Don't know .

[sassygurl129]

I am not sure if I am here to vent or here to ask for some comments/suggestions. Please feel free to give me some input! Thanks in advance.

 

Here's my story, I met this guy online more than 3 months ago. On paper, he would make a great husband and boyfriend. He's an engineer with a master's degree. When I told my parents and friends, they were all drooling since all my past boyfriends never did so well in the academic area.

 

There's one flaw with him however, he is a foreigner on working visa, so he's not sure whether or not he can stay and keep his job until the end of March.

 

I didn't know of his visa situation until about a month into dating, and by this time we've decided to seriously date and made a commitment with one another. My parents also approved of him (I come from a very traditional family so for them to approve is a HUGE deal), and him and I went on a mini vacation out of town together. He told me he's never been in a serious relationship before because he never really dated because of school and moving around for work. I believe him because he lacks all the qualities that make a good guy to date, such as romance and chivalry. He does pay for our bills when we go out since I don't work and he's very understanding of my situation and doesn't mind. Also for him to commit to a serious relationship is a huge deal considering he's never done it before.

 

Long story short, he takes care of me and would make a great husband. However, I am bored and frustrated out of my mind sometimes. Because of his visa situation he can't get a car, so we cab everywhere and it's become a burden, so we always hang out at his apartment to cook and watch TV. That's usually what we do on the weekends since it's the only time we can hang out. I am frustrated because he fails to plan time properly in the sense that he will always procrastinate on doing things last minute. When I try to help and urge him on serious matters like looking for an apartment or to fix his apartment's furnace, he says he feels pressured. Also he is not very talkative, and not "sweet" at all, not romantic and well he's always so rational about everything.

 

When we are together I don't feel so frustrated, but when we are not all I can see is how boring he is and his lil things frustrate me.

 

I don't know what to do? Can someone explain what is going on for me PLEASE!?

[Pizzaman81]

I am not sure if I am here to vent or here to ask for some comments/suggestions. Please feel free to give me some input! Thanks in advance.

 

Here's my story, I met this guy online more than 3 months ago. On paper, he would make a great husband and boyfriend. He's an engineer with a master's degree. When I told my parents and friends, they were all drooling since all my past boyfriends never did so well in the academic area.

 

There's one flaw with him however, he is a foreigner on working visa, so he's not sure whether or not he can stay and keep his job until the end of March.

 

I didn't know of his visa situation until about a month into dating, and by this time we've decided to seriously date and made a commitment with one another. My parents also approved of him (I come from a very traditional family so for them to approve is a HUGE deal), and him and I went on a mini vacation out of town together. He told me he's never been in a serious relationship before because he never really dated because of school and moving around for work. I believe him because he lacks all the qualities that make a good guy to date, such as romance and chivalry. He does pay for our bills when we go out since I don't work and he's very understanding of my situation and doesn't mind. Also for him to commit to a serious relationship is a huge deal considering he's never done it before.

 

Long story short, he takes care of me and would make a great husband. However, I am bored and frustrated out of my mind sometimes. Because of his visa situation he can't get a car, so we cab everywhere and it's become a burden, so we always hang out at his apartment to cook and watch TV. That's usually what we do on the weekends since it's the only time we can hang out. I am frustrated because he fails to plan time properly in the sense that he will always procrastinate on doing things last minute. When I try to help and urge him on serious matters like looking for an apartment or to fix his apartment's furnace, he says he feels pressured. Also he is not very talkative, and not "sweet" at all, not romantic and well he's always so rational about everything.

 

When we are together I don't feel so frustrated, but when we are not all I can see is how boring he is and his lil things frustrate me.

 

I don't know what to do? Can someone explain what is going on for me PLEASE!?

 

Well, here's the thing. 3 months is a very short time to make any long term judgemental decision about a person.

 

My analysis of the situation... you feel bored and frustrated about his situation when he's not around. But you feel bliss and engulfed with him when you two are together....

 

I'd say you are not happy with this person and you feel lonely... and you just want someone by your side... any one. You may think you are into him, but it seems a lot like you just need a warm body near you.

 

Has any of your family members criticized you on that?

 

What is your background by the way?

