Im here....not sure where here is

[MJEW]

Hello everyone, I am new posting this, this is a very confusing time for me. I am not sure where I am going in life, nor am I sure who I am at the moment. I guess eveyone starts with a storey, well here's mine..

 

I was married in 2004, to the father of my child, to a wonderful man really, we had everything, a good life, but for some reason I wasn't honest with ,myself, wasn't honest with him, I became unhappy, thought the grass was greener on the other side, I gave up really,I just couldn't hold onto it anymore and I left. I left in March 2006, I convinced myself it was done over and I could be happy without him.

 

I met a guy, good guy, we dated for sometime, then in Oct 2007, I left him and went back to my ex, thought I needed to work on our marriage, thought I was ready to see if I could make it work. Well I screwed that up too, I left my husband, thinking that I wasn't over the OM and I have been with the OM since. I hurt my husband, very much and I didn't event hink about the future, about fighting for my marriage, about fighting for life with him and our kids.

 

In a nutshell, yes I am crazy, at least I feel like my life is spinning out of control, I know since the day I was divorced from my husband that I made a mistake. I chose the wrong man, I made the wrong decision in my life and now I am stuck here, wondering what the ehck I did wrong and how I ended up here.

 

OM has asked me to marry him, I told him no, I couldn't, I can't, I can't call another man my husband because I think truly in heart I will never marry again.

 

I don't know what to do, I am a very lost soul and I feel like I am stuck, I don't know which way to turn.

 

How can I think about my ex husband all the time when I am with someone else, I don't understand it.

[lkjh]

you followed the same trend that every western woman does, he got selfish. Marriage is not about temporary happiness its about a life long commitment to your family. You are still feeling guilty because you should not be with the OM, what you did to your H is horrible and you have a child with him.

 

Dump the OM and work on yourself. Truly apologize to your H and don't blame him for anything. You need to start over from scratch and learn from this. Family is about loving your SO more than anything especially yourself.

 

Call it what it is, you cheated and left your H for that man and its time to grow up a little. The fact that you are still with the OM must destroy your H. Do whats right for your H and child not yourself.

 

It will be hard at first but it needs to be done

[nobmagnet]

you are messing with two blokes heads let alone you child!

 

Every thought of being alone?

 

that would do them all a favour

 

nob

[MetalguitarJames]

Well you guys got married because you thought you found "The One". People tend to second guess their own choices in life sometimes and wonder if the grass is greener. Except some people don't act on those thoughts and you did. I can tell you from the mans point of view that it is extremely painful. My wife of 8 years cheated on me with one of my closest friends and left me for him. She doesn't feel remorse and tossed me aside like I was garbage. Well she doesn't show any remorse towards me and snubs me for some godforsaken reason.....

 

If you truly want to work it out with your husband then you seriously need to contemplate taking Marriage Counseling and stick to it. Don't toy with him any longer. He doesn't deserve that sort of treatment. You are the mother to his children and he will always have that special bond with you. Don't hurt him more than you already have. It's not fair to do what you are currently doing to either men. Your ex husband or the OM. You need to decide which way you want to go and stick to it. Just remember that you will always have contact with your ex husband because of your children. No more games.

 

Please don't take that offensively because it's merely just my opinion. I am still jaded for what my wife did to me a short time ago (Thanksgiving).

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

MJEW, i honestly do not feel sorry for what you are going through. Like one of the poster said above what you did to your husband was extremely horrible. It is painful. Ask any man who has been through such ordeal. It destroys a man, and few men can let go of the hurt.

 

You made your bed, now lie on it. You realised that your husband is a good guy, you went back and dumped him again. Come on, what were you thinking. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I don't agree that you have to return to your husband, because in years to come you would do the same thing again once the dust settles. See it like this, before most women gets married they get 'desperate', wanting to get hooked. Once the honeymoon is over they are no more in love, want to get out because they are not happy. They leave the marriage, realise that the grass is brown on the other side, few throw pride aside and return.

 

There were many women before you that did what you did to your H, and there are many coming behind you. It is a selfish world ... i realised too late. It is funny, looking back, when the priest or wedding facilitator states For better ... for worse, in sickness .. in health; till DEATH DO US PART! All smiles, but as soon as the honeymoon is over those words are distant memories.

