why the double standard?

 

People screw up, get off track. He did it royally. Allow him the same grace you allow yourself.

 

And BTW, DON"T DO IT!!

[whichwayisup]

I just want to add something else.. Like it or not - He has every right to change his mind.. He chose to cheat and have an affair, he can choose to end it and go back home. He's selfish and self serving and is going to blow whereever the wind takes him.. He's going to do what's best and easist for him.

 

He isn't married to you, he made no vows, he's not obligated to you, but he IS to his wife.

 

Not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to get you to see things from another angle, one that will piss you off and react, enough that you'll NOT want to contact him and be ANGRY, not want him to contact you. Where is your anger??????