shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 My 21-year-old boyfriend has a 19-year-old brother with whom he lives. The brother's often around when we're hanging out. I think it's really sweet that they're close, and I would never drive a wedge between them. Nor would I ever in a million years mention this to my boyfriend, but his brother really grates on my nerves. Basically his brother is the polar opposite of my boyfriend. He's crass, loud, tasteless and, as far as I can discern, unintelligent. He constantly burps/farts loudly around other people, he yells things out, he makes sexist/homophobic jokes, he generally acts like a dick. He's not especially friendly, engaging or nice. It makes me uncomfortable when he makes crude jokes about women in my presence. I'm not easily offended, but he pushes my limits. I can handle crude if it has an ounce of wit (a la Tarantino), but he's not even funny. Just tasteless. Again, I have no intention of saying anything. I just...am at a total loss on how to act in his presence. Usually I clam up and say nothing. I think my boyfriend can sense my discomfort. He kind of smiles at me with embarrassment. Any suggestions?
tigressA Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 You really should just mention it to your boyfriend. Say that you have no intention of coming between them, just be clear and tactful in saying that you don't find his brother pleasant company. You say your boyfriend can sense your discomfort--if you continue to clam up, he could start thinking that you don't trust him enough to open up, or some such thing. So please say something.
alphamale Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Any suggestions? no but i do have a comment....whenever you date or marry someone you're also dating/marrying their family. thats the way it is, period. i may have gotten married for a second time back in 1999 if it were not for my gf's racist father
Pizzaman81 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 no but i do have a comment....whenever you date or marry someone you're also dating/marrying their family. thats the way it is, period. i may have gotten married for a second time back in 1999 if it were not for my gf's racist father What ethnicity are you alpha?
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 You really should just mention it to your boyfriend. Say that you have no intention of coming between them, just be clear and tactful in saying that you don't find his brother pleasant company. You say your boyfriend can sense your discomfort--if you continue to clam up, he could start thinking that you don't trust him enough to open up, or some such thing. So please say something. Agreed. They probably also have more in common than you realize.
Author shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Agreed. They probably also have more in common than you realize. Why do you say that?
boogieboy Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Dont hang out at your bf's place. Cant change his brother, you can tell him youre uncomfortable with his brother at your place.
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Why do you say that? Isn't it obvious? They're two years apart, live together, and were raised together. It's rare that siblings in those circumstances are diametrically different on core issues.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 What ethnicity are you alpha? Alpha was born in Sri Lanka Some people call it Ceylon
alphamale Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Isn't it obvious? They're two years apart, live together, and were raised together. It's rare that siblings in those circumstances are diametrically different on core issues. siblings can be diametrically opposed
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 siblings can be diametrically opposed Sure they can be, but it's rare.
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 no its not Don't argue with me, mister. In any event, Shadow, the only way to resolve a problem is to address it... talk to the BF.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Regardless, he probably loves and enjoys his brother (and his antics). If nothing else, his biggest hope would be for his bro and his gf to like one another. I wouldn't introduce any strife at this point by bringing up your distaste for his brother. If someone criticized my brother in the early stages of dating, it would make me defensive. I'd be especially upset if someone referred to my bro as unintelligent. I'd take it personally. If it were me, I'd make an honest effort to get along with the brother, even find some common ground. I can guarantee that it's probably pretty important to your bf that you like his bro and vice-versa. I am sure that the younger bro is threatened by you- which is why it's even more important to be a diplomat than an enemy. He lives with your bf, they have a bond and longstanding ties- don't underestimate his influence. The last thing you need is for the bro to start **** if he senses you don't like him. I think it's possible the bro could be testing you, and if he feels threatened by your relationship, he'll just keep upping his game. If you show distaste regarding a behaviour, he's going to take it a step further. If you laugh him off, he'll relax. But- he is only 19- so he is what he is at that age. Honestly, I'd try and find a way to bond with the bro. If you can't, you can't- but it's important to at least attempt to embrace the things your SO loves- and I assume he loves his bro.
