Single mothers and dating

[lucy9216]

What I don't understand is do single mothers really need to settle? being a single mother has really narrowed down my dating pool. Majority of ones that I talk to end up not being right to name a few: 1 was sending nude pics of himself before we met, 2 I met through a mutual friend and found out later he was in jail before for pulling a gun on his ex-wife, 3 was 5 years younger than me and definatley had the mentality of an 18 yo with tons of drama, 4 was a recovering alcoholic that complained about his families drinking habits on our first meet and his teeth were all rotted out, 5 was 6 years younger than me and started calling at 3 am wanting me to make him breakfast, and I also met a very attractive guy on saturday but right away he started talking about how is going through a custody battle with his ex over their 13 month old and that really turned me off from him.

 

Is this really the best I can do just because I have kids? if that's the case I will just get a vibrator and be single for the rest of my days. I don't think I am being too picky but I do have some standards, and I tend to be maybe overly critical but I need to be very cautious on who I may eventually let into my kids life. Or am I just having some bad dating experiences and need to give it more time?

[jerbear]

For me, I will not pursue single mothers because of the situations you've mentioned with your dates, custody battle, having an ex to contend with, stepping in as step-father when biological father is around. It is just really hard. I know it is a packaged deal; all or nothing.

 

Have you considered an FWB arrangement in addition to your vibrator experiences? Even once in awhile, having the human touch is a good thing.

[BentSpine]

I don't think I am being too picky but I do have some standards, and I tend to be maybe overly critical but I need to be very cautious on who I may eventually let into my kids life.

You fear a destructive presence in the future lives of your children, but not really yours judging from history of picking men. With your faulty picker and unclear boundaries you fear a bad situation will creep up unnoticed until it's too late. Your way of dealing with this fear is to be overly critical of men instead of giving them a chance until an unnegotiable line in sand is crossed.

[Buckeye Candy]

I've known some single moms who met and married decent guys who were either childless or single parents too. So, it is possible.

 

Where are you meeting these loser guys? That may unravel the mystery.

[phineas]

I don't think so.

I'm an almost single father with two little ones.

 

If I ran into any women like the men you described i'd have lost their number also. Unless there was sex.

Except the toothless one. I draw the line there.

 

And the 3 am one, if she came over & and had sex with me i'd make her a bowl of cereal or something afterword.

[CaliGuy]

In my experience, dating single mother's is a strech for single men with no kids. The main reason being that the child will always be the mothers #1 priority whereas the man will always make the woman the #1 priority. This leads to a relationship imbalance. I think that it's more ideal for single moms to date single dads where possible because you will have something in common and each will understand when the priorities need to be placed on their kids.

 

When I have dated single moms, it became an issue because of the freedom I have enjoyed (not having kids) whereas my date always had to account for her child in nearly every decision we made (going out to dinner, hanging out, movies, etc).

 

When the statement is made "Do I have to settle for less because I am a single mom" keep in mind, a single man with no kids is asking himself the same question: "Do I have to settle for a single mom with kids?"

 

The answer to that is it CAN and DOES work if both are willing to make compromises. Where there is no compromise (in cases such as this), there can not be a successful relationship.

 

Cheers.

[b52s]

What I don't understand is do single mothers really need to settle? being a single mother has really narrowed down my dating pool. Majority of ones that I talk to end up not being right to name a few: 1 was sending nude pics of himself before we met, 2 I met through a mutual friend and found out later he was in jail before for pulling a gun on his ex-wife, 3 was 5 years younger than me and definatley had the mentality of an 18 yo with tons of drama, 4 was a recovering alcoholic that complained about his families drinking habits on our first meet and his teeth were all rotted out, 5 was 6 years younger than me and started calling at 3 am wanting me to make him breakfast, and I also met a very attractive guy on saturday but right away he started talking about how is going through a custody battle with his ex over their 13 month old and that really turned me off from him.

 

Is this really the best I can do just because I have kids? if that's the case I will just get a vibrator and be single for the rest of my days. I don't think I am being too picky but I do have some standards, and I tend to be maybe overly critical but I need to be very cautious on who I may eventually let into my kids life. Or am I just having some bad dating experiences and need to give it more time?

 

As a man who is single with no kids, I'd probably have a hard time dating a singlem other with rather YOUNG children....if they're grown and off to college I'd be cool with it....and MAYBE if they're teenagers (because they can be left alone and old enough to use a microwave....lol)

 

I knew of some guy who had to end a relationship with his g/f because she was too busy with the kids UMPTEEN after--school activities (ie soccer momn, Weblos....cubscouts)

 

She was even having toferry around her sons friends....it becamea mess for the boyfriend with NO kids, who had more sparet imefor her, than she did for him.

[lucy9216]

I've known some single moms who met and married decent guys who were either childless or single parents too. So, it is possible.

