Golfilla Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I'm of the view that you should never push the 'rewind' button. If someone dumps me, I have no interest in having them back because I would only be the 'second choice', the guy they went to because the guy they really wanted didn't work out. I can't see that ever working out. Either my partner would eventually leave again and try to find "Mr Right", or she would get frustrated at not meeting "Mr Right" and take it out on me. On the other hand, if I dump someone, there is usually a very good reason for it. I don't see how dealing with that particular issue the second time around is going to be any better. This is not about holding a grudge against an ex, it's about simply moving on and living my life while they live theirs separately. Maybe we had some good times together, but obviously there was some other issue that meant it wasn't going to last, so be it. I'm fairly certain there are people here who will disagree, so for those who do give second chances, I'd like to know why. What would it take for you to take back an ex? Would it depend on how far you went in the original relationship and how much you invested? Or maybe you think I'm right and you should never go back. Let's hear some opinions.
Oh Moe Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 (edited) I don't think I totally disagree with the second chance thing but some do make mistakes, misunderstand something or just didn't realize what they had. I have only had about a half dozen series relationships, I not a gamer and I don't do many one nighters. But I have had two come back wanting to get back (second chance) after they dumped me and I refused both times. The ones I broke it off with never got that far, not being a game player when I seen things not going well we sat like adults and discussed issues both ways, if one or the other didn't want to work it out or couldn't over time it was over. If you were dating in a relationship wouldn't you want to work things out or save something that was good at one tome instead of just throwing it away no questions asked ? All the girls I broke it off with are still friends the ones who dumbed me just ran, maybe I've got to pick better women I don't know ? I never understood the concept of one day good the next their gone, what a waste of time and energy put into a wasteful relationship. I'm of the view that you should never push the 'rewind' button. If someone dumps me, I have no interest in having them back because I would only be the 'second choice', the guy they went to because the guy they really wanted didn't work out. I can't see that ever working out. Either my partner would eventually leave again and try to find "Mr Right", or she would get frustrated at not meeting "Mr Right" and take it out on me. On the other hand, if I dump someone, there is usually a very good reason for it. I don't see how dealing with that particular issue the second time around is going to be any better. This is not about holding a grudge against an ex, it's about simply moving on and living my life while they live theirs separately. Maybe we had some good times together, but obviously there was some other issue that meant it wasn't going to last, so be it. I'm fairly certain there are people here who will disagree, so for those who do give second chances, I'd like to know why. What would it take for you to take back an ex? Would it depend on how far you went in the original relationship and how much you invested? Or maybe you think I'm right and you should never go back. Let's hear some opinions. Edited January 5, 2010 by Oh Moe
Author Golfilla Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 The ones I broke it off with never got that far, not being a game player when I seen things not going well we sat like adults and discussed issues both ways, if one or the other didn't want to work it out or couldn't over time it was over. If you were dating in a relationship wouldn't you want to work things out or save something that was good at one tome instead of just throwing it away no questions asked ? The thing is, you can't change another person. For example, I have a particular problem with smoking. I just plain dislike it. However, I'm not going to sit someone down and tell they they have to give up smoking if they want to be with me, I'm just going to date someone who doesn't smoke. Otherwise, it's like buying a lemon at the supermarket, and trying to turn it into an orange when you get home. I suppose if the woman in question made the decision to quit smoking on her own, there might be a possibility, but in all likelihood, I'm better off just buying an orange rather than a lemon to start with.
Oh Moe Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Well I would imagine if you didn't like to smoke you wouldn't get serious with a smoker anyway. I'm talking about relationships that last 2-3 years, one just getting up and leaving, things couldn't have been that bad if you've been in a long term relationship. I read so many stories on here about the break-up for no apparent reason and where the two people still love each other. Yet if you don't try you'll never know will you. After all I'm not one for changing but I will tweak myself, I'm me and that's what you get.
coast_to_coast Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Golfilla, I am on the other end of your hypothetical situation...I am planning on breaking things off with someone I love with the hope that he will give me a second chance when I come around again. I am making a lot of assumptions, but I guess I am hoping that the reason he would give me a second change is exactly because he WOULDN'T be pressing the rewind button, and it would be more about moving forward. My reasons behind the break-up are circumstantial: we are going to be long distance for the next 5 years after three years together. I have not come to terms with this yet, but I think I can eventually. I am very lonely where I am, seeing a professional about what I fear might be depression, and I can't help but seek refuge in the presence of other men that make me feel alive again. Yes, that is selfish, because I don't want to cheat on him so people could point a finger at that being the reason for me breaking things off, but couldn't it just be, in some cases (not most, but some) that the "dumper" wants to take care of themselves and deal with their own issues without dragging someone else into it? Sorry, I'm clearly venting a little, and at the end of the day, everyone has a different view on rekindling old flames. But what if the flame is never fully extinguished?