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Hmm... some really good points there, D. I think I've changed my mind.
Author shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Regardless, he probably loves and enjoys his brother (and his antics). If nothing else, his biggest hope would be for his bro and his gf to like one another. I wouldn't introduce any strife at this point by bringing up your distaste for his brother. If someone criticized my brother in the early stages of dating, it would make me defensive. I'd be especially upset if someone referred to my bro as unintelligent. I'd take it personally. If it were me, I'd make an honest effort to get along with the brother, even find some common ground. I can guarantee that it's probably pretty important to your bf that you like his bro and vice-versa. I am sure that the younger bro is threatened by you- which is why it's even more important to be a diplomat than an enemy. He lives with your bf, they have a bond and longstanding ties- don't underestimate his influence. The last thing you need is for the bro to start **** if he senses you don't like him. I think it's possible the bro could be testing you, and if he feels threatened by your relationship, he'll just keep upping his game. If you show distaste regarding a behaviour, he's going to take it a step further. If you laugh him off, he'll relax. But- he is only 19- so he is what he is at that age. Honestly, I'd try and find a way to bond with the bro. If you can't, you can't- but it's important to at least attempt to embrace the things your SO loves- and I assume he loves his bro. Yeah, you made some really good points. I agree with you that it'd be a big mistake to bring up anything with my boyfriend. It's also occurred to me that his brother might be threatened by my presence since they're so close. His brother has a girlfriend but she's long distance, and he just started going to school here, so my boyfriend is one of the brother's only buddies here. I think I will try your approach. Any suggestions on how to bond with him? It's hard because we don't have much in common. I'd really like to find a way to relate to him.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Hmm... some really good points there, D. I think I've changed my mind. I just think that the BF is probably cringing knowing the two people that mean the most to him aren't clicking- and that would be disappointing and frustrating for him. Would that cause him to think twice about Shadow? I don't know- maybe. I also wonder, because the relationship is new (albeit so far great), if the brother can't get along with Shadow- would he have influence? Me personally, I wouldn't risk it. I would put effort into cracking the brother, winning him over first. I'd find out what he likes and try and engage him- even if it was painful to do so. My mother is whacked- but I am the only one that can say so:D I had a bf confirm my mother isn't as nice to me as she could be...And I get on the defensive! Sure, it reveals I am a bit whacked too:lmao:, but when it comes to family- as SO's, we should tread lightly in the beginning.
cognac Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Oh poo poo a woman joke or a gay joke, big deal. The world isn't going to change because everything outrages you. Quit being so uptight, if you don't like his brother then ignore him. If jokes about men were funny you'd tell them too. Hopefully the guy you're dating isn't a total feeb and girlyman, but if he is then tell him how much it pains you that someone has a sense of humor like his brothers, chances are he will tell the brother to tone it down or to leave the house when you're around. But I warn you, this guy sees his brother a lot more than you, and when you lose the favor of his brother he will non-stop be talking about how much of a bitch you are , how you are no good, etc. I think you know this and this is the real reason why you don't say anything. Keep on clamming. It's called the First Amendment.
threebyfate Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I agree with D-Lish. A long time ago, I knocked an old friend's mother since she was abusive. That didn't go over very well and this was a very close friend, nvm a romantic relationship. It's really worthwhile in any relationship, to get along with your partner's loved ones, if at all possible. It makes life a thousand times easier.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Yeah, you made some really good points. I agree with you that it'd be a big mistake to bring up anything with my boyfriend. It's also occurred to me that his brother might be threatened by my presence since they're so close. His brother has a girlfriend but she's long distance, and he just started going to school here, so my boyfriend is one of the brother's only buddies here. I think I will try your approach. Any suggestions on how to bond with him? It's hard because we don't have much in common. I'd really like to find a way to relate to him. I know this may sound ridiculous- maybe you can start by cracking a giggle at his farts... I'm semi-serious. Ask him questions, figure out what he likes to talk about and get him to talk to you. If you act like you are interested in him, he will become less of a clown that feels the need to antagonize you. Ask him about his gf, ask him about his day- just engage him like you are super interested in anything he has to say (Even if you aren't). You are very intelligent and insightful for a young girl- you might have to feign the interest at first- but when he sees you have interest in him, he will start to break down Of course he is a bit jealous, and he is being a jack ass because of that...That is precisely why you have to soothe him. Invite him in a bit, show him that his bro dating you doesn't mean the end of him and his bro doing what they've been doing. If you go somewhere that isn't a romantic thing- invite him- don't tell your bf you are inviting him- just tell the younger bro "hey, come with us- I'd love you to come". Small gestures will go a long way in this case. Your bf will LOVE you for attempting to reach out. If the bro continues to be an ass- your bf will see THAT, but he will always know you tried.
