Doormat, bieng whipped- are people just not taking responsibility for their lives?

[angie2443]

I've seen plenty of threads here lately in which one partner acts as a doormat, or complains about bieng whipped, or about their partner bieng aggressive while they themselves were passive. I see a lot of resentment towards their partners. I see a lot of blame towards their partners when they themselves are partly responsible for their current situation. I'm wondering if some of these people just don't want to take responsibility for their lives. I'm also wondering if many of these people are passive/aggressive in nature. Any thoughts?

[hopeful1980]

I agree. It's so much easier to blame someone else than to look at yourself and take responsibility for how you contributed to the situation.

[giotto]

I agree. It's so much easier to blame someone else than to look at yourself and take responsibility for how you contributed to the situation.

 

ah, ok, not only we have to put up with being whipped, but it's our fault as well?

[drpepper43]

I do not understand why you cannot both admit your responsibility to being too passive in a relationship and work to fix it, while at the same time resenting your partner who by definition was too aggressive and too focused on the "me" and not the "us".

[blair08]

I think its like that in alot of relationships where one is more of the blamer and the other is not.

 

I came from a family where we were taught to take responsibility for our own words/actions, and not be a blamer or finger pointer. My husband came from a family where they all blamed each other for things, and never took responsibility for their own doings. Its been hard, because we are two opposites when it comes to that.

 

I've had to learn over the years to not take his blaming to personally, its best to just consider the source and understand that its how he was raised. Is it ok and acceptable? No, of course not. I'm not saying I condone it, I'm saying it helps to understand where it came from. He also has had to learn, well, actually "unlearn" this behavior, and take responsibility for his part. He still struggles with this, but he is getting better.

[giotto]

I do not understand why you cannot both admit your responsibility to being too passive in a relationship and work to fix it, while at the same time resenting your partner who by definition was too aggressive and too focused on the "me" and not the "us".

 

if we could "fix" our partner, we would... personally, I never tried, because my wife was still the same person I married... unfortunately - after 25 years together - the major flaw in her personality just got a bit too much for me...

[hopeful1980]

ah, ok, not only we have to put up with being whipped, but it's our fault as well?

 

You are something else. You know what I mean. It goes for both men and women.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and that is the person with more of a temper and less flexible.... My spouse will tell you how difficult I am and I will tell you that she is pigheaded:D.....

 

So either you live with it, pick your battles, walk sometimes on eggshells.....

 

No marriage is 50/50 equals, no matter how much people swear up and down it is.......

 

It's how you react, understand and handle situations that eventually decide whether the marriage/partnership works or not....

[HeyThere]

If one feels justified to being manipulated, controlled dominated i.e. I brought this on myself or there’s something wrong with me or just guilty for not standing up for myself. Any which way that thinking is processed needs to be turned around to; “You deserve all good things life has to offer” type of thinking. Our thoughts become attitudes become behaviors.

 

This is applied to relationships, careers, health, …. Life.

 

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“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation

[crazycatlady]

Back before I was married, I dated a few men/boys who I walked all over. OMG they were so whipped I struggled to respect them. I also struggled to respect myself because of what I was doing to them. I couldn't seem to help myself, it was awful and I feel really bad about what I did to them because it was so wrong in so many ways. But they never once stood up for themselves. I got away with it over and over and over.

 

The few times I've loved a man, it has always been men who could and did stand up to me. I married one of them. Best decision I have ever made. We aren't 50/50, it swings one way or another depending on the mood and sitution.

 

When you have someone who is a dominate personality pair with someone who is a passive personality, you will have a power imbalance. Now some people are fine with it. They like it. It makes them happy. I've seen it from both ends where the person is happy with it.

 

I know some people think I'm passive to my husband because I cater to him a great deal, like I make breakfast and am just about to plate it and put it on the table (a this is stuff I don't even eat, nor do the kids, its just for him) then I send a kid in to wake him and let him know his breakfast is ready. I usually cook meals he likes, I try and make sure I'm home to fix his lunch - when he could come home for lunch which sadly isn't as often anymore. And he goes out a lot more then I do. And I tend to let him know of tentitive plans before I settle on them. I do this because it pleases me to treat him like this. Not because its expected. Because I also told him "Hey, I'm going on a cruise with my sisters in Feb." I didn't ask first and I knew it was perfectly ok to do that too. I also know I can go "Ohhh I want ice cream, can you go get me some" and most of the time, he would do that because he likes treating me nicely too.

 

So careful judging other's marriages and relationships from outside, too.

 

But like I said in the beginning, I do think some people are naturally more passive and some naturally more aggressive. With a passive person I will be more aggressive and I dislike it. For my happiness, I need a more aggressive personality to match with. I'm lucky I figured it out before I got married and made both of us very unhappy.

 

CCL

[NoIDidn't]

I think its like that in alot of relationships where one is more of the blamer and the other is not.

 

I came from a family where we were taught to take responsibility for our own words/actions, and not be a blamer or finger pointer. My husband came from a family where they all blamed each other for things, and never took responsibility for their own doings. Its been hard, because we are two opposites when it comes to that.

 

I've had to learn over the years to not take his blaming to personally, its best to just consider the source and understand that its how he was raised. Is it ok and acceptable? No, of course not. I'm not saying I condone it, I'm saying it helps to understand where it came from. He also has had to learn, well, actually "unlearn" this behavior, and take responsibility for his part. He still struggles with this, but he is getting better.

 

Its funny. I came from a family of blamers, whereas my H came from a family of non-blamers. But our roles are completely reversed. I don't blame. I hated that about my family. He does blame. He hated that his family never seemed to want to address the issue.

 

I don't "do" blame, and consider it to be a very weak trait. Either man/woman-up to your responsibilities in the relationship or Suck. It. Up.