question for guys. would you be put off dating a woman who has three kids at 31

[Zeta4PhiSius]

tigereyes1428 wrote:

 

just wondered the opinions of men - would you be put off dating a woman who had three children at 31 by three fathers?

 

For me, I really wouldn't mind or be put off by any of the above as long as the lady herself was pretty attractive personality and figure wise. A few extra pounds is okay but not obese.

 

What I would mind, however, is if the lady lied to me about not having children and I found out later on she does after having been in the relationship awhile.

[carhill]

If otherwise compatible, no worries; love kids. She'd have to love my cat

[tigereyes1428]

thanks guys - i am very grateful to everyone who took the time to answer this x

[Woggle]

Being a single mom is a red flag but not a dealbreaker. I would have to find out the history behind it because history repeats itself. 3 kids by three different men is worrisome though because it shows a history of bad decision making.

[sally4sara]

Being a single mom is a red flag but not a dealbreaker. I would have to find out the history behind it because history repeats itself. 3 kids by three different men is worrisome though because it shows a history of bad decision making.

 

And lucky for you that your wife was able to look past your bad decisions that caused her to get bullets shot at her?......and you chalked up her being able to look past that as being "a keeper". Not so much "a keeper" yourself though. We'll add that as one bad decision she made in you.

 

I have a child with my ex husband. That ex husband does try to be a headache to my fiance and I when he is single and has nothing better to do. I could see how a guy who was less secure in himself and more territorial to perhaps not want to take on the drama that can come with being involved with a single mom. But then - I don't think I'd want to be with a less secure and more territorial guy than my fiance. Isn't it funny how that works itself out?

 

And fer effs sake folks, I see myself as pretty average; I've never had an abortion.

[Woggle]

And lucky for you that your wife was able to look past your bad decisions that caused her to get bullets shot at her?......and you chalked up her being able to look past that as being "a keeper". Not so much "a keeper" yourself though. We'll add that as one bad decision she made in you.

 

.

 

That was one bad decision and I learned from it. If you notice I did not marry a psycho drug addict the 2nd time around. Having 3 kids by 3 different dads shows a pattern that repeats itself.

[tahoebuffy]

I don't get the caliber of responses your post garnered. Some of those were just plain rude (calling it disgusting??!) and what the hell is with that one guys preoccupation with abortion?? For the record, the majority of women do not run around getting pregnant from every tom, dick, and harry they meet and then scamper off to the abortion clinic like it was birth control. The overwhelming majority are quite careful about making sure birth control is used, and generally an abortion would take place when she is very young and naive about sexual choices and consequences, but tends to learn her lesson promptly. Whatever kind of women he is hanging around...I dont know. Secondly, extreme abortion opinions coming from a MAN are considerably laughable considering that a man can never fully understand what it is like to have to choose. Abortion is a necessary social service, and if you did any actual research on the subject (books) you would know that.

 

Now, as to the question at hand: I might be freaked out if I was dating a 31 year old man with 3 different children from 3 different women for many reasons, so I get your reluctance. These are the things that would cross my mind:

1. Why is this person so casual about birth control considering the number of partners?

2. If we have a broken condom event, does this mean I get to be a daddy, possibly against my will?

3. Am I ready to BE a stand in father to 3 young children?

4. Do I properly understand that committing to this woman is also a committment to her children? (single mothers are a package deal bro)

5. Am I truly okay with NOT being the single most important thing in her life?

6. Will I be able to accept that MY first child will not be HER first child, but ground that she has already covered 3 times with someone else?

7. Am I okay with the thought of OUR future child being the last in line?

8. Does she see me as a financial lifesaver here to enable her to stay home with her kids full time?

9. What will be the emotional toll on the children should they become accustomed to you and you break up? (which has already happened to the oldest child TWICE)

10. Can I accept that her children may never fully take to me, considering they have seen men come and go already?

 

 

Also, given the circumstances, I would question what her mental state is, because 3 babies by 3 daddies at such a young age reeks of irresponsibility and possibly worse. Not that there arent perfectly normal people this happens to, but bouncing around getting pregnant every couple of years by different boyfriends just seems weird to me. Personally, as I am childless, I want a man who is also childless, meaning that I want my first child to also be his first child.

[Lishy]

It shows you don't have enough common sense to use a condom, or get on the pill, or simply close your damn legs. Three children by three different men shows that you have no respect for marriage; you will, by default, always have to be in contact with three different men (unless they're deadbeat dads, wouldn't doubt it for a minute, considering the circumstances); and also shows that you have very little respect for yourself and your children as well. How would those kids feel when they grow up, having to explain, "No, Sibling #1 and #2 were born by my mom, but because my mom slept with three different men each of us has a different dad."

