brock9911 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 after a recent string of texts between my ex and i during the holidays, all i seem to do is have my mind wonder off and think of her. for the first few months i went out, went on drinking binges, blew through money, and didnt give a sh*t about anything or anyone, especially myself. the alcohol abuse and the money spending has started to catch up to me. my anxiety of late has been growing. i dwell on everything that i think about. all i do is worry about money, my personal life, finding a new relationship. and one of the reasons i contacted my ex was because of my anxiety. i dont know if shes like a security blanket to me. i feel safe around her. she didnt judge me when i was in that condition. i hate the feeling of being dependant on anyone, but lately i feel lost. like im without direction, or purpose in life. i used to be good in handling everything. responsible and in order, but it seems like without her i really just dont care...or at least till now. i dont know what im getting at or what im trying to say. going back with her would just prove to make me a weeker person than i already see myself as.
sean1970 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 the alcohol abuse and the money spending has started to catch up to me. my anxiety of late has been growing. i dwell on everything that i think about. all i do is worry about money, my personal life, finding a new relationship. and one of the reasons i contacted my ex was because of my anxiety. i dont know if shes like a security blanket to me. i feel safe around her. she didnt judge me when i was in that condition. Brock, you alone are responsible for your own life... for your happiness. No one is, nor should they be, capible of supplying these things for you. For me, it has been somewhat of a liner process... Fix body...Body fixes soulSoul fixes mindMind fixes habits I am no stranger to hitting the bottle or spending too much. For a spell now, I have changed both for the better. You can too.
mickleb Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Brock - where is texting back and forth going to get you? Really? You're not honest with yourself. You act like eveything is ok with most of the people in your life, then resort to texting your ex, then freaking out and thinking wild thoughts about whether or not you should get back together with her! (I mean, that's all YOUR decision, is it?) Face up to yourself. You're never going to get away from you. Once you've worked on really respecting and liking who you are, you won't shy away from showing the rest of your world the truth. And the rest of your world will really LOVE that, perhaps even be inspired by it, rather than reject you. Well done for coming here, from time to time, as you do. This is where you show us you can do this. x
teanoranges Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 You know its a slow and different process for everyone. I think we all feel kind of lost after a break up because we can't figure out our future... our future was always secure... it was, everything will be good because I have them. Now that they aren't there, its like we can't feel our future. I think acknowledging our problems and our thoughts is a very big first step to healing and moving on. You just have to stay strong, know it's going to take some time, and let it do its thing.
Author brock9911 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 not true, your not the only one who determines your own happiness. trust me, having a ****ed up child hood hinders alot of your outlooks on life...not that that is all why i am the way i am, but i was happy before my ex pulled what she pulled. so how can i control that. and not for nothing, but ju8st because some people have had some sort of spiritual awakening doesnt mean everyone has or ever will. you can be a free spirit and be above the clouds all you want...thats not me, nor will it ever be
Blueberry7691 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 i hate the feeling of being dependant on anyone, but lately i feel lost. like im without direction, or purpose in life. i used to be good in handling everything. responsible and in order, but it seems like without her i really just dont care...or at least till now. i dont know what im getting at or what im trying to say. going back with her would just prove to make me a weeker person than i already see myself as. I think she messes up your head. You're not weak, you're human. You're a good looking guy too! You're going to find someone one day who is going to appreciate your honesty, integrity, and all the other qualities you have. You were with her for 8 years and never cheated on her?? I think that's wonderful!! Who doesn't want a guy like you??? I think you're going to be okay. Unfortunately, it takes time.
Author brock9911 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 thanx...its what i tell myself. and i know its a matter of time, but iv always been aggressive in life. going out and getting what i want. workign hard for what i want. and in this instance im kinda helpless and i cant stand it. and as for the cheating, my father cheated on my mother and every woman he was with as far as i know, and seeing how it devistated my mother killed me. and i guess being brought up by a single mom makes a guy a lil more sensative than most. i couldnt live with myself or the other person if i ever cheated. but than agian i wouldnt put myself in that position. and she thought because im a naturally friendly and talkative person that i was a flirt or after someone else...not so, just enjoy good conversations regardless of who it is
Blueberry7691 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 thanx...its what i tell myself. and i know its a matter of time, but iv always been aggressive in life. going out and getting what i want. workign hard for what i want. and in this instance im kinda helpless and i cant stand it. and as for the cheating, my father cheated on my mother and every woman he was with as far as i know, and seeing how it devistated my mother killed me. and i guess being brought up by a single mom makes a guy a lil more sensative than most. i couldnt live with myself or the other person if i ever cheated. but than agian i wouldnt put myself in that position. and she thought because im a naturally friendly and talkative person that i was a flirt or after someone else...not so, just enjoy good conversations regardless of who it is Wow!! You remind me of my brother. Our father cheated too and my bro says the same thing about how he could never cheat on his wife even though she accuses him all the time!!! Go figure... You're a great guy!!! Hang in there.. Btw, I was born and raised in B'klyn too!!!
