SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Tell her, after the divorce is finalized. Yes it would be better for her to know now, but you will have enough on your plate with the divorce and custody battle. Telling her now will just add a pile of drama on to the mix. I'd wait until things are finalized. And it's not your obligation to tell her, ideally, it's her husband's. It might be the "right" thing to do (well, to be honest, I question that) but it might get ugly and turn into a big steamy mess.
2sunny Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 What about this: there are other neighbors I know who moved away but were friends with the OM and his W. I could potentially share the situation with my ex-neighbor and get his opinion, since he knows them and may have some insight into their marriage. Thoughts? no no no... don't go spreading gossip all around. that only makes things worse. if you plan to tell just go directly to the person that needs the information. keep things simple.
Author dmchatster Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Thanks, all, for the posts. At the end of the day, I have to agree: my children have to be, and are, my first priority - and I don't want to regret doing anything that could jeopardize the amount of time I spend with them. Because though I haven't gone into it much, my STBX is a one of a kind barracuda - so the potential for a "big steamy mess" is actually quite high. So...as much as I'd like to tell OMW now, the wise thing seems to wait until things are a bit more settled in my divorce.
Onwards Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Why hurt her? How would you feel.. let's say, you tell her.. she 'flips' and kills herself.. how would you feel??? Ridiculous premise to work from. If society were to adhere to this, bosses would never fire employees, Doctors would never tell patients/relatives life-threatening diagnoses, players would never be cut from sporting teams.... How would the OP feel if the wife were to get HIV from the husband?
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Why hurt her? How would you feel.. let's say, you tell her.. she 'flips' and kills herself.. how would you feel??? Lizzie that is as a extreme as when I said that what if an AP or MP was killed after an affair is found out (even with the Steve McNair thread) I was told that it wasn't likely and an isolated incident. That is a scare tactic. Tell.
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Oh.. and I should add.. I can understand your worries about the welfare of your children.. but what about those children??? There is the other over used shoe(dropping) "what about the cheaters kids" Well if either cheating partner cared about the fallout of the kids, all appendages and openings would have remained off limits to anyone but their spouse. Always trying to force the BS to take the higher ground to clean up the mess of the WS and protect the innocents. Yet they keep on doing it and you keep helping. I understand what you do, but please don't expect all of us to feel the need to cover for the cheaters. It won't happen. That wife deserves to know the truth so that she can make decisions about her own life.
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I agree 110% - stay out of other people's business! It's their marriage. Not yours. If he chooses to tell - it's his business. You have to decide what you're going to do about yours. Not Theirs. And blabbing it to old neighbors. Seriously - a little juvinile don't ya think? It's not their business either. About as juvenile as bonking someone else's spouse. Cheating man sowed, he should reap it...don't ya think?
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 no no no... don't go spreading gossip all around. that only makes things worse. if you plan to tell just go directly to the person that needs the information. keep things simple. Yes, go directly to the spouse.
Author dmchatster Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 "There is the other over used shoe(dropping) "what about the cheaters kids" Well if either cheating partner cared about the fallout of the kids, all appendages and openings would have remained off limits to anyone but their spouse.... " I'd mentioned this originally, but it may have been missed by some: the OM and his W don't have kids - which arguably makes the prospect of telling her a bit easier since I know there won't be any kids affected on her end. Needless to say I have no plans to tell my kids about the affair.
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 "There is the other over used shoe(dropping) "what about the cheaters kids" Well if either cheating partner cared about the fallout of the kids, all appendages and openings would have remained off limits to anyone but their spouse.... " I'd mentioned this originally, but it may have been missed by some: the OM and his W don't have kids - which arguably makes the prospect of telling her a bit easier since I know there won't be any kids affected on her end. Needless to say I have no plans to tell my kids about the affair. I did read your post. It was directed at Lizzie.
2sure Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Not telling someone's spouse about an affair is like not telling someone they have cancer that might be treatable. Or isnt - so they should prepare. Maybe you feel bad for them, but you still tell them. OR you hate them and hope they die. Still, they need to be told. Period.
Author dmchatster Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 "Not telling someone's spouse about an affair is like not telling someone they have cancer that might be treatable. Or isnt - so they should prepare. Maybe you feel bad for them, but you still tell them. OR you hate them and hope they die. Still, they need to be told." I don't disagree with you; at this point it's more a timing thing. I'm curious if the fact that I don't know her factors in at all. Though she'd probably recognize me from seeing me once or twice in the neighborhood (she's a businesswoman and is, amazingly, almost never around/outside), I'm essentially a stranger to her. Hearing such horrible news from an unknown person will seemingly make her less likely to trust what I'm saying. Of course, there's always the video that I have of her husband and my STBX.
