Secret Pain 2

[BostonBound]

I just posted this in the Other Woman/Man section by mistake. Was looking there for a bit of insight. My bad. If anyone could lend a word of advice I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

Also, a few of you told me last time that I should tell my wife, which I'm still considering but I need to do it for everybody's good if that's going to happen. Has anybody else found it hard to get over their affair person?

 

Anyway heres the post:

 

recently posted about an affair I had that went on for some time but I ended because I realised how much I wanted my family and needed to make things right again. I hadn't told my wife about the affair, still haven't and even though its been tough we've been trying to grow closer as a couple. Hard anyway when you have two spritely little ones.

 

I am finding hard to devote myself entirely to my wife, I want to, but I still find my thoughts drifting to my other woman nearly two months after the split. Sometimes I do nothing but think of her and man, its so hard to snap myself back into reality, which is where I need and want to be.

 

Yesterday I saw her, the other woman, and she looked fantastic. We spoke but only briefly and she seemed really well. It tore me up even more, which is really selfish I know.

 

I went for my first counselling session today and I wanted to tell her about the affair, the words were right on my lips but I just couldnt get them out and we ended up talking about a whole mess of other things in my life and my past.

 

It's with me all the time and I wsh I could just get past her. I love my wife and want to reconnect as a couple but its so hard when the OW is in my head so often. I know I sound like a nasty piece of work but I dont want to be like this. How do I forget her?

[Snowflower]

You will likely get some different responses between the OM/OW forum and Infidelity. Hopefully you will get the insight you need from both places.

 

Only you know what is best for your situation and marriage. There are strong arguments on both sides about whether or not to tell your wife about your affair. Try to avoid getting sidetracked by all the arguments back and forth here--Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

I personally believe you should tell you wife, but that is just my opinion, based on my own experience. If you do decide to tell her, leave your feelings about the OW out of it--your wife doesn't need to hear that in her anguish.

 

It's good you're in IC. I'm assuming when you said 'she' you meant your therapist...when you were about to tell her about your affair. My advice is that you should tell your therapist--it's a very good, objective place to start to sort it all out.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

you just need to look at things realisticly. Do you think that if you were married to your OW instead of your wife she would seem that appealing? HELL NO! She seems irresistable because you can't have her and she doesn't have your two kids at her feet. Its a fantasy. if you knew her as a wife and woman (which probably isn't much considering she'll bag someone else's husband) you wouldn't be so in love with her..shes a treat, a getaway. figure yourself out and quit hurting your wife.

[BostonBound]

Thanks Snowflower. I did mean my therapist. I want to tell her, I want to just get it out in a way, but saying the words is hard. I've never told anybody. Hopefully next time Ill be less of a chicken.

 

In a way I think telling my wife right now whilst Im so obviously sad would only make her feel worse. It would be hard to hide my feelings for my Ow.

[freestyle]

read this thread:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t216213/

 

you'll see a good cross-section of opinions...........

[Snowflower]

Thanks Snowflower. I did mean my therapist. I want to tell her, I want to just get it out in a way, but saying the words is hard. I've never told anybody. Hopefully next time Ill be less of a chicken.

 

In a way I think telling my wife right now whilst Im so obviously sad would only make her feel worse. It would be hard to hide my feelings for my Ow.

 

Then maybe you should hold off telling your wife (if you decide to) until you get your emotions and thoughts more under control.

 

I think I understand when you say you haven't told anybody and it is hard. Our MC was the first person my H told about his affair. He went for a private session-we were in a crisis mode at the time and had sought counseling. It ended up being a good place for my H to tell and get the help he needed.

[BostonBound]

read this thread:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t216213/

 

you'll see a good cross-section of opinions...........

 

Thanks. That is interesting to read. I guess its easy to assume whats best for someone when we dont wanna face something tough.

[BostonBound]

Then maybe you should hold off telling your wife (if you decide to) until you get your emotions and thoughts more under control.

 

I think I understand when you say you haven't told anybody and it is hard. Our MC was the first person my H told about his affair. He went for a private session-we were in a crisis mode at the time and had sought counseling. It ended up being a good place for my H to tell and get the help he needed.

 

There is a bit part of me that doesnt want to tell her because Im scared but I also dont want to just rush in with it, once the owrds are out I cant take them back.

[Spark1111]

Your therapist is a wonderful place to start with the confession. Unless you are a threat to yourself or others, she will never reveal the info. Plus, as an objective observer, she is there to listen to you and help you to be in less pain, and help you to figure out why.....and trust me, the WHY of your actions is huge in your recovery. Plus, trust me on this, she has heard this many times over, and has heard many worse, worse things in her practice. She will not judge you for it.

 

Plus, I want you to envision this: Your wife having an affair with another man. She is sneaking around in hotels and motels while you are working. She falls in love with him, divorces you and makes a life with him and your two children.

