thatguy85 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 This post is similar to some of my older threads but I'll try to be brief. Been dating this girl for almost a month now, and feels like I'm really falling for her. She has so many qualities I look for in a woman, and just being with her makes me happy. When I am not with her I think about her non-stop. Problem is, I'm scared to move the relationship to the next level. It's well documented here from my threads but I just recently got out of a long and serious relationship. I'm in my mid 20s, and am single for the first time in a long time. I have enjoyed the dating scene and the random hookups and all of the non-responsibilities of being single. My friends all say this is the only time I'll have in my life to be young and "have fun"... and since I've only been single for a few months they call me crazy for even considering getting serious with another girl. I actually tend to agree. HOWEVER, I have very strong feelings for this girl, and it would be painful to let her go. Anyone ever been in this situation before?
phineas Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 What does she want? If she has said she wants to get serious then you need to make a decision. If she hasn't said anything then why would you? It's only been a month.
Author thatguy85 Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 What does she want? If she has said she wants to get serious then you need to make a decision. If she hasn't said anything then why would you? It's only been a month. She says she's okay with what we have now, but she also says things like "I don't want to have to share you" which make me think that she has plans for me.
boogieboy Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Youre probably serious with her now because youre tired of the random hookups and dealing with women you DONT care about. One person that cares about you is better than random hookups. DOnt listen to your friends and enjoy yourself with this woman.
Simon Attwood Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 She says she's okay with what we have now, but she also says things like "I don't want to have to share you" which make me think that she has plans for me. Share you? Do you have a Harem?
DustySaltus Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Hey, you know my thoughts on this already. Does she know about your prior situation?
Author thatguy85 Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 Hey, you know my thoughts on this already. Does she know about your prior situation? Hey DS - You are actually the reason for why I made this thread. The last one I made was just about not wanting to play her or be unfair to her, and you helped me realize a whole different thing to think about. I appreciated your input, so I wanted to see what others thought. Yes she does know... We have had many deep conversations over the past few weeks and she is completely aware of my situation. In fact, I already spilled the beans on the darkest of my skeletons already, and she is incredibly understanding and says "That doesn't bother me at all" or "it's not a big deal to me" or "Not only is it reasonable for you to feel that way, but I'd think something was wrong for you if you didn't"... In a nutshhell - she's very understanding. She has also confided things to me that she was embarrassed of and told me that "i can't believe how much i trust you, only 2 other people know these things about me, i must be crazy for telling you these things"... Her secrets don't bother me either whatsover. It's a good feeling to feel wanted after telling people your darkest secrets.
Author thatguy85 Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 Share you? Do you have a Harem? Haha I don't have a Harem... but she knows I was seeing other girls before I met her, and it was her way of being funny and saying she wanted me all to herself. boogieboyYoure probably serious with her now because youre tired of the random hookups and dealing with women you DONT care about. One person that cares about you is better than random hookups. DOnt listen to your friends and enjoy yourself with this woman. I am a little tired of it I guess... I have only been single for like 4 months now and have already dated maybe 10 or so girls that I was just NOT into. It was like the dating scene from "Coming to America". I dated some weirdos. The random hookups have been a good time, and hooking up randomly is something that I've never done before in my life because the last time I was single, I was in highschool (and was a big loser back then... **** I probably still am right now). Most of my friends are either players or cheaters though, and I admit that when I was in my last serious relationship I envied the whole "going out and picking up girls" thing as my relationship was falling apart.
DustySaltus Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Hey DS - You are actually the reason for why I made this thread. The last one I made was just about not wanting to play her or be unfair to her, and you helped me realize a whole different thing to think about. I appreciated your input, so I wanted to see what others thought. Yes she does know... We have had many deep conversations over the past few weeks and she is completely aware of my situation. In fact, I already spilled the beans on the darkest of my skeletons already, and she is incredibly understanding and says "That doesn't bother me at all" or "it's not a big deal to me" or "Not only is it reasonable for you to feel that way, but I'd think something was wrong for you if you didn't"... In a nutshhell - she's very understanding. She has also confided things to me that she was embarrassed of and told me that "i can't believe how much i trust you, only 2 other people know these things about me, i must be crazy for telling you these things"... Her secrets don't bother me either whatsover. It's a good feeling to feel wanted after telling people your darkest secrets. This girl sounds like a keeper. The girl I am seeing now reacted the same way when I told her my situation and I've decided to make a go at it. I have to agree with Boogie, i'll take a solid woman over a group of unknowns anyday of the week. If she makes you happy, that's the most important thing. Cut down the harem.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 You're not ready. If you get into a relationship now you will probably cheat. Once a guy gets a "taste" of the single life and the effortless pleasure of random hookups, it's hard for him to drop it all after just a month or so. Just my opinion.