 

So, it will only be fair for you to remain single for now and decide what you want for yourself.

 

Peace

[MJEW]

Thank you everyone for your reply, I know what I did was wrong, at the time I knew it was wrong, I had this little nagging feeling in the back of my mind, but I chose to ignore it and put it on the back burner persay.

 

I have been feeling like this since January of 2008, I know it's always been there, I just chose not to deal with it, thinking that this is what I chose, this is my life now, I've made my bed, I now have to lie in it. I know what I did was wrong, i've known all along but I have never chose to do anything about it.

 

But, recently I have woken up, I have realized that I can change this, I can't take back what I did to my ex husband, I hurt him very much and forever that pain and sorrow will be in my heart, but I also can't continue on this road with the OM, I know that now, I just have to find it within myself to start fresh and move on.

 

I have lost myself through out all of this, I don't have anyone I can talk to, I always spoke with my friends and my mom about life and my troubles, but embarassment has stopped me from speaking out the last 2 yrs. I have held this all in and I can't seem to stop crying, I look at the OM sometimes and I feel hurt and pain, and I only realize now that I think I love him, not I love him. I know that there is a difference, I have to get myself straight and fill my cup because it's seriously cracked.

 

I don;t want to tell my ex husband anything, and I won't. I am not thinking about him and I possibly reconciling, he's happy with himself where he is in life, I have screwed up enough people's lives during this, I don't need to do anything that would cause anymore pain to him.

 

I need help though, I am scared, not of being alone without anyone, I know I can do that. I am scared of myself, I don't like myself and I don't know how to fix myself. I did make an appointment for councelling, but what do I say? How do I say it? I am asking for any advice please.

[TaraMaiden]

I need help though, I am scared, not of being alone without anyone, I know I can do that. I am scared of myself, I don't like myself and I don't know how to fix myself. I did make an appointment for councelling, but what do I say? How do I say it? I am asking for any advice please.

 

 

That's what you tell him, and that's how you say it.

It's a great admission, and a wonderful opener.

 

And it's the doorway to the hardest work you will ever know.

 

This is just the beginning.

It could take years, it could take weeks.

In fact, it could take the remainder of your life, but bit by bit, you'll peel away the crap and find the proper you underneath all that garbage.

It will be hard, tough, desperate, difficult, and you'll be faced with a lot of stuff you may not like to bring to the surface.

Once it's done and up though, it's not going to hold you back any more.

 

Unless you let it.

 

Because counselling is about being guided.

They're the map.

you have to do the hard work, and walk it.

 

You up for it?

[BearMox]

I need help though, I am scared, not of being alone without anyone, I know I can do that. I am scared of myself, I don't like myself and I don't know how to fix myself. I did make an appointment for councelling, but what do I say? How do I say it? I am asking for any advice please.

my background: I'm a soon to be ex-husband in the middle of divorce; my wife cheated on me and divorced me right after I exposed the affair.

 

counseling is a good place, but most women that have successful long marriages are great judges of character and at giving advice at what it takes to cultivate character. you need to change your friends and social circle. many go to a church or attend a womens group/club as a starting point.

 

Your actions have defined you. You must start making different choices and actions or else you will go the same path as before.

 

I hope you choose wisely!

[MJEW]

I look back at my life now and I think to myself " what the heck have you done?". I am a smart woman, I know I am a strong woman, I just don't understand right now where I went wrong and why I chose the road I chose. I do know though, honestly 100% in my heart and soul that I can no longer go along this road I am taking.

 

I used to be a really good judge of character, then I met this OM, I have felt this clutch, these claws in my back for 2 years, my intincts tried to jump up and slap me silly but I chose to ignore them, to ignore myself. I let him lead me through these last 2 years, I couldn't do anything right, I couldn't say anything right, I have lost confidence, I have lost myself, and now I look in the mirror, which I haven't done in so long, and I see this broken down woman who has lost so much and who has hurt so many.

 

I have alienated my family, my friends, I tossed aside my ex husband, I have chosen to be this weaker woman who I never was before. I have been acting for too long and I just want to get off this damn stage that I am on.

