HeavenOrHell Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I wasn't insecure for all those 18 years with my ex. I felt so secure and loved with him and he did with me until the last 2 years. I cant see the point in me having another relationship. If he left me then so will the next person and the one after that, why would they stay with me if he didn't when we were so perfect together for so long. I don't get it. How will I trust anyone with what they say. Anyone else will just leave when they get bored or whatever. It's all just a pointless waste of time. I wanted to grow old with him. I somehow knew I'd end up old and lonely. And it sucks that on all the dating sites there are so many younger and prettier than me that I don't stand a chance now, I used to have no trouble finding a partner, this is the longest I've been on my own. Not that I am ready for anything heavy, but I don't think I will be lucky enough to find anyone anyway. Not easy when you're shy, 43, unconventional, don't do pubs, clubs etc, I don't even wear make up, and I don't want to! Single from now on then I guess
worlybear Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Just wanted to say- don't give up on yourself- I've felt like you too but have found that by making myself go out and meet people I am slowly getting there. There are some really nice people out there, a lot of them feeling just as nervous and shy as you- give them an yourself a chance. You're worth it!
sean1970 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I wasn't insecure for all those 18 years with my ex. I felt so secure and loved with him and he did with me until the last 2 years. Probably because you drew confidence only from the relationship. I cant see the point in me having another relationship. Thats fine for now... You have more time to work on you. I wanted to grow old with him. Not always Heaven. You left him at points, yes? How much have you thougt about how you felt then? And it sucks that on all the dating sites there are so many younger and prettier than me that I don't stand a chance now, Some rough numbers.... Earth's current population: 6,692,030,277... 50% Men: 3,346,015,138... Your chances are good I used to have no trouble finding a partner, this is the longest I've been on my own. Again, you believe intensely that being on your own for a spell is a negative. On contrary, this will be the experience that will make you more attractive if you handle it right. We are all attracted to independent, self-sufficient, confident people. I don't even wear make up, and I don't want to! Thats fine but, why not? Single from now on then I guess Just remember that this is a choice Heaven...
DenverBachelor Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Some rough numbers.... Earth's current population: 6,692,030,277... 50% Men: 3,346,015,138... So many women ... so little time!
DenverBachelor Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I wasn't insecure for all those 18 years with my ex. I felt so secure and loved with him and he did with me until the last 2 years. I cant see the point in me having another relationship. If he left me then so will the next person and the one after that, why would they stay with me if he didn't when we were so perfect together for so long. I don't get it. How will I trust anyone with what they say. Anyone else will just leave when they get bored or whatever. It's all just a pointless waste of time. I wanted to grow old with him. I somehow knew I'd end up old and lonely. Sorry, but this is a defeatist attitude that will only bring you what you're wishing right now. Do you really want to be alone? If not, don't wallow in self-pity. Let's turn it all around to an equally valid argument. I'll start this scenario by pretending to be a user called HellorHeaven HellorHeaven: I had a great long-term relationship with a man who unfortunately decided he wanted to go down a different path. We spent 18 wonderful years together, though, and I got a lot of great memories and experiences shared with him. Wow, that's almost three times longer than the average long-term relationship! I can't wait to share more experiences in my life with another wonderful person. Geesh, there are so many great people out there! It will be hard to pick just one, so maybe I'll take some time out for myself and just see people and have good times for awhile. .....