Author Golfilla Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 I am on the other end of your hypothetical situation...I am planning on breaking things off with someone I love with the hope that he will give me a second chance when I come around again. I am making a lot of assumptions, but I guess I am hoping that the reason he would give me a second change is exactly because he WOULDN'T be pressing the rewind button, and it would be more about moving forward. My reasons behind the break-up are circumstantial: we are going to be long distance for the next 5 years after three years together. I have not come to terms with this yet, but I think I can eventually. I am very lonely where I am, seeing a professional about what I fear might be depression, and I can't help but seek refuge in the presence of other men that make me feel alive again. Yes, that is selfish, because I don't want to cheat on him so people could point a finger at that being the reason for me breaking things off, but couldn't it just be, in some cases (not most, but some) that the "dumper" wants to take care of themselves and deal with their own issues without dragging someone else into it? I don't mean to offend with this comment, and I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I'll be totally honest and say that if I was on the other end of a break-up like that, I'd just let it go and move on. After all, if you're seeing other people, there's a good chance you'll develop something more permanent with one of them. I realise that may not be your intention right now, but it's certainly a possibility, and I wouldn't want to wait around for five years just to discover that you aren't coming back after all. And what if he finds someone else in the meantime? Is he expected to just break it off with her when you come back? I'd also be wondering why you couldn't or wouldn't come with me (again, I don't know the circumstances, so there may well be a perfectly legitimate reason here) I realise you have some issues you need to deal with, but I tend to believe that a person who can't be content on their own probably won't ultimately be content in a relationship either, at least not after the initial "wow" factor wears off. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not criticising you as a person and I wouldn't hold a grudge in such a situation, but if it were me I'd be inclined to believe that perhaps you'd be better off with another man who wouldn't be away for five years, and I'd be better off with a woman who could either cope with my absence or come with me.
Author Golfilla Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 I'm talking about relationships that last 2-3 years, one just getting up and leaving, things couldn't have been that bad if you've been in a long term relationship. I read so many stories on here about the break-up for no apparent reason and where the two people still love each other. Yet if you don't try you'll never know will you. After all I'm not one for changing but I will tweak myself, I'm me and that's what you get. I think most of those break ups arise because people just weren't honest with themselves or each other in the beginning. A lot of men will shack up with the first woman to sleep with them without looking at the bigger picture, and a lot of women will to the same with the first man who says "I love you". Then after the initial euphoria wears off, and they see what they've got themselves in for, they probably stick it out for a while to try to "make it work", while hoping the initial euphoria will come back. The reality is, it won't. Sure, you might reconcile after a year apart and there might be some temporary euphoria there, but temporary is all it will be. Usually, if someone walks out of a relationship, they had a very good reason at the time. It's worth remembering that, even though most people would prefer to just remember the good things after it's done and dusted.
coast_to_coast Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I realise you have some issues you need to deal with, but I tend to believe that a person who can't be content on their own probably won't ultimately be content in a relationship either, at least not after the initial "wow" factor wears off. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not criticising you as a person and I wouldn't hold a grudge in such a situation, but if it were me I'd be inclined to believe that perhaps you'd be better off with another man who wouldn't be away for five years, and I'd be better off with a woman who could either cope with my absence or come with me. No offense taken! Just healthy conversation. I have said before in different thread that I am fully aware of the fact that nobody can secure a future with someone the break-up with, even if they would like to. I guess what I'm talking about is a form of compromise. I never, not once asked this person to reconsider the decision to move 2000 miles away from me because I knew it was the best decision for HIM (not us, but him) at the time. I cannot drop everything and move to him. Not an option. I guess now I'm asking him to do something for me, let me make the best decision for ME right now. I agree with a lot of what you're saying...but in a way people give second chances a go because the thought of passing something by that you have already invested everything in is a risk not worth taking. HOWEVER, I believe it is possible for people to let go of old baggage, to engage in diplomatic conversations about what worked and what didn't, and I believe in growing up. I am young, and a lot of people doubting relationships are similarly inexperienced and not sure of what they want "until it's gone." An old adage, but a painfully honest one. Both parties realizes they didn't know what they had until it was compromised, so they try to get it back again.
Oh Moe Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 coast to coast I'm sort of in your area of what I was trying to say anyway. I used myself as an example I've always tried to work thongs out before ending a relationship because I obviously loved them so why not try, my most recent ex just up and ran. More then four months later I'm hearing or was hearing drips and drabs of what happened i was honestly clueless. Not that it matters now she's fallen into a pool of swill with her new friends. One thing was I stole her kids because they loved me to death, well she was a single mom of three boys we did boy things, another was I've gotten a little loud the last few months well I was at an ear Dr. and well I'm going deaf in one ear and the other has a loss. Well don't you think she's foolish now thinking I was getting loud and it was medical condition. My point is a talk would of helped or maybe made her think differently but know she ran.
