almostpassedit Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 (edited) i'll cut to the chase. breakup occured a little less than 2 years ago. directly after, i really couldn't understand what was happening, it was as if a part of me was taken away. i spent the next 12 months, rebounding, waiting for her to come back but she never did. i never contacted her. after about a year, i started to just give up hope. i moved back into my mothers house and things started to get better. i started to move forward. during this whole time, i felt as if everything was my fault and i felt guilty like i had done something wrong. the guilt went away about 3 months ago. for a long time, i was very angry, but now, i am not. its almost as if, i do not have any feelings but i know I still do because sometimes i pray for her to come back, most of the times when I am down and life is not going good. recently though, those feelings are starting to change. before i felt as if, it was WRONG to contact her, she cheated on me and left me for someone else. i don't really know for sure, i know she was fawking someone else for months while i was away, i assumed they were in a relationship but thats beyond the point. as of lately, i'm starting to feel as if i could contact her whenever i want but i refuse too. why do i feel as if, i can just pick up the phone, call her, she'll answer and things will be like they were before? i would of thought by now, i would have forgotton about the entire ordeal but that has yet to come. i will never contact her because well, i was just a option to her, and she choose someone else but why do i feel as if i can call her? is it because my confidence returned and i now know her relationship is over? why do i feel as if I left HER? I did throw her out on several occasions, curse her out, said pretty much the most hatefull things i could of think of. even in the end of the relationship she said "you broke up with me" and at the time I'm thinking "ofcourse i did, i had no choice" and it was like our mind was on two different pages. i'm just trying to understand, why all of sudden, i feel as if she is waiting for me to contact her and for the past 20 or so months, i was just waiting for her to come back, and now, its like a reversal. for a long time taht female was screwing around on me and when i found out, i could sense she wasn't going to stop, for whatever reason, be it love, attracation, addiction, i have no idea, she wasn't going to stop, it almost as if she thought in her head she could carry fourth with it and i would still be there... its almost as if, i feel like she realizes she made a mistake, but why now do i feel this? nothing has changed. nothing. no contact.. nothing has changed. i would have dreams of her in certain places and then two weeks later, my family members would tell me they say her in the place I had dreamed of her to be in, even though I never visited those places myself or even knew they existed. [[ is this wishfull thinking?] - i don't think so, i could care less, honestly. about 3 weeks ago, i had dream that she was looking in the mirror, she had cut her hair. why the hell am i dreaming this? i don't know any of her friends, i don't talk about her, i don't see any pictures, i don't fantasy, i don't stalk, i don't ask around, nothing, it just comes to me. i even put her number back in my phone, i don't know why i did that, i don't even know if its the same number. are we still connected? am i going mad? is this normal? can anyone relate and whats with the complete reversal of feelings? i repeat, why the hell am i feeling this? this is so very weird. all i'm saying is if somewhere down the line, i find out she cut her hair, then i'll know for sure i wasn't going mad. maybe i should just let sleeping dogs lie and don't investigate the hair thing.... Edited January 5, 2010 by almostpassedit
deux ex machina Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I wouldn't investigate it. The mind is a tricky thing sometimes, what the heart can make the mind come up with, to justify what one wants to do. Perhaps it is that you are feeling better (and differently), about yourself that is bringing this out. I am unsure, but it reads as if you are disconnected from what you may really be doing in a way - or it could be that the best way to put it is you are doing one thing (praying), yet saying you are moving forward. This is likely something you will have to be brutally honest with yourself about: are you really moving forward, or not? Don't let it get you down, though. This could be okay. Maybe now you are strong enough to face these things, and that is why they are revisiting you now - all of you now understands that you are strong enough to put this behind you. The dream thing is pretty interesting. I think it is telling you things change, time to move on.
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