 

I told the OM last night how I feel, and that I want out of this relationship. He doesn't seem to get it, I am scared that he'll take half of my house, I don't care about the material things we have aquired, take them I told him, I care about having a roof over my children's head. He said that he won't be vindictive as long as I try and give it a shot at the relationship. How in the world do I do that when I don't want to?

 

I am chosing not to lie in this bed anymore, I know I have made it, I know I need to change it, and YES I am ready to do it.

 

The road will be long, hard but the most important thing about all of this is that I want to do it.

 

It's just proving to be more difficult than I anticipated. How do I make him understand that I don't want to be in this relationship with him, without him becoming vindictive?

 

The last time I broke it off with him, he threatened to go to my ex husband and tell him things.

[lkjh]

you need to be honest with your ex because otherwise nothing has changed

[MJEW]

I can't be honest with my ex right now, I can't tell him anything, I don't think it will be beneficial for anyone if I do tell him everything that I feel and that I am sorry. Because right now I am really messed up becasue of everything that I have done and how sorry I feel.

 

I have been talking with the OM last few days, really telling him how I feel and one thing I do know wht I am famous for is closing up, putting up that big fancy wall and walking away. That's what I have done, always, now I am not doing that, Im dealing with everything.

[silverplanets]

MJEW - I read this and I hear someone whose very confused, hurt and knows that they are confused and hurt. Also someone who's so confused that they almost don't trust themselves to do anthing any more.

 

I know others have been hurt by your actions and I'm not excusing that but this right now is about you as a person and a life on this planet.

 

You mentioned counselling .. but weren't sure what to say .. how about what you posted here ....

 

I came back from my first counselling appointment the day before yesterday .. I've never needed it before and have always been strong and stuck with my descisions for good or worse, however, as my life progresses i've noticed patterns and things I can't necessarily explain .. so I decided that I would focus my attention on myself for a bit.

 

I've only had one session, but I would definately recommend it .. even just the feeling of talking to someone whose not going to judge you and also has no direct involvement in your situation is liberating and beneficial.

 

And go on your own , not with your current man, your duty to you (and your relationship with your children) is to work out YOU, not him.

 

I think it's also important that YOU do it, and YOU book the session as it will be a step in you beginning to consciously take control of your life again.

 

There;s a world of hurt, guilt, loss and other emotions in what you;ve been through and don't be too hard on yourself if you need a little help now to get back to being some semblence of a whole person again.

 

Be safe

Chris

[MJEW]

Thank you Chris......I am hurt and I am confused and I know that....the best thing I could have done was to tell the OM that I can't marry him, I found that for so long I have been putting all of those my emotions of guilt, pain, hurt, sorrow, embarassment and just plain old what the heck are you doing, aside and not dealing with them. And when I told him that no I can't marry him, it opened that floodgate and all of these things I have put on the back burner have surfaced and are pouring out.

 

I have made it through my past by running away, shutting down, switching off that switch and not dealing with anything. I left my husband because I closed up and didn't fight, I jumped into another relationship and though that it was it, it was going to make me happy, I went back to my husband and dumped him again, now instead of dealing with everything to make me a whole person at the time, it had caught up to me and slapped me full force.

 

Now I'm left with this embarrassment, this sorrow, this utter sadness that I was a complete and total a@@ Having said that, I guess it helps that I have finally stopped going in circles and I recognize now what these feelings are, and how I know that I need to fix me.

 

I can't worry about my ex right now, in time I will call him and meet with him and show him 100% that I am sorry, right now I am dealing with OM and keeping it honest and being an adult about what I have done, instead of kicking him out immidately, we are talking and discussing our best options for splitting up. I find by me talking with him the last week, and being completly honest about what I have been feeling and what I am feeling in this moment,and what I can't give to him now or in the future, it at least gives me the hope that I am on the right track to stop this vicious cycle that I have been going in with my relationships.

 

I want to speak with someone about this, I am embarrassed enough with family and friends about the things that I have done, and i believe that councel sessions will help me and give me the tools I need to keep improving myself.

 

Because at the end of the day, I want to look in the mirror and say to myself that you are a good person.

Edited January 8, 2010 by MJEW

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

MJEW, in my initial post to you i was very critical as regards the pains you inflicted on your ex, most especially the second time. It must have been really difficult for him, first to now that his wife is cheating on him and then the difficult part would have been accepting you back.