 

Statistical data will show that your children will have a much more difficult time really making it in the world, but hey I hope the sex was great!

 

Could you be any more judgemental if you tried? Urghhh people like you make me sick

 

You judge others but you need to look in the mirror - I would rather date the OP with all her baggage than you with your crappy attitude and thats a fact!

 

Sorry if I am being a tad harsh but seeing as you can hand it out, I am sure you can take it!

[carhill]

Would you date a man who has children with three different women? Why?

[tigereyes1428]

stunned - by canned starfish have not even let your comments affect me at all as i can see your a spoilt insecure child - my kids may have different fathers but i can assure you that if any one them grew up with an attitude as narrow minded and vulgar as yours then i would be absolutely ashamed of them, its nothing to do with sex (most 31 years old have slept with 3 people) and i have a mature respectful relationship with each of my ex's as we created something wonderful that i will make no apologies for, my first two children were planned and very much wanted - the 3rd a wonderful surprise,

and in reply to the question if i would date a man with 3 kids by 3 woman - if he was a great father then absolutely it is a very attractive quality in a man to see him love his child unconditionally

[carhill]

OP, my question was more of a general one for the other female respondents but I'm curious to know if you've found yourself more likely to date such men than single childless men? Practical experience here. I know a couple of guys (actually children of friends of mine) your age with children by different women and the custody and parenting in such situations can be exceedingly complex. What's your perspective, practically speaking? Love can be unconditional for the child, but realities are quite conditional.

 

FWIW, when I was around your age, I had some practical experience dating a couple ladies like yourself. Personally, I found them too wrapped up in the dynamics of custody and parenting to make a good marital partner, but those were specific instances and not indicative of any norm, hence my prior response.

[tinktronik]

Would you date a man who has children with three different women? Why?

 

Carhill, I am a 30 y/o woman with three children. However, they were all the result of one marriage and a single ex to deal with after the fact. In the ensuing years I have struggled with if I should have another child because the idea of having children with different parentage is a turn off to me.

 

I would not date a man with three children with three different mothers.

 

Why? IMO it shows a lack of self-control, a lack of life planning and a casualness about parenting I am uncomfortable with, I wouldn't want to be involved in a situation where there were multiple women to deal with endlessly or a situation where some of the mother's had taken a hike. It suggests a disfunction-ality that I would expect to spill over into other aspects of the father's life. It also suggests that the father would be unable to learn lessons important to commitment and the ideas of bringing children into a long-term stable relationship.

 

I wanted to add that the 30 something age makes a huge difference here. I think I would consider dating a 50 y/o man who had had 3 kids in 30 years to 3 different women. But not a man who had 3 kids with 3 different women in only 10 years of adulthood.

Edited January 8, 2010 by tinktronik

[tigereyes1428]

carhill. i am still with my partner father of 3rd child with whom this is his first child, perhaps your right that i find a good father attractive as my life revolves heavily around kids and therefore it makes sense that we have similar interests and priorities, and i would be more than happy to come after someones kids and full of admiration for someone who would quite rightly tell me so.

as for co-parenting with exes - i wont lie there was a time when i felt it would never work - but i can say that i have a schedule which works very well now - i hold my hands up and say that until the last few years i would tend to allow anger at my 2 nd ex's betrayal to influence my decisions and when he turned up 1 day after leaving me with a new girl expecting to see our son with no warning to our son about who she was - i was guilty of saying you cant see him when she is there etc.. then i realised i was only hurting my son and I and that i had to move on . i guess my real reason for even asking this question is the disbelief that many people feel that because my first two relationships did not work even though i was fully committed to both , then i should not want a family life with a new partner etc, as i had my chances - when at 30 years surely that cant be right'?

[tinktronik]

carhill. i am still with my partner father of 3rd child with whom this is his first child, perhaps your right that i find a good father attractive as my life revolves heavily around kids and therefore it makes sense that we have similar interests and priorities, and i would be more than happy to come after someones kids and full of admiration for someone who would quite rightly tell me so.

as for co-parenting with exes - i wont lie there was a time when i felt it would never work - but i can say that i have a schedule which works very well now - i hold my hands up and say that until the last few years i would tend to allow anger at my 2 nd ex's betrayal to influence my decisions and when he turned up 1 day after leaving me with a new girl expecting to see our son with no warning to our son about who she was - i was guilty of saying you cant see him when she is there etc.. then i realised i was only hurting my son and I and that i had to move on . i guess my real reason for even asking this question is the disbelief that many people feel that because my first two relationships did not work even though i was fully committed to both , then i should not want a family life with a new partner etc, as i had my chances - when at 30 years surely that cant be right'?