[Pizzaman81]

I read your other thread. You said your bf broke up with you not long ago. So you were seeing this guy while you were with your bf?

[sassygurl129]

Well, here's the thing. 3 months is a very short time to make any long term judgemental decision about a person.

 

My analysis of the situation... you feel bored and frustrated about his situation when he's not around. But you feel bliss and engulfed with him when you two are together....

 

I'd say you are not happy with this person and you feel lonely... and you just want someone by your side... any one. You may think you are into him, but it seems a lot like you just need a warm body near you.

 

Has any of your family members criticized you on that?

 

What is your background by the way?

 

Thanks for the reply pizza. I am actually quite independent. I just feel that when one's in a relationship, especially only for 3mos the feelings should be much more intense, and definitely shouldn't feel bored. I don't need him to be around me, but it would be nice to know that I am on his mind. After all we still in the honeymoon stage, last thing I should feel is frustration.

 

I would consider myself to be happy with him when we are together most of the time, but his lil "flaws" frustrate me. He's European, so he's too "chill" sort of speak, no perception of time what so ever.

 

My family thinks that he would make a good husband and wants me to suck it up and stop dating and settle down because I am 25.

 

And to answer your question, my family is Chinese.

[sassygurl129]

I read your other thread. You said your bf broke up with you not long ago. So you were seeing this guy while you were with your bf?

 

 

No, that's an old thread. We ended our relationship at the beginning of last year, and this relationship started in September.

[Pizzaman81]

...My family thinks that he would make a good husband and wants me to suck it up and stop dating and settle down because I am 25.

 

And to answer your question, my family is Chinese.

 

You seem to know the answer to your own question. Yes, honeymoon period, any initial gut reaction to something is usually right, especially negative ones.

 

I am Chinese as well, I think I can relate to lots of cultural things and maybe can help.

 

Your parents may be right in many many things, but telling you to "suck it up because you need to settle down" is incorrect my friend.

 

You can listen to him on other advices, but I wouldn't listen to them especially when they are forcing you to settle down... that's part of the tradition... but that's is one part of the tradition which brings no value.

 

Now I can understand tradition as living with folks, have great core family values, have financial common sense, think long term vs short term.. those are good values.

 

But the whole marriage thing... don't... you are NOT happy with this man. His academics does not equate your long term happiness. There IS NO rush.

 

If you do, I will NEVER forgive you. How's that for Chinese guilt trip?

[boogieboy]

Your BF is the way he is. You can suggest to him to do things to make you happy, but chances are he will try to do it, but that isnt him, and he wont do it for long. This will only be the beginning of your frustration. The longer you go on, the more you will be frustrated. He is being who he naturally is, and you cant change him. He's non romantic and chivalrous, and since you stay with him while he is the way he is, in his mind, theres no need to change.

 

So you can break it off and find a guy that does what you want, or you can toss away your need for sweet talk, and indications from him that hes thinking of you.

[Pizzaman81]

...You can listen to him on other advices...

 

I mean to say "You can listen to your parents on other advices..."

[sassygurl129]

@pizza: Nice guilt trip! LOL Well I have a hard to getting my parents to approve of my bf, as a matter of fact, this is the first boy my dad remotely likes and tries to get to know him. All of my ex, he doesn't want to hear about it. So what do you suggest I do? I still like him, and I know he loves me. I want to try to make it work cause I know this is a guy that would never cheat on me and cares lots about me

 

@boogie: so if I want to make it work, then I should just suck it up? lol If I want to talk about it, how can I bring it up?

[Pizzaman81]

@pizza: Nice guilt trip! LOL Well I have a hard to getting my parents to approve of my bf, as a matter of fact, this is the first boy my dad remotely likes and tries to get to know him. All of my ex, he doesn't want to hear about it. So what do you suggest I do? I still like him, and I know he loves me. I want to try to make it work cause I know this is a guy that would never cheat on me and cares lots about me

 

@boogie: so if I want to make it work, then I should just suck it up? lol If I want to talk about it, how can I bring it up?

 

What is this.... Shanghai 1920?

 

Don't do this to impress your parents. I know it "feels" good when everyone's happy... when your family is happy, you feel like you've already won the battle, but you forget if YOU'RE happy.

