Dooda Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I remember waking up one morning and my father woke up with me and went to the washroom. I got ready and went downstairs and he followed me, looking for a problem. He was pissed off from being abused by my mother the day before, insulted in ways he shouldn't have been. My father was (is) the type of man (if I can use that word) to keep it all in, and when he can he'll take it out on a weaker person. I went downstairs and started eating, breakfast. He started asking me a bunch of questions, annoying ones, just to get on my nerves. I gave him the answers he wanted, and tried to lay off him because I knew what was coming. After a while, I was fed up and gave him some sort of a smart remark, like "Leave me alone, Dad." He got angry and I told him to please leave me alone. It gets foggy, but I remember him pulling my hair and then punching me in the face, straight in the face, no remorse. I went to school feeling like I had to hide it all, because that's what families do, they hide their problems to themselves. I came home and he was giving me the "I'm not talking to you" attitude and as though it was my fault. Knowing no better, I believed it was my fault, and I let him give me his abusive stance. I was only 14 back then, and I didn't know no better. But now that I remember it, along with other relating events, I realize how much this has had an impact on my self-confidence, my self-esteem and who I am as a person. Once when I had a mouse, and I was cleaning it, I asked him not to help me because I knew what would happen. He was drying the mouse and he was pushing a little too hard on it and I asked him if he could please (nicely) just push a little harder on the mouse. He smacked the mouse on the ground and there it died under my eyes. My mom said, "It's just a mouse." My father later came to tell me that he's sorry, because he should never kill a living creature because he's mad at me (can you believe that?). That was the only time he has ever told me he is sorry for anything. I'm a guy, and you know how having your hair pulled by your father at the age of 14 might feel. I just wanted to let that loose, to vent some steam. I have so much steam in me nowadays, and it's like I can't do nothing about it. My father (and my mother) have done all they can to make me feel like absolute ****, and make me feel right in feeling like absolute ****. They tell me it's my fault for feeling like ****. My brother says that everything is my fault, the actions of my parents were my fault. "What did I do to anger my father and cause him to punch me in the face?" is the kind of question he'll ask me if I ever confront him with this (which I won't, because I already know the outcome). I believe as though it is my fault for me having this horrible relationship with my parents and my family. My brother tells me I'm sick, I'm not well, I need help. I believe it. I believe it because there is nothing else to believe. There is no way 3 of them can be wrong and that I am right. I feel as though I'm the crazy one, and that those *******s of parents are somehow the right ones. I don't know what else to say, I just wanted to let that one off the hook.
Jade 02 Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Hun is there a guidance councelour you can talk to in school? I never went to one,and ended up on the streets at your age. Try to talk to someone in your family you trust,You have rights even though your 14. best
Ronni_W Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Dooda, I'm so sorry that happened to you - you did not deserve that, or any of the other traumatizing incidents that you've experienced. You say that you were 14 "back then". If you are an independent adult now, I would urge you to consider working with a therapist who will be able to help you work through all the emotions connected to your earlier experiences, and help you increase your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you are still in school, then you could follow Jade's suggestion. If the guidance counselor does not appear to be trained to offer you the services that you need, and you could ask for a referral. You could also check with your family physician, if you have one. There is no way 3 of them can be wrong and that I am right. Yes, it is VERY possible (in fact, more than likely by the sound of it) that all three of them are working from totally flawed "logic", not taking responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, words and actions, and just looking to blame somebody else for all that is wrong in their own lives. Just because they decided to make you their scapegoat does NOT make them "right" be any stretch of the imagination. Hugs, Dooda. None of it is your fault; you are definitely not to blame for other people's dysfunctional ways of doing things and coping with their problems. They WERE and ARE wrong to take it out on you.
User Named Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I feel really bad for you. I too had an abusive relationship with a parent--my mom. When I was 16 and she found out I was smoking, she pulled my hair, beat me with a belt then made me smoke a cigar. It was so bad the neighbors called the cops. Back then the cops didn't have the power to do anything but say they felt sorry for me. Just to let you know you're not alone. You said your brother said you're sick. How so?
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Poor you - what a nasty, nasty family you have. You need to get away from them and find somewhere else safe to live (are you still a minor?). Personally I think you should cut them out of your life because they are extremely toxic and they do not deserve your time. There is nothing you should feel guilt, bad, wrong, etc about. All 3 of them are total bullies. I know what you are thinking, surely if all 3 of them - who are family members - are saying you're bad then it must be true, even just a little, right? WRONG. There is nothing wrong with you. There is a heck of a lot wrong with them, though. You've lived with a lot of trauma and no wonder it is affecting you: first step, get away from them. Second step, find someone to talk to who can help. And from now, try to find ways of coping with the anger, frustration, battered self-esteem, etc, that you feel. Even if it is just little things. If you choose negative ways of coping then you're letting them control you - don't let that happen. Good luck...remember that you are a good guy, clearly a strong character for being able to experience all of this and still drive forward....and sensible for asking for help.
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