 

You go on to marry your OW, and have custody of your kids every other weekend. Can you envision you and your OW doing this? Wiping runny noses, going to the doctors, paying bills together, and sceduling getting the car fixed? Because this will be your reality if this is what you choose.

 

If this future scenario causes you the slighest bit of pain or heartache, then I believe you still have feelings in your heart for your wife and starting IC, is exactly the best place to be right now.

 

Whether or not you confess to her is something only you can decide in the future.

[Snowflower]

Your therapist is a wonderful place to start with the confession. Unless you are a threat to yourself or others, she will never reveal the info. Plus, as an objective observer, she is there to listen to you and help you to be in less pain, and help you to figure out why.....and trust me, the WHY of your actions is huge in your recovery. Plus, trust me on this, she has heard this many times over, and has heard many worse, worse things in her practice. She will not judge you for it.

 

Plus, I want you to envision this: Your wife having an affair with another man. She is sneaking around in hotels and motels while you are working. She falls in love with him, divorces you and makes a life with him and your two children.

 

You go on to marry your OW, and have custody of your kids every other weekend. Can you envision you and your OW doing this? Wiping runny noses, going to the doctors, paying bills together, and sceduling getting the car fixed? Because this will be your reality if this is what you choose.

 

If this future scenario causes you the slighest bit of pain or heartache, then I believe you still have feelings in your heart for your wife and starting IC, is exactly the best place to be right now.

 

Whether or not you confess to her is something only you can decide in the future.

 

Great post! I hope BB finds it helpful, too!

[freestyle]

Thanks. That is interesting to read. I guess its easy to assume whats best for someone when we dont wanna face something tough.

 

 

Stop and think, how would you really feel if your W decided for you what's

"best" for you to know, or not know...............

 

(shoe on the other foot)

 

Would you feel patronized upon finding out?

 

Try to imagine yourself in that position.

[Pillow]

1. You're not in love with your wife.

2. You cheated on her in every way possible.

3. You risked everything for this affair.

 

Okay got it. Why do you want to work on your marriage again? I missed that part.

[White Flower]

I just posted this in the Other Woman/Man section by mistake. Was looking there for a bit of insight. My bad. If anyone could lend a word of advice I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

Also, a few of you told me last time that I should tell my wife, which I'm still considering but I need to do it for everybody's good if that's going to happen. Has anybody else found it hard to get over their affair person?

 

Anyway heres the post:

 

recently posted about an affair I had that went on for some time but I ended because I realised how much I wanted my family and needed to make things right again. I hadn't told my wife about the affair, still haven't and even though its been tough we've been trying to grow closer as a couple. Hard anyway when you have two spritely little ones.

 

I am finding hard to devote myself entirely to my wife, I want to, but I still find my thoughts drifting to my other woman nearly two months after the split. Sometimes I do nothing but think of her and man, its so hard to snap myself back into reality, which is where I need and want to be.

 

Yesterday I saw her, the other woman, and she looked fantastic. We spoke but only briefly and she seemed really well. It tore me up even more, which is really selfish I know.

 

I went for my first counselling session today and I wanted to tell her about the affair, the words were right on my lips but I just couldnt get them out and we ended up talking about a whole mess of other things in my life and my past.

 

It's with me all the time and I wsh I could just get past her. I love my wife and want to reconnect as a couple but its so hard when the OW is in my head so often. I know I sound like a nasty piece of work but I dont want to be like this. How do I forget her?

I don't know if I should answer you here in fidelity or over in OM/OW but I'll try here.

 

First off, did you love your OW? If you think about her night and day how is it that you can say you love your W? Are you saying you can love two people at once?

 

Now, I want to BLAST you for not telling your counselor about your OW. ExMM never told his counselor about his past OWs, just one when he was caught last time. He also never discussed other issues so he never really got the help HE needed to figure his own life out. End result: more cheating. And all that time his W thought he'd been cured by counseling.

 

Tell your counselor everything. She is there to help you. If you are not right, you can't be right for anybody else.

[eeyore1981]

I'm not even going to touch telling your wife, as you were told all this in your last thread.

 

You are paying this therapist to help you deal/fix whatever problems you have. She can't help you if you don't tell her the truth. She's not your friend, she's a professional, so man up and deal already.

 

My H lied to our MC. We went and paid for many sessions. You know how much benefit I got out of this MC? Nada, because, again, my H lied in MC. Repeatedly. It was over an hour and a half round trip to therapy, an hour for therapy, and $75 a session. Guess how thrilled I was to have wasted that much time and money for nothing.

Edited January 6, 2010 by eeyore1981

[dazzle22]

Not sure why you are afraid to talk to a therapist. They have heard everything, more than you can imagine and won't be fazed...

 

I am a physician and I have heard patients confess to many things, including murder, so an affair would hardly be a blip on the screen. She is there for you and your benefit and won't judge you.