Author Golfilla Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 I guess what I'm talking about is a form of compromise. I never, not once asked this person to reconsider the decision to move 2000 miles away from me because I knew it was the best decision for HIM (not us, but him) at the time. I cannot drop everything and move to him. Not an option. I guess now I'm asking him to do something for me, let me make the best decision for ME right now. To be honest, situations like yours weren't what I had in mind when I started the thread, but I guess it shows that there are exceptions to every rule. If the two of you were *only* separated by circumstances, and in five years' time if neither of you had met other people that you were serious about, it might be an possibility. However, even then, I'd consider it unlikely because too much can change in that time. For my part, if someone said they wanted to break it off with me rather than continue a long distance relationship, I'd respect her wishes, but if she said we could get back together at some point in the future, I'd take it with a grain of salt. Usually, when someone says they want to start seeing other people, it means it's over. Now I'm sure someone will chime in at some point and say it worked for them or whatever, but in the majority of cases, there won't be any going back. I also agree that people can grow up and mature, and possibly work out old issues, but as I get older I'm discovering more "deal-breakers", not less, and as I've said before, I don't believe you can change another person. If I date or have a relationship with a woman, I have to accept her 100% as she is, with all the good and bad things that entails. If she has some trait that I don't like, the onus is on me to either suck it up without complaint, or go somewhere else.
knime32 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Being someone who has given second chances before I feel like I could insert my opinion or my experiences. I've been in a serious committed relationship with a guy for the last 6 years. We have broken up before and we are currently not together. Before, I felt we were young and naive and immature, we were learning, we were only 19 at the time. Had I not taken him back, I would have never had the wonderful experiences that I had with him for the next 3 years. Our relationship had been really great until the last few months before our breakup back at the beginning of December. Granted we're 22, that's still pretty young, and we're all we've really ever known, we're in a similar situation again where we are thinking of maybe giving it another go. Our relationship fell apart mainly from a simple lack of communication on both of our ends. I graduated from college in May and lost my job because of the economy in July and I fell apart and lost myself and what i felt was my identity and shut the world out instead of talking with my boyfriend and he in turn shut me out. Our feelings are real, we're both confused and perplexed about what to do. I feel like its a problem that is trivial that ended our relationship and will require a lot of work to mend, but is worth a try instead of throwing our relationship away. We both made mistakes and humans by nature are going to make mistakes, somethings are worth a second try, sometimes more than that and sometimes they aren't even worth even looking at again. I guess it depends on the person, how you think, and a lot of other circumstances.
bluestraps Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I think most of those break ups arise because people just weren't honest with themselves or each other in the beginning. A lot of men will shack up with the first woman to sleep with them without looking at the bigger picture, and a lot of women will to the same with the first man who says "I love you". Then after the initial euphoria wears off, and they see what they've got themselves in for, they probably stick it out for a while to try to "make it work", while hoping the initial euphoria will come back. The reality is, it won't. Sure, you might reconcile after a year apart and there might be some temporary euphoria there, but temporary is all it will be. Usually, if someone walks out of a relationship, they had a very good reason at the time. It's worth remembering that, even though most people would prefer to just remember the good things after it's done and dusted. I like this one . Thats what I think happened to my ex girlfriend . The guy just wanted some or she just got caught up in something new. And after a while its gonna be clear that its not going to work.
Simon Attwood Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I gave my girlfriend a second and a third chance, I gave my fiancée a second chance and I have given my wife at least a dozen second chances. It's all down to understanding motives.
Oh Moe Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I gave my girlfriend a second and a third chance, I gave my fiancée a second chance and I have given my wife at least a dozen second chances. It's all down to understanding motives. Were they second chances where you were broken up for a time or did you sit down and work out your differences, big difference. Hope your still together.
Simon Attwood Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Were they second chances where you were broken up for a time or did you sit down and work out your differences, big difference. Hope your still together. Yes we are still together, Moe, thanks for asking And yes they were all the same person, although definition of the same person needs to be clarified. My wife displays BPD traits. These episodes vary from the longest; 3 months, down to a few days. I just know when to give her space and time and when to resume contact and reassure.
thatguy100 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Personally I would give a person a second chance, if you love them, and they love you. If my ex broke off with me or the other way around, and in time I see that they have changed improved them selves, or the same with me and they see that. I would hope for a second chance. Because with life there is no fate, but chances, risk takers and hard workers.
canadaman111 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I think if you have kids with the ex it can make a difference. It might give you more motivation to get back together to put your family back together.
