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Am I being tested? bad karma? getting it all over with early in the year? or what??

curiousnycgirl

By curiousnycgirl
in Coping

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curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

Posted
Posted

So at this point you all know that my 5.5 year relationship ended 5 weeks ago. I've cried every day since. For a little while I was a little better, but now I'm back to sobbing every day.

 

Then I got diagnosed with a chronic condition that causes constant pain. Good news is that while it doesn't get better, it shouldn't get any worse either - ok I'm dealing with that.

 

Work slowed down and I had nothing else to focus on. So I figured I'd get a dog - focus all my love and attention on the dog (I lost my dog in August). Well none of the rescues appear to be able to process my application - a month later, I'm still waiting for someone to do a home visit.

 

Then I find what I believe is confirmation that the ex was cheating on me - I still believe this to be true, an dit cut me further.

 

Then yesterday - the piece de resistance - his son calls me to let me know that the ex's second grandchild was born just a few minutes earlier. I checked that both mother and child were ok, congratulated him and then burst into tears. I've lost this family that I had become such a huge part of - they always called me, not him.

 

I've lost it all. Granted it was all a house of cards - but it's all gone.

 

Intellectually I know there is no benefit in getting in touch but OMG I want to so badly. I miss him so much. Yet I know that if we speak again I will get hurt in one of two ways (or both). Either he will flat our reject me, or he will say ok but refuse to change one iota - and I cannot continue just dating forever.

 

So I know it will never work, yet I miss him so freaking much. I stayed because I love him - that doesn't stop, it doesn't end.

 

It just hurts. And I feel like it just keeps coming - more and more daggers being shot at me. When do I get something good? I'm a good person, I swear I am - that's one thing I know to be true. I must have been one horrible b*tch in a prior life.

teanoranges Established Member

teanoranges

Posted
Posted

It is tough, the rollercoaster of emotions.. the memories of not just him but everyone who you have memories of with him...

 

There's really nothing to say that'll make any of the pain go away.

You just have to keep strong. You already know you are a good person, and I know you must be. Good things will happen, they just take a little longer for good people. Most other people get good things from screwing others over.

 

Be good and be strong.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted (edited)

Oh dear.....

I know it seems like it, really I do.

 

Ok, let me give you several pointers.

You could try feng shui (I'm talking to some other folks on another thread, and apparently, the stuff I've told them, seems to be having a positive effect.....)

 

As Christmas is a very, very busy time for Rescue centres, (people decide against keeping the cute Christmas puppy) and they're inundated with both unwanted pets and offers of re-homing, give them another call, and tell them that you are still as keen as ever to have a dog of your own...I'm sure they'll be apologetic....

 

as for his family contacting you...In a calm moment, you're going to have to sit and decide how you want to tackle this.

Do you want to cut them off completely?

Would that be best for you?

 

Because you see, you clearly haven't 'lost his family'...they're still very much of the opinion that you are part of the scene.

It's him you've lost, but they love you and think of you.

That says a great deal for the kind of person they think you are.

And if they want to share this information with you, then they're right.

 

Try to turn things around in your mind... you haven't lost out on something... you've kept hold of something in spite of everything.

 

I'm glad your condition is under control.

Look after your health, but be aware that a negative state of mind is reflected in the body's condition. The more down you are morally and emotionally, the more it can affect you physically.

The remedy for this is to take yourself out of your environment, and go for a brisk walk, in the fresh air.

I know it sounds simplistic, but walking releases endorphins which in turn, act upon the system to lift your spirits....

 

And Karma....

Let's not go there.

karma is not any kind of retribution or justice...If you want to put it in very simplistic terms, we're bitten on the @$$ BY our 'sins', not FOR them....

but I don't see this as the case with you, at all.

you've had a few hard and steady knocks, but you're still here.

And you're kind, you care, and you're loving.

That's not a bad resume, if you ask me....

Edited by TaraMaiden
teanoranges Established Member

teanoranges

Posted
Posted
.If you want to put it in very simplistic terms, we're bitten on the @$$ BY our 'sins', not FOR them....

 

Unrelated I guess, but that phrase is soo thought-provoking for me. Wow, you have a way of words!!

