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Ending things with someone you love? (Nervous first time poster!)

coast_to_coast

By coast_to_coast
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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coast_to_coast Member

coast_to_coast

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi All,

 

I am new to these forums, but after reading everyone's insightful advice and common experiences, I have decided to reach out to this community for a little guidance. I am a very independent decision maker but I CAN'T NAVIGATE THROUGH THIS ALONE ANYMORE!

 

So, have any of you ever felt compelled to break up with someone that you are still in love with, whatever the reason? And I really do love my bf...I'm not kidding myself about that, but I can't deny that I have doubts about this relationship that are consuming me to the point of disfunction. My story goes like this:

 

Been with my bf for over three years, during which we *basically* lived together. Fast forward to us graduating college, he has to go off to a new city for graduate school, I have to go home to live with my parents, 2000 miles away from him. We have been long distance now for 6 months, 3 of which we have been "on a break" initiated by me. He is going to be in school for at least 5 years, and I don't really have any intention or reason to follow him to this city as I have graduate plans of my own at schools that are far from him. Like so many of you suffering through the roller coaster ride of relationships, we have talked about marriage and kids, and that sort of perception of permanence makes my decision to stay or not stay in the relationship even harder.

 

Now that you all have my abridged background, my question is, if you find yourself slightly/really depressed over the distance and lack of physical contact, if the 5 year reunion date seems to be getting farther rather than closer as time progresses, and if you find yourself selfishly flirting with members of the opposite gender who stand before you, in the flesh rather than through a webcam, does it make sense to break up with the person that you love in the naive hope that separation, and ultimately clarity about what you want, can bring you back together?

 

I know I cannot secure a future with him, but the more I think about it (and the more I read about other peoples' experience with break ups and long distance), the more I am convinced that it is not fair for me to drag him through this period of equivocation on my end, and that perhaps if I am given the chance to live my life without him, I will realize that 5 years of distance with him is better than an eternity with someone else who is right here, right now.

 

Sorry for the mini-novel...if anyone has experience with these feelings, or if anyone has been on the other side (with someone who is sort of lonely and confused and can't hold on anymore), I would REALLY appreciate it. You guys are wonderful and I really respect all of the advice and anecdotes shared on these boards.

 

Cheers.

Edited by coast_to_coast
sean1970 Established Member

sean1970

Posted
Posted
I know I cannot secure a future with him...

 

From your first sentence, it sound like you have answered your own question.

 

...but the more I think about it (and the more I read about other peoples' experience with break ups and long distance), the more I am convinced that it is not fair for me to drag him through this period of equivocation on my end, and that perhaps if I am given the chance to live my life without him, I will realize that 5 years of distance with him is better than an eternity with someone else who is right here, right now.

 

I did the LDR thing... for over a year; I did the webcam dates, weekend visits, and holiday shuffle... I know how you feel. Its not the same and the challenges/distractions are formidable.

 

You will read countless posts here how the dumper used the dumped to get over them. You can not walk here without stepping in mountains of breadcrumbs and pools of halfhearted dumper crocodile tears. You are correct, it is not fair and can reach levels of incredible cruelty.

 

Fear from the dumpers perspective, while palpable, should not win out over courage. If you know it is not going to work, cut him loose.

bestplayer Established Member

bestplayer

Posted
Posted
Hi All,

 

I am new to these forums, but after reading everyone's insightful advice and common experiences, I have decided to reach out to this community for a little guidance. I am a very independent decision maker but I CAN'T NAVIGATE THROUGH THIS ALONE ANYMORE!

 

So, have any of you ever felt compelled to break up with someone that you are still in love with, whatever the reason? And I really do love my bf...I'm not kidding myself about that, but I can't deny that I have doubts about this relationship that are consuming me to the point of disfunction. My story goes like this:

 

Been with my bf for over three years, during which we *basically* lived together. Fast forward to us graduating college, he has to go off to a new city for graduate school, I have to go home to live with my parents, 2000 miles away from him. We have been long distance now for 6 months, 3 of which we have been "on a break" initiated by me. He is going to be in school for at least 5 years, and I don't really have any intention or reason to follow him to this city as I have graduate plans of my own at schools that are far from him. Like so many of you suffering through the roller coaster ride of relationships, we have talked about marriage and kids, and that sort of perception of permanence makes my decision to stay or not stay in the relationship even harder.