 

So here's what I recommend. Date him for few more months (don't do anything stupid though)... see how he is. If you still feel frustration and what not... then there's a problem.

 

Your parents can wait... you can wait to find that person that you will be happy about.

 

What are some of the core values you are looking for besides the basics like education, looks, and money.

[boogieboy]

I want to try to make it work cause I know this is a guy that would never cheat on me and cares lots about me

 

@boogie: so if I want to make it work, then I should just suck it up? lol If I want to talk about it, how can I bring it up?

 

How does he show you that he cares about you? How do you know?

 

To bring it up, ask him what he likes to see from you to show that you care for him and think about him. After he tells you, Then you can talk about you.

[Pizzaman81]

...I want to try to make it work cause I know this is a guy that would never cheat on me and cares lots about me

 

No TOO early to tell that for sure!! You are talking like you know him for years...

[sassygurl129]

How does he show you that he cares about you? How do you know?

 

Whenever we are together, he uncontrollably wants to hold me and kiss me. When I am not feeling well, he feels awful and wants to be there to take care of me. When I am sad, he's sad. When I cry, he cries...

[sassygurl129]

What is this.... Shanghai 1920?

 

...

 

What are some of the core values you are looking for besides the basics like education, looks, and money.

 

In my dad's head? Yes still stuck there somewhere lol He actually hates that I date non-Asian guys, this is why it mattered quite a bit that he accepts this guy since my bf is Caucasian.

 

Core values? hmmm it'd be great if he was funny, family orientated, got integrity and morals.

 

So what's stupid to do?

[Pizzaman81]

Whenever we are together, he uncontrollably wants to hold me and kiss me. When I am not feeling well, he feels awful and wants to be there to take care of me. When I am sad, he's sad. When I cry, he cries...

 

Everyone does that initially, too soon to tell.

 

I guess what I am saying is... I feel there's a family influence in this which is making you biased a bit in favor of this guy...

 

Sit down, close your eyes, think, think about the good things of this guy, and the bad things. Then think really hard if the bad thing is something you can deal with in the long term. Also think if this got anything to do with the fact that just cuz your parents approves of him, that you feel obligated.

[sassygurl129]

No TOO early to tell that for sure!! You are talking like you know him for years...

 

He doesn't even look at other girls, and he keeps saying to me that cheating is totally not acceptable, and he's quite...hmmm how should I say this, "righteous" to cheat. He's the kind of guy that would feel bad even if he cheated 30mins out of his work and he makes up the time even when no one cares are is around the office.

[Pizzaman81]

He doesn't even look at other girls, and he keeps saying to me that cheating is totally not acceptable, and he's quite...hmmm how should I say this, "righteous" to cheat. He's the kind of guy that would feel bad even if he cheated 30mins out of his work and he makes up the time even when no one cares are is around the office.

 

Alright send me a private message. There's something I need to say

[sassygurl129]

I feel there's a family influence in this which is making you biased a bit in favor of this guy...

 

You're right, it plays a huge part. It feels good to know that I have achieved the impossible, to have my dad approve my bf.

 

Would taking a short break to think be a good idea in your opinion? It's hard to think when I talk to him all the time...he's only been here since July, and he hasn't made many friends. We're always talking, and when he's home we talk, when he's at work we email...

[sassygurl129]

The shack is not letting me PM you lol

[Pizzaman81]

You're right, it plays a huge part. It feels good to know that I have achieved the impossible, to have my dad approve my bf.

 

Would taking a short break to think be a good idea in your opinion? It's hard to think when I talk to him all the time...he's only been here since July, and he hasn't made many friends. We're always talking, and when he's home we talk, when he's at work we email...

 

Well here's my recommendation. Just continue to date him, explore other areas about him. But keep an open mind. However, if after a while you still feel frustrated or something's off, you can talk to him about it.

 

I know we all want perfection, which is impossible to achieve. So pick your traits. If you can't deal with the fact that he's boring etc, that's a huge thing in my opinion.

 

So if after a while you still feel this way, maybe you should move on. And start being pickier in your men.. don't start bringing home losers to your parents or else they will NEVER approve. Good luck buddy!

[sassygurl129]

Thanks for the advice Pizza. I will work on it. Cheers!