GrayClouds Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I wasn't insecure for all those 18 years with my ex. I felt so secure and loved with him and he did with me until the last 2 years. this is the longest I've been on my own. Maybe that is the issue. We all need to learn certain things in life and generally we are given those lesson to learn when we are ready, maybe not willing, but ready. You decision to learn them or not is up to us. Yes this is the longest you been alone and maybe it is time to learn how to fill secure and loved alone as you did in a relationship. Question are you willing? I cant see the point in me having another relationship. If he left me then so will the next person and the one after that, why would they stay with me if he didn't when we were so perfect together for so long. I don't get it. The fact is it felt perfect for you but not for him so he left. And maybe the a contributing factor in the break-up was that you had not learn the lesson of self sufficiency, self security. How will I trust anyone with what they say. Anyone else will just leave when they get bored or whatever. It's all just a pointless waste of time. You are correct if anything stays the same then likely the same will happen. If you learn the lesson of being content, secure and happy alone then you have change a major variable in yourself. When you change you change the type of people how are attracted to you. This create a new pattern rather the realizing the old pattern. I wanted to grow old with him. I somehow knew I'd end up old and lonely. See how strong you are in your life, you are creating your beliefs. Maybe it is time to put your energy into more reward beliefs. But it take more then wanting to believe or even just believing. It takes action. And most of the time it take the action of the belief and the belief follows. I want to be in shape. But believing I want to be in shape will not get me there. Pushing my fat a$$ to the gym will. But when I get there and try to workout every muscle in my body tells me I am not in shape, and I believe those muscles. And When I wake up in the morning and those muscles are sore as hell, I still believe I am not in shape. But as I cantiue behaving as someone who is, slowly I become someone is is, and then I believe I am some who is. So what muscle do you need to work to change your beliefs? And it sucks that on all the dating sites there are so many younger and prettier than me that I don't stand a chance now, I used to have no trouble finding a partner, Why because you were pretty maybe now you have a chance for someone to be attractive to who you are. Interesting idea. Not that I am ready for anything heavy, but I don't think I will be lucky enough to find anyone anyway. Again as strong minded as you are, if that is what you believ eI am sure you will make it true. Not easy when you're shy, 43, unconventional, don't do pubs, clubs etc, I don't even wear make up, and I don't want to! There is no one else unconventional and single in the world. What thing are you doing to meet other unconventional people. Go work part time at a natural food store, those place are full unshaving, no make up hippy types. Volunteer at the local Greenpeace group and you be up to your neck in anti-establishment merriment men. Maybe help out at the animal shelter which are full of bleeding heart humanistic mine types. How about volunteering at Habitat for Humanity build you do not need make-up if your caring a sexy tool belt. If you pride yourself on being unconventional then you pride yourself on being creative, GET CREATIVE. Single from now on then I guess True if that is what you really want.
Blueberry7691 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 43 is still young!!! There are a ton of men who don't care if a woman wears makeup because she's still beautiful!!! Don't sell yourself short. I'm sure you have a lot to offer. You're just in a bad place now (emotionally). Time heals...
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Thanks I'm doing all the right things, made several new friends and trying new things, I haven't sat at home pining away, I'm busy but I feel depressed and my heart feels heavy and so sad. Just wanted to say- don't give up on yourself- I've felt like you too but have found that by making myself go out and meet people I am slowly getting there. There are some really nice people out there, a lot of them feeling just as nervous and shy as you- give them an yourself a chance. You're worth it!
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 I did get a lot of confidence from the relationship, quite natural to if you're in a loving relationship, it does boost your confidence. I get confidence from my friends too and the work I do. I just badly miss the affection, togetherness, feeling special and loved from my partner. I wonder how confident any of us would feel if we had only ourselves to look to it for it? I think a lot of us would struggle with it, I'm not saying it's a good thing to look to others to help boost us, but I think we all do it. No, I never left him, I never wanted to, I always loved him and wanted him, he left me twice 9 years ago, not from neglect then but cos we had got into a rut, since he came back he would regularly say "why did I ever leave you, it makes me cringe to think of it, I cant believe I left you, I can't live without you." I wouldn't prompt him to say it, he would just say it. He even said it a few weeks before saying he might be leaving me, and I felt at my most solid with him ever. I've never