Author shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 I know this may sound ridiculous- maybe you can start by cracking a giggle at his farts... I'm semi-serious. Ask him questions, figure out what he likes to talk about and get him to talk to you. If you act like you are interested in him, he will become less of a clown that feels the need to antagonize you. Ask him about his gf, ask him about his day- just engage him like you are super interested in anything he has to say (Even if you aren't). You are very intelligent and insightful for a young girl- you might have to feign the interest at first- but when he sees you have interest in him, he will start to break down Of course he is a bit jealous, and he is being a jack ass because of that...That is precisely why you have to soothe him. Invite him in a bit, show him that his bro dating you doesn't mean the end of him and his bro doing what they've been doing. If you go somewhere that isn't a romantic thing- invite him- don't tell your bf you are inviting him- just tell the younger bro "hey, come with us- I'd love you to come". Small gestures will go a long way in this case. Your bf will LOVE you for attempting to reach out. If the bro continues to be an ass- your bf will see THAT, but he will always know you tried. I'll take those suggestions. Thanks! Hey, D. Have you ever thought of being a therapist or some sort of counselor? I could see you having a knack for it.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I'll take those suggestions. Thanks! Hey, D. Have you ever thought of being a therapist or some sort of counselor? I could see you having a knack for it. Lol, I used to be, back in the day- but I worked with abused teens in a group home, and it broke my heart every day. I went to bed so sad and stressed every night worrying about my clients. I bailed on that profession. You're a very insightful girl that is intelligent and mature beyond your years. You're what, 21? Sometimes I read your posts and assume you are 30+. I'm actually quite impressed by your eloquence. Young girls don't speak like you do. You can tame the bro if you put your mind to it- and your bf will think you are "the ****" for doing it.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Lol, I used to be, back in the day- but I worked with abused teens in a group home, and it broke my heart every day. I went to bed so sad and stressed every night worrying about my clients. I bailed on that profession. You're a very insightful girl that is intelligent and mature beyond your years. You're what, 21? Sometimes I read your posts and assume you are 30+. I'm actually quite impressed by your eloquence. Young girls don't speak like you do. You can tame the bro if you put your mind to it- and your bf will think you are "the ****" for doing it. Whats even more impressive is that Shadow has a GED and finished high school at some night school in the Bronx
boogieboy Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Basically his brother is the polar opposite of my boyfriend. He's crass, loud, tasteless and, as far as I can discern, unintelligent. He constantly burps/farts loudly around other people, he yells things out, he makes sexist/homophobic jokes, he generally acts like a dick. He's not especially friendly, engaging or nice. It makes me uncomfortable when he makes crude jokes about women in my presence. I'm not easily offended, but he pushes my limits. I can handle crude if it has an ounce of wit (a la Tarantino), but he's not even funny. Just tasteless. After seeing D-Lish post Im doing a complete 180. I say you join the brother. If he makes crude jokes, you make a cruder joke. If he makes an unfunny joke, you toss in a funny one. You never know, you might be good at it... and have a lil fun being juvenile occasionally. Youre 21, enjoy your youth, you dont need to act 30 all the time just yet. You know how to balance it. hey D-Lish, how old do you assume I am from my posts?
Author shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Lol, I'm 26, guys! I'm just a bit of a cougar, I guess.
Recommended Posts