 

Where are you meeting these loser guys? That may unravel the mystery.

 

Unfortunatley my lifestyle does not give me much opportunity to meet people, I attend online college so all of my school work is done at home. I work in a cosmetic studio that our customers are mainly older ladies, and I have my kids sunday through friday.

 

The guys I have met have been through online dating and on saturdays I go to a country night club where a friend of mine does dance lessons there, so I go hang out with here because I really don't feel like being home alone every saturday night. This may account for the type of guys I am meeting but really during the week when I am out with my kids to get coffee or whatever I am really not going to smile at someone I find attractive when I have my kids with me, I just don't think it looks right.

 

I have wanted to date men that have kids because I know they would be more understanding and we would have more in common but single fathers can find dating easier than single mothers because most men do not have full custody of their children and woman are more accepting of a man having kids then men are with single mothers, so this narrows down my selection even more if I stick to only guys who have kids even though this would be ideal.

 

CALIGUY- I do see how it could be frustrating for a man to date a single mother who is himself childless mainly because of priority, but I think when I do find the right one (if I do) it is not necessarily that one comes before the other but making an even balance with giving attention to both ur partner and ur children can be done if the mother wants to pursue a healthy relationship. I am lucky in the sense that the father does see the kids regularly so I do have every weekend free in order to pursue a relationhsip.

[Buckeye Candy]

Oh yeah, if your kids are little it is going to be hard to find a single guy willing to be penciled in around their needs. You may have to wait for a serious relationship until they are older. You could try dating single dads in the meantime. There has to be plenty of those in the sea.

[phineas]

What happened to the single father you were friends with that you posted about a little while back?

[Buckeye Candy]

You could probably find some sort of single parent meet up group if you looked around a bit.

[lucy9216]

What happened to the single father you were friends with that you posted about a little while back?

 

Oh yes that one, I met him on a online dating site and I think he is one that is just into making friends and just likes talking to girls without pursuing much. He is really nice and if he wasn't so flaky I would have definatley liked to date him and see where it went, but we just talk occassionaly as friends. After 6 months of that I don't think anything but friendship is there.

[lucy9216]

You could probably find some sort of single parent meet up group if you looked around a bit.

 

I have looked into that but probably not as much as I could, I found that the men in one group I found were just a lot older for my taste but it wouldn't hurt to give it another shot, thank you:)

[viz]

Problem #1: Almost all guys who are divorced, have their kids on the weekend. I have mine Fri-Mon every week.

Problem #2: Almost all women who are divorced with kids have their weekends free.

 

That pretty much leaves you on Friday or Saturday night with single/divorced guys that either aren't spending time with their kids, were never married (you can read into that whatever you want), or are younger. The dating pool isn't smaller, believe me.

 

I can't tell you what the solution is, but I definitely know what the problem is.

 

You are wrong, it's not easier for divorced fathers. It's just as hard. We either get our weekends free or we see our kids. The good ones choose to see their kids I haven't gone out on a Friday or Saturday night in over a year and the only people out during the week drinking at bars are alcoholics.

 

My personal opinion on single mother/father dating is that we're on opposite time clocks for dating. I suggest you date someone that requires one of you to get a babysitter. If one of you doesn't need a sitter, there's probably something wrong. Unfortunately for me my relationships usually don't work out because I have a hard time finding a sitter I can trust with my kid and most single mothers (or single women without kids) want to do anything but have movie night in a house with a kid on a Saturday night.

 

_none_ will get a sitter and go out during the week because of work, etc.

 

They want to go out and have fun on the weekend and I can't do that yet because I have a 9 year old.

 

I'm not trying to hijack your post, I'm not trying to blame you guys for our dating problems, just giving you some insight into what the other side is like.

 

The dating pool is incompatible due to circumstance. It isn't much smaller and there are good guys out there. >AHEM!<

 

We just love our kids and they come first.

Edited January 5, 2010 by viz

[lucy9216]

Problem #1: Almost all guys who are divorced, have their kids on the weekend. I have mine Fri-Mon every week.

Problem #2: Almost all women who are divorced with kids have their weekends free.

 

That pretty much leaves you on Friday or Saturday night with single/divorced guys that either aren't spending time with their kids, were never married (you can read into that whatever you want), or are younger. The dating pool isn't smaller, believe me.

 

I can't tell you what the solution is, but I definitely know what the problem is.

 

You are wrong, it's not easier for divorced fathers. It's just as hard. We either get our weekends free or we see our kids. The good ones choose to see their kids I haven't gone out on a Friday or Saturday night in over a year and the only people out during the week drinking at bars are alcoholics.

 

My personal opinion on single mother/father dating is that we're on opposite time clocks for dating. I suggest you date someone that requires one of you to get a babysitter. If one of you doesn't need a sitter, there's probably something wrong. Unfortunately for me my relationships usually don't work out because I have a hard time finding a sitter I can trust with my kid and most single mothers want to do anything but have movie night in a house with a kid on a Saturday night.