 

The shame of cheating becomes his shame even though it is not his. He carries that burden for whatever reason. It is the human psychic. Taking you back brings another shame because the world then consider him a weak man, but all he was doing was to accept your flaws because of love and vows he made.

 

Now it is about you. You feel remorse, which is a good thing. You want out of the mess - you are human. There are many women who are in your position, but they know that they are in a mess but continue to dig deeper in their mess. So I applaud you for that, albeit being critical initially. You also know that you need to get help. You said in time you would apologise to your ex., hopefully he accepts you back as you would be a changed person - redeemed person. But getting to that point is is going to be real rough, nonetheless possible. Your ex in taking you back before speaks volume of his person, which unfortunately you did not appreciate at the time.

 

I do hope you find peace and are able to resolve these issues, and one day get those you have hurt along they way together and truly apologise, especially to your ex. Like I said I believe they would forgive you and hopefully bring you back in.

 

The start point is to get OM out of your life.

 

 

* Something that puzzles me in one of your post was sharing your property ... How is that possible? You weren't married to this man.

[mimidarlin]

It becomes easier to get over the embarrassment when you admit it to others. I think you should apologize to your ex in a letter. Maybe you can compose it in counseling. I don't recommend this as a way to get back with him but as a way to reach closure for you. Telling him that you know you screwed up and regret hurting him without any agenda may provide closure to you. Help you look in the mirror and say you're a good person.

[Woggle]

Your situation with the OM is karma catching up to you. You though the grass was greener and now you find out it is not so you want to undo it but you can't. Any woman on her wondering why her man does not want to marry her and why he is afraid of commitment needs to read this thread. He doesn't want to end up like her ex.

[MJEW]

Well it's been 2 weeks and after all of the talking etc that I have done with the OM he still refuses to let go. He says that he won't be vindictive if I just stay and work at it, I told him that I know where my heart lays and it doesn't matter how much couple councelling we do, I know where it's going to lead.

No matter how much talking we do, I know the problem lies with him and me and us together, as long as we are together I feel guilt, everytime I look at him I feel guilt, and as long as we stay in a relationship there is that guilt.

I bought my house in 2006 when I separated from my ex husband, I bought and paid for it, in late 2008 I amde the mistake of putting him on the deed (OM). I know stupid move, now he wants his half of the house. He's mad, he's hurt, I hope that he will just walk away voluntarily and take his name off the deed through the lawyers. We have bought furniture etc, he can take it all I told him, just let me have my house so I don't have to up root the kids again....god I feel like such a screw up....my head has been in the clouds the last 2 years and everything I did was to make him happy. Its's amazing when I look at it now the things I did out of guilt to make him happy....I ignored friends advice, my family, my inner self popping up screaming at me YOUR CRAZY, I ignored it all now I am here....

I have been honest with him and told him I can't stay and why..he is hurt and he is lashing out.

I told my ex how sorry I was and I meant it.....I meant it all when we spoke..he said thank you and I tild him that I just want him to be happy....and he is in his life.....I have a long road ahead...but I have 2 children who love me...and I will take this journey and I will learn from my mistakes.

[Jeff1962]

You do need some counseling. You have admited it, now follow thru.

 

Leave your ex and OM alone. You are playing with their hearts. Get your head straight.

 

I for one would not have let you back into my life after being with another man and ESPECIALLY because you are playing head games.

 

You are only making things worse for everyone. Think of your child.

[MJEW]

How am I playing head games jeff? I don't feel that I am, I feel that the situation has been full of bad mistakes and wrong judgements on my part, but I am not playing head games with any of them.

 

I am doing this for me, to better me, to better me for my kids, there's no head games. At least the one thing I am doing right is getting OM out of my life. I am standing by my decision and he is trying to make me change it.

I realize that I jumped way too fast and I feel like the rest of me is trying to catch up. I made a mistake, I am now trying to fix it. It's not about trying to play with OM or ex heart, that would cause too much pain, more that I have already done, this is about me and getting my head on straight.

And yes Woggle, Karma has come back round and bit me in the arse, but I can honestly say that I accept my doings in this, I accept them and I am taking responsibility for the pain and hurt that I have caused.

Edited January 17, 2010 by MJEW