DustySaltus Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 You're not ready. If you get into a relationship now you will probably cheat. Once a guy gets a "taste" of the single life and the effortless pleasure of random hookups, it's hard for him to drop it all after just a month or so. Just my opinion. I think it's been about 4 months for him now. Sure, the "taste" is great at first but it can get stale after a while. How soon it becomes stale is based on the individual...
Author thatguy85 Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 You're not ready. If you get into a relationship now you will probably cheat. Once a guy gets a "taste" of the single life and the effortless pleasure of random hookups, it's hard for him to drop it all after just a month or so. Just my opinion. thanks for your opinion. For what it's worth I've been single now for 4 months, not one (not that there's a huge difference there)... And with all due respect I've been in 2 relationships that lasted a total of 7 years which is longer than a quarter of my entire life... Never cheated, and after knowing what it feels like to be cheated on, I never ever will. Here's a follow up question for you though.. Would it be easier to give up single life after just a few months of it, or after several years of it?
Ruby Slippers Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 It's up to you. What do you like more: being with her or being a free agent? Yes, we know you like them both, but which one wins? Pick a side, throw yourself into it, and you can't lose.
Author thatguy85 Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 It's up to you. What do you like more: being with her or being a free agent? Yes, we know you like them both, but which one wins? Pick a side, throw yourself into it, and you can't lose. Right, thats the hard part.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 thanks for your opinion. For what it's worth I've been single now for 4 months, not one (not that there's a huge difference there)... And with all due respect I've been in 2 relationships that lasted a total of 7 years which is longer than a quarter of my entire life... Never cheated, and after knowing what it feels like to be cheated on, I never ever will. Here's a follow up question for you though.. Would it be easier to give up single life after just a few months of it, or after several years of it? I'm not suggesting several years...I only drew my opinion from the fact that your initial post seemed to contain a strong argument for being single and having multiple partners...but not such a strong argument for being in a relationship right now. Which I can totally understand...your last relationship screwed you over. But ultimately it's what Ruby Slippers said...you have to decide which you like more.
Simon Attwood Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Right, thats the hard part. Then toss a coin
Author thatguy85 Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 I'm not suggesting several years...I only drew my opinion from the fact that your initial post seemed to contain a strong argument for being single and having multiple partners...but not such a strong argument for being in a relationship right now. Which I can totally understand...your last relationship screwed you over. But ultimately it's what Ruby Slippers said...you have to decide which you like more. I didn't mean for my post to sound hostile, you post made perfect sense, and I have enjoyed being single very very much. If my tone seemed to lean more towards single life than relationship life, then that is something for me to seriously analyze. I am curious to find out though if it's easier to transition to a relationship after being happily single for a short period vs. being happily single for a long period.
O'Malley Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 When you are extremely interested in pursuing a relationship with someone, you don't worry that your single life is coming to a close. It's fine that your interest in this girl is relatively lukewarm (it's only been a month) but you need to make clear that you are not looking for exclusivity or a commitment at this time. Allow her make her own decision.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 When you are extremely interested in pursuing a relationship with someone' date=' you don't worry that your single life is coming to a close.[/quote'] I tend to agree. But he is a mid-20s guy in the Age of Options Oversaturation. Can hardly blame him (or anyone) for feeling conflicted. He's smart to think this through carefully, and shows more maturity than most guys in their mid-20s.
stace79 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Sounds to me like you tend to worry a little too much what your friends do and think. I think you know deep in your heart & mind how much you really like this girl (or not) and how much you do/don't want to continue this single lifestyle. Ya just gotta pick and move forward and have no regrets. Even not choosing is a decision...so just focus on being happy and making yourself a better person. There's no wrong or right answer here, as long as you're honest with this girl about your mindset and whether or not you're ready/interested in a commitment again. Having recently ended an engagement and 3.5 year relationship myself, I'd say that you'd know if a person was captivating enough to take you back off the market. If you're wishy-washy about it, you may not be ready yet.