stopped loving him and I can't just stop loving him just because he has stopped. If I have a partner again I want a vegetarian partner as it's something which is hugely important to me, so it cuts out 96% of the population!! Still that's my lookout, my choice. It will be good for me to be on my own for a while, even though I didn't stop the rest of my life when I became his partner, the opposite in fact-took it to the extreme doing my own thing-I do need to work on my anxiety and social anxiety. It was tough as he has ongoing help for his depression and I got no help, I cant go to the one support group as he's in it. I was hard to live with with my anxiety at times but he says he was hard to live with too cos of his depression, despite that we were always laughing and being silly together, right til the end, we still are. I did become complacent with regard to sorting my anxiety out, it is easy to become complacent in a long term relationship, so now is the time to work on it properly. I'm attracted to shy people rather than confident people, I don't think we're all attracted to the same type of person, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who seems totally self sufficient, I think most of us want to feel needed by our partner. I used to wear make up, but I haven't done for years, I used to put some on now and again my ex said I didn't need it, ha! Flattery I guess. I'm not really interested in make up, once you start wearing it you feel like crap when you're not wearing it, I don't want to get back into that again! Probably because you drew confidence only from the relationship. Thats fine for now... You have more time to work on you. Not always Heaven. You left him at points, yes? How much have you thougt about how you felt then? Some rough numbers.... Earth's current population: 6,692,030,277... 50% Men: 3,346,015,138... Your chances are good Again, you believe intensely that being on your own for a spell is a negative. On contrary, this will be the experience that will make you more attractive if you handle it right. We are all attracted to independent, self-sufficient, confident people. Thats fine but, why not? Just remember that this is a choice Heaven...
LovelyDaze Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Sorry, but this is a defeatist attitude that will only bring you what you're wishing right now. Do you really want to be alone? If not, don't wallow in self-pity. Let's turn it all around to an equally valid argument. I'll start this scenario by pretending to be a user called HellorHeaven HellorHeaven: I had a great long-term relationship with a man who unfortunately decided he wanted to go down a different path. We spent 18 wonderful years together, though, and I got a lot of great memories and experiences shared with him. Wow, that's almost three times longer than the average long-term relationship! I can't wait to share more experiences in my life with another wonderful person. Geesh, there are so many great people out there! It will be hard to pick just one, so maybe I'll take some time out for myself and just see people and have good times for awhile. ..... That's what I am trying to think too. HOH, just carry all that you've learned into the next relationship with all of the love and disappointments that a relationship is. You have to believe that you WILL find another wonderful man in your life. My mom did. My mom was dating this guy for about 7-8 years and just KNEW they were going to marry someday. One day she found he had been cheating for years with multiple women...it tore her heart in pieces. She took a lot of time out & just worked and finished her Masters degree until she met my step-dad on a whim. They married just a couple of years ago and they are so very happy! And it was my mom that SWORE that she would never ever find another man to love...HA!!! So believe in yourself. Believe that you are beautiful, independent, fun and a great catch. That spirit will radiate and attract the right guy and you will remember what you said and laugh yourself silly!
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 (edited) >Maybe that is the issue. We all need to learn certain things in life and generally we are given those lesson to learn when we are ready, maybe not willing, but ready. You decision to learn them or not is up to us. Yes this is the longest you been alone and maybe it is time to learn how to fill secure and loved alone as you did in a relationship. Question are you willing?< I know what people are saying when they say that if we're dumped then it's time to work on us, and I agree I have stuff to work on, same as my ex does, but it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone who is dumped is the one with the problem, surely some people who are dumped have already done loads of work and maybe the problem, or part of the problem, is with the dumper? Yes I would like to feel secure and loved whether single or not, but don't we all look for love and security for some extent from our partner? >The fact is it felt perfect for you but not for him so he left. And maybe the a contributing factor in the break-up was that you had not learn the lesson of self sufficiency, self security. < Well the reasons he gave were neglect as I was too busy for him/us, so I was being TOO self sufficient, he said he didn't feel loved, needed or important anymore. I never felt insecure in our relationship, that was a mistake though, assuming we were secure when we weren't the last 2 years. I am quite an independent person. The lessons I HAVE learned though are