Author dmchatster Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 "How would you feel.. let's say, you tell her.. she 'flips' and kills herself.. how would you feel??? " Wow, why'd you have to go there? That would be devastating; I'd feel terrible. "She doesn't need your pity...she needs the truth." I agree. I'm just torn whether that should come from me. Ideally, it should come from her husband - but I don't see that happening.
Lizzie60 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 "How would you feel.. let's say, you tell her.. she 'flips' and kills herself.. how would you feel??? " Wow, why'd you have to go there? That would be devastating; I'd feel terrible. "She doesn't need your pity...she needs the truth." I agree. I'm just torn whether that should come from me. Ideally, it should come from her husband - but I don't see that happening. sorry.. but this is a possibility... that the 'news' is so devastating for her that she cannot deal with it..
Author dmchatster Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 "One thing to consider though is the possibility that your stbxw would actually welcome the nuking of her bf's marriage." That's certainly a possibility, but I don't think so since I'm aware that the OM does NOT want to disrupt his marriage. "How long before the D is final?" Well, that's the thing. We've only just started moving toward divorce. Neither one of us (to my knowledge) has even retained an attorney yet. So it'll be a long time before anything's final.
doushenka Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Why hurt her? How would you feel.. let's say, you tell her.. she 'flips' and kills herself.. how would you feel??? Using suicide as the extreme to guilt this man into not telling his wife's AP's wife is disgusting to those of us who've come close to killing ourselves. Suicide is nobody's first option. It takes an underlying instability to provoke a sudden act, especially in a woman; we're the planners, the ones who take poison, the ones who try to starve ourselves off this planet before we'll pick up a gun and eat it. If the AP's wife kills herself, more than an affair was wrong in her mind.
GorillaTheater Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Using suicide as the extreme to guilt this man into not telling his wife's AP's wife is disgusting to those of us who've come close to killing ourselves. Suicide is nobody's first option. It takes an underlying instability to provoke a sudden act, especially in a woman; we're the planners, the ones who take poison, the ones who try to starve ourselves off this planet before we'll pick up a gun and eat it. If the AP's wife kills herself, more than an affair was wrong in her mind. Agreed. Even in the extremely unlikely event that this woman indeed kills herself, the responsiblity would lay far more with her husband and his acts than on the news source.
Lizzie60 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Using suicide as the extreme to guilt this man into not telling his wife's AP's wife is disgusting to those of us who've come close to killing ourselves. Suicide is nobody's first option. It takes an underlying instability to provoke a sudden act, especially in a woman; we're the planners, the ones who take poison, the ones who try to starve ourselves off this planet before we'll pick up a gun and eat it. If the AP's wife kills herself, more than an affair was wrong in her mind. Oh-My... btdt.. I came extremely close 3 times.. It's not farfetched.. how do we know how her psychological condition is.. how do we know this will not trigger an immense melancholy therefore pushing her to kill herself.. I've known a very good friend who thought of suicide when she learned about her H's cheating.. I don't think it's HIS duty to tell her... it's her H's duty to come clean..
doushenka Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I don't think it's HIS duty to tell her... it's her H's duty to come clean.. And on that we agree. I'm sorry we share that horrible history -- not because we share it, you and I, but because nobody should have to deal with it.
Author dmchatster Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 "I don't think it's HIS duty to tell her... it's her H's duty to come clean.. " Yes, that would be my preference as well, but I think there's no chance of that. I don't even know the guy really, even though he lives on my street, so it's not like I could have a conversation with him and compel him to tell his wife. Theoretically, I could tell him, "you tell her, or I will" - but that would probably result in much misery in my house, and who knows what the custody implications (in terms of a fight) would be.
Lizzie60 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 So.. in other words.. you don't really give a 'hoot' about her... it's more about your custody battle.. really...
Author dmchatster Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 I do care more about the custody of my kids, than the OMW, that's true. But that shouldn't be interpreted to mean I don't give a hoot at all.
GorillaTheater Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 So.. in other words.. you don't really give a 'hoot' about her... it's more about your custody battle.. really... A little healthy self-interest is a much more logical reason not to tell than some far-fetched idea that he'll cause her to off herself. I agree, the H has the duty to tell. But how is that any improvement on your alleged concern for her? Isn't she just as likely to kill herself? Sorry, but I find this whole "suicide" argument to be a big red herring.
hopesndreams Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Exposing the A for all involved wouldn't affect your custody. If anything, it would help your case to get sole custody. You want joint 50/50. She'll agree to that. Let's face it, her kids aren't her priority, otherwise she wouldn't have been expending all her energy on cheating her little hiney off. Of course she'll be p*ssed at you for spilling the beans and really p*ssed when her OM throws her under the bus because of it. Why do you think she has such power?
Author dmchatster Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 What about this: there are other neighbors I know who moved away but were friends with the OM and his W. I could potentially share the situation with my ex-neighbor and get his opinion, since he knows them and may have some insight into their marriage. Thoughts?
PhoenixRise Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I have never considered suicide but I think it is wrong to try to guilt someone into not telling by implying that the person who TELLS would be responsible if it happened. Lizzie...would you ever advise a MM to stay with his wife instead of the OW who he loves because the wife might commit suicide? AND If the unthinkable did happen...who would truly be responsible??? The person who committed the self destructive act? (the person who comitts suicide) The people who actually CAUSED the pain?? MM and OW OR the one who tells the truth
Lizzie60 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Oh.. and I should add.. I can understand your worries about the welfare of your children.. but what about those children???
hopesndreams Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Do the deed yourself. You are the one with the facts and the M ending because of it. Muster the courage and know, it is the right thing to do. You stated that your W goes to OM's house. What would happen if OM's W came home unexpected?
