We know we are right for each other, but...

[iwanttolive]

I can't get along with his family. My fiance has stated right in the beginning of the relationship that he has to live with his mom. His dad has passed away. I never quarrelled with his mom but I simply can't stand having her around. I feel that she is a weak person always getting depressed. And I feel she does not have any reason to feel depressed. She gets lotsa pocket money from her children, buy expensive jewelleries and get to travel to Europe now and then.

 

She occupies the master bedroom, his sister occupies one bedroom and my fiance occupies the smallest bedroom. His mom is not working and his sister is an odd-job worker. I'm being asked to pay rent for sharing the smallest bedroom in the house!

 

I don't mind paying for the utilities but the rent they propose is too much. Sure, I can negotiate with them, but I resent it that they initiate such a high rent at the first place! I'm financially more able than any member of his family and I can afford buying my own place. I feel I already make a sacrifice by agreeing to live with them!

 

I also hate his baby nephew whom his mom helps to take care. So the baby nephew will be at my fiance's home from morning to evening everyday except on weekends. I feel that he's an irritating little imp!

 

I'm not excited at all preparing for wedding

[TaraMaiden]

Then don't.

 

They're family, they watch out for each other, and love one another.

he loves his mother, and made that clear right at the beginning.

She's a widow and has lost her life partner.

 

You need to get out, because your problem is that you're the odd-one out, and not them.

 

You don't fit.

 

You're selfish, greedy, egotistic, nasty, jealous, resentful and frankly, I think it would be disastrous for him to marry someone so materialistic and superficial and bring her into his family.

 

It would probably do everyone a favour if you broke this off and found Someone who can come up to your expectations.

[Simon Attwood]

Why move in with him?

 

Why not wait and postpone the marriage until he's able to cut the apron strings and move out?

 

The mother sounds like a fierce matriarch and she appears to be using emotional blackmail in order to get her own way. The mother sounds very narcissistic and a bit of an emotional and material vampire towards her children in a very destructive, needy, codependent relationship.

 

You're selfish, greedy, egotistic, nasty, jealous, resentful and frankly, I think it would be disastrous for him to marry someone so materialistic and superficial and bring her into his family..

 

Ouch Tara!!! Did you get out of the bed the wrong side this morning?

[RedDevil66]

Then don't.

 

They're family, they watch out for each other, and love one another.

he loves his mother, and made that clear right at the beginning.

She's a widow and has lost her life partner.

 

You need to get out, because your problem is that you're the odd-one out, and not them.

 

You don't fit.

 

You're selfish, greedy, egotistic, nasty, jealous, resentful and frankly, I think it would be disastrous for him to marry someone so materialistic and superficial and bring her into his family.

 

It would probably do everyone a favour if you broke this off and found Someone who can come up to your expectations.

 

 

why, cause she wants to be a grown up and not live with his Mommy and is being asked to pay an unfair price for rent?!

 

to the OP, I say get your own place. This whole neediness of his family is going to drag you down.

I would also not plan on marrying a man who cannot stand up and be an adult!

[TaraMaiden]

Ouch Tara!!! Did you get out of the bed the wrong side this morning?

 

 

No, I'm afraid, having read the post a couple of times, some things leapt up at me:

Go through it with me again....

 

I can't get along with his family.

It's not that they won't get along with her. She doesn't interact successfully with them. So she's on a different plane to them, not the other way round...

 

My fiance has stated right in the beginning of the relationship that he has to live with his mom.

so he explained this, from day one. it's not like this was a huge shock to her.

 

His dad has passed away.

Ok, we don't have a time-line. But bereavement isn't tied to a clock, or calendar. Some peole find it harder to let go of those who have gone, slower than others. Some, never get over it. We know this for sure, just by cruising this forum, and reading the threads....right?

 

I never quarrelled with his mom but I simply can't stand having her around.

His mom has always been there, she hasn't. This is the OP's problem, not the mother's. They've never quarrelled but she can't stand being around her. Does that sound like a logical and rational complaint?

 

I feel that she is a weak person always getting depressed.