 

Now that you all have my abridged background, my question is, if you find yourself slightly/really depressed over the distance and lack of physical contact, if the 5 year reunion date seems to be getting farther rather than closer as time progresses, and if you find yourself selfishly flirting with members of the opposite gender who stand before you, in the flesh rather than through a webcam, does it make sense to break up with the person that you love in the naive hope that separation, and ultimately clarity about what you want, can bring you back together?

 

I know I cannot secure a future with him, but the more I think about it (and the more I read about other peoples' experience with break ups and long distance), the more I am convinced that it is not fair for me to drag him through this period of equivocation on my end, and that perhaps if I am given the chance to live my life without him, I will realize that 5 years of distance with him is better than an eternity with someone else who is right here, right now.

 

Sorry for the mini-novel...if anyone has experience with these feelings, or if anyone has been on the other side (with someone who is sort of lonely and confused and can't hold on anymore), I would REALLY appreciate it. You guys are wonderful and I really respect all of the advice and anecdotes shared on these boards.

 

Cheers.

 

I think u both need sometime apart , to find out if u really miss him ? this will really make ur final decison whatever it may , easier.

 

 

 

Best of luck

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coast_to_coast Member

coast_to_coast

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Sean,

 

Thank you for your words. I agree with you about not letting fear trump courage. But I think I am suffering not from a fear of regret, but rather a fear that I am not going to be able to express to my bf what I really mean to say.

 

Is there ANY way to express to someone that the reason for the break up is circumstantial (not due to character or compatibility) and that circumstances change? In other words, that you plan to try to make it work in the (near) future when you have gotten a grip?

LovelyDaze Established Member

LovelyDaze

Posted
Posted
Sean,

 

Thank you for your words. I agree with you about not letting fear trump courage. But I think I am suffering not from a fear of regret, but rather a fear that I am not going to be able to express to my bf what I really mean to say.

 

Is there ANY way to express to someone that the reason for the break up is circumstantial (not due to character or compatibility) and that circumstances change? In other words, that you plan to try to make it work in the (near) future when you have gotten a grip?

 

You can try to discuss with your BF that you still care very deeply but that you need some time to focus on yourself for awhile.

 

Unfortunately, just because the split could be amicable, it doesn't mean that you guys will ensure a better relationship in the future. It is a high possiblity that you both will prefer to STAY split and move on to other ventures(work, school, new love interests).

 

I don't recommend just staying together for fear one or both of you will make a split permanent, but I do highly recommend going into this with the mindset that you will be happier than you are now...whether now or later.

ginyi1111 Established Member

ginyi1111

Posted
Posted

I have been in the dumpee situation myself. My LDR bf broke up with me in November on Skype 2 days after he had gone home to Europe after he came to visit me for 2 weeks on my bday.

 

I know there is no way to make things easy for the dumpee but you have to be honest. You have to tell him the exact reason why you are breaking up with him. If the reason why you are breaking off with him is because you wanna see other people, say so. Don't leave him wondering in the dark.

It is better not to tell him that you love him and no one else because it is pretty pointless since you are breaking up with him.

 

And if you can find a way to do it in person, even better because there is really no other way to break up. Treat him with respect.

 

The conclusion that I reached after this breakup with my ex is that he probably did love me, but did not love me enough to want to want to work it out with me. Did not love me enough to let ME make the sacrifice of moving over to be with him. Maybe it is the same for you. You probably just do not love him enough.

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coast_to_coast Member

coast_to_coast

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

The conclusion that I reached after this breakup with my ex is that he probably did love me, but did not love me enough to want to want to work it out with me. Did not love me enough to let ME make the sacrifice of moving over to be with him. Maybe it is the same for you. You probably just do not love him enough.

 

Ginyi,

 

thank you for your response. I have recently considered the fact that maybe I don't love him enough anymore, but I know (or rather I hope...it's hard to know things for certain) that I do. I am just overly pragmatic, I'm one of those people that navigates through relationships with their head, and not their heart. A lot of people are like that I think...maybe your bf was like me in that way.