 

_none_ will get a sitter and go out during the week because of work, etc.

 

They want to go out and have fun on the weekend and I can't do that yet because I have a 9 year old.

 

I'm not trying to hijack your post, I'm not trying to blame you guys for our dating problems, just giving you some insight into what the other side is like.

 

The dating pool is incompatible due to circumstance. It isn't much smaller and there are good guys out there. >AHEM!<

 

We just love our kids and they come first.

 

Yes, I do see your point. 2 single parents dating can become difficult when both parents are involved in their childs life (as it should be of course) personally I would not mind staying in with a single father and his kids but after we get to know eachother so that is the part that would become difficult is getting to know him well enough before having a movie night in with the kids.

 

Thank you for pointing that out cause I guess I am just a little frustrated with the whole situation, I am a good person and a good mother so I feel like I could do a lot better than the ones I have been meeting and I think my observation came from single father's who are not very involved in their kids life because there a lot of those unfortunately.

[polksaladannie]

In my experience, dating single mother's is a strech for single men with no kids. The main reason being that the child will always be the mothers #1 priority whereas the man will always make the woman the #1 priority. This leads to a relationship imbalance. I think that it's more ideal for single moms to date single dads where possible because you will have something in common and each will understand when the priorities need to be placed on their kids.

 

When I have dated single moms, it became an issue because of the freedom I have enjoyed (not having kids) whereas my date always had to account for her child in nearly every decision we made (going out to dinner, hanging out, movies, etc).

 

When the statement is made "Do I have to settle for less because I am a single mom" keep in mind, a single man with no kids is asking himself the same question: "Do I have to settle for a single mom with kids?"

 

The answer to that is it CAN and DOES work if both are willing to make compromises. Where there is no compromise (in cases such as this), there can not be a successful relationship.

 

Cheers.

I have always wanted to ask a single man this (in reference to the kids coming first): What on earth will you do if you marry a childless woman and the two of you have a baby? That baby will always be first. Have any of you ever thought of that??

[greatgirlfriend]

I have always wanted to ask a single man this (in reference to the kids coming first): What on earth will you do if you marry a childless woman and the two of you have a baby? That baby will always be first. Have any of you ever thought of that??

 

But that's different because both people (I'd hope) would put the baby first since it's both of theirs. As a single woman with no kids I'm not crazy about the idea of dating men with kids because of many reasons. First off the whole divorce problem, and those with kids and never married are an even worse issue. Second, assuming there is an exwife she'll always be in the picture. Third, I don't want to play mom to anyone else's kids. Fourth, I have my own money, but indirectly I'd probably get stuck paying for something related to the kids. No thanks. I'm sure many single men feel the same way as me.

[D-Jam]

In my experiences it depends on the woman and the men she meets.

 

Do kids scare off some guys? Yes. All guys? No.

 

Most of the time, what scares men off single moms are:

 

1. The single mom has a drama queen psycho ex.
   
2. The single mom has an uncertain or flimsy financial life. That means she works some low-end job or McJob as an adult and maybe constantly loses her job or can never make enough money to live on.
   
3. The single mom is psychologically messed up from the ex. When she needs a therapist more than a BF.
   
4. The single mom is acting needy/desperate and is seeking a quick marriage, be it for a meal ticket or to avoid looking bad for not having a man.
   
5. The single mom is so on her own and so busy with work and being a mom that she has no time to be someone's GF. So the guy has to accept seeing her once every few weeks or most of the time come over (because she has no access to a sitter) as opposed to going out on normal dates.
   
6. The guy just doesn't like kids and/or isn't ready for children in his life.
   
7. The guy is insecure and can't handle the idea of marrying someone and raising someone else's kid. Like he wants kids, but all his own biological only.
   

 

Are some of these reasons fair in life? No...but that's life.

 

On top of that, the usual laws of attraction are still in play. So if the mom has gained a lot of weight, chopped her hair into a "mom" cut, or looks haggard from stress and such, then it'll also play against her in the attraction game.

 

I wouldn't give up hope though. I seem to notice more attractive single moms eventually finding good men...while the childless attractive women are still chronically single. Most of the time those women believe because they are seen as physically beautiful and they have no kids that they are an "upper echelon" over the single moms, and thus feel entitled to an above average man.

 

The single moms I notice (the ones who aren't desperate for a quick marriage) are just thinking more realistic. Maybe they went though a number of jerks and got knocked up from one, or they married what they thought was a good manly man...but he ended up betraying her. "Realistic" is more the ideas in their minds that they are not out for Brad Pitt, but just a guy who isn't a slob or fat or ugly as sin, and he has a good heart, and likes children.