Right from the start, this is HER impression. Her perception. "I feel".

The fact that the mother is depressed would lead me to ask why that would be....don't you think?

And I feel she does not have any reason to feel depressed.

This is again, an assumption. She doesn't feel there's a reason, so therefore there isn't one. But we don't know that, for sure, really, do we? This is all based upon her own appraisal of the situation. The fact that she can't stand being around the woman, already tarnishes her own understanding and evaluation of the woman's mental state. She condemns her without investigation or elaboration.

It's grossly unfair.

She gets lotsa pocket money from her children, buy expensive jewelleries and get to travel to Europe now and then.

And that therefore makes it all ok.

Really...?

She occupies the master bedroom, his sister occupies one bedroom and my fiance occupies the smallest bedroom.

If he's living 'with his mom' chances are, this bedroom has always been her room. And if it's the marital bed, it might hold sentimental associations for her. As an older woman (and it sounds as if the family isn't British or American originally) her culture might be one that holds the deceased and elderly in a place of respect.

His sister also probably occupies the room she has always occupied, ergo, so does he....

 

His mom is not working and his sister is an odd-job worker. I'm being asked to pay rent for sharing the smallest bedroom in the house!

No, she's being asked to pay rent for living in the house and using all facilities and amenities.... she's sharing with her BF.

 

I don't mind paying for the utilities but the rent they propose is too much. Sure, I can negotiate with them, but I resent it that they initiate such a high rent at the first place! I'm financially more able than any member of his family

Which is probably, as a future-daughter-in-law, they're relying on her for help... if she's going to join this family, she'd better understand that this is how they operate. All in together, and those most able do the most....

 

and I can afford buying my own place. I feel I already make a sacrifice by agreeing to live with them!

Nobody's holding a gun to her head and forcing her to live there. Maybe she SHOULD get out, but obviously it must be more convenient to stay there - or I feel she'd have gone long ago.... so I would guess there's something in it for her too.... No?

 

I also hate his baby nephew whom his mom helps to take care. So the baby nephew will be at my fiance's home from morning to evening everyday except on weekends. I feel that he's an irritating little imp!

"Hates" a 'baby' nephew.

She 'feels' (again, with this 'feeling' crap) he's an irritating little imp. So naturally, we would have to agree with her, as it's her feeling.

He's a baby for cripes' sake! What about when she wants to have a family? Grandma will be a very welcome babysitter then, because her irritating little imp will also need looking after.....

 

This, and other comments make me thing this family is not from round these parts.... and if she marries into this, it will never change.

it will continue, get worse and she'll 'feel' a whole lot more resentful of them, as time goes on.

 

Everything has been a focus on how she feels, how it affects her, with no thought or consideration into the whys wherefores, possible reasons, or any attempts to rationalise or explain things from a different perspective.

it's all her suffering, and their manipulation.

I don't buy it.

 

I'm not excited at all preparing for wedding

If I were her prospective MiL, neither would I.

Edited January 6, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[rina_r]

Why move in with him?

 

Why not wait and postpone the marriage until he's able to cut the apron strings and move out?

 

The mother sounds like a fierce matriarch and she appears to be using emotional blackmail in order to get her own way. The mother sounds very narcissistic and a bit of an emotional and material vampire towards her children in a very destructive, needy, codependent relationship.

 

Ouch Tara!!! Did you get out of the bed the wrong side this morning?

 

Agree with every word.

[Flavour]

Then don't.

 

They're family, they watch out for each other, and love one another.

he loves his mother, and made that clear right at the beginning.

She's a widow and has lost her life partner.

 

You need to get out, because your problem is that you're the odd-one out, and not them.

 

You don't fit.

 

You're selfish, greedy, egotistic, nasty, jealous, resentful and frankly, I think it would be disastrous for him to marry someone so materialistic and superficial and bring her into his family.

 

It would probably do everyone a favour if you broke this off and found Someone who can come up to your expectations.

 

 

Tara, you're great!

[Simon Attwood]

I think this thread has become polarised

[whichwayisup]

And I feel she does not have any reason to feel depressed.