 

I am under the impression, and some may call it a false impression, that a break or break-up (it's basically all the same) may save a relationship that is under a strain not related to compatibility. I believe, as bestplayer noted, that sometimes people just need some time apart to make sure that a challenging long distance relationship is indeed what they really want. It's hard to get that sort of perspective when you are deep into the relationship. I have no plans to go on for years without contacting him, leaving him in the dark about where I am. He is the dearest person to me in the world, and I basically just can't stand hearing his voice everyday without his physical presence. His absence is palpable, whereas he seems to get along fine without me. Again, maybe this all stems from my pragmatism...I'm not much of romantic and I think a lot of people like me would rather shut down for a little while and reboot rather than try to deal with the same situation month after month after month with no change in attitude.

 

After a certain amount of time passes, and my bf and I both hypothetically grow to understand the gravity of the commitment we are making to each other, and to be certain about that commitment, then hopefully it will work out. If and when I go back to him in a healthier state, it is his decision whether or not we go forward. That way there is a sort of balance of power I think. I'm sort of rambling at this point. My nervousness is swallowing me whole.

HLP234 Established Member

HLP234

Posted
Posted

If you both decided on the break, its a good thing that you will get back to him about how you feel. You seem have a lot of feelings for him so I don't think there will be miscommunication.

 

Just dont do what my ex did, say she wanted a break for no reason what so ever, i agreed then she never ever said anything later, cut me out completely..left in the dark.

ginyi1111 Established Member

ginyi1111

Posted
Posted

Hi C2C

 

The thing with breakups is that you do not go into it thinking that is time for you to figure out if a LDR is something that you want. I understand that sometimes it is difficult to think clearly when you are deep in the relationship and you have all these emotions involved and they cloud your judgement.

 

It was the same for my ex and I. When he went back to Europe I was the one that wanted to breakup with him because I didnt want a LDR but he cried and begged me to give it a shot because he loved me and knew that it could work. But he didnt think it thoroughly before jumping. I think what is going on with you right now is what happened to him. You loved him at that point but now that he is not there physically with you....it is better to deal with the pain of losing him than to deal with missing him everyday.

 

I guess personally I am not really a pragmatic person and I always go with my heart and not my head. When I fell in love with my ex I knew that I would do what it takes to be together. But a relationship is a two-way road, no matter how much you want it if the other person wants out there is nothing you can do about it.

 

You should be able to justify to him on why not having them there physically is better than not having them in your life at all. Because once you decide to breakup, as you have said before, it is supposed to be permanent. 5 years is a long time to wait and see what will happen. At this point you have to be sure that you want to move on in life without him there for you. And I assume that making a decision for either one of you to relocate is not on the cards.

 

It will be sucky to him no matter how you do it. But I feel that by being honest with how you feel should at least soften the blow for you. Because no one will blame you for the way you feel and hold it against you.

 

I'm not much of romantic and I think a lot of people like me would rather shut down for a little while and reboot rather than try to deal with the same situation month after month after month with no change in attitude.

 

What change in attitude are you looking for?

sean1970 Established Member

sean1970

Posted
Posted (edited)
Is there ANY way to express to someone that the reason for the break up is circumstantial (not due to character or compatibility) and that circumstances change? In other words, that you plan to try to make it work in the (near) future when you have gotten a grip?

 

Two things...

 

Guilt... It's safe to assume this guy does not want to break it off; that he loves you as well and a clean break would hurt him. I'm sure you would like to minimize that... but know it is not avoidable.

 

In addition, it is likely that you are going back and forth about distance and time apart being a legit reason for ending it. Some would argue it's not... I'm not one of them. Five years and 2000 miles are Grand Canyon scale hurdles for any relationship. I was 200 miles away and it caused a litany of problems with my ex. If those are the only reasons, then express them to him as you have here; honest, direct, and resolute.

 

Next, be leery of selfishness... As sincere as I believe you to be, one can not write, "that you plan to try to make it work in the (near) future when you have gotten a grip" and that you are, admittedly, 'flirting' with others and not see it creeping in. 'Get a grip' and 'on a break initiated by me' ring an ensemble of 'its over' bells at LS. Your journey to gain 'ultimately clarity' can not include an expectation that he will/should be there when you do. Don't think that I believe that you have conscious ill intentions; I do not. It is very confusing/intimidating to leave comfort for uncertainty; I get that entirely.

 

I'm also not saying you have it easier than the dumped here. But you do have the position of control and possibly the immediate future happiness of two people in your hands. Again, be honest, direct, and stick to it.

Edited by sean1970
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