and.then.some Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 (edited) Before they finally married, my mother and stepfather broke up a total of 3 times. He was much older than her, had been married twice before, and was not looking to marry ever again. My mother wanted to get married and my father was so in love with her that she ended the relationship. After two years of dating, my parents married and separated 12 years later. Dear old mom went back to that very same ex. I believe that second chances can work out so long as both parties are willing to make honest compromises. Whether it's a woman eventually saying that she doesn't need a piece of paper to have a good and long lasting relationship, or a man realizing that a piece of paper is worth it if only to make her happy. Or, whatever the particular situation may be. However, I think it only works when there's an honest change of heart and mind. If one or both parties feel pressured to make a change they don't believe in or don't honestly feel in their hearts, I think it's bound to come back up in the relationship eventually as a problem. Agreeing to settle for something you truly hate (or have other strong feelings about) isn't likely to go very well. If a man says that he doesn't want to have children or that he's not sure, but you reeeeally want to have children, I don't think it's wise to go back to the situation hoping *maybe he'll change* if being a mother is important to you. Breaking up because you found someone else is a little different IMO. I believe this does or at least can suggest that the person is a little flaky should he or she come back. That is, of course, assuming that there was no other reason for the break up cited beyond another person in the picture. Edited January 7, 2010 by and.then.some
CaliGuy Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 If someone took you for granted before and dumped you, odds are they will do it again unless there was some major growth/changes that have occured since then. And that takes a LOT of time (think YEARS not months). Most of the time my exes just want to poke around in my life to see how I am doing. I am sure they generally care about me and want to make sure I am ok but I firmly believe that once they leave you, they have given up any right to your personal life/information. That is why I block/delete them.
thatguy100 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 when a girl leaves a guy, its because the grass looks greener on the other side, when a guy leaves a girl, its because they are not getting what they need or not getting enough support.
Oh Moe Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 when a girl leaves a guy, its because the grass looks greener on the other side, when a guy leaves a girl, its because they are not getting what they need or not getting enough support. I so much believe that, my last two have both fell into a life of pure unadulterated swill. I'm loving every minute. One even tried to come back, but she isn't the women I fell in love with or the type I would by far not.
and.then.some Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 when a girl leaves a guy, its because the grass looks greener on the other side, when a guy leaves a girl, its because they are not getting what they need or not getting enough support. Not getting what they need or not getting enough support could also fall under the "grass is greener" scenario. Although I feel that what you've said is kind of silly, it does seem to at least be true that men generally assume this about women. If I leave, it must be for another man. It's was almost never accepted that I walked away because of character flaws. No matter what I've said, the men I've dated were hard pressed to believe that I might possibly have left the relationship because I didn't care much for aspects of their character. If a woman needs more quality time out of a man, that's not the grass being greener... that's a woman not getting what she needs out of the relationship. It's all the same thing, it's just a matter of perspective. Rather... one side not wanting to see the points of the other.
thatguy100 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Not getting what they need or not getting enough support could also fall under the "grass is greener" scenario. Although I feel that what you've said is kind of silly, it does seem to at least be true that men generally assume this about women. If I leave, it must be for another man. It's was almost never accepted that I walked away because of character flaws. No matter what I've said, the men I've dated were hard pressed to believe that I might possibly have left the relationship because I didn't care much for aspects of their character. If a woman needs more quality time out of a man, that's not the grass being greener... that's a woman not getting what she needs out of the relationship. It's all the same thing, it's just a matter of perspective. Rather... one side not wanting to see the points of the other. and.then.some, well its true in some sense that both sexes will leave there current partner because they are not getting what they want. That saying is from a guys prespetive, when a girl they love leaves them for another guy, yes you can say both sexes again will leave one for another just because the grass looks greener on the other side. I personally have saved 3 relationships from a break up because i turned to the person who was tempted to leave and said wait 2 months before you do anything, and in the end the relationships which were saved, they were happy with eachother and are still together, they realized that the person which they wanted to go was not exactly what they thought they were or was manipulating them to try and get them. Please note the only reason why they were tempted was because there relationship was going through a rough patch.
and.then.some Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 and.then.some, well its true in some sense that both sexes will leave there current partner because they are not getting what they want. That saying is from a guys prespetive, when a girl they love leaves them for another guy, yes you can say both sexes again will leave one for another just because the grass looks greener on the other side. I personally have saved 3 relationships from a break up because i turned to the person who was tempted to leave and said wait 2 months before you do anything, and in the end the relationships which were saved, they were happy with eachother and are still together, they realized that the person which they wanted to go was not exactly what they thought they were or was manipulating them to try and get them. Please note the only reason why they were tempted was because there relationship was going through a rough patch. I think it speaks to our fears. Women usually ask "what's wrong with me" and men "who is he". Or, maybe it's because women mull over a man's flaws during the relationship, and assume he left her for one of her own. Men drool over other women and thus assume their woman must be leaving for someone else. lol I don't know. :-) The male ego vs female insecurity maybe? As for the friends you helped, the rough patch probably had more to do with the desire to leave than the greener grass.
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