Minnie09 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Why do some men feel the need to stay on friendly terms with their exes? Why do they feel the need to still be friends with ex-wives, even if there are no kids involved, all money issues resolved etc.? Is that a particular TYPE of man who needs that? What for? I'm not saying that they have to hate each other after splitting up, but what's the purpose of keeping each other updated on careers, current relationships, former family members and other stuff, if you don't share a life together anymore and if you are married to somebody new??? I don't get it, seriously. My guy has one ex-wife who he still talks to occasionally. There is no sexual interest involved, I am sure. But he seems to be very nice to her, responding to all her e-mails, phone calls etc. She is remarried. So is he. So what's the point? He has several ex-girlfriends who he is still in touch with. He used to help one of themto get back together with her ex husband, after their affair had ended, by buying her a flight ticket so she could see her ex. Is it just me or is that weird? If I did that, he would go fn bananas. What the heck is going on in his mind???
ordinary_girl Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I am very good friends with my ex-husband. I talk to him almost every day. He is in a serious relationship with someone else and there is no sexual attraction between us anymore. I met him just before my 21st birthday and have known him all my adult life, I am now 37 and cannot imagine losing contact with him. He was 26 years old when we met and now that he is in his 40s I am one of his longest serving friends. we went through a lot together and, even though things didn't work out, we like eachother as people a lot. I keep in touch with my exes in general, I usually pick men I would like as friends if there was no sexual attraction. I know this is not that usual but I think it works for us because we left our egos out of it. I tend to encourage my exes to do just that.
sally4sara Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Why do some men feel the need to stay on friendly terms with their exes? Why do they feel the need to still be friends with ex-wives, even if there are no kids involved, all money issues resolved etc.? Is that a particular TYPE of man who needs that? What for? I'm not saying that they have to hate each other after splitting up, but what's the purpose of keeping each other updated on careers, current relationships, former family members and other stuff, if you don't share a life together anymore and if you are married to somebody new??? I don't get it, seriously. My guy has one ex-wife who he still talks to occasionally. There is no sexual interest involved, I am sure. But he seems to be very nice to her, responding to all her e-mails, phone calls etc. She is remarried. So is he. So what's the point? He has several ex-girlfriends who he is still in touch with. He used to help one of themto get back together with her ex husband, after their affair had ended, by buying her a flight ticket so she could see her ex. Is it just me or is that weird? If I did that, he would go fn bananas. What the heck is going on in his mind??? Is he married to you?
Author Minnie09 Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 I want to add that he's not secretive about it, so I don't worry about him lying or conceiling about anything, but the fact that he is rather jealous and I am not allowed to hang out with guy friends or anything makes me think that he might have a self-esteem problem. Collecting old girl-friends to boost his ego, while I am sitting there respecting his feelings and refrain from exactly that? Where's the balance?
sally4sara Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Yes, Sally. To me. Cool, I just couldn't tell in your post and whether or not his actions have integrity would be moot if you were his OW. The part that stands out glaringly is that he can't deal with you doing or behaving the way he does. Whatever he worries will happen if you pal around with your exes or guy friends - is nine times out of ten, exactly what he does with his exes and woman friends. It would be one thing if you had cheated in the past with an ex or a guy friend, but if you haven't, that makes his worries unfounded. Unfounded worries are based on what we would do ourselves. And the best way to come off honest is to con someone right out in the open. Do you get to tag along when he hangs out with these women? Does he ever email or talk to them on the phone in your presence? And after you examine all these questions - does it really bother you that he interacts with them or does it only bother you because he cannot tolerate the same out of you?
bananaboat11 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 The women I've been in relationships with I find, we have a chemical/physical connection and a platonic/emotional connection... so even when something in the relationship recedes / dies... even if it takes up to 1 year of NC... we end up being friends. Honestly... never thought it would. My last 2 exes... not so great breakups... for whatever reason. An ex is an ex. But they both contacted me.. and you know what? I love 'em as people. They're real. They're true. And now we speak frequently. I'm confident in my future relationship/s and myself to keep my exes in my life as JUST friends. I don't see why not? There is a sense of disloyalty and mistrust if a partner cannot be accepting/trusting/loving of who their s/o is friends with. Unless the s/o is CLEARLY being promiscuous and STUPID...
HLP234 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 It really depends on how much they hurt you. But it takes time to get over it and I guess after both people realize something, I still think its up to the person that got hurt the most (i.e if she dumped you, its your choice if you want to be friends or not). No one says you have to be their friend, but during the time you are trying to get over them, friends is not really an option.
adamt Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I honestly dont see the point in being friends with an ex. Only time should be if kids are involved. Why do oyu want to be friends with someone who broke your heart, put you through so much and wa hiding their feelings in the relationship while you were putting everything in. I think a dumper wants to remain friends to either have them as back up or because it makes them feel less guilty. A dumped person just wants to remain friends becuse they think they can win them back over in time
HLP234 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Yeh that is true, being friends with my ex would mean she would never have to tell me the real reason for leaving me and why she put me through so much pain. Also it definitely makes them feel less guilty as it only may hurt you more later.
adamt Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 and why do you want to be friends with a dumper who more than likely was talking to their friends when they were thinking of dumping you. telling their friends the reasons they are going to dump you. and when you split up would have told their friends how you took it hard and tell them how happy they are to be away from you.