that if I am in a relationship I need to make time for my partner and to keep a balance in my life, I also want to work on my social anxiety so that me and my partner can do more social things together. >You are correct if anything stays the same then likely the same will happen. If you learn the lesson of being content, secure and happy alone then you have change a major variable in yourself. When you change you change the type of people how are attracted to you. This create a new pattern rather the realizing the old pattern. See how strong you are in your life, you are creating your beliefs. Maybe it is time to put your energy into more reward beliefs. But it take more then wanting to believe or even just believing. It takes action. And most of the time it take the action of the belief and the belief follows. I want to be in shape. But believing I want to be in shape will not get me there. Pushing my fat a$$ to the gym will. But when I get there and try to workout every muscle in my body tells me I am not in shape, and I believe those muscles. And When I wake up in the morning and those muscles are sore as hell, I still believe I am not in shape. But as I cantiue behaving as someone who is, slowly I become someone is is, and then I believe I am some who is. So what muscle do you need to work to change your beliefs?< I've been changing the things I want to change since before he left, I don't sit around pining, I am busy and have new friends etc etc, I know I have to work on things for them to change, to bring good things back into my life, they don't just happen, unless you're very lucky! Irony is I was so busy, had too much going on in my life and he felt unimportant, then he said he might be leaving so I toned it all down to make time for us, to focus on us for as long as need be, now I'm having to build it all back up again, sad thing is everything seems to have no meaning now, depression making me feel that I guess. I'm rebuilding my life but I am very depressed because he is not by my side. >Why because you were pretty maybe now you have a chance for someone to be attractive to who you are. Interesting idea. < My ex loved me for my personality first and foremost But yes I need to work on my self esteem, we both have low self esteem (me and ex) but our love for each other did boost us and now I have to look to myself for it now it's gone down lower now I've been dumped. >Again as strong minded as you are, if that is what you believ eI am sure you will make it true.< Funny how negative thinking comes more easily than positive Why is that?! >There is no one else unconventional and single in the world. What thing are you doing to meet other unconventional people. Go work part time at a natural food store, those place are full unshaving, no make up hippy types. Volunteer at the local Greenpeace group and you be up to your neck in anti-establishment merriment men. Maybe help out at the animal shelter which are full of bleeding heart humanistic mine types. How about volunteering at Habitat for Humanity build you do not need make-up if your caring a sexy tool belt. If you pride yourself on being unconventional then you pride yourself on being creative, GET CREATIVE. < It's ok I am getting out there and not hiding away at home, I've been getting out there with voluntary work etc since he left and getting in touch with like minded people online. I am doing all these things, but I still feel lost and empty without him, it's going to take time I guess, I can't just stop loving him just cos he has stopped loving me. Thanks GC Edited January 8, 2010 by HeavenOrHell
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Ok, thanks DB Sorry, but this is a defeatist attitude that will only bring you what you're wishing right now. Do you really want to be alone? If not, don't wallow in self-pity. Let's turn it all around to an equally valid argument. I'll start this scenario by pretending to be a user called HellorHeaven HellorHeaven: I had a great long-term relationship with a man who unfortunately decided he wanted to go down a different path. We spent 18 wonderful years together, though, and I got a lot of great memories and experiences shared with him. Wow, that's almost three times longer than the average long-term relationship! I can't wait to share more experiences in my life with another wonderful person. Geesh, there are so many great people out there! It will be hard to pick just one, so maybe I'll take some time out for myself and just see people and have good times for awhile. .....
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 I will try Thank you for your positive post That's what I am trying to think too. HOH, just carry all that you've learned into the next relationship with all of the love and disappointments that a relationship is. You have to believe that you WILL find another wonderful man in your life. My mom did. My mom was dating this guy for about 7-8 years and just KNEW they were going to marry someday. One day she found he had been cheating for years with multiple women...it tore her heart in pieces. She took a lot of time out & just worked and finished her Masters degree until she met my step-dad on a whim. They married just a couple of years ago and they are so very happy! And it was my mom that SWORE that she would never ever find another man to love...HA!!! So believe in yourself. Believe that you are beautiful, independent, fun and a great catch. That spirit will radiate and attract the right guy and you will remember what you said and laugh yourself silly!
Recommended Posts