2sunny Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Of course, there's always the video that I have of her husband and my STBX. since you don't know her personally - do you know where she works? if so, can you just mail the video to her work? it seems sort of cold - but in reality you are providing the evidence of your STBXW and the OMM to the person who needs it without getting totally involved by having a conversation.
silverplanets Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 currently she seems amenable to joint, 50/50 custody (though admittedly it could be an act.) My concern is that if I tell the wife, once my STBX finds out, she'll dig in her heels and look to turn things nasty - which unfortunately would really be in character for her. I suspect things would likely end up at 50/50 custody anyway, even if she did turn nasty - but I also imagine we'd be tacking on several thousands of dollars on to our legal bills for the custody fight. Which leaves me thinking is telling the wife worth the chance of that happening. NO ... you ABSOLUTELY should not tell her because you need to put YOURSELF first right now. You are a MAN which unfortunately means you start out slighly behind in any D settlement (no matter how nice is starts) .. especially with respect to custody. You mention that turning ugly could be in her character and so you need to PRE-ARM yourself just in case it does .. and shooting yourself in the foot by telling the OW is NOT pre-arming yourself. She has done you a favour doing this as it gives your lawyer amunition should you ever need it. If you need to do anything then get private copies of emails/evidence of the affair .. just in case. Trust me she may be nice now, but waking up in the wrong mood or a session with an aggresive lawyer will lead to a letter to you that says the marriage is over and that her affair was your fault for neglecting her (emotional abuse/cruelty it will be called) and then unless you have something to fight back with you will be shafted. I spend 3 months recording every day I picked up the kids (and she didn't) so that if needed I could prove my heavy involvement with my child. My ex tried to play hard ball and I got the best lawyer in town and gave him this proof (plus a lot more). With this we were able to ensure the most appropriate outcome for my child (which has to be joint custody) .. without this i would have been shafted. If you do this though, don't use it in anger .. just let your lawyer use it if you need to re-inforce why your position is reasonable (and hers isn't) Anyway, food for thought ...
Author dmchatster Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 "since you don't know her personally - do you know where she works? if so, can you just mail the video to her work? it seems sort of cold - but in reality you are providing the evidence of your STBXW and the OMM to the person who needs it without getting totally involved by having a conversation. " Believe me I've considered that scenario and many others. Even some goofy, juvenile ones like creating a new gmail account that's some other person's name and just email the video to her. The problem with that is one I've touched on earlier: the day she receives that email is the day that hell breaks out not only in her house, but quite likely mine. So the wise thing seems to be to wait until some details of the divorce are settled. I know many will disagree with that, but I also know with an absolute certainty that telling the OMW now would introduce a lot of drama in my home that could potentially impact my custody arrangement. Now, if anyone wants to offer some creative ways that I could let the OMW know without it being obvious I was the one to let her know...
Author dmchatster Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 "She has done you a favour doing this as it gives your lawyer amunition should you ever need it. If you need to do anything then get private copies of emails/evidence of the affair .. just in case...." I thought that originally (when I very first learned of the affair), but since I live in California - a no-fault state - my understanding is that the existence of the affair is useless legally. Believe me, that was a big disappointment - because I've felt on occasion that the evidence I have is pretty useless except for the purpose of telling the OMW. The emails, unfortunately, are not something I'm inclined to ever bring out since apparently my use of the keylogger was possibly illegal. And that's another disappointment, because some of those emails are pretty incendiary and salacious, and one or two are even insulting of the OMW - e.g. the OM referring to his wife as "the suit."
New_Life08 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 If I was the OM's wife I would appreciate the heads up on this. It is a catch 22 because it does stir up problems, yet it is hard to know someone is sitting there none-the-wiser while their partner is betraying them. I guess you have to ask yourself....if this didn't involve your feelings at all, would you tell this woman her husband was having the affair? If this is only to spite your ex wife, then you might want to think it over and perhaps go about it differently. The reason being...if it is for spite, this woman could wind up staying with him and somehow you will be the bad guy for stirring up trouble. If you are a person who has a moral issue with the affair, and you tell her, then how she deals with the information, or what others may think of you (spilling the beans) wont matter to you in the least.
Bobby2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Your STBX is going to come at you guns blazing for custody regardless if you expose the affair of not, don't you think? Tell the scumbag's wife. She will appreciate it, and you will most likely be just confirming her suspicions anyway.
Author dmchatster Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Your STBX is going to come at you guns blazing for custody regardless if you expose the affair of not, don't you think? Well, once upon a time I would have *absolutely* thought that, because she used to be very definite - when we discussed divorce in the past - about the fact that she thought I should have substantially less than 50% custody. However, after I told her I knew the OMW's name, position and workplace, and that I suspected/knew she was having an affair, she all of the sudden seemed open (albeit begrudgingly) to 50/50. That could have been a coincidence, but I really don't think so. I think she's willing to entertain the thought of 50/50 if I'll keep quiet about the affair. Mind you, I never made that deal, but that's my guess. Of course, I could be kidding myself, and she could totally surprise me by coming at me "guns blazing." But she has to know that if that happened, I would certainly feel more compelled to expose the affair sooner. And the OM was very definite with her, when they learned I was on to them, about making sure none of this mess spilled down his way, i.e. that his wife didn't find out about this.