How do you know? She lost her husband of many years, the life she had with him is GONE, and now she's living with her son. Sure, she may be a pain in the ass to you, but she's your future husband's MOM, soon to be MIL.

 

Is she mean to you? Treat you like crap? Have you ever tried to get to know her, help her? Take her to the Dr, help out your fiance by doing him favours by being nice and giving to her?

 

I can understand your frustration, but right now this is how things are. Honestly, if you can't handle it, then as others have said, postpone the wedding and move out. Tell your fiance the truth, that you can't handle being second fiddle to his mom.

[Angel1111]

I think this situation is ridiculous and no mother in her right mind would expect newlyweds to live with her. It doesn't matter what her issues are - unless she's critically ill, the issues are hers and she's leaning on her children way too much. It's possible for her to live alone and for the children to visit her often. But there's no need to live there. If she can't live alone, then one of the children can buy a house that has an attached guest house or something. This whole situation spells trouble and if I were you, I'd back out of the marriage. Aside from that, your fiance shouldn't even be asking you to pay rent. That's totally ridiculous and inconsiderate if you ask me. The two of you may be great together but all it takes is one huge dealbreaker like this to ruin a relationship. If you continue with it, you're going to regret it.

[Simon Attwood]

You make some good points there, Angel

 

There's a problem with these kind of threads where we have a natural tendency to fill in all the blanks, and this often involves applying a hell of a lot of assumptions, something I do too. I've applied assumptions based upon my own experiences and the prejudices that arise out of those experiences.

 

I temporarily moved in to my parental home while engaged in order prepare for buying a home before my marriage. My wife also moved in for 2 months and my mother tried to extract rent from her too and I was infuriated at my mother's insensitivity to the situation. My mother didn't need the money and I had already paid a fair whack towards living there, it was just greed, she thought she could get more money, it had nothing to do with paying bills.

[TaraMaiden]

I think this situation is ridiculous and no mother in her right mind would expect newlyweds to live with her. It doesn't matter what her issues are - unless she's critically ill, the issues are hers and she's leaning on her children way too much. It's possible for her to live alone and for the children to visit her often. But there's no need to live there.

I still think it possible there is a cultural side to this. In many parts of Europe (particularly in countries like Spain, Italy and Greece) such an attachment to a parent is not only normal, it's also even expected.

I'd be interested, notwithstanding where this is actually taking place, to know the cultural origin of the family....

 

If she can't live alone, then one of the children can buy a house that has an attached guest house or something.

You're assuming this is a financially viable option....

 

This whole situation spells trouble and if I were you, I'd back out of the marriage. Aside from that, your fiance shouldn't even be asking you to pay rent. That's totally ridiculous and inconsiderate if you ask me.

Maybe it's not her Fiancé... maybe the house is rented, they all pay, and thery're asking her to contribute, if she lives there. I don't see the problem in that, myself....By her own admission, she could afford a place of her own...if she wanted to....

The two of you may be great together but all it takes is one huge dealbreaker like this to ruin a relationship. If you continue with it, you're going to regret it.

I don't think she'll be the only one.

[TaraMaiden]

I've just had a glim through the OP's history....

It's chequered to say the least... she's 30 this year...

I think she needs to exercise some independence and branch out on her own, become more self-sufficient, and be on her own for a while.

 

Really, I do.

[Angel1111]

I still think it possible there is a cultural side to this. In many parts of Europe (particularly in countries like Spain, Italy and Greece) such an attachment to a parent is not only normal, it's also even expected.

I'd be interested, notwithstanding where this is actually taking place, to know the cultural origin of the family....

 

You're assuming this is a financially viable option....

 

Maybe it's not her Fiancé... maybe the house is rented, they all pay, and thery're asking her to contribute, if she lives there. I don't see the problem in that, myself....By her own admission, she could afford a place of her own...if she wanted to....

 

First of all, the OP didn't use any European slang or phrases so I'm guessing she's American. That's just a guess, though. Secondly, if she were in a culture where this were common, this situation wouldn't seem out of the ordinary to her.