Author brock9911 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 a clean conscience is the best conscience. no need living feeling guilty. really where abouts. o grew up in Greenpoint. and than moved to Babylon out on the island. i also would stay with my father who was all over queens
Blueberry7691 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I grew up in Park Slope but now live in the suburbs. Still go visiting B'klyn to see my folks.
sean1970 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 (edited) not true, your not the only one who determines your own happiness. trust me, having a ****ed up child hood hinders alot of your outlooks on life...not that that is all why i am the way i am, but i was happy before my ex pulled what she pulled. so how can i control that. Brock, 4 months ago, I was scouting for slow moving buses to dart in front of. I was the mayor of Shi_tsville with a 100% approval rating. Childhood: Mother married 5 times, one stepfather put a gun in my mouth, then killed himself in the garage to avoid jail. Yeah, I get it. We all have a laundry list of people in our lives to blame but it ends with us. If you don't let go, get out, live life, the blame is ultimately yours. If your happiness is dependent on someone else, it always has the potential to be taken away. and not for nothing, but ju8st because some people have had some sort of spiritual awakening doesnt mean everyone has or ever will. you can be a free spirit and be above the clouds all you want...thats not me, nor will it ever be I'm going to tell you, as hard as the period after the breakup was, I may have had an equally difficult time after the pain was not so acute. "What the hell do I do now?" rang in my head daily. I had been working out, changing habits but fu_ck if I was not board and lonely. I joined meetup.com, dating sites, and reconnected with friends. Even befriended someone here, Denver (while not a very articulate fellow, nor are his topics of conversation all that intellectually stimulating, our phone calls are better than, say, folding laundry or toenail clipping ) I had no 'spiritual awakening' Brock. I had a 'WTF' awakening. I turned 39 last week, have never been married, and no children. Drinking daily has been common for the last 5 years of my life. I'm just done with it Brock; I was a tired of being a coward. Edited January 7, 2010 by sean1970
Author brock9911 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 so you admit that your childhood and your raising and life experiences have hindered your being happy. its not all about how you handle yourself or how you treat yourself, but the circumstances that youv been dealt. iv had breakups and relatives die all around me. im the last remaining male in my fathers name. iv been in ****ty situations and im not about to start to gun sling with whos had it worse or whos story can top whos cuz that wont prove anything. iv never been one to be on the bright side. nor have i ever been a optomist. nor will i be. i look at the dark side of things, i look at the negative first and hope for the positive. and the situation im in now does affect how i am as a hole, but its a mold im trying to break. everyone deals with their pains and sorrows their own way...the bottle was easy for me so i took that road. things will play themselves out. its fate. if things turn around, than they turn around, if they dont they dont.
Blueberry7691 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Brock, You can make things turn around for yourself. Don't wait for things to happen. You can take control of your own life, your own happiness without depending on others. You don't NEED someone to make you happy.
Author brock9911 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 thats not my point, im struggling to see if theres anything that can make me happy, or at least for long periods of time. my mind is my own worst enemy. i constantly think in the black. iv always been this way. iv been to therapy multiple times for multiple reasons. who knows, im done trying though, its a constant uphill battle without any rewards
sean1970 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 so you admit that your childhood and your raising and life experiences have hindered your being happy. At each point in time, indeed it did. However, as Red would say, "Get busy living or get busy dying". its not all about how you handle yourself or how you treat yourself, but the circumstances that youv been dealt. As determined as you seem to be keeping yourself in the dark, not even you could believe that Brock. The exact opposite of that is the truth. iv had breakups and relatives die all around me. im the last remaining male in my fathers name. iv been in ****ty situations and im not about to start to gun sling with whos had it worse or whos story can top whos cuz that wont prove anything. Nor are they legitimate excuses for deliberately standing in the way of your happiness. if things turn around, than they turn around, if they dont they dont. What role are you willing to play in this Brock?
Author brock9911 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 all i do is live life day by day. i go out, and enjoy the time that im having at the moment. unfortunately with the kind of people im constantly around it involves drinking. and iv broadened my friendship horizon and made so many more friends to try to change up my scene. but it always seems to revert back to alcohol or drug use regardless of who i meet. i dont know if its the era or area i live in. but new york in a whole seems to be a live to work, work to live mentality and drink when your not working. lately iv broken away from a majority of them and stuck to myself and stay in, work out, play video games, play sports. try to occupy my mind, but i often find my self going into a day dream and thinking of all the negative. dont think its something i havent tried to fix in myself.
sean1970 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 all i do is live life day by day. i go out, and enjoy the time that im having at the moment. unfortunately with the kind of people im constantly around it involves drinking. and iv broadened my friendship horizon and made so many more friends to try to change up my scene. but it always seems to revert back to alcohol or drug use regardless of who i meet. i dont know if its the era or area i live in. but new york in a whole seems to be a live to work, work to live mentality and drink when your not working. lately iv broken away from a majority of them and stuck to myself and stay in, work out, play video games, play sports. try to occupy my mind, but i often find my self going into a day dream and thinking of all the negative. dont think its something i havent tried to fix in myself. Much of that sounds good Brock. I have had to cut out spending time with my family for similar reasons. Check out meetup.com, really. Just check out what groups are in your area. Hell, there is a video game group here All kinds of peeps, all kinds of things to do in Ann Arbor; I would imagine to the power of 10 in NY. Keep trying Brock... Keep making the effort and soon it wont be one.
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