Wicker_Parked Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 so you can come under the radar and bang her friends! but seriously we all say we want to be friends, but its true, you really cant be friends with a girl period, if you do its only cos you want to get with her but if you dont its obvoiusly cos you dont find her sexually attractive. For eg who wants to hang out with a girl that you dont want to hit up? the ugly duckling? well would you want to hang out with a girl you used to hit up but now cant? get this! now it would be out of line to c/block a douche that tries to be smooth and pick her up? why cos she is not your property now!
Author Minnie09 Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Thanks for your thoughts. Sally, that is a good point. He doesn't speak to or e-mail to them when I am around. He just tells me after they talked and about what the conversation was about. They sometimes seem to talk about current relationships and stuff, quite intimate, but not bothersome to me anyway... According to what he tells me, it's always about "their" relationship and they want to discuss stuff with him, not the other way around. But as you suggested, I am not present when they do, so what do I know? He could tell me anything. And of course I would have a serious problem if he did discuss our relationship issues with them. So if he did, he wouldn't tell me for sure. He never hangs out with any of them anymore, and if they did, I am sure I would be invited. Transparency is important to me. So is loyalty. I have never cheated, neither with an ex nor with anybody else. I guess what bothers me is the fact that he is doing things that he wouldn't want me to do. I don't feel threatened by any of this, but I have to ask myself why he expects me to put up with things that he himself would be insecure about.
carhill Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I don't get it, seriously. Me neither. If I was married to someone and we were friends, we'd still be married. If there's no basis for friendship, we're not friends. Essentially, it's the same as cutting a business partner out of a business. You're cordial during settlement to effect a positive result for both parties. That's it. Done. Over.
MissJae Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It really depends on how much they hurt you. But it takes time to get over it and I guess after both people realize something, I still think its up to the person that got hurt the most (i.e if she dumped you, its your choice if you want to be friends or not). No one says you have to be their friend, but during the time you are trying to get over them, friends is not really an option. I totally agree with this statement. When we are in the midst of being hurt, and trying to get over it friendship is just not an option. This is where I am, I'd rather not speak, not see my ex. After a long time has gone by and I have come to terms and dealt with the anger and pain maybe. But I always wondered how good of a friend could he possibly be to see me hurt and not care. Jae
bberryguy Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 What about a situation where you were longtime friends before you got together? My current ex and I were friends for about a decade before we got together. We actually progressed in and out of a fwb type situation over the summer and moved into seeing each other and a relationship in the fall/winter. Unfortunately she decided she's not as ready as she thought she was for a relationship - nothing against me or how her and i were together. We both ended LTR this last year back in spring. So in this situation do you go back to friends? Break contact permanantly? Temporarily? I'm actually hoping that she'll just realized she's a little overwhelmed and repair the break - or like the last couple times - go back to friends after NC and then ramp back up again when she's feeling ready. On the flip side, what if she loses interest and starts dating others? That would be terribly difficult to deal with. So I don't know.
HLP234 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I knew my ex and was so close to her, and we were both very open with each other..for 5 years. We started dating and she had some emotional instability because of her last bf who basically ripped her heart out. I was dumb and did everything I could to make her feel comfortable including removing other girls from my phone, pics, and so on. She would feel better when I did this... and I did not realize that she is the one with the problems, I always wanted to work things out but she did not. Like I said before, if you feel hurt by her actions, you really can't be friends anymore. I hope my ex realizes her actions and how she went about just abandoning me will catch up with her, but for the time being while she is with this new guy, she won't. If you have done NC and its been a while, I would just continue like that, that way you are not hoping for anything. See if you can meet someone else to occupy your time..and later when you have completely wiped her off your mind, you should be able to see if you want to be friends or not. Most likely if you move on and she has hurt you or something like that, you will realize you should not want to be with someone that did not want to appreciate you.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I could ask; why NOT be friends with exes, IF you still get on well with them AND neither of you are still in love with each other? I want to stay friends with my ex IF possible (I don't know, I still love him at the moment) because we have such a rapport still, we are still ourselves with each other, know each other inside out and we have a laugh and life would feel very lonely without my best mate. We were together nearly 20 years and ended amicably, I didn't want it to end, but I mean there was no nastiness, it was all done lovingly, respectfully, it would have seemed quite cold and strange to just suddenly stop all contact like he never mattered.
SadKitty78 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Despite being a week post-breakup, I can tell you situations where being friends with the ex is good.. I dated one ex when I was younger and we were together for 3 years. We were both growing and finding ourselves so it did not work out. Took him 6 years to fully heal from it and we are actually good friends right now. The benefit is, and it has to be where you two no longer have current feelings for one another and look back on your times together as having been beneficial and a learning experience and as great memories, is that now you have a friend who understands you like no other! We can go out and grab lunch and he would understand the little nuisances, my quirks, my thought process, and in turn, I would understand his. We offer each other friendly support amidst breakups, career changes, and the ups and downs of life, and we have a great positive time when we hang out. Not once do we contemplate the idea of getting back together, but we are great friends. I don't regret being friends with him, but it has to be at a time where you are both completely over each other, no hard feelings about the breakup and where you can be great friends based on its own merits. Some exes make great friends, and others, when you remove the romantic and/or sexual aspects, there is no friendship there. Every friendship has to be judged on its own merits, but I can honestly say that there are certain benefits to being friends with an ex!
Lizzie60 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I remain on good terms with all my exes... even the short-term 'dating' exes... Why not? We were lovers for years... in one case, I had a child with him... why can't we be friends... I have never slept with my first ex after I left.. but I had sex a few years with my second ex... even after he remarried... I haven't seen him for about 2 years now... We still talk over the phone. We were 'closer' after than before.. we could tell each other everything.. I told him about my numerous affairs.. etc.. he's a pearl..
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