Serena2009 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 One thing you don't seem to have touched on so far is what your reasons are for ending it. These may be personal and you may not want to share, but without these then your situation looks, to an outside observer, like someone running away out of fear of intimacy. Hi again BB, I don't know if you're CP or not, only you can figure this out, but I agree with Simon. From what you've posted it appears that your reasons for leaving the relationship are more centered in fear. Often times people with these fears, or CP, attachment issues, or whatever you want to call it will look hard for imperfections in the other person or the relationship in an attempt to detach and create distance. And since nobody and nothing is perfect . . . imperfections are easily found. CPs leave relationships not because "they're just not that into you," they leave because "they're just TOO into you" and the anxiety about losing control emotionally, being hurt, etc. is just too great. Many aren't even in touch with the emotional underpinnings of why they run, they get a feeling in their gut that they don't understand and they run. Once they detach and run, the anxiety is relieved, and with the freedom from the anxiety, they start missing the other person. Anyway, like Simon said, perhaps there are concrete substantive reasons for why you ended it that have been unposted . . . but what is ringing through in your posts as to your reasons have more to do with fear. It's very difficult to detach from someone that you love and have a deep connection with. Love is a choice and to love is always a risk. My heart REALLY goes out to you as you struggle with this, but I can tell that you're going to come out stronger and wiser because of your hard work of examining yourself. It REALLY SU(8$ to be on either end of this. It's very sad but can be overcome. Be strong!! PS I don't know whether this will help or not or whether you want to share this personal information on LS, anyway, you said "there was no future" in the relationship. Why was there no future? Maybe just thinking about it will help. You don't have to post anything you don't feel comfortable sharing.
Simon Attwood Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Often times people with these fears, or CP, attachment issues, or whatever you want to call it will look hard for imperfections in the other person or the relationship in an attempt to detach and create distance. And since nobody and nothing is perfect . . . imperfections are easily found. CPs leave relationships not because "they're just not that into you," they leave because "they're just TOO into you" and the anxiety about losing control emotionally, being hurt, etc. is just too great. perhaps a useful quote for Jung's "Unidiscovered Self" Recognition of the shadow, leads to the modesty we need in order to acknowledge imperfection. And it is just this conscious recognition and consideration that are needed wherever a human relationship is to be established. A human relationship is not based upon differentiation and perfection, for these only emphasise the differences and call forth the exact opposite; it is based, rather, on imperfection, on what is weak, helpless and in need of support - the very ground and motive for dependence. The perfect has no need of the other, but weakness has, for it seeks support and does not confront it’s partner with anything that might force him in to an inferior position and even humiliate him. This humiliation may happen only too easily where idealism plays to prominent a role.
Simon Attwood Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I still don't agree that I love him. Well, I'm not 'in love' but i do care for him. We were great friends... Define the difference between love & "in love"
Serena2009 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 perhaps a useful quote for Jung's "Unidiscovered Self" Hi Simon, I don't want to hijack the thread here, but in response, Jung's a bit too abstract for me. What Carter and Sokol describe in their books on CP seems to be a combination of both avoidant and anxious attachment. Rather than bore everone to tears with a disucssion of psych. theory as it relates to romantic love and attachment, you can PM me if you want to discuss it further. Only the OP, Blueberry knows or can discover whether what is posted is applicable or helpful for her in her situation. Maybe there are very concrete reasons why a future in this relationship is futile, maybe not. Only she knows. With regard to your question to BB regarding the difference between being "in love" as compared to having "feelings of love" for someone, there is a difference that I'm certain you're already aware of. To be "in love" denotes love of a romantic nature. Having feelings of love for someone may or may not include thoughts and feelings of a romantic nature. Before you come back and say define "romantic nature," suffice it to say that it almost always involves love combined with sexual chemistry or desire. On a lighter or heavier note, whichever way you look at it, being in love with a CP su(k$ just as being CP and being in love su(k$. The only solution in these cases is for the CP to face and overcome their avoidance and anxiety. I don't know if this is the case for BB, but I know without a doubt, this is the case in my relationship.
Simon Attwood Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I don't want to hijack the thread here, but in response, Jung's a bit too abstract for me. I know, but I'd used up all my other favourite quotes already this week I think that the "Undiscovered Self" is probably one of Jung's least abstract works, but i know what you mean you can PM me if you want to discuss it further. Still waiting on the privileges of an "established member" With regard to your question to BB regarding the difference between being "in love" as compared to having "feelings of love" for someone, there is a difference that I'm certain you're already aware of. To be "in love" denotes love of a romantic nature. Having feelings of love for someone may or may not include thoughts and feelings of a romantic nature. Before you come back and say define "romantic nature," suffice it to say that it almost always involves love combined with sexual chemistry or desire. Define "Sexual Chemistry" ? (just kidding ) MBCT has been shown to alter brain chemistry in a positive way, so the flip side to that discovery is that negative thoughts like fear can alter brain chemistry in a negative way. It's still very much a chicken and egg thing at the moment, and i foresee it will be for a long time; do thoughts precede chemistry or does chemistry precede thoughts, or perhaps they are just mutually dependent in their interplay. Much of the human mind is still a mysterious playground full of mischievous children, pulling on the strings of consciousness.
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