HeavenOrHell Established Member

HeavenOrHell

Posted
Posted

((((((hugs))))))

I know what you mean, I must have done something really bad in a past life to get dumped after 18 years :rolleyes: Actually I don't believe in all that crap. Life isn't fair. Bad things can happen to anyone, good or bad.

I'm still depressed 5 1/2 months on. I've been looking at dating sites to see who is out there, and feeling crap cos all I'm doing is looking for a carbon copy of him, so what's the point, no-one matches up. I don't feel good enough for anyone either, I just feel I'm not loveable if he stopped loving me when were so good together, I will just be insecure in any other relationship now. I wasn't insecure with my ex. We were perfect for each other for so long, I can't see how any other relationship will work out for me now I've had what I wanted for 18 years. I can't stop loving him just cos he's stopped, I cant switch it off after 18 years, it does NOT work like that.

I really need something good to happen this year, I have forgotten how to be happy. I've been one long nightmare since march. My best mate was due to move here last year but she pulled out the week my ex left me, I was so looking forward to it, she's trying to move here again now, I really need a break, I need some luck.

Sorry I thread jacked there, feeling sorry for myself today.

 

 

So at this point you all know that my 5.5 year relationship ended 5 weeks ago. I've cried every day since. For a little while I was a little better, but now I'm back to sobbing every day.

 

Then I got diagnosed with a chronic condition that causes constant pain. Good news is that while it doesn't get better, it shouldn't get any worse either - ok I'm dealing with that.

 

Work slowed down and I had nothing else to focus on. So I figured I'd get a dog - focus all my love and attention on the dog (I lost my dog in August). Well none of the rescues appear to be able to process my application - a month later, I'm still waiting for someone to do a home visit.

 

Then I find what I believe is confirmation that the ex was cheating on me - I still believe this to be true, an dit cut me further.

 

Then yesterday - the piece de resistance - his son calls me to let me know that the ex's second grandchild was born just a few minutes earlier. I checked that both mother and child were ok, congratulated him and then burst into tears. I've lost this family that I had become such a huge part of - they always called me, not him.

 

I've lost it all. Granted it was all a house of cards - but it's all gone.

 

Intellectually I know there is no benefit in getting in touch but OMG I want to so badly. I miss him so much. Yet I know that if we speak again I will get hurt in one of two ways (or both). Either he will flat our reject me, or he will say ok but refuse to change one iota - and I cannot continue just dating forever.

 

So I know it will never work, yet I miss him so freaking much. I stayed because I love him - that doesn't stop, it doesn't end.

 

It just hurts. And I feel like it just keeps coming - more and more daggers being shot at me. When do I get something good? I'm a good person, I swear I am - that's one thing I know to be true. I must have been one horrible b*tch in a prior life.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

(((Hugs))) Curious

 

I know it feels like it is one thing after another but you will get through this and you will be happy again. I think Tara's post says it all really. His family obviously care about you and want to share their good news with you.

 

Make your health your priority at the moment (and give the rescue centre a call :bunny:)

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curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

Posted
  • Author
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I just want to thank all of you - you guys have been simply great. As usual Tara you are inspiring and I cannot express how much your input means ot me.

 

Yes I was having a really bad day yesterday - and yes I was crying my eyes out, but today was a new day.

 

I had a productive day at work, I emailed the rescue agency (I should complete the approval process by early next week - yippee), I went to physical therapy and here I am. I'll probably do the crying thing later.

 

Yes his absence hangs over me like a stormy could - but I keep reminding myself that the way it was was not enough for me. So even if he goes back to the "nice" guy I fell in love with, I still will be living alone and only a part time significant other, that's all he's ever going to give - and frankly that's not enough for me. So this is how it must be.

 

I've got to tell you - I really love you guys, don't think I could be this rationale without you all.

  • Author
curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Oops in case I didn't say it clearly enough - that was a major, HUGE THANK YOU!!!!

GrayClouds Established Member

GrayClouds

Posted
Posted
I just want to thank all of you - you guys have been simply great. As usual Tara you are inspiring and I cannot express how much your input means ot me.