 

As far as whether buying a house with an attached guest house is financially viable or not, it would seem to me that if mom has a house and can't live in it like a grown-up, then it needs to be sold and other arrangements need to be made - like the kids buying a house that would accomodate her - with mom helping out with her money. Even this wouldn't work for me because it still puts her too close in proximity of the kid's home. With all this rent she's charging (and over-charging according to the OP), then I'm guessing money wouldn't be an issue. If the house is rented, then mom needs to be in a place that she can afford on her own.

 

As long as she's capable of living on her own, her kids are NOT responsible for babying her. It puts too much undue pressure on them and their personal lives. I have a son, I'm single, blah, blah, blah. I raised my son to be independent, not still hanging on my skirts when he's 30. I'd spank him if he tried. It would never occur to me to expect him and his wife to live with me. It would never occur to me to invade his life in any way whatsoever. This woman is acting like a child and she's using her children. Plain and simple. And charging the OP rent is just one more huge offense in this whole thing. Asking her to contribute? If they're all about the family as you say, then traditionally the man would take care of his wife and not ask her to 'contribute'. What's that about? Like she needs to prove her value? That's complete nonsense.

 

As I said, this whole thing reeks. The guy sounds like a mama's baby and the mom sounds like an overbearing matriarch. Unless the OP is into this kind of thing, she needs to get out because the mom issue will never go away, and she will always be invasive in their lives.

[iwanttolive]

Dear all, thank you so much for your comments. Tara, I did ask myself whether I was being selfish or materialistic to want a place on my own. I think to a certain extent I am. And yes, I am also being unreasonable and presumptive that she should be ok by now after her husband's demise 10 years ago.

 

You are also right to say that I am nearly 30 this year and I finally have a chance and finances to fulfil my long time dream of getting a beautiful home - an urban loft with a sleek kitchen and a stunning bedroom.

 

I would compromise to live together with my fiance and his mom in such a house. But the situation made it impossible and i'm frustrated. His mom has to take care of her grandson (my fiance's nephew). That means the house is messy with all his toys.

 

It also means that they cannot move to a location that I like because they have to live close to the toddler's house. Which made me resent, why is my fiance's brother can have a place on his own and we can't?

 

So now I have no choice but to cramp in the smallest bedroom of the house if I want to live with him.

 

I guess now I'm presented with only 2 choices: 1) Stay with him and grit my teeth or turn a blind eye to my dream 2) Get a place of my own and live independently until I'm ready to move to his place (which I'm not sure I could)

[Angel1111]

There's nothing selfish about wanting your own place with your husband. It's a basic expectation. And nobody wants a kid around messing up the house and making noise when it's not your own. My son's grandmother (on his father's side) lost her husband a few years ago and she lives on her own. She's very connected to her children but she doesn't expect them to be there all the time. Most people know this is not a good situation for their children and wouldn't ask this of them. I could understand if she were ill or something like that, but that's not the situation here. I personally would not put myself into such a ridiculous situation.

[Holding-On]

Look, you are already hating it and you are not even there!

Some people need more space than others. I have children. I do not like all children. I read that you are venting.

Some people need more quiet and order than others. None of those things are present in this situation.

Going in and being unhappy in your own living space when you have other options is unnecessary, and foolish. I cannot see how you will not make yourself and everyone around you miserable eventually. It would be very hard to have a good time in that situation.

 

My advice....

GET your own house. Have your boyfriend visit you there (oodles of overnights ). Financially it will do him a world of good as you will be building equity for both of you later. Then postpone the wedding and get into some pre-marital counseling pronto. You have very different ideas about how to run your life.

 

Tell your fiance that you could not function well in that circumstance and don't want to live unhappy, making everyone around you unhappy too- it's the truth! I wouldn't function well in those circumstances either. Don't worry, we can be greedy bitches together.

 

 

Personally I read your story that you have bit your tongue around your MIL and that is why you don't quarrel. I don't quarrel with my FIL or MIL either. That does not mean that I would live with them easily.

 

Also...

It seems very odd to me that your MIL has the means to travel to Europe and so forth but wants to overcharge you for rent. I don't think she wants you there either!