That wasn't your question. You asked if we would be interested in dating someone in your sitch. You may have been committed but for whatever reason your relationships were not committed relationships and you rushed forward and had children anyway. Your life choices do affect your life and these are big life choices.

[carhill]

IMO, these are situations where compatibility is critical. Not only would the man have to be 'really into children' but be comfortable with those children, in nearly all instances, being prioritized before himself, from the very beginning. How a man processes romantic bonding is critical to this dynamic. I never was able to feel emotionally close to those women I dated, and saw numerous signs over months that I would indeed always be prioritized last, leaving an inequity in the relationship. It was just something I could not reconcile and, since I was looking for a bonded emotional relationship and marriage on terms I felt were healthy for myself, I moved on. Like I said, everyone is different.

 

Since you're in a relationship with the father of your third child, this inquiry seems to be a moot point, or do I misunderstand?

[Lizzie60]

I'm not a man.. but I sincerely hope not..

 

Imagine if you find a wonderful guy who also has 3 kids.. so every week or so.. you'd be making fun stuff with 6 kids.. the best scenario is when the guy has kids about the same age.. so the activities are easier to organize.

 

But, I can see a single guy being turned off since it is a lot of commitment and sacrifice for both... (availability, staying home more, etc..)

 

I know a wonderful, beautiful woman who has 3 great kids.. (yes she's on LS)...

[Woggle]

Could you be any more judgemental if you tried? Urghhh people like you make me sick

 

You judge others but you need to look in the mirror - I would rather date the OP with all her baggage than you with your crappy attitude and thats a fact!

 

Sorry if I am being a tad harsh but seeing as you can hand it out, I am sure you can take it!

 

So past relationship dating patterns should not matter at all? The fact that a woman has tried and failed three times to create a family life is not a red flag at all. A woman with three kids by three different men should stay single becuase commitment is not for her.

[Lizzie60]

So past relationship dating patterns should not matter at all? The fact that a woman has tried and failed three times to create a family life is not a red flag at all. A woman with three kids by three different men should stay single becuase commitment is not for her.

 

Well maybe she honestly tried with 3 morons... maybe the next guy will be the good one.. why do you automatically think it's her fault.. or that there is something wrong with her..

[Woggle]

Well maybe she honestly tried with 3 morons... maybe the next guy will be the good one.. why do you automatically think it's her fault.. or that there is something wrong with her..

 

One time might be his fault but three times shows a pattern of being unable to have a lasting relationship with a man.

[Lizzie60]

Well.. I have to disagree..

 

I have 2 kids.. with 2 different fathers.. The first one was a moron.. the second was my first ex.. but we grew apart.. and I felt completely out of love with him...

 

Sometimes.. it's not that easy.. it could be their faults each time... she could be the most wonderful woman in the world.. what if she was cheated on 3 times...

[Crusoe]

just wondered the opinions of men - would you be put off dating a woman who had three children at 31 by three fathers.

 

No, I would not.

[Woggle]

Well.. I have to disagree..

 

I have 2 kids.. with 2 different fathers.. The first one was a moron.. the second was my first ex.. but we grew apart.. and I felt completely out of love with him...

 

Sometimes.. it's not that easy.. it could be their faults each time... she could be the most wonderful woman in the world.. what if she was cheated on 3 times...

 

With all due respect Lizzie you are not relationship material for a man seeking commitment and you even admit that. I wish the OP could be as honest with herself.

[carhill]

Wog's, I think she's still with the third guy (father of most recent child?). Maybe she can clarify.

[Woggle]

Wog's, I think she's still with the third guy (father of most recent child?). Maybe she can clarify.

 

They are about to breakup and maybe he and the others are jerks which means she will get bored with any decent man that tries to make a relationship work with her. She should just stay single and save herself and any future man a lot of heartbreak.

[Lizzie60]

With all due respect Lizzie you are not relationship material for a man seeking commitment and you even admit that. I wish the OP could be as honest with herself.

 

This is not about me... when I had my kids I was faithful to my partners.. never cheated on anyone.... I was/still am a good mother.. how can you be so hostile towards women...

 

If I ever become committed to a man... I will NOT cheat... that I know.