2sunny Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 And the OM was very definite with her, when they learned I was on to them, about making sure none of this mess spilled down his way, i.e. that his wife didn't find out about this. and this is why the secrecy becomes so big in an A. they are thriving on the secrecy and want that element to continue. to take it out of the equation brings things back to reality - a swing of the pendulum, let's say. that's why it's unfair to his W to keep the truth from her... she's living in a lie thinking that everything's fine and good and has no idea that everyone involved is just laughing at her... how would you like that looking back - to wonder who all knew and what a fool i was for so long as others just stood watching me become a bigger fool for not knowing.
Author dmchatster Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 "...that's why it's unfair to his W to keep the truth from her... she's living in a lie thinking that everything's fine and good and has no idea that everyone involved is just laughing at her... how would you like that looking back - to wonder who all knew and what a fool i was for so long as others just stood watching me become a bigger fool for not knowing." I know, I do agree with you. But I still have to make custody of my children my number one priority. I realize not everyone will agree with me on that.
2sunny Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 in Cali - most courts will automatically give each parent 50/50 if they so desire. your wife backed down because she knew she couldn't ask or expect to get more as long as you wanted your half. that's just the way they do things these days. if the Dad wants half and there's no evidence to keep him from it - he usually gets at least that. SHE can't keep you from getting what is rightly yours - which is 50% of your time with your kids. check in to it - it's true. the cases when a Dad doesn't get at least 50% is when he just plain doesn't want that much time with them - so he never asks for it. you could potentially ask for 100%, but you should still expect to get only your 50... the only thing asking for 100 would probably do is make your W flip her wig.
lkjh Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 The guy is banging your wife and he probably did it in your home in your bed. Yes you tell her and no matter what you will be able to spend time with your kids. Don't be that guy who is scared of confrontation.
Austen Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I've been cheated on, and I was hurt when my friend told me about it, but I was also MASSIVELY relieved to have all my suspicions confirmed--I wasn't going crazy after all. And it placed a finality on all that had happened--it answered those nagging questions and doubts about my ex. I've also been the other woman, not something I'm proud of. But I'd rather just say that up front rather than be called out on it by others here. And for the person who posted earlier on this thread that they can't comprehend how someone could be cheated on and then become the OW with someone else later...it actually does happen. Relationships, human nature...it's complicated, and we're all human, soapbox or not. Definitely put your kids first. If your gut's telling you that the timing isn't right to tell her yet, then wait. The right time WILL come. And if part of you wants to tell her out of a place of hurt because of what your ex did to you, don't feel guilty about that. I know that won't be a popular statement, but there is something to be said for having a backbone and not being a doormat. There have been many times in my life that I look back on now and wish I'd said something when I had the chance. So ask yourself, what will you regret more? Telling her, or not telling her? And how do you think you might feel in her shoes? Most women would want to know.
Author dmchatster Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 So ask yourself, what will you regret more? Telling her, or not telling her? And how do you think you might feel in her shoes? Most women would want to know. Tough question to answer. Telling her could lead to a bloodbath at home. My STBX is not above lying to authorities just to hurt me and get her way. Just last week she made a thinly veiled threat about a restraining order. When I asked on what possible grounds, she said that "a lot of people" have expressed concern that I might physically hurt her. It was such a ridiculous statement, and so at odds with my character, that I wasted no time contacting her mom and sister - who've spent more time than anyone around me and my STBX. They both expressed shock and surprise at the question, and said they'd never said anything of the sort. I suppose theoretically some of my STBX's friends may have told her they were concerned, but considering how friendly I am to and around her friends, it seems unfathomable. I've rambled on, but you get my point: telling the OMW could lead to much drama which I could later regret. On the other hand, not telling her would also leave me feeling regretful because the humane and considerate thing to do would be to let the OMW know the level of deceit that her husband is perpetrating. Every day I struggle with the desire to tell the OMW immediately, but I do think the timing has to be right, as you pointed out. As for whether I'd want to know: absolutely. Though I think the issue is very different if you don't love your spouse, as was my case. I'd want to know so I could move on with my life. I can't assume what the OMW's feelings are about their relationship, though I would guess (maybe mistakenly) that regardless she'd want to know. In my case, though my own children had noticed a lot of texting/emailing to the OM (one of the things that tipped me off) I don't think anyone else knew of the affair that could have let me know about it. I'm pretty certain that I was the one to discover it first.
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