mem11363 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 If a woman is ok sleeping with you while you "see" other people then IMO you don't want to marry her. You want to go on dates and kiss - and keep it open fine. But once you start having sex - if she is the real deal - you are either into her enough to forgo others or you aren't. I will share a bit of gray hair with you. The real question is NOT how many women do you nail before you get engaged. The real - real question is whether you marry someone who is really right for you and that means if sex is important to YOU that you make sure it is important to her and that she is into you enough that she will make it a priority later on when her body goes into a mild sexual hibernation after having children. I locked in at 26 - and sure I could have had a lot of wild monkey sex with different women before settling down. But I had dated enough/had sex with enough women to have a baseline for comparison when I met my wife. And frankly I have been happily having hot monkey sex with JUST HER for the last 20 years - and will continue to til death due us part. So if you plan to have an "average" marriage - then hold off and date as long as you can. Because in the average marriage, the man gets no where near the amount of sex - and the quality of sex - that he wants. And the woman gets no where near the quality of attention that she wants. But if you can find someone you really really mesh with - do not pass that up. She says she's okay with what we have now, but she also says things like "I don't want to have to share you" which make me think that she has plans for me.
Author thatguy85 Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 If a woman is ok sleeping with you while you "see" other people then IMO you don't want to marry her. You want to go on dates and kiss - and keep it open fine. But once you start having sex - if she is the real deal - you are either into her enough to forgo others or you aren't. I will share a bit of gray hair with you. The real question is NOT how many women do you nail before you get engaged. The real - real question is whether you marry someone who is really right for you and that means if sex is important to YOU that you make sure it is important to her and that she is into you enough that she will make it a priority later on when her body goes into a mild sexual hibernation after having children. I locked in at 26 - and sure I could have had a lot of wild monkey sex with different women before settling down. But I had dated enough/had sex with enough women to have a baseline for comparison when I met my wife. And frankly I have been happily having hot monkey sex with JUST HER for the last 20 years - and will continue to til death due us part. So if you plan to have an "average" marriage - then hold off and date as long as you can. Because in the average marriage, the man gets no where near the amount of sex - and the quality of sex - that he wants. And the woman gets no where near the quality of attention that she wants. But if you can find someone you really really mesh with - do not pass that up. Yeah I don't know about this post dude IMO. I mean first of all, I think talking marriage after knowing her for one month is jumping the gun a bit. I also think that judging a potential marriage we could have based on when/if we have sex in the first month, and what our situations were in the first month is a little wild. I've mentioned earlier that we've had some very open and deep conversations, sex was a topic we have discussed as far as how many partners we've had, what we've accomplished, what we want to try, etc. So basically, she knows who I've been with, and when. We have already had sex by the way... and I mdon't think you can judge the entire course of the relationship based on that. I appreciate your input, I really do. I came here to get a variety of opinions... but I do respectfully disagree.
Author thatguy85 Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 I tend to agree. But he is a mid-20s guy in the Age of Options Oversaturation. Can hardly blame him (or anyone) for feeling conflicted. He's smart to think this through carefully, and shows more maturity than most guys in their mid-20s. I appreciate you understanding my conflicted feelings here, almost as I appreciate you thinking that I have some maturity. I actually get that alot, even though I tend to think of myself as incredibly immature. But yes I think that because of my age and options... this choice is a lot harder than I'd like it to be. Sounds to me like you tend to worry a little too much what your friends do and think. I think you know deep in your heart & mind how much you really like this girl (or not) and how much you do/don't want to continue this single lifestyle. Ya just gotta pick and move forward and have no regrets. Even not choosing is a decision...so just focus on being happy and making yourself a better person. There's no wrong or right answer here, as long as you're honest with this girl about your mindset and whether or not you're ready/interested in a commitment again. Having recently ended an engagement and 3.5 year relationship myself, I'd say that you'd know if a person was captivating enough to take you back off the market. If you're wishy-washy about it, you may not be ready yet. I think you're right on point man it's just hard I feel really guarded and since I started being single I had planned on just going nuts. I didn't want to meet a girl like her because I didn't want this to happen.. but it did.
lordWilhelm Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 From what you say about her, it seems to me that you like her very much, you're very compatible, and most importantly are able to communicate very well. If things don't work out with her, then you're back to being single... which you're also okay with. This seems like a no-brainer.
OceanTropic Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 There is no specific time period you need to wait to fall in love again. It can come once in a lifetime or it can come 10 times. Don't listen to what everyone else says. I would suggest keeping it at the same pace. Just don't think about it. If it progresses to more serious, then that means it happened naturally. Don't think about it. Keep doing what you are doing now, and if she asks to get more serious, tell her if it happens then it happens, that you don't want to rush anything, and that you enjoy every moment.
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