Author dmchatster Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 "I can understand your worries about the welfare of your children.. but what about those children??? " Can you explain what you're asking? Not quite following. I can tell you that my kids know that divorce is coming even though we haven't told them yet. I keep wanting to tell them, but my wife keeps stalling the discussion. "You stated that your W goes to OM's house. What would happen if OM's W came home unexpected?" Well, the OMW is a business woman who travels a lot. So it's been when she's out of town that they've gotten together at night. I also don't think that my STBX and the OM have always gotten together at his house, though I really don't know.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 If the situation were reversed wouldn't you hope that she would share that information with you? Also, if given the chance, the OM will worm his way out and it will be easy because his wife won't want to believe the ugly truth. That's where the emails and the PI come in handy. If someone who had a vested interest came to me with info but asked that I not tell where I got it, I would appreciate them and their position enough to comply. Infact, if anyone were to tell me, it would be easiest coming from the other BS. I can't believe that someone in a BS's position even questions whether to tell. By the way, the majority of the nay sayers are involved in EMA's. This is going on in her own home!!! She could gather her own information if given the heads up by you, and the two of you could share. She needs to know the extent of what's going on and you have that information. Her H is betraying her, telling her what's going on isn't hurtful, the affair is.
Gabriele Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I agree with the crowd.....tell her, and it should come from you not another neighbor. Confiding in another is just one more person that knew about her life before she did. I think that there would be an instant 'bond' between you and OMW both as BS. perhaps she would be sensitive to you not wanting to stir things up for your custody and keep you out of it. Maybe if you make her copy of video or let her have copies of email she could say she hired her own PI? I guess that would be a lot of assuming. I don't think it would be bad for you to wait until your custody is settled, but I do think the right thing to do is tell her. Good-luck to you in your struggles....and your childrens. Gabriele
realworldexplorer Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 The poor woman deserves to know what is happening in her relationship so she can make an informed decision about how to be rid of her creepy, deceitful husband. It is extremely probable that she will see his unworthiness and not even consider "offing herself" for someone so low and pathetic. The real problem may not lie in suicide but possibly (with a little luck), homicide. Tell her what she has a right to know.
confusedinkansas Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 "I don't think it's HIS duty to tell her... it's her H's duty to come clean.. " I agree 110% - stay out of other people's business! It's their marriage. Not yours. If he chooses to tell - it's his business. You have to decide what you're going to do about yours. Not Theirs. And blabbing it to old neighbors. Seriously - a little juvinile don't ya think? It's not their business either.
Author dmchatster Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 I gave the wrong impression, clearly. I wasn't thinking that the old neighbor would tell the OMW. If anyone tells her, I suspect it would be me. "And blabbing it to old neighbors. Seriously - a little juvinile don't ya think? It's not their business either." Yes, perhaps. I was just speculating about the possibility of getting some insight in the relationship of the OM and his wife. E.g. if I heard "oh, she's still deeply in love with him after X years of marriage" that would elicit a very different reaction than if I heard something like, "oh, they can't stand each other; they barely ever speak." Maybe it was a stupid, and juvenile, idea on my part.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Their marriage, husbands duty??? I don't think the H is worried about his duty to his wife, infact he has taken it upon himself to involve himself in someone elses marriage! So MM's wife doesn't deserve this importantpiece of information or the proof that this man has unless her cheating husband decides to tell her??? Its funny to me that the people who condone getting involved in someone elses marriage are the ones who believe thathe should mind his own business and has no right to share the truth of the situation with the BS! So, if you knew who robbed their home, would you tell? If you knew of some impending tragedy would you tell? If their house was on fire would you call 911? If you saw someone peeping in their windows would you let them know? How is this any different? She needs this information, but in THIS case its not considered a good deed?
dazzle22 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 My 2 cents...First of all, have you 100% decided you are DONE with your marriage? If not, then don't inflame things more, if so, maybe a different story... however, if you definitely want a divorce, I think it is in your best interest to make your divorce as civil as possible. Acrimonious divorces are emotionally and monetarily very expensive. When I got a divorce, I told my parents, who tend to be quite hotheaded, to NOT say anything negative to my ex - I wanted to keep things civil. What do they do? Get into a huge altercation over the phone with him, and that call cost me $50k, no kidding, because he dug his heels in and asked for MORE money from me for revenge (he was not working-going thru a mid life crisis- for 11 yrs, but in CA, the working spouse is toast...) Once the divorce is final, if it still has not come out what happened, then you might want to clue in the unfortunate other spouse, although my guess is, if all the neighbors find out about a divorce brewing, someone on the block will find out why, and then the grapevine takes care of it...
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I gave the wrong impression, clearly. I wasn't thinking that the old neighbor would tell the OMW. If anyone tells her, I suspect it would be me. "And blabbing it to old neighbors. Seriously - a little juvinile don't ya think? It's not their business either." Yes, perhaps. I was just speculating about the possibility of getting some insight in the relationship of the OM and his wife. E.g. if I heard "oh, she's still deeply in love with him after X years of marriage" that would elicit a very different reaction than if I heard something like, "oh, they can't stand each other; they barely ever speak." Maybe it was a stupid, and juvenile, idea on my part. Listen.... this is just way too much chatter for a very simple issue. 1. Your priority is your children. Get custody first! 2. Stop letting your wife dick around with this divorce. Go out yourself get a freaking lawyer and get this divorce done now. Your children deserve to live in a stable loving home... and right now you don't have anything of the sort. 3. Once your divorce is set, walk over to this jerkoff who is porking your crappy wife and tell him to his face that if HE doesn't grow a pair and tell his wife... YOU will. Done.
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