Question for the ladies who have dumped and then found the dumpee later improved...

[Martian536]

Hi. I have a question for the ladies.. I just got off a 8.5 year relationship (engaged the last 4 months).. so I was devasted, heartbroken, unemployed.. I was pretty much at the bottom of the barrel... I was partying out of misery for the first 4 months and on the 5th month, I met a girl who was highly attracted to me.. she treated me like a king in bed and made me feel like I was one of the sexiest guys shes ever met.. until my emotional baggage started to show.. she started to realize I just got out of a long term.. she would always worry that I would go back with my ex.. in the beginning I wasn't also sure what she was to me, whether she was a rebound or not and she would also lead me on to think she was also a bitter hopeless romantic.. then towards the 5th month over the holidays, she started to have second doubts about us and thought we were incompatible.. she would say I was an emotional wreck and that my core values didn't match up with hers... and then she says we're better off as friends.. i tried this but its just too hard to be friends after intense sexual chemistry.. its my fault for confusing sex/lust with love/commitment.. but i can say she's probably one of the best ive ever had in terms of intimacy or maybe she's just too experienced of a woman to not attach emotions to sex.. anyways, the moment i realized i was really into this girl and that i saw her as a potential girlfriend to move on with, she started disconnecting from me.. she even says things like "if you catch me accidentally having sex with you, then im sorry..." but i asked her about that and she says that it was a sign of her weakness but she deep down inside feels we're not right for each other because she has so much stresses in her life (she only had 2 2-year relationships in the past and her age gap is alot, she's 23 and im 29 and her last boyfriend cheated on her).. she also has abandonment issues where her dad left her at 16 and is a deadbeat who visits the family on occasion but isn't really supportive.. she also lives alone with her elderly mom who doesn't drive or speak english while her sister and brother live on their own. she's the middle child who seems to have too much stress (she's stressed about finishing school becuase she's already on hte 5-6 year plan and is on the verge of graduating but she seems hopeless and desperate soemtimes and she also doesn't carry a stable job, she just quit her minimal part time job so pretty much doesn't have any income)..

 

other than that, the thing that attracts me to her is her positive outlook on life despite what she's going thur, her very great sense of humor, and she's absolutely stunning and she's very blunt... i gave her a hug goodbye after this "take a break, need space" thing wasn't working because we were still in minimal contact every week..

 

so now im wondering, is there a possibility that we weren't meant for each other because we met each other at the wrong time.. we both needed alot of work and she also felt like i was becoming emotionally dependent on her because we were hanging out alot (almost as if I was replacing my ex with her and i knew that wouldn't be fair if she thought I was using her as an emotional crutch.. but on the other hand, I was really digging her).. im hoping she calls me in the future and im definatley going to work on myself (she noticed me alot when i was working out when i first met her and then i stopped hitting the gym when i got comfortable so I know this phsyical attraction is a big issue with her that she'll notice im spending more time iwth myself)..

 

so ladies, have you ever dumped a guy because you knew he wasn't emotionally stable (she called me an emotional wreck and also would say that since her life wasn't all together, that we were bad for each other) but you knew that if he picked himself back together, there'd be a future chance with him? or is it once you are put into "Friends Zone" (which although I am, i am not contacting her or asking her time at all till I know I'm alot different and more confident to where ill have her chase me instead).. is it absolutely over? are my chances with this girl ruined?? Its not even about this girl either, its about maybe my ex fiance coming back to a new and improved me.. never really worked on myself much once i broke up.. probably made myself worse with all the partying... I just realized if I met this new girl when I was completely healed after my long term breakup, she would've looked at me differently and given me alot more respect.. she noticed that when I was nice over the holidays with my presents to her and her family (NICE GUY syndrome) that she saw that as a sign of my weakness/emotional wreck.. its like I was buying her validation.. but part of it was that I genuinely liked her and thought we were still in our honeymoon phase of trying to sweep a girl off her feet.. and i guess ever since she went on school break, quit her job, and then the holiday scame about, everything changed... another thing I keep telling myself is she doesn't have that many friends.. she only has 1 close girlfriend and her sister.. her close girlfriend recently came off a broken engagement and is partying and meeting different guys like crazy so im thinking that she misses her sidekick.. i met her when her bestfriend was still engaged and she felt like she was missing out on someone to call her man... but now they're both single and partying... i don't understand girls like these and maybe she's really not right for me and im being a doormat...

Edited January 6, 2010 by Martian536

[xerofate]

1st off) the rebound or relationship question. It doesn't matter. A relationship is a relationship. If you go into a relationship thinking "well, this isn't going to work, she's just a rebound" then why put another person through that pain? And if you KNOW they are just a rebound, then you obviously are not ready for a relationshp and you are ignoring yourself.

 

2nd off) Intense sexual chemistry is great. But what is "chemistry"? That instant attraction. That immediate, instant attraction.

 

Now, what is better? Meeting someone, becoming friends, and then starting to date.... or instant attraction that people label as "chemistry".

 

With chemistry, you are thinking with your little head, not your big one.

 

And that's pretty much all I have to say about that.