 

Yes I was having a really bad day yesterday - and yes I was crying my eyes out, but today was a new day.

 

I had a productive day at work, I emailed the rescue agency (I should complete the approval process by early next week - yippee), I went to physical therapy and here I am. I'll probably do the crying thing later.

 

Yes his absence hangs over me like a stormy could - but I keep reminding myself that the way it was was not enough for me. So even if he goes back to the "nice" guy I fell in love with, I still will be living alone and only a part time significant other, that's all he's ever going to give - and frankly that's not enough for me. So this is how it must be.

 

I've got to tell you - I really love you guys, don't think I could be this rationale without you all.

 

CNYG was a fantastic post. This is a major step forward it shows a person accepting loss, honest to their feelings and striving to heal while embracing their won self worth.

 

A significant step in healing is being able top feel bad while knowing it is not going to be forever.

 

You rock.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted
CNYG was a fantastic post.

 

You rock.

 

..More than she will ever realise.

She's a lovely person.

She has a happiness within her that at present is overwhelmed by sadness and loss. But if you, CNYG, can just pin your shoulders back, breathe deep and look the world in the eye, you'll see the sunrise is a wonderful thing to see, and each day brings new wonderment.

 

Ask yourself, at the end of each day - "What happened today that was good and made me smile?"

Keep a log....

 

Gradually, you'll find that focussing on the little things that bring you snippets of joy, will make you realise that the black storm-clouds are moving further and further away....

  • Author
curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted

This made me shed a tear in gratitude that i have found such amazing support from you guys. Thank you words cannot express how much you two have done to help me get through this.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Change your avatar.

Find a wonderful, sunny, 'born-again-springtime' sparkling image.

 

Whatever you put energy into, will grow.

 

make it good, then only good will follow.....

  • Author
curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Ooh good point, I don't think I'm healed yet, but it can be aspirational. I'll have to go searching for one. New project!

GrayClouds Established Member

GrayClouds

Posted
Posted (edited)
Change your avatar.

Find a wonderful, sunny, 'born-again-springtime' sparkling image.

 

Whatever you put energy into, will grow.

 

make it good, then only good will follow.....

 

Great point and fantastic idea for everyone

 

 

(but me, so do not ask! :rolleyes:)

 

 

.

Edited by GrayClouds
TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

(..Or me...can't find any 'new-age' Buddhist monks.... this one was easier....!)

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted
Change your avatar.Find a wonderful, sunny, 'born-again-springtime' sparkling image.

 

Whatever you put energy into, will grow.

make it good, then only good will follow.....

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

The more you tell yourself you're suffering, the worse you will feel. You just have to change your perspective and attitude.

 

Here's a start: You're finally free to find a man who will love you to pieces and treat you the way you deserve to be treated!! :)

  • Author
curiousnycgirl Established Member

curiousnycgirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
IHere's a start: You're finally free to find a man who will love you to pieces and treat you the way you deserve to be treated!! :)

 

Thanks Star but at the moment I am only hoping to be blessed with a four legged furry guy who I can love and play with! I'm officially taking a hiatus from the men!

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted
Thanks Star but at the moment I am only hoping to be blessed with a four legged furry guy who I can love and play with! I'm officially taking a hiatus from the men!

 

Whatever species the male, it's still something positive! ;):love:

HeavenOrHell Established Member

HeavenOrHell

Posted
Posted

Unless I/we put energy into getting our exes back, I doubt it would grow :laugh::(

 

 

[quote=TaraMaiden;2583660

 

Whatever you put energy into, will grow.

 

make it good, then only good will follow.....

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Trying to get your ex- back is Futile Effort, which leads to frustration, heartache and despondency, not to mention feelings of aching despair.

THOSE are the emotions you nourish with energy, through Futile Effort.

 

Frustration, heartache, despondency, and aching despair.

 

It's a choice.

 

I know, I know...

But it is.

And it's all yours....:o

GrayClouds Established Member

GrayClouds

Posted
Posted
(..Or me...can't find any 'new-age' Buddhist monks.... this one was easier....!)

 

and yet quite appropriate!

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