SAVE your money AND your SANITY!

[TaraMaiden]

Dear all, thank you so much for your comments. Tara, I did ask myself whether I was being selfish or materialistic to want a place on my own. I think to a certain extent I am. And yes, I am also being unreasonable and presumptive that she should be ok by now after her husband's demise 10 years ago.

 

Well kudos to you and good on you for coming back in to reply.

And further credit to you for examining your own emotive input here.

 

You are also right to say that I am nearly 30 this year and I finally have a chance and finances to fulfil my long time dream of getting a beautiful home - an urban loft with a sleek kitchen and a stunning bedroom.

Listen: you posted here to get things off your chest, vent and seek feedback.

We might all have had differing opinions on the situation here, but our replies do have a common theme:

Please - listen to us - Get out of there and find your own place.

Really.

If you have the chance to make your dream a reality, with everything you've been through, don't you think it's about time you grabbed the opportunity while you can?

 

 

I would compromise to live together with my fiance and his mom in such a house. But the situation made it impossible and i'm frustrated. His mom has to take care of her grandson (my fiance's nephew). That means the house is messy with all his toys.

It also means that they cannot move to a location that I like because they have to live close to the toddler's house. Which made me resent, why is my fiance's brother can have a place on his own and we can't?

So they're compromising their situation to accommodate another member of the family?

 

Ok.

It still doesn't mean you have to...

There is nothing obliging you to toe the line, and to compromise with them.

You're not a part of this, and this should not be part of the deal....

 

So now I have no choice but to cramp in the smallest bedroom of the house if I want to live with him.

 

no, no, no! You do have choices! Always! There is always another avenue!

 

I guess now I'm presented with only 2 choices: 1) Stay with him and grit my teeth or turn a blind eye to my dream 2) Get a place of my own and live independently until I'm ready to move to his place (which I'm not sure I could)

Living independently doesn't mean being alone.

Living independently means you are planing for a settled future.

You had some superb advice from Holding on:

Get some pre-marital counselling to establish your needs, boundaries, requirements and hopes wishes and dreams for this marriage.

I used to be involved with an organisation in the UK which ran weekend pre-marriage workshops for couples wishing to get married in Church...

My goodness, you'd be astounded at the difference it made to their lives....

 

This is an excellent foothold upon which to place your first step.

but please understand: You cannot, ever, base the dependence of your whole future happiness and contentment on a relationship with a significant other.

The only way you can ever be truly content within a relationship, is if you are at full peace with yourself, and who you are.

Right now, you're unhappy.

How on earth, therefore, can you think straight and decide what's right for you?

 

(and - satisfy my curiosity...Is there 'foreign blood and custom' here? )

 

Stay with us.... but not with them.....

[WalkInThePark]

You're selfish, greedy, egotistic, nasty, jealous, resentful and frankly, I think it would be disastrous for him to marry someone so materialistic and superficial and bring her into his family.

 

I don't see why. I think that a couple can only succeed if they put each other on top of their priority list and that means above their family and their kids.

I have seen from closeby that considering family more important than your partner, is a recipe for disaster. My mother always told me that my father "was married to his family", as she said it. And she was right. And it resulted in a very unhappy marriage because my father was more loyal to his own parents and brothers and sisters than to his own wife and kids. It is horrible. No, we did not live with my father's parents but we lived in the same street and my grandfather worked in my father's business and my mother hated it. She felt like her family in law were intruding in her life, and they were because my father did not establish proper boundaries. If they would not have been very catholic, my mother would have divorced my father (I wish she would have done it).

 

There are many widows and widowers who face their sadness and changed circumstances and try to make the best of it without using their kids as an emotional band-aid.

 

You have to stand your ground and tell your boyfriend it is you or his mother.

[TaraMaiden]

I unreservedly retract the above statement.

In hindsight it was unwarranted, and to her credit, the OP didn't bite.

 

I apologise.

[Simon Attwood]

a woman that admits her mistakes and apologises? Quick, someone analyse the gene sequence and replicate this creature