 

What is your wife like? You have read posters both who would want to know and those who would not. Is she the kind of person who would want to know, or not know, based on what you know of her? Also, do you think she can forgive you? Or do you think she might leave you? All things to consider.

[White Flower]

Not sure why you are afraid to talk to a therapist. They have heard everything, more than you can imagine and won't be fazed...

 

I am a physician and I have heard patients confess to many things, including murder, so an affair would hardly be a blip on the screen. She is there for you and your benefit and won't judge you.

 

What is your wife like? You have read posters both who would want to know and those who would not. Is she the kind of person who would want to know, or not know, based on what you know of her? Also, do you think she can forgive you? Or do you think she might leave you? All things to consider.

Dazzle, you brink up a great point. I'm thinking he is such a coward that he cannot even confess to someone who knows the address of where his wife lives. She is bound NOT to tell his W yet he won't tell her everything. Coward all the way.

 

To the OP, JUST TELL YOUR COUNSELOR SO YOU CAN GET THE HELP YOU REALLY NEED. There are at least two women who love you enough who want to see you get this help.

[Trimmer]

It's with me all the time and I wsh I could just get past her. I love my wife and want to reconnect as a couple but its so hard when the OW is in my head so often. I know I sound like a nasty piece of work but I dont want to be like this. How do I forget her?

Part of the continuing allure of the OW is the fact that she's still a secret - still your secret - and all the illicit excitement that goes along with it. By keeping her a secret, she remains a fantasy, and you can idealize her and your relationship all you want without any realistic feedback to bring reality into your scenario.

 

What will make the OW less appealing: your beginning to honestly address the reality of what has happened. There's no reason that you shouldn't be able to talk to your therapist about this, except that the minute you say the words, you begin to fracture the fantasy, and begin to rebuild reality, and I believe you are afraid to do that - understandably.

 

However, if you want to find your way back and live in the "real" world, with your real family and your real children, holding on to the fantasy will continue to be a huge obstacle to that - as you are discovering right now.

[Scrivdog]

Looks like I'm one of the few here who will tell you NOT TO TELL YOUR WIFE!!

 

1) You will in time get over your OW if that's what you want.

2) You decided to get back with the wife - telling her about your affair won't facilitate that in any way. In fact, it's likely set the process back for years if not blow it completely.

3) Your wife has nothing to gain by knowing this now. Nada. All she will get out of your confession is pain, despair, and anger for a couple of years.

4) Follow your instincts. You bit your tongue at the counselor's office because you knew it was a bonehead move. Trust your gut on this one.

 

If on the other hand, every time you feel you need to know what it would be like to confess, go pay someone to kick you in the nuts. It'll be less painful and probably less stupid.

[someotherguy]

Looks like I'm one of the few here who will tell you NOT TO TELL YOUR WIFE!!

 

1) You will in time get over your OW if that's what you want.

2) You decided to get back with the wife - telling her about your affair won't facilitate that in any way. In fact, it's likely set the process back for years if not blow it completely.

3) Your wife has nothing to gain by knowing this now. Nada. All she will get out of your confession is pain, despair, and anger for a couple of years.

4) Follow your instincts. You bit your tongue at the counselor's office because you knew it was a bonehead move. Trust your gut on this one.

 

If on the other hand, every time you feel you need to know what it would be like to confess, go pay someone to kick you in the nuts. It'll be less painful and probably less stupid.

 

In my opinion, this is utter nonsense.

 

A marriage is supposed to be built on honesty, integrity, respect, and trust. Your marriage has none of these.

 

If you want it to work, you need to tell your wife. She knows things are seriously messed up, and she deserves to know the truth.

 

By telling her the truth you establish that you respect her.

 

Yes, there may be serious repercussions, grow up and be a man, you have to take responsibility for your actions.

 

Stop making this all about you, your wife deserves the chance to decide if she wants to stay with a lying adulterer.

 

Your selfishness astounds me.

[White Flower]

Looks like I'm one of the few here who will tell you NOT TO TELL YOUR WIFE!!

 

1) You will in time get over your OW if that's what you want.

2) You decided to get back with the wife - telling her about your affair won't facilitate that in any way. In fact, it's likely set the process back for years if not blow it completely.

3) Your wife has nothing to gain by knowing this now. Nada. All she will get out of your confession is pain, despair, and anger for a couple of years.

4) Follow your instincts. You bit your tongue at the counselor's office because you knew it was a bonehead move. Trust your gut on this one.

 

If on the other hand, every time you feel you need to know what it would be like to confess, go pay someone to kick you in the nuts. It'll be less painful and probably less stupid.

I agree with someotherguy ESPECIALLY with regard to telling the counselor. If he really wants help, tell the truth. Otherwise he is wasting everybody's time and his own money on therapy sessions.